To flush or not to flush?

[goodgirl804]

In June, I ran out of Adderall because I had been taking too much. I had just spent the prior 3 months pretty much cracked out all the time. I had started a new job and needed energy, focus, etc, plus I’m in a part-time doctoral program, so I need it to focus and to get anything done. But I also got to the point where I would get home from work, go straight upstairs to the office, and read/write for class until it was time to go to bed. At which point I had to take something to be able to sleep. I wanted nothing to do with anything social, or anything at all.

So I ran out because I was taking like 80 mg instead of my prescribed 40 per day. I tried to get my script refilled but couldn’t get past the nurses at my dr’s office. So I had 3 or 4 pills left for a month. I cut them into smaller and smaller pieces. I was really anxious about what was going to happen with my job and school. I think I did start withdrawing, even though I wasn’t totally off of it (still taking rationed slivers of pills). My body felt like a ton of bricks and I had less than zero motivation. I thought there was no way I could do it.

But there were actually some good parts too. I was able to breathe again (I would forget before). I felt more “in†my body. I could sit and look at trees or flowers and actually appreciate them, maybe even feel sort of “in touch with nature†(very cliché, I know). There were some other positives, but I could write about that for an hour.

I had told my fiancé and best friend/roommate that I realized I had a problem with the Adderall. I told them I was going to quit, that I was going to tell the dr not to give it to me again. And I believed that. I read this whole site, researched some on my own, got a bunch of supplements, etc. I did find it weird though, that my fiancé and bf didn’t seem to concerned. At times I even felt like they didn’t believe that I had a problem.

Then my appointment came around. Somehow I rationalized to myself that I COULD take the Adderall with restraint, only take as needed, only while I was at work or doing schoolwork/not on weekends or days off. And then I would wean myself off. So I got my regular prescription.

Pretty quickly, I was back to taking it up to 40 mg. I know, not much in comparison to others, but it had been up to like 100/120. My point was that I didn’t want to take what I had been taking for so long. I wanted to wean off. Now, here I am, realizing that I am dependent on it again. I can’t get started in the morning without it. I lose focus quickly at work when it starts to wear off. I take even more when I have a really busy day to get through, telling myself that I won’t take it once I get caught up. But I probably will.

Lately, I’ve been thinking about flushing it. But I’m afraid for obvious reasons: I could lose my job, or at least fail in my somewhat new supervisory role. I could fail out of classes because I can’t get the work done. I might just curl up into a ball on the couch and never leave my house again.

If I had a week or two vacation or something, I might be able to do it. I would LOVE to have time to take off to go to a 28-day program. But I don’t have it. So my latest rationalization is that I will just take it through the end of the school semester (beginning of November for me). THEN I will taper off. Maybe even flush it. But all the negatives came back with it too, and I hate the idea of living another 2 months with the depression/irritability/lack of interest in LIFE that I experience with the come-down.

Any thoughts?

[Cassie]

You'll know when you're ready to quit - it's the point where you know things need to change and you're ready to deal with all the shitty months of withdrawal in exchange for a better, drug-free life in the future. You already know you're an addict and recognize the negative effects of the drug. If it's any consolation, I thought I was going to get fired from my job after I quit, but then six months later I had my annual review and my boss said I was doing a great job and gave me a raise. I was shocked. So, a lot of it is psychological because working off Adderall feels so foreign. Being in a supervisory role should help because I assume you can delegate stuff to your employees. It helped me being a manager and being able to delegate more and slack off more - yet still get a good review in the end. That being said, it took me about 8 months to get used to working off Adderall. I'm still getting used to it actually, but I feel like I'm almost there. I think in another few months I will be over this addiction entirely (it's been 9 months for me so far).

If you are scared going cold turkey, you could always give your prescription to your fiance or roommate to distribute to you each day, so that you could ween off. That would make things easier, although you will be going through withdrawals several times instead of just once. I've also heard that Wellbutrin can help ease the depression from stimulant withdrawal. It works on the same neurotransmitters as Adderall, but there's no euphoria so it's not addictive or anything. Anyway, just some things to consider.

[Mrs79]

Once you graduate you will have a job...there will always be SOMETHING. I did the same thing as you. I am on day 3 off. For me it is suprisingly not that bad but i think i built up a tolerance long ago. I have taken 30 mg for 6 years. Never more never less. I took 30 mg everyday. I am also on wellbutrin which i think helps too. I want to get pregnant soon so this has to stop at some point. The days where i told myself i would take adderall up until we try to get pregnant are now here. So....the stopping point will have to come one day....

[Cassie]

I just wanted to add that the first month of quitting wasn't that bad for me. The hardest were months 2-4. The first month you're kind of psyched and still living off the momentum of your amphetamine fueled life. The second month reality sets in and you start to panic. That's why I think rehab is worthless for most people. It takes so much longer than a month to get over an addiction.

[Mrs79]

Addiction is an incurable chronic disease.

[Cassie]

For me it's not. I was never addicted to anything before or after adderall. And I'm done with adderall. Finito. There's a famous quote that goes, "Whether you think you can or you think you can't, you're right." If you view addiction as a disease, you're a victim. If you view it as a choice, you empower yourself to overcome your struggles and move on with your life.

[quit-once]

Well-said, Cassie. I view addiction as a disease OF choice.

[Dustin]

Mrs79 is right. You'll find more reasons to take adderall after graduation.

I graduated with my degree last May. I also told myself that as soon as I graduated, I was done. Then I graduated. Then my next appointment came. I took the script, cashed it, and did what is so easy to do when using: I found more responsibilities and tasks to fill my time. I took on larger projects at work, tripled my efforts towards professional development (certifications primarily) in my free time, etc.

You'll always have reasons to continue using, good or bad.

When you mentioned "If I just had two weeks to take off"... I know exactly, exactly how you feel. I'm scared too.

[Dustin]

When you mentioned "If I just had two weeks to take off"... I know exactly, exactly how you feel. I'm scared too.

Sorry, I shouldn't have said I know exactly how you feel. I meant, I am familiar with the fear of not being able to succeed in work, school, etc. without adderall.

[Mrs79]

You are describing something different than addiction cassie. Addiction is an incurable chronic disease just like type 1 diabetes. People can choose to take insulin but they cant "will" their sugar levels. People can choose to treat their disease of addiction just like they choose to treat their type 1 diabetes.

[Mrs79]

Lets not promote the idea that willpower is enough for those out there who prob really need to be in a 12 step program.

[Beautiful Disaster </3]

I feel like I could've written this! I hope you are doing better and have made the decision to quit if you have, you are one step ahead of me.

[goodgirl804]

Just a quick update, and I will write more later....

I had a surgery that made me go off the adderall for 5 days. i intended not to take any more, but I took one at a conference for work. All it did was make me jittery and nervous. When that part wore off, I felt like shit and SWORE I would never take it again. It took me 2 more days to do it, but....I FINALLY FLUSHED IT!!!!!

[goodgirl804]

I flushed my pills 2 1/2 weeks ago! I can't believe I was actually able to do it. I'm waiting for the withdrawals to set in. Most posts that I have read indicate that it seems the worst withdrawal symptoms start around weeks 2-3. So I'm waiting....

I had my shrink up my dose of Wellbutrin, which itself helps with keeping your energy up and being able to concentrate. It seems to be helping.

The biggest thing that I've noticed is that I REALLY don't miss the COMEDOWN. During those periods, I hated everyone around me and loathed myself even more. I would get super anxious, yet depressed at the same time, and feel hopeless that my life will ever get any better (in any area). Now I feel a lot more calm. I'd had a few bouts of amphetamine-induced psychosis, and that is gone too. A plus is that I can actually taste food no! Not good for my weight though ; )

[roxbury27]

Good.

[lightofthetunnel]

addiction is completley curable!! i beleive in it. anything could be a crutch. read my story? :]