Tomorrow, 12/10/21 is Day 1

[DelaneyJuliette]

I have no more access.  I'm scared but resolved.  

[GeorgiaRigby]

Hi Delaney!  I am somehow on my second day today, although I wasn't really sure I was going to really do this for real..  I'm so scared also.  I feel worthless.  Sending love.

[DelaneyJuliette]

We can do hard things!!!!  Stay in touch!!

[Hopefulily]

I have been reading this website for years and am so thankful for it. I am so ready to be DONE. I am half the wife and mom and friend and neighbor and human I want to be. I am so tired of feeling like a machine with a checklist. I want to be adderall free. I have taken it for too many years. I am DONE and finally writing on this website to state it! I’m scared but excited. I have 3 young girls under 5, a crazy dog and wonderful husband who has been helping me wean down. The problem is I keep finding it and taking my 30mg dose. I tell him but he keeps trying. Now it’s under lock and key but he gives me 20mgs per day. During the pandemic I got up to 120mgs with Xanax and or alcohol at night. I find when I give up alcohol I am able to not take or take much less adderall. The other night I had my last hurrah with alcohol- getting so drunk I didn’t realize I cut my foot dancing at a neighbors party. I am better than this. Adderall has made me rude, short, neat freak who has forgotten how to daydream and enjoy life. I do not want to be a pill popper and bad example to my daughters. My husband has my pills and I’m going to tell him to throw them out.  My sister recently quit adderall 2 months ago and said life is so much better, more fun, gaining 10 lbs is nothing verse the life she is enjoying. She said she had one day where she relapsed and was cranky and just wanted to be on her phone ignoring the kids she has grown to love and Nannie’s for. She continually tells me to take the plunge. I am scared. Oh so so scared. But I am never proud of myself for anything I do bc it is the adderall doing it for me. I want to join you in the 30 day challenge. There are SO many motivating stories on here. I am going to go sober. I can’t take the substances. My doctor is so quick to give me anything I ask for. I am now a pill head and it all started with adderall 10 years ago. Today I end it. I will check in every day and want to join you all! We can cheer each other on! I am so inspired reading old posts of people being there for each other. So incredible! I want to be writing in this time next year telling everyone else that it is possible. I want it more than anything. 

[Hopefulily]

I can’t believe I actually posted on here. Delaney and Georgia let’s do this!!! We know we can!!!! We truly do. It’s all in our mindset. 

[DelaneyJuliette]

Yes Yes yes yes!!!  Day 3 here.  It's hard but it will get better.  And I have been sober from this shit before so I know it gets better.  We are NOT alone!  

[GeorgiaRigby]

You guys are the best.  I've been insufferable today... acting like my child self and crying and whining and oh boy.  I took this little pill called "No Doz" and it might make me feel a little peppier which I just feel is better than nothing at all... I  have had my bottle of the amphetamines near me all these days just to have it "in case"... I have what feels like very few friends, but you guys I will already consider as dear friends of mine and I have so much love to give!!!  At risk of sounding so corny haha!  I know I'm all over the place.  Sometimes I'm too lazy to even write comments at all... But maybe we can keep on chattingHopefully and Delaney!! I need to get back to myself and stop isolating and feeling this stuck in my heart and throat chakras!!! xxx 

[Hopefulily]

I do too! But I am sad to report I caved and took 20mg today. I am mad at myself and can give an excuse and blame it on this or that but the truth is I couldn’t  handle the intense fatigue and gave in around 2pm. I asked my husband to give it to me. I said I would quit by New Years. I took 10 mg then took another 10 around 6 to get laundry done tonight. Ugh. I know why people can only do cold turkey - bc once it is in your system you think you need more. I am goi g to get some l tyrosine which I have read works for people. I had caffeine this morning which I rarely do bc of all of the stimulants and it made me feel weird and angsty. Or maybe I felt that way bc I hadn’t taken my morning dose? 3 days is the longest I’ve gone I’m sad to report. I use my kids and housework and needing to get stuff done as an excuse. It should t be. I need to stop with the excuses. I have been trying to read as many peoples stories on here, listen to the daily stoic podcast for motivation but I don’t know why I always cave. 

[DelaneyJuliette]

On 12/12/2021 at 12:09 AM, Hopefulily said:

I can’t believe I actually posted on here. Delaney and Georgia let’s do this!!! We know we can!!!! We truly do. It’s all in our mindset. 

Yes!  U are not alone!  I have been on this site for tooong now (years) trying to get sober and this is finally it.  Read and re read the home page ab post acute withdrawal.  It is real.  But we can get past it!!!  One moment at a time with compassion. 

[DelaneyJuliette]

12 hours ago, Hopefulily said:

I do too! But I am sad to report I caved and took 20mg today. I am mad at myself and can give an excuse and blame it on this or that but the truth is I couldn’t  handle the intense fatigue and gave in around 2pm. I asked my husband to give it to me. I said I would quit by New Years. I took 10 mg then took another 10 around 6 to get laundry done tonight. Ugh. I know why people can only do cold turkey - bc once it is in your system you think you need more. I am goi g to get some l tyrosine which I have read works for people. I had caffeine this morning which I rarely do bc of all of the stimulants and it made me feel weird and angsty. Or maybe I felt that way bc I hadn’t taken my morning dose? 3 days is the longest I’ve gone I’m sad to report. I use my kids and housework and needing to get stuff done as an excuse. It should t be. I need to stop with the excuses. I have been trying to read as many peoples stories on here, listen to the daily stoic podcast for motivation but I don’t know why I always cave. 

Girl I have been doing the dance u are doing rt now for literally over 10 years.  Don't feel bad ab yourself.  But it does help to make a real plan.  Knowing we can access it if the craving gets bad enough is really really hard.  It's almost impossible to ask ourselves to have that much willpower.

[DelaneyJuliette]

19 hours ago, GeorgiaRigby said:

You guys are the best.  I've been insufferable today... acting like my child self and crying and whining and oh boy.  I took this little pill called "No Doz" and it might make me feel a little peppier which I just feel is better than nothing at all... I  have had my bottle of the amphetamines near me all these days just to have it "in case"... I have what feels like very few friends, but you guys I will already consider as dear friends of mine and I have so much love to give!!!  At risk of sounding so corny haha!  I know I'm all over the place.  Sometimes I'm too lazy to even write comments at all... But maybe we can keep on chattingHopefully and Delaney!! I need to get back to myself and stop isolating and feeling this stuck in my heart and throat chakras!!! xxx 

I'm not going ANYWHERE Georgia!  U are not alone!  No matter what happens, we are stronger than this addiction.   All u will ever get from me is unconditional love and acceptance with reminders that we are stronger than we think.  I have been sober before from this godawful trap of lies and my life WAS better.  For years.  But then I fell back in the hole and getting out has been so hard.  I am doing it this time.  Literally,  no matter what.  

[GeorgiaRigby]

On 12/13/2021 at 10:53 AM, DelaneyJuliette said:

Girl I have been doing the dance u are doing rt now for literally over 10 years.  Don't feel bad ab yourself.  But it does help to make a real plan.  Knowing we can access it if the craving gets bad enough is really really hard.  It's almost impossible to ask ourselves to have that much willpower.

 

On 12/12/2021 at 9:55 PM, Hopefulily said:

I do too! But I am sad to report I caved and took 20mg today. I am mad at myself and can give an excuse and blame it on this or that but the truth is I couldn’t  handle the intense fatigue and gave in around 2pm. I asked my husband to give it to me. I said I would quit by New Years. I took 10 mg then took another 10 around 6 to get laundry done tonight. Ugh. I know why people can only do cold turkey - bc once it is in your system you think you need more. I am goi g to get some l tyrosine which I have read works for people. I had caffeine this morning which I rarely do bc of all of the stimulants and it made me feel weird and angsty. Or maybe I felt that way bc I hadn’t taken my morning dose? 3 days is the longest I’ve gone I’m sad to report. I use my kids and housework and needing to get stuff done as an excuse. It should t be. I need to stop with the excuses. I have been trying to read as many peoples stories on here, listen to the daily stoic podcast for motivation but I don’t know why I always cave. 

I know how you are feeling so much.  I have had my bottle in my purse or near me for the past 7 days now and it's totally my little bestie (just in case)...  There seems to be so much true pressure on the whole "never take any ever, ever again" thing.... And that makes me feel like I don't want to make that a thing because then after a certain amount of days it will truly be BAD to have "caved" as you put it so well..  Do you know what I mean?  Like it's almost safer to feel like taking it every few days or when I feel like I "want" it compared to never getting to take this again.  And my goodness I'd hope that this type of language and thought process doesn't set you or anyone else back as it's just the opposite I'm sure, the pressure is in letting it be so powerful and "unimportant"... Kind of like the more you want something the more you separate yourself from having it...  I always loved the book "Valley of the Dolls" because it makes me feel so differently about myself and this attachment to these pills- I need them because they are my friends and they help keep me brave... Bullshit.  I am so afraid of the fact that I have also been taking alprazolam for years and years for the comedown or sleeping part of my life where I need to turn my scared brain off so that I can be calm enough to drift away. I especially worry about never feeling happy again with "nothing" because I have been binging in a serious way on sweets and Mexican, Italian, pastas, breads, butters.... Replacing one thing with another, always.  I feel I am talking in circles but I just am also here to say that I"m here for you and I'm glad we are talking this through- all of us on here!!  xxx

[DelaneyJuliette]

I've tapered before and it worked.  But this time I have to quit cold turkey.  But I'm glad u can voice all of your feelings bc I relate to them all!

[DelaneyJuliette]

Today is day 6.  I am finally feeling small glimmers of a reprieve.

[GeorgiaRigby]

Oh, that's soo good to hear!!! What feels different today!!

[DelaneyJuliette]

Today is day 8 and I have a little energy!  It's the first day I haven't broken down sobbing fopelessly and helplessly for what feels like no good reason.  I feel... like a baby calf starting to get my footing.  That was the WEIRDEST metaphor (or similie?) LoL but it's true.  It's like a small sense of solidness is descending upon me and I can tell I'm going to be okay.  I can also tell I am not out of the woods yet.  If I had the next 3 days to rest and watch movies and take walks that would be wonderful,  but instead I am packing to go visit my parents with my 4 kids so I am trying to go very easy on myself.  But I know I can do this.  I never ever ever ever ever want to feel like that again.

[GeorgiaRigby]

5 hours ago, DelaneyJuliette said:

Today is day 8 and I have a little energy!  It's the first day I haven't broken down sobbing fopelessly and helplessly for what feels like no good reason.  I feel... like a baby calf starting to get my footing.  That was the WEIRDEST metaphor (or similie?) LoL but it's true.  It's like a small sense of solidness is descending upon me and I can tell I'm going to be okay.  I can also tell I am not out of the woods yet.  If I had the next 3 days to rest and watch movies and take walks that would be wonderful,  but instead I am packing to go visit my parents with my 4 kids so I am trying to go very easy on myself.  But I know I can do this.  I never ever ever ever ever want to feel like that again.

Wowww!! I can feel the hope in your writing!  I caved in yesterday and today. I love that your a mama of 4!!! Go you!!! I was on day 11 I think, but I decided that it would make it worse and harder to just "never" do this or take these again because it would become something that would be much bigger than I want it to?  I'm not sure my logic, but yeah I feel such a strong headache and a sense of weirdness today for sure.  I wish I had so much time to heal and laugh again.  I can't even form sentences.  Sending love and hope you have a great time visiting them and that you go EASY ON YOUR BEAUTIFUL SELF!!

[GeorgiaRigby]

Also, I don't mean to say that it was no big deal.  I know it's better that I keep this going.  I know that.  xxx

[Hopefulily]

@GeorgiaRigby@DelaneyJulietteboth of your words are like reading my diary minus the success you both have had with your consecutive days!!! A few days ago I threw all of my pills into my daughters diaper pail and took out the trash. I have honestly thought about digging through the diaper pail - how insanely pathetic is that. Also clearly shows me how badly addicted I am. I need to accept it. It’s and addiction. My family then tested positive for Covid so not the best timing to be quarantined and having no access but my husband reminded me (as has my marriage counselor and this amazing site has) - there will never ever be a good time to do it. So why not now?  I kept 5 mgs for the past few days so I haven’t even had a day 1 and I still feel like I want to crawl out of my skin. And SAME- I ate tons of sugar cookies, have bad cabin fever combined with this weird feeling, not feeling great from Covid but I am trying to do what I’ve been doing to come down from the larger quantities - my calm meditation app, reminding myself this too shall pass and how badly I want to be like nurseaddy and Cassie and all of the others on this site who have said they have done it, it wasn’t easy but the hard part made them come out stronger on the other end. My butt might also come out bigger but lol I’ll take it! One thing I’ve struggled with in my abuse since the pandemic is how much I was taking and then yes also using Xanax to come down at night- my skin picking got out of control and I also look like I’ve aged significantly. I’m 34 and for the first time in my life have horrible acne and my face looks dehydrated, flushed and my undereye bags are awful- so much so my MiL has been suggesting creams for them. If that is what my outside looks like it’s reflecting my inside. It’s scary how much work I have to do on myself. Also my muscles are so sore (and this is me not even have totally quit or gone 1 single day just lower doses of 5,10, 15 or 20) that I can get myself to exercise. The body aches are brutal and the discomfort. My skin is going crazy too. One thing I did was Google pictures of people before and after drug addiction. Some of adderall which led me to some of meth and the before and after pictures are wild. And motivating bc I keep reading adderall and meth are one ingredient different. Exercise was how I used to control my adhd pre adderall. I’m trying to do the meditation but besides accomplishing that I felt like I could hardly do anything. I had no desire to clean the house which is quite different than my adderall infused days. This is weird. Also, I’ve always wanted 4 kids. I’m so impressed with you @DelaneyJuliette I have 3 and want 4 but tell myself I don’t deserve 4 if I can’t even handle 3 without adderall. I have also been listening to a helpful podcast called adhd for smartass women. The host is hilarious and also tried adderall and vyvanse and hated it. She has guests on that some take medication some don’t but I love that she advocates for the non medicated route and instead wants womeb to embrace the adhd brain. I have always felt different and once I had adderall I thought I could be the “neurotypical” person I thought I had always wanted to be. Turns out my husband and friends who knew me before I started taking it like the old me. During my first two pregnancies I was so chill and happy bc I didn’t take it. Then pp I would stop breastfeeding almost to be able to take it again and for my 3rd baby some doctors said it’s ok to take adderall to make sure the mom is mentally fit and I regret it to this day. I was whacked out in my pregnancy and can’t tell you all the number of times I cried bc I thought I ruined my daughter. She was an impossible baby and shook when she was born. Now she is 2 and amazing, happy and healthy and my sweet husband assured me she’s fine and to not blame myself but oh how I wish this drug never found it’s way into my life. I feel like every problem she will ever have I will blame myself for. Even before I started taking it I was so anti pills. I started at 24. Couldnt sit in an office to save my life. Then somehow adderall became my life. I am going to have to get through day 1 tomorrow without it. I am totally out. This is good I know but ugh the discomfort from the low doses whew. I got some Wellbutrin which I feel annoyed at myself for getting on yet another pill and my husband hates my doctor who gives me any pill I ask for but I am telling myself just a little Wellbutrin to get me through this time and then once I can exercise again I will do that. Sorry for rambling. I can’t even believe I am sharing all of this. I also tried some weird bulletproof brain pill today that made me feel whacky and my husband is encouraging me to just let my body be. I’m so thankful for him but also I am so ashamed that I am down this bad of an addiction rabbit hole. I feel like an idiot but at the same time weirdly proud of myself for finally finally finally throwing away my pills. I had my doctor switch my prescriptions and to have my husband pick them up. That’s how bad it is and yet she still prescribes me. I want to think she has my best interest in mind and wants to help me but even after I told her during the pandemic I started abusing them and everything else she still prescribes. My other doctor- my gp told me the amount she was prescribing me could have killed me. He told me I should go to rehab but I am too ashamed and know I can do this on my own. I really do. Because of this forum. And because I love what it says on one of the pages that we are over achiever types who have always been determined and thought adderall was the magic key to better ourselves. And we all know here. IT IS NOT. Thank you for letting me rant. I have so much work to do on myself and worry about the housework, keeping my kids on a schedule. I am very much the classic adhd who cares about the schedule let’s have fun/impulsive but also used to be very driven but would get frustrated when I would get distracted but with adderall then became scary let’s mop every inch of the house driven thinking I was queen of the world for being so perfect or productive. I don’t even know. Thanks for letting me ramble. Holy hell admitting this makes me want to get the eff away from this drug. I need to get to bed. Thank you everyone on this site and especially to you two who are on this journey to recovery! I am going to use both of your day number progress to keep me motivated. Good luck and keep up the impressive hard work in the right way!!! My motto just like changing a diaper “this is important. It may seem trivial but this is important. “ quitting adderall is important. The little days may seem trivial and slow but they will add up. More of a pep talk to myself sheesh I’ve lost it. Goodnight and good luck!!! 

[Hopefulily]

So glad you are having glimmers of hope!!! Eek one thing adderall helped me with was not wearing my heart so embarrassingly on my sleeve! But seriously I’m so impressed and proud of you both! Thanks for the inspo!!!!

[DelaneyJuliette]

Hopefuily, if I were you, I would go to the home page of this group and read and re-read how long and hard this journey is.  I am so grateful you are posting here.  I have literally planned my quitting around a surgery in the past so I could finally stay home and just be in bed.  (I didn't stay quit.)  I took a week off work this time and it helped, but now I am packing for a trip and I'm a little squirrley.  The ONLY thing that will prevent me from giving in is cutting off all of my supply.  You can do this.  Covid is the PERFECT time.  Seriously, this is so messed up but I considered pretending I had covid so that I could just not do anything and stop.  Instead I pretended to have the flu.  And a potential ovarian cyst.  (so much morally better, right?)  jk.  anyway, my point is, your body is going to go through hell.  But then it gets better.  But the only thing that makes it feel better is one of two things.  Taking something, or letting it pass.  And taking something feels better.  But it makes it worse in the long run.  You can do this.  You are not alone.