Caught in a Relapse - Advice Needed..

[Thisisit]

Hello,

After coming to this site on and off for the last year, I finally became compelled to actually post my story. I feel this is the time to do so because I am perhaps more stuck than ever before.

Starting from the beginning, I started Adderall in my mid-20s after college when I found myself bored at my job and “feeling like I had ADD†– it was easy to get a script and I started with 10 mg of ir. At first I only took the drug every now and then because I noticed it that it had negative physical side effects and it made me anxious, paranoid and introverted. However, I slowly came to rely on the drug when I had big projects at work or if I didn’t get enough sleep after going out on a week night. Around the same time that I started to rely on the drug, I began to study for a standardized exam for graduate school and I started to abuse the drug in order to study when I got home from work.

After studying for the exam (always on Adderall) I actually ended it up scoring the same exact score as I did on my first practice exam on the real test. After 6 months of studying!!! Not only did this make me, normally a happy and easing going person, very depressed it made me reevaluate my life.

I decided to quit Adderall with the help of this this site. I quit for 50 days. During that time period I gained roughly 15 or 20 pounds, could not get enough energy to workout, slacked at work and stayed moderately depressed most of the time. Things that were important to me over the last two years were now laughable. It was so bad, I caught myself searching my house and car for pills that I may have left behind from before. I would always ask myself “what are you doing? Your acting like some sort of addictâ€. I was, apparently.

I had good days, but mostly they were bad. However, most of the side effects dissipated, which was great.

It was not enough though. Life without the drug was not going well.

I finally came up with the idea that I could start using Adderall again and learn from my previous mistakes….that was 2 months ago. Nothing has really improved in my life, I haven’t completed any goals since going back on it, I haven’t become more disciplined. I haven’t felt like I did during the course of the first 2 years I took it. I just feel like I need Adderall to get by both at work – and at home, if I want to read a book or simply get things done.

I am debating flushing my remaining pills, but I have not determined what it is that I can do different this time around.

How can I make myself have more discipline? How can I move forward, be productive and positive about quitting if I know how bad the following months will be after I quit, since I have already tried it before?

Any advice or feedback is appreciated. I am caught in a relapse. I don’t want to take Adderall anymore, but I guess I don’t know how to stop.

[sky]

welp, you gotta decide that you want something better for yourself, if you actually do. Then, once you make a decision, move forward with everything. I think the thing you can't do successfully is ride the fence, be in limbo, be simultaneously quitting but chipping (using a little bit here and there thinking you can control it) or even stepping down to quit. I don't want to suggest that the same advise applies universally or to everyone, some people need the meds just like people need glasses or hearing aids, but if you, like many people on this forum, took adderall as a way to be better, faster, stronger, etc and abused it then it is probably not the same as someone who needs anti-depressants or anti-anxiety medication. So stepping down is riding the fence to me, a way to delay the inevitable, make the quitting less painful. fuck that, you know what they do in recovery homes? they make you stop, cold turkey. "you made your bed, lie in it and enjoy the mess you made, maybe you'll remember that next time and not fuck up again..." tough love.

So, decide if you want to stop. Then stop. And don't just stop, but buck the fuck up and do something different. Don't JUST STOP, you have to replace the old way of thinking and being with a new way... so seek out those things that are good and positive and will retrain your mind to think in a new way. Get excited to redefine yourself, and then keep doing it every day, so that it becomes a new habit. I read positive literature (note: this is not self help books, but those may be helpful to others), anything that is positive and brain washes you in a positive way to think differently and give you tools to evolve, not just stop and stay stuck in the same cesspool of crap. We all have to make ourselves develop the habits we want- so if you want to be more disciplined, make yourself. It hurts at first, it's uncomfortable to change the routine, but do it once, do it twice, etc... and it gets easier. get up, buck up, toughen up, and keep your sights set on the goal of becoming a better you without adderall. If you want to stop, stop. don't worry about the pills you have left. I have 600 5mg pills still sitting the the bottles from the last time I refilled. don't bother me a bit. they don't call to me, I don't resist taking them. same with the weed I have, just sits there, stopped that too. And I am now somewhere within the first week of stopping smoking. Decided to stop, stopped. Was hard on day one, kind of, not really, not hard at all now. I may get an urge at times when I would have smoked before, resist it, think about something else, goes away. done. I'm 40 years old, never felt better in my life. Healthier now than I have been in 26 years.... fuck yeah. And it's not hard if you decide that you want something different and new, if you decide that YOU'RE NOT GIVING ANYTHING UP! you are gaining something, a lot of things. Then it is easy to just walk away from it and towards something much much better.

[FALCON]

Thisisit

Hello My advice for you is you have 1 option start over in quitting adder all you where 50 days clean so at least you know what your up against you have already experienced the withdrew symptoms we all make mistakes jest learn from your mistakes and don’t make them again its called learning the skills it takes to survive this rat race we are all in your not alone we are right her with you this is a great web site I love it.

Point is start over get your 100% commitment back in quitting adderall again.

Good luck you can do it again I know you can THE FALCON

[Cassie]

Hey Thisisit,

I can relate to your story because I also started Adderall in my mid-20s, due to what amounted to being bored and unfulfilled in my job. And I also quit for two months and then relapsed because I saw no improvement in my physical and emotional state. I feel for you because I know the state that you're in. The second time I planned my quit better: started it around a vacation time, told my doctor I was quitting, gave myself permission to be a sloth, resigned myself to not care if I got fired from my job because I hated my job anyway, and in general just tried as much as possible to minimize any stress and obligations. It still sucked of course, but the planning made it feel more final and took the edge off a bit.

The good news is that the next time you quit it will be easier because you've had some practice already and your brain will appreciate the heads up! The lengthy withdrawal process won't be as much as a shock. The bad news is that recovery is an extremely long and slow process, much of which will be frustratingly beyond your control (your energy, mood swings, depression, confusion, rigid thinking, obsessive Adderall thoughts, to name a few). It will last for more than two months, you will feel frustrated and impatient, and you will see improvement on some days and regression on others. Your addiction will try to convince you month after month that hey, maybe I really do have ADD, maybe I really do need this drug to function. Should I call my doctor? Yeah, let's call my doctor, let's put an end to this misery. It will be different this time, I'll take is as directed and never take any more than I need. Do any of these thoughts sound familiar? It's much easier to convince yourself you need Adderall than say, cocaine or meth, and that is where much of the danger lies - it's social benignancy. What beats those thoughts is remembering that you did not need Adderall to function before. It is your addiction talking, an addiction to an extremely addictive drug that you do not need. Think of it as more dangerous than a street drug because it is pure and unadultered by being cut. In fact, think of it as meth. After all, it's just one molecule away, and meth is lab-produced as an ADD drug too, called Desoxyn.

How can I make myself have more discipline? How can I move forward, be productive and positive about quitting if I know how bad the following months will be after I quit, since I have already tried it before?

You can't make yourself disciplined or motivated or productive in the beginning. These things will be shot for awhile and trying to force them will lead to stress, which is what you want to avoid in recovery. Have very low expectiations for yourself in the beginning months. Read about PAWS (post acute withdrawal syndrome). What helped me stay quit is making a promise to myself that I would stay off Adderall for one year, and if after one year I still felt hopeless and horrible, I would go back on it. Trust me, after a year you will have a completely different thought process, a completely different outlook, a completely different brain. You will be thinking so much more rationally. You will think it's absolutely insane how addicted you once were to this shit, how pathetic it was that your life revolved around a pill. But it might take you a year to feel these realizations and to feel, well, normal again. It will be the toughest year of your life, but it is so, so worth it to be free of addiction and so freeing to get YOU back, however slowly it may resurface. Are you ready for the challenge?

[Thisisit]

Thank you for your responses. The words of encouragement and motivation are awesome. I needed a kick in the ass. I'll keep you guys updated on my process.

[lennui]

one quote that comes to mind: "if you continue to take the path that you're on, you're going to end up where you're headed". i know that's a very common-sense idea, but i guess when it comes to addiction it can really hit home. when i was trying to recover from adderall in the past, i wrote this quote down and taped it to my wall. i also took photographs of beautiful things i've lost because of my addiction, and put them up everywhere. it broke my heart and that's really what it took to see beyond the 'pain' of sobriety.