My Downward Spiral

[damnpill33]

Hi,

I'm new here looking for some help/support with my adderall addiction. Something that started out so great then riddled out of control. The side effects far outweight the benefits and I realize this but can't stop my habit. Over 3 years have gone by since I started I have 2 prescriptions for it (different doctors) and I take a months supply in a week so half the month Im tweaked out and the other half withdrawing/craving. This has been my routine now for a couple years. I just cant shake it.

It's effected every aspect of my life. Everything I used to enjoy in life now just isn't fun anymore. My personality now is non-existent I'm not the same person. Now I struggle to even socialize on a basic level. My thought process becomes skewed, anxiety kicks in crippling my speech and basic motor functions. Over the last couple years I've lost contact with most of my friends. Before my addiction I would go out couple times a week now I rarely go out.

My career has taken a turn for the worst I've been unemployed now for 2 weeks. The first week I slept 14 hours a day because I was out of adderall and had no desire to do anything. Couple days ago I was able to get a refill and now bottles already half gone. I tweak out to where I stay busy with stupid stuff but everything about me is dysfunctional on so many levels.

I've tried quitting more times than I can count. I would come up with a gameplan (lots of research involved) to quit but just can't hold to it. I'm now at the crossroads. Change has to happen now or my life and everything I worked for is screwed.

Anyways, I wanted to introduce myself and my problem. Reading others articles/stories on this site has been somewhat comforting to me at least I know I'm not in this alone.

[ashley6]

Welcome to the site. It sounds like you have hit your rock bottom, and although it feels like hell, it can be what it takes to motivate you to stop living this tweaked out life. Pretty much everything you described is how I felt 5 months ago, and I decided that it was not worth the pain anymore. It takes A LOT to give up the pills. The fear is paralyzing, because for me it was all I knew anymore. I couldn't even laugh anymore and my relationships with my friends and family were crap. I blew everything off, and I was basically a nut case. 5 months off the pills, and it's been very, very tough, but once you make the decision to quit you'll realize that things start falling back into place. I've repaired so many relationships that I frankly didn't give a shit about, no matter how much I loved those people, when I was adderalled out. My friends and family are back in my life full force now, and it's so uplifting. It takes you making the decision that you want and need a real, genuine life and to be willing to go through whatever it takes to get there. I still think about adderall every single day, but now I realize all of the amazing stuff in life I'd be giving up. This drug fogs your brain so much and has you believe there is no life without it...take it from me, there is! I wish you the very best...keep posting!

[damnpill33]

Thank you Ashley for your support. I've been keeping everything bottled up for so long now it does feel good to open up about it to someone that understands what its like. How long did it take you to start feeling like your old self after you quit? What do you think has helped out the most with overcoming addiction? I'm thinking of starting a daily journal Im hoping that putting my thoughts in writing will give my thoughts more meaning and power.

[ashley6]

I'm still working on feeling like myself. The problem is after 7 years on adderall, you forget the person you are. It's kind of like rebuilding from before you start adderall. I felt like myself pretty quickly, but the depression and anxiety were very intense up until now, but it's improving. I was just using adderall as a mask for the depression and anxiety, so that part is different for everyone. I fought hard to feel better, but I started antidepressants about a month and a half ago. I'm not suggesting that for everyone, but it has helped me. I saw my addictions counselor twice a week when I first quit, and I still see her once a week. She has been a godsend. Although I've been slacking lately, exercise helps a lot. I think for me, I just didn't put high expectations on myself for awhile. I was content with sleeping a lot and doing what I needed to do to get by. I think it's almost necessary to have low expectations of productivity for a little while, because you're coming off of a potent drug. I read a lot about what I was going through....read up on PAWS, post acute withdrawal syndrome, so you can understand what's going on when you feel shitty. This website has been absolutely amazing, not only because you realize you're not alone, but these people get it, and are exceptionally supportive and knowledgeable. I went to some AA meetings too. Knowledge is power, so gain as much as you can on quitting. I drop to my knees and thank God at night for helping me stay sober one more day. I don't know what your beliefs are, but there is power in finding something greater than yourself, whatever that is for you. You coming here and posting your story is a big step. No matter how strong the fear, know you'll be better off without the adderall, which has the ability to cripple you. I hope this helps...keep me posted.

[damnpill33]

Ashley thank you for responding back your input/support means alot to me. I can closely relate to many aspects of what your going thru. Before coming to this site I thought I was in this alone and no one suffers the same type of problems I have. I've already read most of the articles/posts on this site I only wish I would of came across this website much sooner. I started reading into PAWS like you suggested I gotta say that what I read was a little discouraging, but its good to know what to expect and understand whats going on. Do you happen to have the link the the PAWS site that you were looking at? I just googled it and I think I just got some basic information. I agree 100% with you knowledge is power the more we know the better the gameplan we can put together to quit since we'll know what should work and what doesn't.

Adderall definitely covers any depression I have but makes my anxiety go thru the roof. I really sucks losing self control in even the most basic everyday situations. Like you said I do think it would be easier to quit if I lower my expectations for a while. The part that worries me about it is if dont start down the path of self improvment right away (eat better, more exercise, ect..) I'm worried that it would be easier to fall into addiction again since discipline is essential to all of the above. After putting a lot of thought into it I created a "quitting cheatsheet" tailored just for me and what I think I need to focus on and make part of my routine to beat this addiction. Maybe I'm overthinking everything but I'm hoping that if I I make it a point to review it everyday and compare my daily progress to it it will give me more discipline allowing for a better fighting chance to quit adderall and rebuild my life. I guess thats the engineer in me I tend to overthink and over analyize things.

I copied & pasted my "quitting cheatsheat" below I hoping it will be a valuable tool to get thru this. I basically broke it down in 3 categories. "Purpose" is a quick summary to remind myself what my ultimate goal is and it will take alot of work to get there, but that its worth it in the end. "Foundation" which I believe will be the core values/principles I'll need to follow for self-improvment giving me the discipline and motivation to get this adderall monster of my back. "Tips & Guidlines" is just that it's just some basic tips and tools to help make quitting easier.

Most Im sure would think I'm crazy for putting something like this together but I can thank adderall for making me do it lol. Please let me know what you think I'd really like to hear any input or advice you may have. Anyone else reading this, your thoughts are also much appreciated.

Thanks again, Brandon

MY ADDERALL QUITTING CHEATSHEET

• PURPOSE-> My objective is to permanently quit adderall with self-improvement. One day at a time. There will be rough days but it only gets better. Imprint in brain that anything that’s worth something requires upfront work/discipline. I’ll man up and maintain constant focus on doing whatever it takes to be my best self. Long-term gratitude pays out in dividends over instant gratitude. My life depends on this. This is my time to shine.
  

• FOUNDATION to be my ideal self. My daily routine and constant focus is centered on mind and body improvement.
  
  • Daily exercise is CRITICAL. Mindset must always be to push myself physically and always strive for improvement. *CORE/Compound exercises = greatest results*
    
  • Daily Routine for supplements/vitamins. Nutrition is key. Plan for natural foods not processed. Floss teeth on regular basis the benefits stretch way beyond the teeth.
    
  • Push myself mentally to improve focus naturally. Read RAPT and anything else to strengthen my mind and channel my ability for greater focus, self control, and overall success.
    

• TIPS & GUIDELINES
  
  • Organize and prepare everything efficiently/effectively to ensure daily routine success.
    
  • Every day must take Multi-Vitamin, Omega3, L-Tyrosine 3-4x/day, and if needed magnesium, zinc, iron.
    
  • Moving forward EVERY thought I have about adderall needs to be negative. Its fact that the severe side-effects I deal with FAR EXCEED the benefits.
    
  • Stay involved with forums and read related articles.
    
  • Balanced diet including high protein intake, lots of water, no fatty food and avoid bad carbs. More natural foods = More natural energy
    
  • Coffee for energy and motivation.
    
  • Reflect on past success and accomplishments before taking adderall.
    

[quit-once]

Wow, that is a really good plan you have there. If you follow it, kicking adderall will be less difficult for you. i would print it and post it somewhere in your home and read it every single day of your recovery! I also suggest adding to your Foundation that relapse is NOT an option.

[damnpill33]

quit-once thank you for your feedback! I'm also starting a daily journal I'm hoping that getting my thoughts in writing will give everything more meaning. Like Im sure with just about everyone here, we started taking it with the best intentions in mind. We feel the daily pressures of life and the stress at work, and we just want to succeed. It just blows my mind that Ive been more than aware for a longtime that the sideeffects are taking over and in no way is it helping me out to become more sucessful or a better person, but yet just can't shake the habit. The burst of energy was always nice, but at night when trying to relax and go to sleep it was just hell. The sideeffects would just multiply the next day and even more the day after due to the sleep deprivation and constant anxiety and paranoia. I wish everyone the best of luck. We all have the ability to get our old selves back and even better ourselves. One day at a time, patience is virtue, and everything worth fighting for needs effort and commitment. Thanks again.