Hopefulily

I’m so impressed with you moms who are doing it/off of it and doing well. So refreshing to read! I still can’t get past what to do in the morning to turn my brain on without my 2.5mgs. I know it’s low but still can’t seem to get going without it and then continue to pop a 2-4 more 2.5mgs throughout the day. Coffee makes me so irritable. Will I get used to it or are there other suggestions of morning routines and or brain activators for us moms of young kiddos? I have 4 under 7 and feel like I’m drowning! Hence why I’m scared to face the exhaustion but so badly want to be done with this.

Beyond impressed!!! You should be so proud!!!

It's hard because as a mom we want to be our best selves for our family. There really isn't a set amount of time (like a month) where we know we can just glide on through and being a little lazy won't have repercussions. I am not trying to justify it or be a victim even though I probably sound like it. I feel tremendous shame if I don't take the adds and forget to do something or can't get it together in the morning to get everyone out the door so I turn to the "easy" fix. I am trying to do everything I can to keep my dose as lowest as possible. I have found a few things - Sheeva wellness, Nettle tea and warm water with lemon and manuka honey multiple times per day. I have been listening to Allan Carr's books on drinking and sugar addiction and you can substitute anything in really. I am working on my drinking too and have significantly cut down/really haven't had anything to drink I don't think since I last posted which helps a lot. I don't know if that is helpful but just checking in here to say you all are not alone! As long as we keep trying right? I am starting to tell my close friends about how I take it and how I want to come off. "Coming clean" is helping me and my friend recommended a new therapist who hopefully can help me with that final step. I am also going to try acupuncture too, continue to eat extremely healthy and mostly gluten free and get more sleep (when my kids sleep through the night lol). I think for me, contrary to what works for a lot of people on this site, is going to have to be very slow. As many people have said slowing down and picking up healthy habits that stick are what is going to help in the long run. I also listen to Melissa Wood Health and Vees Honey as they talk about being on it and quitting. Hope that helps. That saying I dream about and picture myself one day being fully sober and thriving! You all are not alone <3 I have promised myself not to post again until I have a string of clean days and look forward to that day. Thank you to everyone who shares on this site!

Came back to read this tonight. It has been awhile since I have been here. I have gotten caught up in justifying myself on the pill after working so hard over the past years to wean down from 120mg to now less than 10 per day. I just can't make the final jump because of all of the excuses in my mind: I will run late without it, I will forget my kids or have no memory without it. Or I don't have time to deal with this final huge step. Most of my doctors still justify it - even my functional medicine doctor tells me 10mg is fine bc it is hardly anything. However I get angry in taking 7.5 mgs or more. I was doing so well - down to 1.25 per day and then I crept back up with all of my excuses and lack of energy. I am very sensitive to caffeine and can't find something to replace adderall. I have tried everything and many different types of antidepressants to try and combat this. I am starting to get real with my therapist about how I need to quit this drug and that it is addicting. I want to stop drinking too but it is a vicious cycle of if I drink than I need adderall to deal with my kids the next day. But then I need to drink to come down from the adderall. Why can't I face this final leap? What am I so scared of? The hard work? My true adhd self? I know I can manage with exercise and listening to ADHD for smartass women, using my tools but what about the days I feel like I can't do it and that is what sends me running to the pill bottle? I think I am a better mom when I take it but why??? When I have my morning workout routine down I do fine. It is when I am off my routines I then go back to more adderall. I haven't had over 10mgs in the past year but damn why can't I do this???? I am ashamed of myself every time I run to that bottle even to take 1.25 as a part of my step down process. And I have crept back up which means it isn't working. This addiction sucks. It sucks to live with this secret but I think opening up helps. On those rare days I don't take any I feel like you have described above. But I just can't string them together and I don't know why. I am giving myself the excuse of this is too hard to do during the holidays but there will never be an easy time. I feel weird when I don't take it- almost sneaky and high but can't believe that is how I feel without it. But music fills my soul and hits me deeper, I don't walk around just pissed off about life because a pill has made me that way. I know I still have a lot of work to do in therapy. I am still on zoloft which makes me tired so I also use that as an excuse to keep using it. I hate myself for it and want to be obsessed with myself like you have described! I want to be that example for my kids too. I am so so scared to go cold turkey because I don't want to just be a mess of a mom for my 4 young kids. Any help from my rambling would be amazing. Thank you <3 P.s. I even tried reaching out to Vanessa Fitzgerald who publicly weaned off adderall. I have listened to her podcast about quitting more times than I would like to admit. And yet I still can't QUIT

That is so incredible and inspiring GRF!!! You should be beyond proud of yourself. I am proud of you!!!! Thank you for your posts and enjoy the one year feeling! You deserve it!

WOW!! Beyond impressive!!!

Well my addict brain must have known this was coming bc after ransacking the house I dug out my super hidden stash in the darkest grossest part of my basement. I found 15 10 mg pills and of course took 3 today and yesterday. I felt like I was going nuts but wondering if finally quitting the Zoloft and adderall at the same time is too much. But Zoloft is my adderall crutch so it had to go. I was able to handle adderall with Zoloft. I have my follow up apt on Wednesday for working with a holistic doctor to help me get off of this shit. She had suggested a taper and is going to give me a full list of supplements based off of my bloodwork. There will be no hiding then and I am glad to have a professional I can report to bc I can’t handle this on my own. I continue to be beyond impressed with you all who are able to white knuckle it and have days, months, years of sobriety behind you. I am not giving up this fight rather getting the help it’s clear I need to get me through this quit. I continue to try and listen to quitting adderall stories anytime I get a chance. Even as I was on my pills yesterday and today. Geez. Thank you especially @DelaneyJuliette and so impressed with you!!!!!

I didn’t - I threw it out and today was trash day luckily. I of course scrounged around looking for some but have done this before and knew I could t leave any behind. I ate sooo much sugar but made it through day one! Mine are 5,3,2. I don’t want them to suffer bc of my issues but I know if I fix these addiction issues then their life will be better in the long term. I took a few sips of wine to try to calm down but feel like I probably should go the complete sober route. It is just extremely daunting. I have spent all night reading old stories from this site and recovery blogs. I have to keep going strong! I think I drank way too much coffee and had either extreme caffeine irritability or a sugar crash bc I was yelling at my kids all afternoon telling them they were annoying me. Ive rarely done that and hate myself for it but will wake up and try again. I am doing this for the right reasons just a rocky start. They are my little loves though and do not deserve to be treated how I did tonight. Do you have tips on what to do with kids during extreme paws? I was sooo beyond irritable and angry this afternoon/tonight. I am also realizing how many drugs I have given up in the past few months and am trying to give myself grace. I have now stopped ambien, Xanax, Klonopin on a night I wanted something “lighter” adderall and almost off my Zoloft. I kept trying to make Wellbutrin work but I felt weird on that too so just figured I should stop all of this pill taking. I also originally replaced the “night time drugs” with cbd oil for a few weeks and got rid of that bc it made me feel whacky too. So I am probably that person in life that needs true sobriety bc now I am daydreaming about when I can get drunk. Which isn’t going to do an absolute thing to help me through this. I am better than all of this. How did I get here?! The pandemic?! Mom life?! Perfectionism? Idk whatever the answer or reason I need to get my shit together. I don’t feel like doing aa or na honestly bc sometimes I am able to enjoy one or two glasses or Prosecco and I really stopped drinking a lot. Maybe I am daydreaming bc it is the last of my numbing agents I haven’t cut out from this intense wean down process. When I have gone two weeks or ten days without adderall or alcohol I feel SO good and like myself. But then I find an excuse to “party” and be a “normal” adult or mom friend or whatever and it all goes back to shit. When I recently gave up adderall people kept asking if I had gotten my hair done, lost weight, and told me my skin was glowing. I recognized it in the mirror. I have had a few bad weeks with my kids being sick and was using that as an excuse to take adderall again and drink to escape. My appearance just shows how poorly I’m treating myself. I was looking at before and after pictures of people with addictions and I’m sure the before is what I look like too. But I love my kids and don’t want to escape from them just from the crying and whining and no break situation. Even when I hide in the bathroom for a quick break they find me! I am having a babysitter come tomorrow afternoon for two hours so I can journal, workout a little and just be. I need alone time to do this but I don’t get much. Definitely going to start getting babysitters more though to invest in this process and heal. Also I’m meeting with my integrative healthcare practitioner next week to get started on their program of natural supplement recommendations, natural ways to heal the body and nutrition. I watched a smart recovery video from this site tonight and loved what the guy was saying. Think about the things you can do instead of the things you can’t. I need to focus and congratulate myself on the things I have accomplished and not berate myself for the missteps I take. Luckily the adderall and all other drugs are gone (besides the last two weeks of Zoloft I have). I am so excited to get back to my old self. Sure I was adhd and spacey/ditzy, need to workout more than the average person but I used to be so kind and gentle. I have used adderall to make myself seem smarter, more organized and more of a “perfect” person than I am. I need to get back to loving the disorganized, well-meaning, kind, race training, daydreamy, strong/curvy/in shape not the bitchy, overly skinny and pale, petty shell of a person I have become. I have gained 12 lbs so far which does suck but whatever. I want to see color back in my face. That has long been a tell tale sign to myself and probably why I just pretend to not care what I look like and avoid looking in the mirror embracing the disgusting mom look. It makes me so sad to where I am now BUT I see my old pre adderall self in my daughters and am learning to relove myself through them. I just have to keep moving forward and not backward. I haven’t officially cut off my doctor but am going to work with my new natural doc to do so. And I have emailed my doctor so many times recently for a lost script or whatever after I have tossed it so I am out of times to email for a new script. And my husband would be devastated. As would I with myself. It’s just getting through 30 days no adderall. I need to do it. It’s just so fucking hard. And I’m so ashamed of being here. Thank you for your support and help <3 I am going to bed to get my 8 hours!

I know this is an old post but thank you for this. Watching it now to get through this damn paws.

Yep, exactly.

I am jealous you are on day 6. I have already lost my resolve and it’s only 3:30pm ughhhh. I’m so tired and feeling so blah but also at the same time that I want to scream from the discomfort. I ate a bunch of chocolate hoping it would distract me and it made things worse. Feeling like a bad mom just letting my kids watch tv all afternoon but is a worse mom one who continues to take adderall and doesn’t live the real thing called life with them? I am seriously on the struggle bus and trying to get motivated to take us all on a walk.

@m34That is where I want to be. Finding escape in running like I used to. I used to run races now I just take adderall and try to clean up all the dust off my floor and huff and puff around thinking I am being productive. That must feel so good to be in that place. Even though you don't feel perfect you are living how you want to live with no pills controlling you. I highly respect you getting up and running!!! I know and have read and re-read that that is the long term answer and will bring the most satisfaction in life. Also getting to feel strong and accomplished! @DelaneyJulietteThank you for sharing that. I know I will get back to a healthier eating place. I used to be better, healthy, normal size 6 who ran races, ate healthy but enjoyed food and now I just take adderall and stress eat. It is so weird. I am puffy, my skin is sallow, I know I am not getting nutrients, my muscles weak. I too plan to do the work to get back there. I just signed up to work with an integrative health doctor to help with my thyroid and whacky hormone issues. The plan includes working with a nutritionist. I am looking forward to it because I will have to report back to someone... I hate mornings too. So much to think about, so much of what the kids need, husband, dog needs, house needs. For those ten days I had free I let myself have a latte from starbucks to get my ass into gear and it helped. I might have to do that for 30 days to make it through this time. I hate the mornings too. I will think of you and know we are in this together!!!! I have noticed my zoloft makes me feel weird so I am tapering off of that too. I have totally stopped the ambien and xanax or klonopin and take magnesium at night. I also have this little lavendar roll on and I have been sleeping like a baby. At first I had trouble sleeping maybe the first week but taking a magnesium pill helps with that pill habit just with something natural. It feels good to have worked my way to naturally drifting asleep and enjoying it! Good luck with that! I know you can do it!!!!

I'm day one again tomorrow too. Just put all of those damn blue pills in our diaper pail and took it out yet afuckingain. But I am done. Done. Done. This rollercoaster has got to end. You all inspire me and I was thinking how great it would be if this time next year we were all congratulating each other on one year off adderall! Let's do this!!!! Life seriously sucks on these damn pills. It makes me so angry how angry and frustrated and miserable I am at the end of an adderall day at even 20mg which is nothing compared to what I used to take. But this is no way to live life. I am going to check in every or every other day. Seriously. Even with just a day count... We got this!!!

Same!!! I want to stop it soooo bad but also another part doesn't and I hate both parts of me weirdly enough!!! A thought I try to remember - my friend recently lost her dad and had to write his obituary. She said as morbid of a thought as it is to think about writing her own it also helped her gain clarity on focusing on the things that really matter and not the things that don't. I do NOT want my obituary to have that sense of well she took adderall her whole life and kind of was this weird zombie robot of a human who lost the ability to connect with people in her once quirky but caring way. Maybe I will finish this exercise. Write one with adderall in my life and one without... Attention: A Love Story is really, really good. I have a hard time though because I feel like it was so different to wean off when I didn't have kids... But then again I have hardly given it a full try...

@DelaneyJulietteI think we are the same person. I am the same. I weirdly want to fit in to social situations too but really don't care. I feel like I should care and want to be a "fun" adult, enjoy wine with my husband but all of that leads to me having a good enough time in the moment and then I come crashing down. I am starting to realize not only is this an adderall problem but probably an all around substance abuse problem combined with emotional eating problem. I got back on adderall after 10 pretty good days because I can't face myself about how mad I am at myself for being addicted on and off for ten years. Part of it during my last pregnancy which I just cannot bear to digest. I have friends who openly drink during the last trimester and I even went to a specialist who told me to continue the adderall while pregnant but damn it's something I never, ever imagined I would do in my life. I am a mom to 3 very young, energetic girls. I use them as my excuse and even used my two older ones as an excuse to take it during pregnancy. I went to therapy for a while and it did help but what I know is that I have to face it myself. No one else can face or fix this addiction and my issues except for me. I think as a mom I have this idea in my head of who I want to be. Who I want to be as a wife. When I can't measure up I just either reach for adderall which then leads to feelings of shame and then wine and then the next day I am hungover and it all starts again. I reached back out to my doctor for "one last script" as I told my husband. He was so mad when I reached back out to her. But I promised it was the last time. I had told her I wanted to live a sober life and then lo and behold she wrote me a script when I emailed her and told her living without adderall was too hard. I am trying to do so many things to ram into my head how bad this drug is. Reading this site (although I snuck away with my tail between my legs after proudly writing I was ten days sober and then quit the next day), listening to Attention: A Love Story who actually quotes this website in her book, watching countless videos online, reading The Amphetamine Debate, The Edison Gene- a book about how if Thomas Edison were alive today he would have been medicated and not able to be creative and our lives would clearly be so different, also about alternative ways to medication and why it is bad. And yet I still take this stupid drug. I don't know why I think one more pill will get me to where I want to go. It does the opposite. It does not help me get laundry, be more patient with my daughters, be a better human. I feel like the girl from the movie bridesmaids where she says "what is wrong with me?" I quote it all of the time. I don't have a lot of time to rest but that is also an excuse. Maybe I would if I wasn't hopped up on adderall and then drinking or binge eating sugar to deal with the comedowns. I did have my first apt with an Integrative Healthcare specialist who is going to work with me to sort all of this out. I have an EEG tomorrow which I am terrified about. What deep dark embarrassing things will they be able to see in my brain scan? Also coming back on this site after failing sucks. I feel like I am letting everyone down. I want to be one of the success stories, I want to make the senior members and other members pulling for me on here proud. So the easy thing to do is stay away. The hard thing is coming back. DelanyJ, you always come back and keep trying and aren't afraid to admit you messed up and I am so impressed and proud of you for that! But I guess I will do another round up and throw everything away. Now I have a new doctor holding me accountable and I will get a real picture of where my health stands. I guess that is a start. I don't know. I want to always be in bed by 8 reading a book too. But I self sabotage that dream away too... Triggers: cleaning the house, having people over to our house, needing to get ready to leave the house with all 3 kids, keeping myself in our strict budget even though it is boring, not feeling like I have an escape and can take time to journal and work through whatever issues keep me addicted, living up to my perfect image of myself I have in my mind, being attentive/not falling asleep on the mom job as my mom did and my sister died as horrible and sad as that is, scared of gaining weight, not being able to meditate without adderall which I think will fix my adderall problem, hating my adhd self which I think I have bought too much into the cultural adhd bs of needing to be medicated, not feeling like I am deserving of rest because as a mom there is always something important yet oh so trivial to do, unable to prioritize mom tasks, unable to deal with everything I am always supposed to be doing to make everyone else happy, being with myself not on drugs and having to re-learn who that person is and what I am or am not capable of, thinking about how I got here in the first place and not wanting to have to be in the camp of people like cranky sober people I know and even Jessica Simpson and people who have had problems, having to admit to myself I have serious issues and not having adderall to keep my mind distracted... Hopefully I will report back with some more progress. Until then, thanks for letting me vent.