1st day w/out Adderall since Jan 25th, 2012 - road back

[GDTRFB]

Today is my first day without Adderall since Jan 25th. I will write more later, because I am having great difficult writing right now.

I've bee taking anywhere from 30 to 60 mg of ADD daily since January.

That is, until a month ago when my boyfriend was prescribed 30 mg Adderall IR tablets.

He knew that I have a problem with Adderall and hid them from me instantly. Of course I went searching for them and unfortunately found them....

The past three weeks have been a total blur, and I believe I've been in a state of amphetamine induced mania/psychosis.

The sad thing is that I didn't even realize that my behavior has become so erratic...so not me.

I've known for a long time that something was wrong but I didn't think it was the Adderall.

I knew that I felt very lonely at work and was sad that I have lost a lot of friends.

I also couldn't figure out why I wasn't interested in attending concerts that I paid a lot of money/traveled to attend. I've always been very passionate about live music and I missed about six converts that I bought tix for and didn't even care.

I used to call my parents (who are older) daily and looked forward to our conversations. Since May i can barely bring myself to talk to them.

I contributed a lot of this to my recent divorce in June... However now I'm starting to wonder what role the Adderall played in all of this.

I'm sorry this is so scattered.

Flash forward to the past few weeks I've been taking around 45 mg of XR combined with anywhere between 45 to 75mg of IR.

So we're talking about an average 115 mg a day...

I ran out access to the IR tablets when my boyfriend discovered that I took his IR pills. He took all of my medication from me and wanted to send me to rehab.

I told him that I could do this by myself. I feel so guilty for what I've done to myself and our relationship. i never wanted to let him down. I spent so much money over the past few weeks and didn't pay my bills. I know that I must have just been acting so bizarre lately.

Monday was the last day I had a higher dose of ADD which was 60mg. I barely made it through the work day and came home absolutely miserable.

Tuesday, my boyfriend gave me 45 mg to take throughout the day, and I really didn't think I was going to be able to make it home from work. I couldn't think, write or send out a simple email. I became very paranoid and angry. I was afraid coming home on the subway.

When I woke up Wednesday morning my boyfriend looked at me and said that I was not allowed to go to work and he stayed home from work to be with me. I thought I needed to taper down so I took 45 mg again yesterday. It just made me angry, paranoid and sad and I had fits of rage and crying.

I had to call off work for today and tomorrow. Thankfully we have a vacation planned for next week. I just don't know if I'm going to be able to go.

Today was the first day I haven't taken any Adderall at all. I woke up at 2 PM and have been awake ever since. I do seem to be quite agitated and irritable though....

Has anybody experienced this before? Is this normal? Any ideas on what I could do to feel better...

Supplements. Sleep. Exercise.

I have so much more to tell, but I just can't do it right now.

Thank you for reading this.

All comments/advice will be greatly appreciated appreciated.

Good luck to everyone else out there that is suffering.

[FALCON]

GDTRFB

Hay there sister yes sounds like you are in the zombie land of the adderall addiction .Well let me start by saying one good thing is that you admit that there is a problem with addiction and I am also reading that your boy friend is there to support you I can tell he’s a good man he took off of work to be home with you when you needed him. I think that’s a great thing to do for someone it sounds like love to me it shows that he cares for you .Today is your first day without the drug now is the time to go thru your cold turkey you must make your mind up today not to use adderall anymore please make a permanent decision now today. You got one day behind you already. It sounds like adderall is on its way to screwing your life around big time this drug is no good it’s the devil it will rub your soul its jest a mater of time it happens to all of us sooner or later. After your 5th day of the withdraw your symptoms will subside you will have some relief I call it over the hump my hump day was about day 10 into withdral. I basically rolled up in a ball and stayed home slept and eat and drank lots of tea I was a heavy user and a long term user maybe it wont be so bad for you. You will need to tell your boyfriend what is going on and that you have given up adderall give him the heads up that you will probably be a bitch for a week. You may also turn your boyfriend onto this website so he will know and understand what you are going thru. I don’t know how easy it will be for you because your boyfriend uses adderall and has it in the house he may be a enabler for you and give you some when you ask for it that is the only thing witch concerns me. Your will most be strong in not useing anymore. It is so easy to give in especially when you start to feel better and everything is going well in your life the drug calls out for you .You must not give in to temptation Real recovery takes about one year thats wat I’m understanding it’s a three part presses according to our experience members. I’m being tested every day I will no longer let adderall make a zombie out of me no way. Best luck to you girl friend your support is here on this web site Your new friend FALCON

A song jest for you

[GDTRFB]

Hey falcon!

Thank you so much for your kind words and well wishes. It's really great to know that someone out there is reading this and actually cares. Congratulations to you on on fighting the good fight, and helping others.

I am no stranger to addiction. I went to rehab in January 2010 for a nasty benzo and opiate addiction. I am on 4mg of Suboxone to help keep me away from the opiates and my Addiction Psychiatrist also put me on the antidepressant Lexapro for anxiety.

I am not blaming my psychiatrist, but the Lexapro zaps away my energy. After trying several drugs to try to combat the effects from the Lexapro, I was given Adderall. I should have never filled that first script.

I told myself that I would not let myself get addicted to this drug. I I somehow convinced myself that I would be able to take Adderall like anyone else could. I let myself believe that I was stronger than my addictive nature. Now, here I am back in the same place... Feeling those same old feelings of regret, shame, defeat.

I know that I need to do this cold turkey, but I am supposed to be going on vacation tomorrow to California to be my boyfriend's family for Thanksgiving. I don't think I can do it without any Adderall.

I either need to:

-stay here in New York City by myself and ride out this out cold turkey OR

-take 30 mg a day to get through vacation next week

I know in my heart that I should probably stay here and fight this now, because I already have 1 day behind me, and I also don't know the next time I'll have a whole week off.

I just hate to disappoint my boyfriend and his family, as there are over 30 people that are coming to attend Thanksgiving at his family's place this year. It is a very important step in our relationship for me to meet all of his family.

Any thoughts on this out there?

Falcon, thanks again. I also loved the vid. Clapton playing crossroads....Perfect!

[FALCON]

Hey baby you have a hard decision to make it’s a hard call to make 1 day clean is really not a withdraw yet the drug is still in your system adder all. Stays in your body for about 48 hours this is when the real withdraw kicks in .So I must say as much as I would like to discourage you from going I will say go for it take the shit only when you really need it when your on vacation Go and have a great time with your boyfriend and your possible new family

Butt when you get back to NY make your mind up to get off the shit maybe crismis brake or new years eve . Set a goal for your withdraw .Best wishes on your vacation you have my blessing for now butt I will be on your ass when you get back Your friend FALCON

Another great song for you

http://youtu.be/7FdWPeHFAMk

[sky]

you know, something I heard or learned or whatever back when I was in recovery for much harder illegal drugs was that the kick does suck, but it's so much in your mind... like, if you get the flu, that is debilitating and sucks ass, and there is no magic cure, you just have to ride it out and give it that 1-2 weeks it takes to get better. Is the kick from adderall anywhere as bad as having a case of the flu? I don't think so. I think it's a lot mental. As with any kick, we know there's a magic cure, and if we take it it will make the shitty feelings go away.... I say walk thru whatever you have to walk thru, suffer cuz you made that bed by making the decisions you made however long ago- deal with it, buck up, feel like shit, have a crappy thanksgiving or whatever, but ride it out. If we always put off the kick till tomorrow, we just keep putting it off... then its christmas, then is quanza, then its new years, then its mothers day, then its ground hog day.... you made the decision to stop, don't make the decision to put it off cuz you don't want to deal with the agony of stopping....

that's my 2 cents.

[GDTRFB]

Hey Falcon!

Hope 2013 is treating you well, so far!

I'm ready to quit now.

I'll be back on tomorrow to update you and the kind people of the interwebs on my situation since my Thanksgiving trip.

Thanks for reading this.

[Heather67]

Hey...welcome back. Hope you hang in there and get thru the quit...that's no stranger to you...you've done the Benzo and opiate thing....motherfuckers for sure...my husband showed me the natures and the ways of heroin and I am now without him and my son without his father for a term of 4-5 years so sayeth the DOC OF MASSACHUSETTS . We all have our things but they all require the quit...my husband didn't stop till they put him in a cell...I didn't stop addies till I was red flagged by R.I. I have 2 months and its been kinda a bitch even lately...but these are the best ever ...the people on this site...always here for me...its my job to use that productively. So hang tight ya know it'll get better.