so nauseous :(

[GeorgiaRigby]

I am at my desk at a new job that is a good opportunity for me. I’ve been working on real estate, but that will take time to build up and honestly my bravery in doing that was surprising.  I know I can make that a venture that I find purpose and success through, but I didn’t want to not diversify myself with other opportunities and develop my skillset further. I am not an expert on any one thing, my talents haven’t necessarily been nurtured because of my own undoings. 

 

  I knew as soon as I took this job that I would need to figure out a plan. This week, I've been taking upwards of 90mg ^ a day... For. no. reaI. reason.   have been absolutely abusing my medication for years. [ 60 + mg a day + (.5-1.5 mg alprazolam)...  I spend 250 dollars a month to get more because I run out.  I take a half while I’m at a stop sign getting ready to meet someone for coffee, I’ll take one to wake up in the morning and be a person, I’ll split another to take in the bathroom or the restaurant when I’m out to eat with my boyfriend and feeling mopey and empty inside.  When will I be a person again?  I was waking myself up crying for a long time over the past few years, for weeks or periods of time. I’ve had two abortions because I am so confused in my mind and this is the last year of my twenties. I have had trouble with myself and my mental health since I was young.  I have seen therapists and doctors over and across my life, and medications have been a constant for me-almost 12 years of pretty heavy shit. I spend too much time on my appearance and worrying about that to compensate for the chaos inside my heart.  I constantly worry about my hair, buying new makeup/researching makeup/skincare, botox, thinking about plastic surgery’s I’d like to get, whether or not I’m fuckable… Yeah, it’s not cute and I’ve probably lost you as I sound like a complete narcissistic bitch of a person. I promise that I’m not, deep in my soul I am someone with a lot of love to give and a lust for life….

  I am feeling so physically sick right now I could cry.  I am frightened by the way that I am abusing my own body.  I swallow a little doll there and a little doll here to feel good enough to walk into a room or to wake up from an alprazolam induced slumber (no REM sleep). My best friends are these pills... And they don't like me very much at all...

 I vocalize these things constantly to myself, but I am not sure how, after all these years, I will get through the comedown which supposedly can take 1-3 years… Recovery is of course nonlinear, but the thought of a month or two of being physically, mentally, and emotionally useless terrifies me.  I don’t have much confidence in myself because of the artificial dopamine I ingest to feel worthy.  What will I do?  I hear others laughing with each other all around… I can’t physically laugh.  I try to practice faking it so that people don’t think I am a total bitch for not “enjoying the jokes or the conversations”.  It’s almost like I’m too out of breath or too nauseous to laugh…. Or that my brain is just not working anymore… That’s another thing.. Stuttering and word finding.  I catch myself frequently forgetting words or what I was trying to say.  An entire point I am making will dissipate into thin air as I’m attempting to make it.

On top of the physical withdrawals of being off of these drugs, what about the Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome (PAWS).  I’m not ready to feel fully suicidal and like life isn’t worth it randomly over the course of years after quitting the substances.  I have bouts of this regardless of being on or off meds.  like I'm going to through up.  The road ahead is so daunting , I might as well take another dosage to feel better for an hour. 

I read all of your posts and admire you all so much.  I am truly ranting my way through this post today but I needed to get some of this out and into the ethers....

I made a "podcast" that could detail some of my experiences... LOL.  I know no one will listen and that's okay.  I need to listen to my own voice remind me of all the things.... Too much goes on in my mind to retrieve and make sense of much...

anchor.fm/erin-quinn

Love to you all

 

[DelaneyJuliette]

I am so so so glad u posted this here!!!  I have felt exactly like u before and I just want u to know that u can find your way back to yourself!  Sending so much love.  (I've told u this before, but keep doing that podcast - You are an eloquent writer and I very much look forward to reading your quit lit memoir in a few years.  You can have someone edit and synthesize the stuff later!)  Right now, try to focus just on what's next.  What's the next best thing u can do to make a plan that is realistic?

[eyelashaddict]

Omg, I can relate so hard to everything you're saying. I'm obsessed with my appearance but have no idea if I actually care. I literally booked an appt for tear trough fillers for April while I was tweaking and now I guess I gotta go thru with it. I just feel like I have to look a certain way for anyone to give af about me. You're not alone. <3 We have souls beneath all this.

 

*I just want to add that even through withdrawal you're not useless at all. Reading this post has helped me as I'm sure it has many others. 

[GeorgiaRigby]

On 2/17/2022 at 10:58 PM, eyelashaddict said:

Omg, I can relate so hard to everything you're saying. I'm obsessed with my appearance but have no idea if I actually care. I literally booked an appt for tear trough fillers for April while I was tweaking and now I guess I gotta go thru with it. I just feel like I have to look a certain way for anyone to give af about me. You're not alone. <3 We have souls beneath all this.

 

*I just want to add that even through withdrawal you're not useless at all. Reading this post has helped me as I'm sure it has many others. 

I literally am too.. I am so thankful for your post on here, I NEEDED to hear your kind words.  I couldn't relate more to what you're saying... I am constantly trying to think of all the tweaks and surgeries I could get that would give me just some sort of comfort and a final put together.  It's always sort of this underbelly of everything I try to do in life.  It's unbearable.  I feel the same that I need to look a certain way for people to care, notice, accept, love. Yeppp.... And inside my mind and heart I'm just messy and all over the place.  And I feel like I'm not relating to other people (atleast I'm just hard enough on myself to constantly wonder that...) Thank you for saying that what I wrote helped you.. I am going to stay much closer to these and work on truly writing things out and not being a million thoughts in every direction but too lazy to sit down and write. Thank you so much for encouraging me.  

[GeorgiaRigby]

This mean

On 2/4/2022 at 12:59 PM, DelaneyJuliette said:

I am so so so glad u posted this here!!!  I have felt exactly like u before and I just want u to know that u can find your way back to yourself!  Sending so much love.  (I've told u this before, but keep doing that podcast - You are an eloquent writer and I very much look forward to reading your quit lit memoir in a few years.  You can have someone edit and synthesize the stuff later!)  Right now, try to focus just on what's next.  What's the next best thing u can do to make a plan that is realistic?

You have encouraged me like no other.  I am so thankful for you!!! This really pushes me to do this damn thing.  I can't be all that terrible because like you said, theres not a whole lot of quit lit out there!!! You could do this too. I love reading your words.

[DelaneyJuliette]

I love you guys!!!