Day 3 and advice for major guilt setting in?

[Hopefulily]

Hi all,

this site is a Godsend. Truly. Thank you to every single person who has posted here. 
Today is only day 3 after a very long weandown and I am struggling big time. I can hardly move and my head feels like it weighs 100 lbs. I am lying here while my daughters nap. I am having trouble moving to take care of my family. Everything adderall helped me do- clean the house, cook dinner, be a vigilant mom. My sister died when I was younger so I thought adderall helped me focus so intensely on my daughters safety to make sure nothing happens to them on my watch so I don’t live with the guilt my mom has to from losing her child. I can’t focus on them for that long without it. That scares me along with feeling like I can’t take care of my family bc of this awful withdrawal.  However, I’m having so much self pity for having a drug issue that I and I alone started. My husband says to not feel bad bc it was originally intended for the right reasons it just got out of control. However so many people are struggling with real things. Im watching YouTube video on a rabbit hole of video watching (something I would never have done on adderall) and the girl in the video is working her butt off to try and overcome having a brain tumor. Within 4 months she has worked so hard she can box again. Im feeling guilty for the feelings of well here I am feeling bad for myself when so many people have so many struggles that they haven’t chosen. Just having a lot of guilt. Any help or advice? I have read old posts and do agree with the sentiments that us adderallics tend to be super hard on ourselves. Any advice or books or articles or old posts would be greatly appreciated <3 my brain is MUSH. It’s embarrassing. 

[GeorgiaRigby]

5 hours ago, Hopefulily said:

Hi all,

this site is a Godsend. Truly. Thank you to every single person who has posted here. 
Today is only day 3 after a very long weandown and I am struggling big time. I can hardly move and my head feels like it weighs 100 lbs. I am lying here while my daughters nap. I am having trouble moving to take care of my family. Everything adderall helped me do- clean the house, cook dinner, be a vigilant mom. My sister died when I was younger so I thought adderall helped me focus so intensely on my daughters safety to make sure nothing happens to them on my watch so I don’t live with the guilt my mom has to from losing her child. I can’t focus on them for that long without it. That scares me along with feeling like I can’t take care of my family bc of this awful withdrawal.  However, I’m having so much self pity for having a drug issue that I and I alone started. My husband says to not feel bad bc it was originally intended for the right reasons it just got out of control. However so many people are struggling with real things. Im watching YouTube video on a rabbit hole of video watching (something I would never have done on adderall) and the girl in the video is working her butt off to try and overcome having a brain tumor. Within 4 months she has worked so hard she can box again. Im feeling guilty for the feelings of well here I am feeling bad for myself when so many people have so many struggles that they haven’t chosen. Just having a lot of guilt. Any help or advice? I have read old posts and do agree with the sentiments that us adderallics tend to be super hard on ourselves. Any advice or books or articles or old posts would be greatly appreciated <3 my brain is MUSH. It’s embarrassing. 

Oh I feel your pain....I am so sorry about your sister... And you are doing your best and your family must know this.  I know what you mean also about feeling weird about how much others struggle with everyday things not by choice, I even get jealous of just how many people are out doing anything and everything, making videos or writing e-books or starting small companies and I can barely figure anything out whatsoever, even with medication... I feel my brain is total mush right now, too.... And I took my medications today and for no reason and now I feel miserable about myself and my future. I have always loved the Book "Romancing The Ordinary" by Sarah Ban Breathnach.  Gosh I am sorry to be so lame tonight and thoughtless.  I want to feel goofy and thriving someday.  However those two can go together?  xxx

[Hopefulily]

@GeorgiaRigbygo easy on yourself! This is quite the process and it’s hard bc a little slip can ruin the day count. I kind of like how Dax shepherd still allows himself 16 years of sobriety even when he messed it up for a bit. 
To me, you seem like you have a spark inside of you! A beautiful soul from what I can tell! The fact that you shared that inspiring, grounded book but more than that. Your friendliness, vulnerability. You need to allow yourself to be human- we all have days where our brain is mush. You are in the arena as the famous teddy Roosevelt quote says. Cheesy but brene brown quotes it in her book and she’s fantastic in my opinion. Have you looked in to her? That book you posted and the author looks so wonderful! I put that in my cart to look into. Although I have so many quarter read books on my nightstand! Question- have you ever had your thyroid checked? That can lead to the feeling of mush. I dragggged before realizing I had to see my doctor and he said he doubted it was my thyroid but turned out dr Google actually led me in the right direction for once lol. Just a thought! 
take care of yourself and seriously don’t be too hard on yourself. Tomorrow is a new day. It’s a crazy time of year too. This is hard as hell. And a crazy time in the pandemic and now the holidays to be doing it. I’m not giving us excuses. I’m on day 3 and drank wayyy too much coffee today and am dreading tomorrow without my “medication”/speed. I was scrounging around today desperately trying to find some so I would totally have taken it if I had found it. I don’t want to go to rehab and it’s strange bc it’s a prescription but I know i have to do this. I feel very much like a drug seeker and addict though. So I’m right there with us in full fledged honesty. Maybe we could set a goal where like every month we try to have less days than more days and then once we achieve that we keep going down and down and work through it like that? A whole year or I guess a lifetime is daunting! It’s what I want but then my mind starts to play tricks like is it actually more helpful to have to get shit done? Now I’m rambling per usual. 
another quick thought- make a list of your whys and things you love? I have always considered myself adhd/the hyperactive kind and I feel like that kind doesn’t get nervous bc we lack some sort of self realization or something so it’s easy for us to do when we are wired to be oblivious to what others think for the most part. I totally understand that too though. I’m a stay at home mom and not much else. Lousy cook and house cleaner, wish I could muster more energy for my husband but I’m hoping maybe I’m just still languishing as that  we York times article talked about. From the pandemic. 
keep being you- some days are wins and count the wins! Others aren’t so you don’t have to count those right?! For what it’s worth I love reading your posts and chatting with you! 

[DelaneyJuliette]

How u doing Hopefulily?

[GeorgiaRigby]

On 12/22/2021 at 12:53 AM, Hopefulily said:

@GeorgiaRigbygo easy on yourself! This is quite the process and it’s hard bc a little slip can ruin the day count. I kind of like how Dax shepherd still allows himself 16 years of sobriety even when he messed it up for a bit. 
To me, you seem like you have a spark inside of you! A beautiful soul from what I can tell! The fact that you shared that inspiring, grounded book but more than that. Your friendliness, vulnerability. You need to allow yourself to be human- we all have days where our brain is mush. You are in the arena as the famous teddy Roosevelt quote says. Cheesy but brene brown quotes it in her book and she’s fantastic in my opinion. Have you looked in to her? That book you posted and the author looks so wonderful! I put that in my cart to look into. Although I have so many quarter read books on my nightstand! Question- have you ever had your thyroid checked? That can lead to the feeling of mush. I dragggged before realizing I had to see my doctor and he said he doubted it was my thyroid but turned out dr Google actually led me in the right direction for once lol. Just a thought! 
take care of yourself and seriously don’t be too hard on yourself. Tomorrow is a new day. It’s a crazy time of year too. This is hard as hell. And a crazy time in the pandemic and now the holidays to be doing it. I’m not giving us excuses. I’m on day 3 and drank wayyy too much coffee today and am dreading tomorrow without my “medication”/speed. I was scrounging around today desperately trying to find some so I would totally have taken it if I had found it. I don’t want to go to rehab and it’s strange bc it’s a prescription but I know i have to do this. I feel very much like a drug seeker and addict though. So I’m right there with us in full fledged honesty. Maybe we could set a goal where like every month we try to have less days than more days and then once we achieve that we keep going down and down and work through it like that? A whole year or I guess a lifetime is daunting! It’s what I want but then my mind starts to play tricks like is it actually more helpful to have to get shit done? Now I’m rambling per usual. 
another quick thought- make a list of your whys and things you love? I have always considered myself adhd/the hyperactive kind and I feel like that kind doesn’t get nervous bc we lack some sort of self realization or something so it’s easy for us to do when we are wired to be oblivious to what others think for the most part. I totally understand that too though. I’m a stay at home mom and not much else. Lousy cook and house cleaner, wish I could muster more energy for my husband but I’m hoping maybe I’m just still languishing as that  we York times article talked about. From the pandemic. 
keep being you- some days are wins and count the wins! Others aren’t so you don’t have to count those right?! For what it’s worth I love reading your posts and chatting with you! 

Your words mean so much to me.  I have been feeling really sad.  I am re reading all of this and want to respond to it once I have a little energy later.  You are simply the best.  Coming Back on here soon... sending love

 

[DelaneyJuliette]

13 hours ago, GeorgiaRigby said:

Your words mean so much to me.  I have been feeling really sad.  I am re reading all of this and want to respond to it once I have a little energy later.  You are simply the best.  Coming Back on here soon... sending love

 

Keep coming back here!!  It's a journey!!  We are here for you.   Try not to say things to yourself that you wouldn't say to someone else.  And when u do, reframe them.  (At least that helps me!)  I say to myself, "hey don't talk about my feiend Erin that way!"

[Hopefulily]

I gave up on day 5. I could blame it on Christmas and wrapping presents until 2am the two nights before Christmas or my husbands back going out and me “needing” to have adderall to take care of my kids. I emailed my doctor and got another script and here we go again. Day 4 is the longest I’ve made it in probably two years. I had a pretty good day 4- I was belly laughing and being kind to my husband and kids but not productive. I absolutely hate cleaning and the life of a stay at home mom to 3 toddlers is like being a janitor. On day 4 I felt like I had a ton of energy but I just didn’t know how to focus it and felt like a huge failure. I’m remembering I am hyperactive and have to exercise to be able to focus. 
I know I don’t know why I berate myself all. Day. Long. My therapist told me how I treat myself is how my daughters will learn to treat themselves so I realllly need to work on speaking to myself like a friend. I feel like I used to like myself and possibly even love myself. Not true now. I was looking back at the old forums and reading how people look at others not on adderall and are jealous bc they have built a life one act of willpower following another. I have been looking at programs like 75hard or something to improve my mental stamina and to channel my crazy adhd energy starting January 1  I want to get it together why don’t I just do it?!! 
I need to come on here everyday. Like 5 times per day to get back to day 1. I’m so impressed with you @DelaneyJuliettethat you are just moving on and focusing on the positives of 6 days! Geez it’s embarrassing I can’t get there. I keep telling myself well I will not take it again when my girls go back to school etc. there will never be a good time to do it. I know that and yet I still have reached for my refilled script 20 mgs for the past few days ugh. 

 

 

[DelaneyJuliette]

Girl.  I love how u see my post, but did u read the part ab how I have been stuck in this addiction for 20 years (with ab a 5 year reprieve) and I have been actively trying to quit for over 3 years?!  I'm just saying it's a journey and to go easy on yourself.  If u read my old posts u will see so many of my struggles.  I'm on day 10 right now.  The fact that u are even on this site reaching out to others is a huge success.  And here's something someone taught me when they hear someone saying something negative ab themselves.  They say, "Hey!  Don't talk ab my friend Hopefulily that way!"  I like using that for myself too. 

 

remember- ur journey is not all or nothing!