DelaneyJuliette Posted March 5, 2022 Report Share Posted March 5, 2022 That was so scary getting back into the complete abyss for a week. I know that me feeling pumped ab doing this again won't last, but I am going to make the sobriety last. I am doing things differently this time. I don't have a lot of time to write right now but I just wanted to check in bc u all are such a life line to me. We can do hard things!!! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GeorgiaRigby Posted March 5, 2022 Report Share Posted March 5, 2022 Yes we can!!!! I didn't take my pills today, either! It's one day for me also. You are worth it!!!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DelaneyJuliette Posted March 5, 2022 Author Report Share Posted March 5, 2022 Omg it got really really hard. I'm so emotionally all over the place rt now. But I know uts just withdrawal and it will pass. But fuck I want it to pass. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GeorgiaRigby Posted March 6, 2022 Report Share Posted March 6, 2022 I am too. I decided to watch this movie and the girls are "not even 29 but 28" and one is a receptionist and she's just feeling like she can't sit on the floor in airports anymore or wear jumpers and it totally messed me up this morning. I can't believe how I've always felt about myself and facing this last year in my twenties is really fucking with me... I take the little orange pill when I want to stop feeling like a worthless, friendless person. And bam, I come on here and act absurd and randomly write things like this. Where do you go when you want to go back? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DelaneyJuliette Posted March 6, 2022 Author Report Share Posted March 6, 2022 In my experience, things even out with time and sobriety. It just takes a long time to get there. Day 2. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hopefulily Posted March 10, 2022 Report Share Posted March 10, 2022 I'm day one again tomorrow too. Just put all of those damn blue pills in our diaper pail and took it out yet afuckingain. But I am done. Done. Done. This rollercoaster has got to end. You all inspire me and I was thinking how great it would be if this time next year we were all congratulating each other on one year off adderall! Let's do this!!!! Life seriously sucks on these damn pills. It makes me so angry how angry and frustrated and miserable I am at the end of an adderall day at even 20mg which is nothing compared to what I used to take. But this is no way to live life. I am going to check in every or every other day. Seriously. Even with just a day count... We got this!!! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DelaneyJuliette Posted March 10, 2022 Author Report Share Posted March 10, 2022 Yes!! Let's check in each day!! It's Day 6 today! I woke up 6 days ago with the same resolve. I am DONE. I know the resolve will waiver but at the same time, cravings ALWAYS pass. So does withdrawal. Yesterday was a reallllyyyy hard day emotionally but I made it through! Today is going to be a long day at the office and I'm dreading it, then my son has a middle school intro thing (then I have 2 more video clients after) but I can do it! We can do hard things. The discomfort is temporary. It doesn't feel like it is, but it is. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hopefulily Posted March 10, 2022 Report Share Posted March 10, 2022 I am jealous you are on day 6. I have already lost my resolve and it’s only 3:30pm ughhhh. I’m so tired and feeling so blah but also at the same time that I want to scream from the discomfort. I ate a bunch of chocolate hoping it would distract me and it made things worse. Feeling like a bad mom just letting my kids watch tv all afternoon but is a worse mom one who continues to take adderall and doesn’t live the real thing called life with them? I am seriously on the struggle bus and trying to get motivated to take us all on a walk. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DelaneyJuliette Posted March 11, 2022 Author Report Share Posted March 11, 2022 Did u take more? It's okay if u did. But if u didn't, then that means upstairs ur resolve but still didn't give into the temptation!! I promise the kids won't watch TV forever. I have been thru this soooo many times. It gets easier. How old are ur kids again? Mine are 11, 9, 4 and 2. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hopefulily Posted March 11, 2022 Report Share Posted March 11, 2022 I didn’t - I threw it out and today was trash day luckily. I of course scrounged around looking for some but have done this before and knew I could t leave any behind. I ate sooo much sugar but made it through day one! Mine are 5,3,2. I don’t want them to suffer bc of my issues but I know if I fix these addiction issues then their life will be better in the long term. I took a few sips of wine to try to calm down but feel like I probably should go the complete sober route. It is just extremely daunting. I have spent all night reading old stories from this site and recovery blogs. I have to keep going strong! I think I drank way too much coffee and had either extreme caffeine irritability or a sugar crash bc I was yelling at my kids all afternoon telling them they were annoying me. Ive rarely done that and hate myself for it but will wake up and try again. I am doing this for the right reasons just a rocky start. They are my little loves though and do not deserve to be treated how I did tonight. Do you have tips on what to do with kids during extreme paws? I was sooo beyond irritable and angry this afternoon/tonight. I am also realizing how many drugs I have given up in the past few months and am trying to give myself grace. I have now stopped ambien, Xanax, Klonopin on a night I wanted something “lighter” adderall and almost off my Zoloft. I kept trying to make Wellbutrin work but I felt weird on that too so just figured I should stop all of this pill taking. I also originally replaced the “night time drugs” with cbd oil for a few weeks and got rid of that bc it made me feel whacky too. So I am probably that person in life that needs true sobriety bc now I am daydreaming about when I can get drunk. Which isn’t going to do an absolute thing to help me through this. I am better than all of this. How did I get here?! The pandemic?! Mom life?! Perfectionism? Idk whatever the answer or reason I need to get my shit together. I don’t feel like doing aa or na honestly bc sometimes I am able to enjoy one or two glasses or Prosecco and I really stopped drinking a lot. Maybe I am daydreaming bc it is the last of my numbing agents I haven’t cut out from this intense wean down process. When I have gone two weeks or ten days without adderall or alcohol I feel SO good and like myself. But then I find an excuse to “party” and be a “normal” adult or mom friend or whatever and it all goes back to shit. When I recently gave up adderall people kept asking if I had gotten my hair done, lost weight, and told me my skin was glowing. I recognized it in the mirror. I have had a few bad weeks with my kids being sick and was using that as an excuse to take adderall again and drink to escape. My appearance just shows how poorly I’m treating myself. I was looking at before and after pictures of people with addictions and I’m sure the before is what I look like too. But I love my kids and don’t want to escape from them just from the crying and whining and no break situation. Even when I hide in the bathroom for a quick break they find me! I am having a babysitter come tomorrow afternoon for two hours so I can journal, workout a little and just be. I need alone time to do this but I don’t get much. Definitely going to start getting babysitters more though to invest in this process and heal. Also I’m meeting with my integrative healthcare practitioner next week to get started on their program of natural supplement recommendations, natural ways to heal the body and nutrition. I watched a smart recovery video from this site tonight and loved what the guy was saying. Think about the things you can do instead of the things you can’t. I need to focus and congratulate myself on the things I have accomplished and not berate myself for the missteps I take. Luckily the adderall and all other drugs are gone (besides the last two weeks of Zoloft I have). I am so excited to get back to my old self. Sure I was adhd and spacey/ditzy, need to workout more than the average person but I used to be so kind and gentle. I have used adderall to make myself seem smarter, more organized and more of a “perfect” person than I am. I need to get back to loving the disorganized, well-meaning, kind, race training, daydreamy, strong/curvy/in shape not the bitchy, overly skinny and pale, petty shell of a person I have become. I have gained 12 lbs so far which does suck but whatever. I want to see color back in my face. That has long been a tell tale sign to myself and probably why I just pretend to not care what I look like and avoid looking in the mirror embracing the disgusting mom look. It makes me so sad to where I am now BUT I see my old pre adderall self in my daughters and am learning to relove myself through them. I just have to keep moving forward and not backward. I haven’t officially cut off my doctor but am going to work with my new natural doc to do so. And I have emailed my doctor so many times recently for a lost script or whatever after I have tossed it so I am out of times to email for a new script. And my husband would be devastated. As would I with myself. It’s just getting through 30 days no adderall. I need to do it. It’s just so fucking hard. And I’m so ashamed of being here. Thank you for your support and help <3 I am going to bed to get my 8 hours! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DelaneyJuliette Posted March 11, 2022 Author Report Share Posted March 11, 2022 Oh girl u are okay!!! I am so proud of u! U are foing a GREAT job. I'm on day 7 now and 2 days ago I had a day where I was screaming at everyone and practically having an anxiety attack. Babysitters its an investment but its for your sanity.) TV. Remember to treat yourself with the same seriousness as if u were going thru chemo. Just put one more day between yourself and the drugs. I love listening to "quit lit" on audible to pass any idle time. (Right now I'm listening to addicted to perfect ab a girl quitting adderall; not my fav quit lit book but its really good) Early on i printed out all the pages on the front page of the forum and read and highlighted them. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DelaneyJuliette Posted March 11, 2022 Author Report Share Posted March 11, 2022 18 hours ago, Hopefulily said: I am jealous you are on day 6. I have already lost my resolve and it’s only 3:30pm I think the point i wanted to make here is that it doesn't matter if you lost your "resolve." Resolve is just a set of thoughts and feelings. You didn't give into the BEHAVIOR and that is the thing that actually matters! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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