Hopefulily Posted January 12, 2022 Report Share Posted January 12, 2022 Today is day 1 again. I can't stop reading the success stories. The longest I've gone in years is 4 days. I want to do 30 days, 60 days, a year, 4 years and be free from this addiction! Reading the success stories even when someone is at 21 days or 5 months is incredible!!! If I have the urge to take it I will come on this amazing site and be honest. Day 1 for the rest of my life starts today! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DrewK15 Posted January 12, 2022 Report Share Posted January 12, 2022 Good luck @Hopefulily. I hope to see you have success with this quit. I went back and read your first couple posts. I have a couple comments and a couple questions that will hopefully help. First, it would help so much to get your husband on board as a partner in your quit. Ask if he is willing to carry a heavier load around the house for a couple weeks while the initial withdrawal passes. Secondly, it sounds like you have some tough trauma to process that at least partially drives you to use. You feel the entire weight of your family’s safety on your shoulders and it’s crushing. The world is uncertain and stuff happens no matter what we do. Accept the things you cannot control and courageously change the things you can. That’s a road to recovery. Now for the questions to ponder. Why do you want to quit? Are your reasons for quitting strong enough to carry you through? What is going to be different about this quit attempt vs. your others? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DelaneyJuliette Posted January 13, 2022 Report Share Posted January 13, 2022 Be as compassionate to yourself as u would be to a friend! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hopefulily Posted January 13, 2022 Author Report Share Posted January 13, 2022 Thank you for taking the time to read my previous posts. It really means a lot and brought me to tears how supportive this site is. And for you to take your time to help me specifically, thank you thank you. Thank you also for your encouragement, "tough love" and advice. The challenge to courageously change the things I can I wrote in my journal to remember this. I have worked with therapists in the past to try to move forward and none have hit it home like that statement. I do think adderall also exacerbates my anxiety around the feeling of thinking my family's safety and happiness is on my shoulders. I have so many reasons I want to quit and will write them on here tomorrow. I have been writing them in my journal for months and might be a helpful exercise to gather them in one place. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DelaneyJuliette Posted January 13, 2022 Report Share Posted January 13, 2022 Be as compassionate to yourself as u would be to a friend! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DelaneyJuliette Posted January 13, 2022 Report Share Posted January 13, 2022 Oh for some reason my post yesterday didn't go through! Anyway adderall definitely exacerbates my anxiety and makes "everything feel important equally." Off of it I still have anxiety but I'm much better able to see what REALLY matters to me and what I can let go of at the moment. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hopefulily Posted January 17, 2022 Author Report Share Posted January 17, 2022 On 1/12/2022 at 3:01 PM, DrewK15 said: Good luck @Hopefulily. I hope to see you have success with this quit. I went back and read your first couple posts. I have a couple comments and a couple questions that will hopefully help. First, it would help so much to get your husband on board as a partner in your quit. Ask if he is willing to carry a heavier load around the house for a couple weeks while the initial withdrawal passes. Secondly, it sounds like you have some tough trauma to process that at least partially drives you to use. You feel the entire weight of your family’s safety on your shoulders and it’s crushing. The world is uncertain and stuff happens no matter what we do. Accept the things you cannot control and courageously change the things you can. That’s a road to recovery. Now for the questions to ponder. Why do you want to quit? Are your reasons for quitting strong enough to carry you through? What is going to be different about this quit attempt vs. your others? Thank you so much @DrewK15 I have been talking with my husband about it over the past year to be honest but tonight we set a plan that I will only cook dinner once a week, he will do one night and all nighttime housework and he has been amazing these past few weeks as I have been trying to go cold turkey. He sometimes gets tired and irritated but I don't blame him. Discussing the dinner conversation and how much it was helpful and I attribute it to your reminder that I really need to get him on board all of the way. I am sad to report I have taken a few 5mgs the past few days. However, considering I was at 120mgs this time last year and have been working my way down I don't want to beat myself up too much about it. I want to focus on the positivity because that will help me move forward I think and this is a hell of a process. I thought I could go cold turkey but I just can't. It is too much of a shock to my system with insane insomnia and then I feel like I can't tae care of my girls. I went to an NA meeting today with my aunt to celebrate her one year of sobriety. I had never been to an NA meeting but it was powerful and very different from what I expected. I spoke and commended my aunt as I have pretty intense addicts on both sides of my family. I admitted I am addicted to adderall and basically whatever pill I can get my hands on. It felt good to say it out loud. It felt good to see normal looking people I would see at a restaurant in a Sunday morning meeting talking about addiction, life struggles but the importance of their community and each other. They really lifted each other up. However, I do not think it is for me. I am very thankful to have this forum and it made me realize the importance of this site. I can't hide if I have messed up and stay off of the forums just because I still have a few pills left just in case I couldn't handle the cold turkey. I know a lot of advice on this site is to let ourselves rest and binge netflix however as a mom of 3 toddlers I don't really have the ability to do that. Once they are in school I will, but until then the process I think would be too overwhelming for me to not have that downtime. I try and put on a movie for them and they just come find me. But that's ok. And as my lovely internet and fellow mama @DelaneyJuliettesaid I need to be easy on myself and know that it is a process. I did also meet with an addiction counselor as well but that also seemed to be a little off as he said he could sense I had bad add (I told him I worry about my driving and making sure all 3 of my kids are safe with remembering to keep a watchful eye) and that if I take my medication as prescribed it is not substance abuse. That is not my goal. My goal is to get off of adderall. I want to get off of adderall for the following reasons and many more: 1. Tonight putting my girls to bed without adderall I really enjoyed it and drank them in. It wasn't a check on my adderall-fueled daily list of things to do. It was almost beautiful and I want to experience pure joy and beauty in life with them. I don't want to waste time with them. I also don't want something to happen like if one has to go to the hospital and I have to say oh wait let me pop a pill so I can tie my shoes and get you there. Hell not that is not how I want to live my life. I want to dance and enjoy life with them as the old me. So what if I can't keep them on the exact perfect schedule and be the perfect mom. I will show them what life is truly like-simple and beautiful and sad and good days and bad days and fun and laughter in between. 2. My husband. He is incredible and we used to have such a sweet love before I got caught up in the adderall-fueled obsession with perfection and taking more, doing more. I read in someone's post on this site that adderall keeps you from feeling lonely. You don't need love on adderall. I have realized this is true for me. My husband is so sweet and does everything I have ever asked. Except kick his twitter and nicorette habits I am a stay at home mom and he works and then comes home to help me with the girls, does the dishes, puts them to bed, folds laundry and then gets attitude from his adderallic wife who would rather clean the dust mites than talk to him let alone have sex. He just wants me to sit down with him and talk or snuggle or watch a show together. I have been doing more of this and we have such a sweet love. It's honestly the kind I have always dreamed of for the most part. I don't want to ruin it with a stupid blue and or orange pill. 3. My body aches. I started one of the books recommended on this site about the history of amphetamines and what it actually does to our bodies. Holy shit I have been so clueless about all of this. I took this medication so blindly and am learning about how horrible it is for our bodies. This is helping my desire to quit. The more I learn the more I want to quit. 4. My relationships. I obsess over other people and what they are doing wrong. Everyone else is wrong when I take it. 5. My weird obsessions that have developed with adderall. I obsess over having extremely blonde hair. 6. I hate myself and think I am so ugly when I take adderall. I used to think I was beautiful. Sure I've always wanted a cuter, smaller nose. When I take that pill I can hardly look at myself in the mirror. It's weird. I used to associate beauty with what is on the inside but now I just pick my skin and have ruined my once nice skin. I do not want that for myself or to be that sort of example to my girls. 7. I am one of those weirdos who is now gaining weight on it. When I take it it stresses me out so much that I either binge eat sugar or do when I am coming off of it. 8. I want to get in actual shape. Adderall stops that. @DelaneyJuliettegood to see your working out actually helps. I too thought I am one of those people working out doesn't apply to. I just listened to this which was incredibly helpful: https://www.tracyotsuka.com/podcasts/ Episode 157is about how exercise has better long term benefits for the brain to treat adhd than medication. I am so naive and knew this but also didn't. There are so many other reasons but I am committed to continue this process, weaning down and figuring out how to rebuild myself without this. There is so much more I want to share and write but I also feel a little silly for oversharing. Thanks for letting me vent. It helps to get it out to then face it. Adderall helps me hide from dealing with everything in life. I want to change that and am committed to continuing. If you are still reading this (don't blame if you aren't one bit lol) and have been sober from adderall for big milestones-is the feeling of the milestone enough or did you use NA or some sort of program to get that chip and see the accomplishment vs feeling it? Or does that even matter? Seeing my aunt get her one year sobriety at NA today made me so damn proud but also I want that chip. I want that accomplishment. But is it that or do I just want to be able to have something visible to work towards or is it that knowing it and saying it on this forum is enough? Maybe I should get to 30 days before I think about stuff like that. Ok now I am rambling. Off to watch and enjoy a show with my husband thanks to an adderall free day today. Hope everyone is having a relaxing Sunday night. Thankful for everyone here and thank you for accepting me as I try to work through this <3 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hopefulily Posted January 17, 2022 Author Report Share Posted January 17, 2022 On 1/13/2022 at 6:48 AM, DelaneyJuliette said: Oh for some reason my post yesterday didn't go through! Anyway adderall definitely exacerbates my anxiety and makes "everything feel important equally." Off of it I still have anxiety but I'm much better able to see what REALLY matters to me and what I can let go of at the moment. SAME!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DelaneyJuliette Posted January 17, 2022 Report Share Posted January 17, 2022 Yes to what u said at the end. Slow down and it will all work out. Think about celebrating when u have 1 week off of it. It will come soon enough and the rest will fall into place. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hopefulily Posted January 17, 2022 Author Report Share Posted January 17, 2022 9 hours ago, DelaneyJuliette said: Yes to what u said at the end. Slow down and it will all work out. Think about celebrating when u have 1 week off of it. It will come soon enough and the rest will fall into place. I need to remember this. One day at a time. I’m so glad you posted about replacing it with exercise no matter what. My husband is watching my girls so I can do a 30 min workout video and have 15 minutes to come here for support, inspiration and reminders. Im definitely feeling a little crazy with all of this but continuing to work through it will hopefully make me less so. What day are you on? @DelaneyJuliette 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hopefulily Posted January 25, 2022 Author Report Share Posted January 25, 2022 Still working towards that one week mark. How are you doing @DelaneyJuliette? I think about you and hope you are continuing to do so well!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DelaneyJuliette Posted January 30, 2022 Report Share Posted January 30, 2022 I just sent u a message!! I'm on day 41!! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.