Mad at myself

[DelaneyJuliette]

Well fuck.  I had 80 days and then I used 5 mg.  And then 10mg... and then...  2 days I didn't pay attention to how much I took.  The good news is that this just started last Thursday, so it's just a week and I haven't gone that far down.  I can still catch myself an make this okay.  It's hard not for fall into the beating myself up category and focus on "what I fucked up" but that isn't useful bc it makes me want to say fuck it even more.  I am mad at myself.  I want a life totally free from mind altering substances.  Except for when I don't.  I think maybe I still need to do better at looking at the few parts of my life that really aren't sustainable without adderall (a too long client day that is literally a trigger every single week.)  But also I have ZERO desire to interact with anyone socially like adults without substances (esp if they are all drinking.)  Which is usually okay and I can avoid it but the other night after I broke the abstinence streak with the 5mg, I let myself "have a fun night" with some substances including adderall while my neighbors got together and drank red wine.  I just wanted to be normal feeling and with my body on substances the conversation was tolerable, even somewhat interesting.   Without it I would have only wanted to be in bed at 8pm with a book.  Which should be fine.  But UGH.  I have an upcoming trip in March for 10 days and I'm really scared.  It involves a wedding of my husband's old friends and I know I am going to want to "fit in."  Not like I care how they see me but rather I feel angry and jealous and so I decide to get myself less present in my own way.  It does make the night more fun.  But it's not in alignment with what I want long term  Ughhhh.  I really thought I had taken adderall of the menu at this point but this is the 3rd time I see the pattern of how not getting off the klonapin and the ambien kept the door open for me psychologically.  I don't know my next steps but I do know that I am not going farther down.  I never want to feel again like I felt last December before my big quit where I took a week off and holed up "sick."  I can get back up.  

[Hopefulily]

@DelaneyJulietteI think we are the same person. I am the same. I weirdly want to fit in to social situations too but really don't care. I feel like I should care and want to be a "fun" adult, enjoy wine with my husband but all of that leads to me having a good enough time in the moment and then I come crashing down. I am starting to realize not only is this an adderall problem but probably an all around substance abuse problem combined with emotional eating problem. I got back on adderall after 10 pretty good days because I can't face myself about how mad I am at myself for being addicted on and off for ten years. Part of it during my last pregnancy which I just cannot bear to digest. I have friends who openly drink during the last trimester and I even went to a specialist who told me to continue the adderall while pregnant but damn it's something I never, ever imagined I would do in my life. I am a mom to 3 very young, energetic girls. I use them as my excuse and even used my two older ones as an excuse to take it during pregnancy. I went to therapy for a while and it did help but what I know is that I have to face it myself. No one else can face or fix this addiction and my issues except for me. I think as a mom I have this idea in my head of who I want to be. Who I want to be as a wife. When I can't measure up I just either reach for adderall which then leads to feelings of shame and then wine and then the next day I am hungover and it all starts again.

I reached back out to my doctor for "one last script" as I told my husband. He was so mad when I reached back out to her. But I promised it was the last time. I had told her I wanted to live a sober life and then lo and behold she wrote me a script when I emailed her and told her living without adderall was too hard.

I am trying to do so many things to ram into my head how bad this drug is. Reading this site (although I snuck away with my tail between my legs after proudly writing I was ten days sober and then quit the next day), listening to Attention: A Love Story who actually quotes this website in her book, watching countless videos online, reading The Amphetamine Debate, The Edison Gene- a book about how if Thomas Edison were alive today he would have been medicated and not able to be creative and our lives would clearly be so different, also about alternative ways to medication and why it is bad. And yet I still take this stupid drug. I don't know why I think one more pill will get me to where I want to go. It does the opposite. It does not help me get laundry, be more patient with my daughters, be a better human. I feel like the girl from the movie bridesmaids where she says "what is wrong with me?" I quote it all of the time.

I don't have a lot of time to rest but that is also an excuse. Maybe I would if I wasn't hopped up on adderall and then drinking or binge eating sugar to deal with the comedowns.

I did have my first apt with an Integrative Healthcare specialist who is going to work with me to sort all of this out. I have an EEG tomorrow which I am terrified about. What deep dark embarrassing things will they be able to see in my brain scan? 

Also coming back on this site after failing sucks. I feel like I am letting everyone down. I want to be one of the success stories, I want to make the senior members and other members pulling for me on here proud. So the easy thing to do is stay away. The hard thing is coming back. DelanyJ, you always come back and keep trying and aren't afraid to admit you messed up and I am so impressed and proud of you for that!

But I guess I will do another round up and throw everything away. Now I have a new doctor holding me accountable and I will get a real picture of where my health stands. I guess that is a start. I don't know.

I want to always be in bed by 8 reading a book too. But I self sabotage that dream away too...

Triggers: cleaning the house, having people over to our house, needing to get ready to leave the house with all 3 kids, keeping myself in our strict budget even though it is boring, not feeling like I have an escape and can take time to journal and work through whatever issues keep me addicted, living up to my perfect image of myself I have in my mind, being attentive/not falling asleep on the mom job as my mom did and my sister died as horrible and sad as that is, scared of gaining weight, not being able to meditate without adderall which I think will fix my adderall problem, hating my adhd self which I think I have bought too much into the cultural adhd bs of needing to be medicated, not feeling like I am deserving of rest because as a mom there is always something important yet oh so trivial to do, unable to prioritize mom tasks, unable to deal with everything I am always supposed to be doing to make everyone else happy, being with myself not on drugs and having to re-learn who that person is and what I am or am not capable of, thinking about how I got here in the first place and not wanting to have to be in the camp of people like cranky sober people I know and even Jessica Simpson and people who have had problems, having to admit to myself I have serious issues and not having adderall to keep my mind distracted... 

Hopefully I will report back with some more progress. Until then, thanks for letting me vent.

[DelaneyJuliette]

I love hearing you vent; it keeps me sane.  You are right though, off of adderall for long enough, priorities just sort of become clear and it becomes really neat.  Thank you for saying that i inspire you by continuing to come back.  That is one thing I can promise i will do no matter what.  I have literally been dealing with this shit since 2003.  I am so tired of it controling me.  You know, i was at the point where it wasn't controling me but i actually weirdly got scared about what my life would be like now that i wasnt just trying to stay off adderall.  that made me kind of anxious and it felt like i was taking away my excuses to count down the hours each day til bed just to gain another day between me and the drug.  i mean that is NOT why i relapsed but it is something to keep in mind to plan for going forward when i get to that point again.  And p.s. every time you report back it is progress simply bc u are reporting back.

[DelaneyJuliette]

8 hours ago, Hopefulily said:

@DelaneyJulietteI think we are the same person. I am the same. I weirdly want to fit in to social situations too but really don't care. I feel like I should care and want to be a "fun" adult, enjoy wine with my husband but all of that leads to me having a good enough time in the moment and then I come crashing down. I am starting to realize not only is this an adderall problem but probably an all around substance abuse problem combined with emotional eating problem. I got back on adderall after 10 pretty good days because I can't face myself about how mad I am at myself for being addicted on and off for ten years. Part of it during my last pregnancy which I just cannot bear to digest. I have friends who openly drink during the last trimester and I even went to a specialist who told me to continue the adderall while pregnant but damn it's something I never, ever imagined I would do in my life. I am a mom to 3 very young, energetic girls. I use them as my excuse and even used my two older ones as an excuse to take it during pregnancy. I went to therapy for a while and it did help but what I know is that I have to face it myself. No one else can face or fix this addiction and my issues except for me. I think as a mom I have this idea in my head of who I want to be. Who I want to be as a wife. When I can't measure up I just either reach for adderall which then leads to feelings of shame and then wine and then the next day I am hungover and it all starts again.

I reached back out to my doctor for "one last script" as I told my husband. He was so mad when I reached back out to her. But I promised it was the last time. I had told her I wanted to live a sober life and then lo and behold she wrote me a script when I emailed her and told her living without adderall was too hard.

I am trying to do so many things to ram into my head how bad this drug is. Reading this site (although I snuck away with my tail between my legs after proudly writing I was ten days sober and then quit the next day), listening to Attention: A Love Story who actually quotes this website in her book, watching countless videos online, reading The Amphetamine Debate, The Edison Gene- a book about how if Thomas Edison were alive today he would have been medicated and not able to be creative and our lives would clearly be so different, also about alternative ways to medication and why it is bad. And yet I still take this stupid drug. I don't know why I think one more pill will get me to where I want to go. It does the opposite. It does not help me get laundry, be more patient with my daughters, be a better human. I feel like the girl from the movie bridesmaids where she says "what is wrong with me?" I quote it all of the time.

I don't have a lot of time to rest but that is also an excuse. Maybe I would if I wasn't hopped up on adderall and then drinking or binge eating sugar to deal with the comedowns.

I did have my first apt with an Integrative Healthcare specialist who is going to work with me to sort all of this out. I have an EEG tomorrow which I am terrified about. What deep dark embarrassing things will they be able to see in my brain scan? 

Also coming back on this site after failing sucks. I feel like I am letting everyone down. I want to be one of the success stories, I want to make the senior members and other members pulling for me on here proud. So the easy thing to do is stay away. The hard thing is coming back. DelanyJ, you always come back and keep trying and aren't afraid to admit you messed up and I am so impressed and proud of you for that!

But I guess I will do another round up and throw everything away. Now I have a new doctor holding me accountable and I will get a real picture of where my health stands. I guess that is a start. I don't know.

I want to always be in bed by 8 reading a book too. But I self sabotage that dream away too...

Triggers: cleaning the house, having people over to our house, needing to get ready to leave the house with all 3 kids, keeping myself in our strict budget even though it is boring, not feeling like I have an escape and can take time to journal and work through whatever issues keep me addicted, living up to my perfect image of myself I have in my mind, being attentive/not falling asleep on the mom job as my mom did and my sister died as horrible and sad as that is, scared of gaining weight, not being able to meditate without adderall which I think will fix my adderall problem, hating my adhd self which I think I have bought too much into the cultural adhd bs of needing to be medicated, not feeling like I am deserving of rest because as a mom there is always something important yet oh so trivial to do, unable to prioritize mom tasks, unable to deal with everything I am always supposed to be doing to make everyone else happy, being with myself not on drugs and having to re-learn who that person is and what I am or am not capable of, thinking about how I got here in the first place and not wanting to have to be in the camp of people like cranky sober people I know and even Jessica Simpson and people who have had problems, having to admit to myself I have serious issues and not having adderall to keep my mind distracted... 

Hopefully I will report back with some more progress. Until then, thanks for letting me vent.

P.S. I also had disordered eating as well... as far back as high school I can remember emotionally eating.  Trying to starve myself and not being able to, becoming bulimic for some years by either throwing up or over compensating with exercise.  Stunningly, food is not an issue for me anymore AT ALL.  it's really crazy.  Food truly was my first addiction (back before i even knew food could be looked at through the lens of addiction.)  I remember stumbling across a book in high school by Geneen Roth called "when food is love" and being like... holy shit this is me.  (I have no idea what the book says anymore or if I'd still relate.)  But see, that all gives me so much hope bc when I was IN all of that I truly could not ever fathom living like I do now where I literally eat whatever I want,  I stop when my body is satiated and I literally practice intuitive eating.  It took years and years to get there but I got there.  In grad school for becoming a therapist we had to do a project where we gave something up for a month so that we could "experience what it was like to be an addict" (so ironic bc I already was one and didn't know it) and I couldn't wait for that class bc I knew I would take it seriously.  I gave up "sweets" and it was so hard.  I remember marveling at how my journal entries sounded the same as those of a heroin addict.  (Cuz it's all related but I didn't know.)  Anyway, my eating disorders and difficult relationship with food and body dysmorphia is literally gone.  (I mean, after 4 babies I will always have a little baby pooch and I don't love it, but I am also not compelled to obsess over it either - I appreciate my body for all the wonderful things it has done and can do for me.  I know I'm rambling but I only got 1 hour of sleep and hell, this is just how I talk lol.  Anyway a couple more points.  I also took adderall through my last pregnancy and even though my doctor said it was okay and prescribed it (I certainly chose that doctor very on purpose) I cannot tell u how many nights I laid awake googling scientific research articles on the possible effects of adderall on fetuses.  It was torture and I couldn't stop.  Another point I wanted to make - alcohol has never been "my thing" but when I was in my early 20s I found the perfect combination of alcohol and adderall together that became my thing.  It was unsustainable.  I could certainly admit I was a drug addict (ehem... I was an addiction counselor snorting lines of adderall in the bathroom of a treatment center) but I could not for the life of me admit I was an alcoholic.  (I still have an interesting relationship with that word depending on where I am in life.)  But the truth is that it's just a word and it doesn't matter what I call it, I just at that point had to see that drinking had become an irrevocable part of the adderall cycle.  I was at a recovery convention (I thought it was just for professionals who worked with those in recovery, but it turned out to be professionals in recovery who worked with those in recovery lol.)  The keynote speaker was a professor who literally told her story and it was my story.  It was amazing and it was that day I decided to surrender to the program of AA.  It was amazing.  I quit the adderall and the alcohol and it saved and changed my life.  I had ab 5 years totally sober and literally all cravings and obsessions lifted.  I could go out and be with people drinking (I didn't love doing that but it also wasn't intolerable.)  Then, slowly, I got the idea that I could probably use adderall responsibly again.  And so I got a script. And for a few years I didnt misuse it.  Until I did.  And even then it wasn't always. But it was like I couldn't unflip the switch.  And then over the years I ended up having gotten myself into a place where I was using adderall and temazepam just exactly the way I had used the adderall and the alcohol!  But it was sooo insidious bc unlike the alcohol I was never noticeably publicly intoxicated etc and so it took me so much longer to realize how bad it had gotten.  Annnyyyway, I quit for 6 months then 4 months then several bouts of 1 and 2 months etc etc but I always went back.  I really thought this time I had it.  But I didn't do enough to eradicate the rest of the cycle.  I got free from the adderall cravings but I see how I got here.  And I'm grateful bc I see how I have to stop again for good.  And I'm proud of myself for taking the time to write this.  I'm proud of myself for pushing thru the awful suffocating anxiety in the wee hours of the morning when all I wanted to do was throw today away.  I crave that even now writing it.  But I also know that at this point, it really is about just putting time between me and the drugs one minute at a time.  If I really do this... I could be relatively solidly back on track by Sunday.  I will keep coming here and reporting and I will keep doing the work.

[m34]

On 3/3/2022 at 1:13 AM, DelaneyJuliette said:

Well fuck.  I had 80 days and then I used 5 mg.  And then 10mg... and then...  2 days I didn't pay attention to how much I took.  The good news is that this just started last Thursday, so it's just a week and I haven't gone that far down.  I can still catch myself an make this okay.  It's hard not for fall into the beating myself up category and focus on "what I fucked up" but that isn't useful bc it makes me want to say fuck it even more.  I am mad at myself.  I want a life totally free from mind altering substances.  Except for when I don't.  I think maybe I still need to do better at looking at the few parts of my life that really aren't sustainable without adderall (a too long client day that is literally a trigger every single week.)  But also I have ZERO desire to interact with anyone socially like adults without substances (esp if they are all drinking.)  Which is usually okay and I can avoid it but the other night after I broke the abstinence streak with the 5mg, I let myself "have a fun night" with some substances including adderall while my neighbors got together and drank red wine.  I just wanted to be normal feeling and with my body on substances the conversation was tolerable, even somewhat interesting.   Without it I would have only wanted to be in bed at 8pm with a book.  Which should be fine.  But UGH.  I have an upcoming trip in March for 10 days and I'm really scared.  It involves a wedding of my husband's old friends and I know I am going to want to "fit in."  Not like I care how they see me but rather I feel angry and jealous and so I decide to get myself less present in my own way.  It does make the night more fun.  But it's not in alignment with what I want long term  Ughhhh.  I really thought I had taken adderall of the menu at this point but this is the 3rd time I see the pattern of how not getting off the klonapin and the ambien kept the door open for me psychologically.  I don't know my next steps but I do know that I am not going farther down.  I never want to feel again like I felt last December before my big quit where I took a week off and holed up "sick."  I can get back up.  

Be kind to yourself! This is the hardest thing to go through.  You will get there.  This back and forth means you really are ready to quit. Have you tried throwing it all out? Or finishing what you have left and cutting off your doctor? 
 

if I had any at my house, even now

I would find a reason to take it… and I’m 3 yrs clean. I can’t have access. Ripping the substance away was the only way for me to get off it for good. Also, I had to quit drinking because it was just a never ending revolving door. Alcohol made me crave adderall.  I’m still dealing with the boredom and need for escape. I’d love to find  a cure for that. I’m back to my productivity level that I had when on adderall. My work schedule is packed again and I’m able to do it all. I’m telling you this because you can heal. I felt like I’d never get to the point where I’m at now. 

I do think trying to lighten your patient/ client schedule would help a lot? Overloading is the biggest trigger in the beginning. 

[DelaneyJuliette]

2 hours ago, m34 said:

Be kind to yourself! This is the hardest thing to go through.  You will get there.  This back and forth means you really are ready to quit. Have you tried throwing it all out? Or finishing what you have left and cutting off your doctor? 
 

if I had any at my house, even now

I would find a reason to take it… and I’m 3 yrs clean. I can’t have access. Ripping the substance away was the only way for me to get off it for good. Also, I had to quit drinking because it was just a never ending revolving door. Alcohol made me crave adderall.  I’m still dealing with the boredom and need for escape. I’d love to find  a cure for that. I’m back to my productivity level that I had when on adderall. My work schedule is packed again and I’m able to do it all. I’m telling you this because you can heal. I felt like I’d never get to the point where I’m at now. 

I do think trying to lighten your patient/ client schedule would help a lot? Overloading is the biggest trigger in the beginning. 

My husband has a prescription that he uses in a non abusive way and I broke into our lockbox and took his.  Thank u for the encouraging words.  I was back at pretty high productivity again b4 the relapse but the boredom and feeling trapped and desire to escape was at an all time high.  I really really really see that I have to get off all mood altering meds (that I control - not like zoloft) and not drink bc that revolving door of craving is so real.  I really thought that maybe I could just do 5mg 1x a week but even if I found a way it's too much work.  It's so insidious.  Tomorrow is day 1 no adderall and I'm gonna come up with a real plan to taper off the klonapin, fioricet and ambien this time.  I see how I started misusing those just to escape, which led to alcohol which led to adderall.  I am so tired of all this.  I'm scared ab tomorrow but I can do this.

[m34]

I’m sorry. I can’t imagine how much harder it is with adderall in the house. I have a family member trying to quit and she has the same issue. I couldn’t just take 5mg either. I’d always find an excuse to take another half or more. Im not sure about ambien or Klonopin. I’ve heard those can be hard to get off of as well, but maybe those are easier to taper? 
 

Congrats on day one w/ adderall. After a  few days you’ll be back on track. Especially, since the relapse was short. I have the same need for escape. I don’t know if it’s ever going to go away. I’m slowly making peace with that.  I’ll still find ways to escape, they are just healthier.  The trade off is instead of waking up hungover …I ran 5 miles this morning. I try to focus on the good and create space within that.
I hope you are getting some rest! Hang in there 

[DelaneyJuliette]

Day 3!  I have a really hard time with mornings.  I wake up with SO much anxiety.   But it will pass.  It always does.

[Hopefulily]

@m34That is where I want to be. Finding escape in running like I used to. I used to run races now I just take adderall and try to clean up all the dust off my floor and huff and puff around thinking I am being productive. That must feel so good to be in that place. Even though you don't feel perfect you are living how you want to live with no pills controlling you. I highly respect you getting up and running!!! I know and have read and re-read that that is the long term answer and will bring the most satisfaction in life. Also getting to feel strong and accomplished!

@DelaneyJulietteThank you for sharing that. I know I will get back to a healthier eating place. I used to be better, healthy, normal size 6 who ran races, ate healthy but enjoyed food and now I just take adderall and stress eat. It is so weird. I am puffy, my skin is sallow, I know I am not getting nutrients, my muscles weak. I too plan to do the work to get back there. I just signed up to work with an integrative health doctor to help with my thyroid and whacky hormone issues. The plan includes working with a nutritionist. I am looking forward to it because I will have to report back to someone...

I hate mornings too. So much to think about, so much of what the kids need, husband, dog needs, house needs. For those ten days I had free I let myself have a latte from starbucks to get my ass into gear and it helped. I might have to do that for 30 days to make it through this time. I hate the mornings too. I will think of you and know we are in this together!!!!

I have noticed my zoloft makes me feel weird so I am tapering off of that too. I have totally stopped the ambien and xanax or klonopin and take magnesium at night. I also have this little lavendar roll on and I have been sleeping like a baby. At first I had trouble sleeping maybe the first week but taking a magnesium pill helps with that pill habit just with something natural. It feels good to have worked my way to naturally drifting asleep and enjoying it! Good luck with that! I know you can do it!!!!

[DelaneyJuliette]

On 3/9/2022 at 10:55 PM, Hopefulily said:

@m34That is where I want to be. Finding escape in running like I used to. I used to run races now I just take adderall and try to clean up all the dust off my floor and huff and puff around thinking I am being productive. That must feel so good to be in that place. Even though you don't feel perfect you are living how you want to live with no pills controlling you. I highly respect you getting up and running!!! I know and have read and re-read that that is the long term answer and will bring the most satisfaction in life. Also getting to feel strong and accomplished!

@DelaneyJulietteThank you for sharing that. I know I will get back to a healthier eating place. I used to be better, healthy, normal size 6 who ran races, ate healthy but enjoyed food and now I just take adderall and stress eat. It is so weird. I am puffy, my skin is sallow, I know I am not getting nutrients, my muscles weak. I too plan to do the work to get back there. I just signed up to work with an integrative health doctor to help with my thyroid and whacky hormone issues. The plan includes working with a nutritionist. I am looking forward to it because I will have to report back to someone...

I hate mornings too. So much to think about, so much of what the kids need, husband, dog needs, house needs. For those ten days I had free I let myself have a latte from starbucks to get my ass into gear and it helped. I might have to do that for 30 days to make it through this time. I hate the mornings too. I will think of you and know we are in this together!!!!

I have noticed my zoloft makes me feel weird so I am tapering off of that too. I have totally stopped the ambien and xanax or klonopin and take magnesium at night. I also have this little lavendar roll on and I have been sleeping like a baby. At first I had trouble sleeping maybe the first week but taking a magnesium pill helps with that pill habit just with something natural. It feels good to have worked my way to naturally drifting asleep and enjoying it! Good luck with that! I know you can do it!!!!

Hopefulily, I have found it useful to give myself compassion.    You are doing A LOT of really good stuff.  You may not FEEL like you are, but that's actually kind of irrelevant right now haha.  Feelings aren't facts.  You are making positive changes just by coming on here and continuing to be real and authentic and vulnerable and knowing what you want.  It's okay to feel like a mess and to hate the way you feel.  Feelings always pass.  They can't not!

[Hopefulily]

Well my addict brain must have known this was coming bc after ransacking the house I dug out my super hidden stash in the darkest grossest part of my basement.  I found 15 10 mg pills and of course took 3 today and yesterday. I felt like I was going nuts but wondering if finally quitting the Zoloft and adderall at the same time is too much. But Zoloft is my adderall crutch so it had to go. I was able to handle adderall with Zoloft. I have my follow up apt on Wednesday for working with a holistic doctor to help me get off of this shit. She had suggested a taper and is going to give me a full list of supplements based off of my bloodwork. There will be no hiding then and I am glad to have a professional I can report to bc I can’t handle this on my own. I continue to be beyond impressed with you all who are able to white knuckle it and have days, months, years of sobriety behind you. I am not giving up this fight rather getting the help it’s clear I need to get me through this quit. I continue to try and listen to quitting adderall stories anytime I get a chance. Even as I was on my pills yesterday and today. Geez. Thank you especially @DelaneyJuliette and so impressed with you!!!!! 

[DelaneyJuliette]

5 hours ago, Hopefulily said:

Well my addict brain must have known this was coming bc after ransacking the house I dug out my super hidden stash in the darkest grossest part of my basement.  I found 15 10 mg pills and of course took 3 today and yesterday. I felt like I was going nuts but wondering if finally quitting the Zoloft and adderall at the same time is too much. But Zoloft is my adderall crutch so it had to go. I was able to handle adderall with Zoloft. I have my follow up apt on Wednesday for working with a holistic doctor to help me get off of this shit. She had suggested a taper and is going to give me a full list of supplements based off of my bloodwork. There will be no hiding then and I am glad to have a professional I can report to bc I can’t handle this on my own. I continue to be beyond impressed with you all who are able to white knuckle it and have days, months, years of sobriety behind you. I am not giving up this fight rather getting the help it’s clear I need to get me through this quit. I continue to try and listen to quitting adderall stories anytime I get a chance. Even as I was on my pills yesterday and today. Geez. Thank you especially @DelaneyJuliette and so impressed with you!!!!! 

You got this!!!  Each day is a day between u and the drug!!

[DelaneyJuliette]

On 3/15/2022 at 3:59 AM, DelaneyJuliette said:

You got this!!!  Each day is a day between u and the drug!!

How r u holding up?

On 3/14/2022 at 10:17 PM, Hopefulily said:

Well my addict brain must have known this was coming bc after ransacking the house I dug out my super hidden stash in the darkest grossest part of my basement.  I found 15 10 mg pills and of course took 3 today and yesterday. I felt like I was going nuts but wondering if finally quitting the Zoloft and adderall at the same time is too much. But Zoloft is my adderall crutch so it had to go. I was able to handle adderall with Zoloft. I have my follow up apt on Wednesday for working with a holistic doctor to help me get off of this shit. She had suggested a taper and is going to give me a full list of supplements based off of my bloodwork. There will be no hiding then and I am glad to have a professional I can report to bc I can’t handle this on my own. I continue to be beyond impressed with you all who are able to white knuckle it and have days, months, years of sobriety behind you. I am not giving up this fight rather getting the help it’s clear I need to get me through this quit. I continue to try and listen to quitting adderall stories anytime I get a chance. Even as I was on my pills yesterday and today. Geez. Thank you especially @DelaneyJuliette and so impressed with you!!!!! 

You got this!!!  Each day is a day between u and the drug!!