I was vulnerable with my dad and now I feel stupid

[Defunct]

Right, final post for today and then I will leave you guys alone. Just want to rant for a bit.

I don't have a great relationship with my father; we were just never really close. He was always there when I needed him, but he also was kind of a womanizing, mysoginistic workaholic. As a little kid I used to see his roving eye and think he mustn't like my mom very much if he looks at other ladies more than he looked at her, etc etc (don't get me wrong, my mother was and is a very beautiful woman, which has also led to no end of self esteem issues for me as I've never felt like my gene pool was very generous when it handed out things in the looks department).

My dad has always been a functioning alcoholic, too. But he has never once admitted it. I remember when I realized this - it was when I stayed over at a friend's house one night and I was surprised that her dad didn't put away a bottle of wine before, during and after dinner. I thought there was something wrong with her dad (!?!) and when I asked him where his wine was, he looked at me like he knew something was deeply fucked up at home for me. I will never forget it.

Anyway, it's been a long time since I was under his roof and I'm my own woman now; but just like anyone, a father's love is so meaningful and restorative to any daughter in need.

So anyway, what does all this have to do with adderall...?

When I quit, I decided to tell my own family - over email because we're not that close, and I wanted to avoid a difficult conversation, to be honest. Now, I wasn't looking for sympathy or empathy or a soft landing. I just wanted to be honest with myself, and if anything, I was looking for reassurance that addiction runs in the family and it is something many of my aunts and uncles, parents and grandparents have had to deal with. Strength in common struggles, or something. Some solidarity. Family.

But my father, in his state of denial about his problems, came out with this reply to my email. I was simply astounded by it, and haven't responded since. He said: "...I myself never had to struggle with any addiction, but I can imagine how hard it must be for you"...

Now I'm just angry and feel more alone. My own father not only refuses to acknowledge what a bitch it is to be addicted to something, but blatantly distances himsef from me in the process... I guess, to Falcon's point, you should not judge another. I'm just sad I tried after all these years to relate to him and just could not.

[FALCON]

Goldman sorry I thought you where a dud you’re a chick ok got it. Hey you sound very low right now. Please don’t let this be your last post if anything please feel free to message me personally it’s a private conversation I would like to help you with your angry feelings .I feel you are over reacting now when you quit using adderall you get all fucket up and your emotions are exaggerated and not in the right place this is what I think is going one with you plus you sound like you have a little depression going on this is all a normal reaction from quitting adderall and a normal reaction for your recovery we all went thru these feeling. I my self am going thru a bombardment of memories emotions feelings anger depression anxiety loneliness even it hits me to. The only deferens between you and me is I am older and I have learned how to control all these ill feelings basically I say to my self fuck it I can not control how other people react in deferent situations the only thing I can control is my self this is the attitude you need to adapt because if you let every thing get to you you will go crazy crazy big time so learn and train your self how to control your feelings. Your father loves you baby he may not show it in the way you expect him to you need to understand your father with his faults and everything else he dos. I can consult you about all kinds of shit jest give me a post on the messaging at my profile page hang in there baby .I promise you trust me things will get brighter for you jest have patients you are only in the beginning of recovery

Love you your friend FALCON

[sky]

remember, you can only control yourself, you can only change yourself, be grateful YOU'RE NOT LIKE THAT! feel bad for him that at this late in his life, he cannot connect with his own daughter, when she, seemingly totally out of character, comes to the family with something like you did, and his response is so distant.... I say all this from a point of total objectivity-- If I were emotionally immersed like you are, I wouldn't be able to do what I say.... but, when you look at it from afar, what the fuck!? where's the love, where is the empathy? you're his flesh and blood, listen without being reactive, hear without judging, console without offering solutions or quips.... BE GRATEFUL WE ARE ABLE TO LEARN THESE LESSONS, for isn't that what it is ALL ultimately about?? growth, learning, being a better person than we were yesterday.... I am so sorry that you got that kind of feedback... we all want love and we all want to respect our parents, they're fallible people too and some people never fucking grow or learn or evolve. And I mean no disrespect towards your father. He knoweth not what he doth.... give him that benefit. He most probably didn't mean to HURT you, who said that, "he know not what he doth..." or something? probably JC. wise words though. its true. we take to heart hurtful words, but they are not always meant that way, these fallible humans in our lives do not think like chess players, 5 moves in advance, they just speak.... no thought what the consequences may be, how they may be [mis]interpreted.... love him, he knows not what he does.... don't DON'T fucking let it affect you, hurt you, or in any way change who you are... be glad you are as evolved as you are that you can still hug him, love him, and feel a slight tinge of pity that he doesn't see more of the bigger picture............................................

FALCON!!! Shout out to you my brother!!! hope you're doing great tonight......

[FALCON]

Ski dido dido dido your finaly getting it great job my brother I am so proud of you and your post. It was right on target --------- Goldman you got some fantastic advice from ski go with it baby .

FALCON

[Defunct]

Thanks guys, as always. Sky, "they know not what they do" is yes from JC, who said it about the rulers who sentenced him to death by crucifixion, if you believe that story (no judgment, I went to church every Sunday and it's amazing what you remember; it's a good moral education I guess). I know what you mean, and you are both right - I am kinda down right now, and I have let it get to me... Rising above in periods of depression is hard, man!

It's funny all the things that bubble up when you allow emotions to come back in to your life. I haven't thought or cared about my relationship with my father for years. I guess it was folly on my account -- why would I think he would change now, and admit alcoholism, after all these years? He never has before, he's old and set in his ways, he's not going to now. Sad of me to think I could use my own journey as a way of trying to help/change him.

I'm glad I've admitted I have a problem at least to myself. The lesson here is it doesn't matter what other people say or do, it's me who has to face me every morning in the mirror and be proud or disappointed with the choices I've made. That's the thing about addiction -- the more we are addicted the less we tend to reflect, it's just too scary.