I need to take off this mask

[smalltowndreams]

Hi everyone, I- I'm 25 and have been taking adderall for about three years now. In the beginning it gave me a type of profoundness and depth of consciousness that I hadn't known before. I have always had very bad ADHD, to a point where I couldn't even keep my focus on things I felt excited about. So like I said - in the beginning what excited me was the thrill of being able to feel passion for things, in the moment of the peak effects of the drug. I can't say that it was particularly harmful, at that time - but it certainly was a good friend to me when I didn't feel like I had many.

I'm about to finish college, and I have been through a lot with adderall. However lately, I've started to realize just how much I've been using it as a mask. I cannot describe the extreme guilt and shame that runs through me after I have done a good deed, or said something deep - that has only been triggered by the adderall. It makes me feel like a fake, a phony, and someone not worthy enough to even be on this planet. What's worse, is that the drug doesn't seem to have ever improved my ADD, but only brought me up from what seems like a constant mellowness of mood in my life. It's not worth it anymore. I want to feel human again, and most of all I want to know my emotions aren't plastic and induced by pills.

Lately I've been taking a few days to test the waters to prepare myself for the withdrawal. I can only describe the experience as having snake venom run through all my veins. My body feels tense and in pain, my head feels like it weighs twenty pounds. Any annoyance like the crunching of someone eating chips, is enough to fill me with rage and hate. What hurts me, is that there are times when I think "is this what I am really like without the adderall?" but then I remember that I had never been this dark of a person. Beyond the physical pain, I feel a very real difficulty of even staying awake while off of it. My body wants to sleep, and not just sleep - literally sleep for entire 24 hour periods. It scares me so much - I still have much research to do on the topic of weaning myself off, but I'm scared of the person I will meet once I'm off of it. I'm scared of that person being empty, emotionless, numb, and apathetic.

If anyone can relate to this, or just provide me with some comforting words it would mean the world to me - Im sick of facing this alone, and I'm tired of feeling like I'm living a lie, each time I'm in a good mood. Thank you for reading.

[emmy9]

It gets better. The first day off adderall is hell, like complete and total hell. You will want to sleep and eat and lie around all day and do absolutely nothing; and you will be pissed. Any little thing will likely frustrate you. Eat, preferably healthy foods (coconut water is great for the headaches), load up on vitamins and minerals (especially zinc, iron, and magnesium), and sleep a lot. You will feel better as the days go by. Just try to be as healthy as possible, because adderall causes your body to work overtime and you are most likely very deficient in a number of vitamins and minerals. You won't feel like yourself for a while, but you didn't feel like yourself on adderall either. Within a couple weeks, you should notice a positive change, and it continues to get better. I can't tell you how critical it is that you stop taking adderall. I know it's a crutch and you feel like you need it, but you don't. Your life will be so much better without it and eventually you'll never want to take it again. I'm saying this from experience, as I've used and abused many drugs, legal and illegal, but no other substance had me hooked the way adderall did.

[ashley6]

Smalltowndreams,

I had those same thoughts when I came to a crossroads in life, and I realized I had to get off of adderall. It is terrifying when you decide what you know deep down you have to do is give up the life you've become accustomed to on the pills. I can relate to you, because I was 26 when I actually admitted I had a problem. It took another year for me to summon the courage to give it up (the last year of abuse was probably the worst year of my life). I wish that no one else would have to waste another day, week, month, or year of their lives living like that, because it's misery...just do it. The fear of giving them up doesn't go away, so while you're feeling that hatred towards the pills, just go for it. It's so difficult, and I won't downplay that, but it is so worth it. I'm 100 days clean, and I know if I have did it, anyone and I mean anyone can. You seem like you have the gift of desperation, and sometimes that's what it takes to make the decision to stop the cycle of addiction. I based my whole day and life on when and how I was going to get more pills. You aren't alone. My advice is just to read through the site...post, post, post, and you'll be amazed at how much strength you pull from it. YOU are stronger than your addiction, even of you don't feel like it right now. I wish you the best...just keep coming back here

[highonlife]

smalltowndreams,

Your story sounds ALOT like mine and I felt many of the same things you do when I quit. I just want to encourage you and give you hope. I was pretty much worthless when I quit and it tore me up inside because I was accustomed to being such a hard worker (even before I started taking Adderall). I am 22 and took Adderall for 3 years as well. I did some great things on Adderall. We all did great things on Adderall. The beautiful thing about when you quit is that you can now achieve GREATER things. Things that you care about. Who gives a crap about the dude who can master monotonous tasks? I read an old email I sent to a professor while I was on Adderall yesterday and had to laugh at myself about how awesome it was. There is no telling how much time I spend on that stupid email. He literally replied in one sentence and probably thought reading my tweaked out email was a waste of his time. I have come a long way since I quit, which was only 50 days ago. I have accomplished a lot and prioritize better. I don't waste time doing stupid crap. I clean my room when it needs to be cleaned; I do crap when I need to do it. You got what it takes, just keep in touch!

highonlife

[ldmcniel]

I can relate. I have only been on Adderall for about 18 months and I feel like I can't live without it. I am almost 38 years old! I lived 36 years without this drug, why do I think I need it now. It is very hard to make the decision to come off of it. You know deep down that you are better off without it, but your mind and body still is craving it. Why? I have no idea. Just know that you are not alone.

[Jonathan]

smalltowndreams,

As emmy9 and others have said, the first 2-7 days are hell, but it does get better. I've taken adderall for the past 6 years. Tomorrow will be day 1 for me. I have tried weaning off of them in the past only too find myself going on a roller coaster ride of binges and DT's. keep us up to date on how its going. BE STRONG!

[smalltowndreams]

Thanks so much for the words of support everyone.. I've seriously realized how much of almost an invisible villain the adderall can become. Today I remembered that when I first started taking it, I can clearly remember thinking "this is the person I was always meant to be." But now - now even THAT person is gone, lol. I'm tired of being too tweaked out lately to feel a moment's worth of deep human emotion, and that's just on the 20mg a day! - I've started a diary and I think that's been helping.