My Story - Inevitable?

[blesbro]

Hey everyone,

I want to start out by saying that I am extremely appreciative to have found this site. It has given me much hope in my journey to sobriety. With that said, the first time a took adderall was during my sophomore year of high school. Before ever taking adderall, I was nearly a straight A student in all advanced core classes. I had tons of friends, could talk to anyone with ease, was good looking, was athletic and a huge asset to my high school's football team, (not to be arrogant, just trying to give a detailed background) and my future was brighter than most people at my school. The first time I bought 30 mgs for a dollar from a friend who was prescribed, my confidence went through the roof in all aspects of my life. Although I did have a lot of self-confidence, I was going through puberty and seeking social acceptance from everyone at my school and was more or less immature in this sense. I had a great time doing hours and hours of homework where as before I would do the same but it simply did not compare. I could come up with the most meaningful philosophical ideas ever (or so I thought) and my creativity seemed to be never ending. I enjoyed every minute of being on it. During the same time, I had been experimenting with other drugs such as marijuana and alcohol. I could easily control my use with alcohol and marijuana and never went against my plan to not let these drugs get in the way of my education. I also tried to monitor and control my adderall use; however, I have found that this simply is not possible for me which has led me to seek a different alternative.

At some point during my sophomore year, while i was still doing extremely well in all areas of life, I got to a point where i was taking upwards of 150mgs per day for a week. By summer, I did not have enough money to satisfy my adderall addiction (of which i was still unaware of) and was forced to go all summer without any adderall. I felt extremely lazy and depressed that whole summer and as junior year came around, I found a connection for a decent amount and began taking it again at the start of the year. At this point, I had not experienced an serious negative effects of adderall on my performance in school, social life, or sports. I started with taking 5mgs per day, and then 10 mgs per day, and then 20mgs per day, and so on. I played football my Junior year and did well and ended up playing in the Minnesota state championship with my team. Around this time, I did have a fairly strong idea that I was addicted and thought what's the point if I can't take adderall every day? I also felt, as I am sure many of you can relate to, as though I could control this addiction. I knew that I would have to quit eventually and I knew that I did not have enough reason to do so at that time in my life. And so the grind continued. I ended my first quarter with all A"s in my rigorous courses and still had not experienced any serious negative effects other than losing my "near perfect" girlfriend to the drug (which I did not realize that adderall was the culprit until recently). The reason why adderall got in the way of this relationship is because my girlfriend was close to a "10" and had guys hitting on her left and right and my jealousy and tendency to overthink everything really ran me to the ground. Eventually, I could not handle it and ended the relationship.

As the winter quarter started, I began selling drugs to support my habit and was successful in doing so. I began making a large chunk of change while still promising to myself that my academics would always come first. As a high school student, I was making more money than my parents were and it really fucked up my priorities. Although i always knew that an education is the most important thing, the fact that I had the money to buy my own place, car, food, etc. made this fact blurry. This is where my life really took a turn for the worst. Not only did I value school less, but I valued my family relationships, my friend relationships, and my work less as well. After all, I was making so much money that none of these things mattered as much anymore, right? WRONG! I got to a point where I had almost no time for friends and even less for family because I was making money. And a combination of this with adderall really made me feel invincible. I went from doing well in school first quarter of my junior year to sliding by with grades ranging from Fs to Bs second quarter. Although I felt really shitty about this, the feeling of invincibility I was feeling continued to flow from within me and my priorities continued to suffer greatly. To make a long story short, I got to a point during 3rd quarter where I could not keep anything straight. Being late to ever obligation, including class, family events, etc. was the norm. The first day of 4th quarter I was called down to my dean because someone had informed the school that I was a drug dealer. The school found vacuum-sealing bags in my backpack which was enough evidence to recommend my expulsion. My family searched my bedroom and found a large amount of marijuana and other pills. My reaction to this whole thing scared my family. I acted as though it was no big deal. Oh well, I got expelled from school. I still felt invincible. I had stashed away enough adderall to kill a small elephant and so I continued to enjoy my little pink pills following this incident and proceeded to "try and straighten out my life" without the drug dealing. I truly thought that this was the primary factor in messing up my life.

I went through summer leading up to my senior year attempting to get back to who I once was, and to no avail, the addy won once again. Throughout the most recent summer and this fall, I have been to a point where i was taking anywhere from 20-75mgs daily. For the last month, I have been very well aware of my addiction and really trying to do well in school. I did well in my classes during the fall, as I probably upped my dosage just prior. Without fail, the dependency caught up with me and I am looking at Cs Ds and Fs as my final grades for the first semester. I'm currently finishing up my first semester this week and am taking a non-negotiable 30mgs per day. As I realized that I won't be able to bring home a good report card to my family once again, I realized that I cannot do this anymore.

I do not want anything more than to be my old self again. Right now, I do have some very close friends that are aware of my desire to quit forever and are very supportive of my decision to do so. They have seen the changes in me including my decreased confidence, my lack of sense of humor, and my decreased motivation. I once could prosper in my rigorous courses without adderall and now I can hardly pass less rigorous courses due to lack of motivation. I am always busy while I am awake, but I'm not busy studying, I'm busy playing video games or smoking marijuana or just hanging out doing nothing. I wish to only quit once and am planning on doing so this Thursday following my last final before my month-long winter break. I feel as though I will undoubtedly be able to do it because I want to get back to being me MORE THAN ANYTHING, but maybe quitting the first time simply isn't as probable as I think. Especially because I still do have a lot stashed away and available to me. I have been through the withdrawals once for about two weeks after taking it daily for several months due to supply issues so I am aware of how it will feel. I did nothing but sleep and my life felt grimmer than ever before.

I want to thank you all so much for reading this, it truly means a lot to me. I would appreciate any advice or tips that will aid me in my journey to sobriety and also in attaining my goal of quitting this Thursday.

[kisskiss]

Make sure you are consuming a good diet & exercising. I take CALM (calcium & magnesium supplement) for the body aches. I also take Iron, Zinc and L-Tyrosene for mental awareness, energy, mood stabilization, and appetite suppressant. So far, so good. I also juice daily, lots of fruits and vegetables. I'm down to 10mg about 4x per week. I haven't totally detoxed yet, but I'm trying to wean myself off. This seems to have been more effective for me...

Hope all goes well! I enjoyed reading your post and wish you the best!

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

Hi blesbro,

While your story is so terribly sad, I wish I could say it was unusual. It's not. Read the other stories on here and there are chapters upon chapters of similar stories: people who were smart, educated, popular, confident... people who really didn't need anything at all other than a good look in the mirror to help them realize how good they had it.

Well, I guess now you've had a chance to see that in hindsight. I know too well that feeling of just wanting my old self back, I have been clean 54 days today and I can tell you what people say here is right: it is a hard slog, give yourself time, it's going to take longer than you thought. But just this morning I woke up thinking to myself that I wasn't saddled with an overwhelming depression or thoughts of heaviness, sadness or confusion about who I was or where I wanted to be. Sure, I am jobless and that's scary; but I know at the end of the day I am going to be ok. The reason I tell you this is because you are too, if you stick with it.

Preparing for your coming down is a good thing. Tell your close friends -- so they know to be prepared for seeing you at your lowest -- stock up on supplements and vitamins (even if you're not a believer, the placebo effect is a real thing too, so either way you're winning!), don't try to plan to do too much. I can hardly remember anything of the first month...

What you're about to do is the bravest thing you've probably ever done. You won't regret it, although at first it will suck; and every day clean is a day closer to getting your old self back. But this time it will be a better than old self because it will be one who has learned what it's like to be at the bottom; and hopefully you'll take some lessons away.

One final thing: you're a great writer. If you feel up to it, keep writing about your experiences through the journey. It has helped me a lot, maybe you too. And please don't go away from this forum like so many others! As sky said, so many people write here and then never come back. Look, even if you relapse, at least we know you are still alive. I was about to say good luck; but you don't need it. You just need time, patience and sleep.

[quit-once]

"I wish to only quit once and plan on doing so this Thursday........"

"I want to get back to being me MORE THAN ANYTHING but maybe quitting the first time simply isn't as probbable as I think."

Blesbro,

First off. I enjoyed reading your story and it was well-written. I plucked the two key elements from it above as quotes because it demonstrates a well-thought out plan of action for quitting adderall once and forever: You have a date-certain( quitting deadline) coming up this Thursday and you want to sucessfully quit MORE THAN ANYTHING.

Here is a short list that will help ensure your success for your upcomming Quit:

1) You MUST have a HUGE penalty in mind in case you fail to quit and stay quit. My penalty would have been acceptance that I could not do it alone and if I was not successful quitting once then I would have had no choice but to enter a treatment program of some kind. I did not want to go through "treatment" for something I did to myself. If you are a person who keeps your promises, this penalty will raise the stakes to a very high level if you fail. But failure is simply not an option.

2) You need a really big reward WHEN you succeed - you choose the terms of success. In my case, I went out and bought some new photography equipment and started a new hobby.

3) Make your stash of adderall inaccesible and inconvenient to get to. Round up all your pills and clean out all your stashes. I went to Wal Mart and bought their most expensive key safe, locked up all my pills, then put both keys in a bank vault safe deposit box, in a town 100 miles away from where I live. Have a plan for disposing of the wayward pills in case you find them later. I never did find any. Keep in mind if you start tearing things apart looking for the pills you have already lost the battle in your mind because you will have conspired to relapse.

4) Make a list of all the reasons you are quitting and look at it every day.

5) If you ever get tempted to give in to your addiction, please come back to this forum and get help before conspiring to take even one pill.

6) Do WHATEVER IT TAKES to make this work for you. Your number one goal is to not take adderall or any other stimulant drug any more for the rest of your life. Period.

I am confident you have the resolve and the guts to make your planned Quit on Thursday your one and only. Recovery will take at least a year but it will be much, much easier if you only have to quit once.

"You only get one chance to quit once"

[FALCON]

Hey there brother you have made a great decision to quit using adderall it sounds like your soul is broken this is what adderall does to your brain. Welcome to the forum you will get plenty of support on this great web site .You did not come across the web site by accident it was your destiny and faith in finding us.Well her I go brother your intentions and priority are in the right place congratulations on that . You will need 100% commitment on your part in the dissension to quit this devil drug we call adderall fuck this pill it has destroyed lots of souls and put its victims in the zombie mode. Her is my question to you Thursday is coming up this is the day you have decided to quit using adderall am I correct with that .My concern is you have so much surplus of adderall stashed away I feel it will be a deterrent for you .So you need to make a decision before Thursday what to do with all your pills if you give them away to your friend or someone you know you are giving them the shit that rubbed your soul in the first place do you want the next person whom receives your surplus of adderall to be as fucked up as you are now .Let me put it in a different way if you had a extremely bad case of the flu would you want to give it to someone you know or would you tell them not to come near you because you ar contagious and you don’t want to infect them and suffer like you have. So along side of quitting adderall you need to make up your plane for your surplus of adderall Listen to the advice of quittonce he has the most experience in this forum you need to make a decision on what to do if you are going to be 100% ready to quit using adderall if you are successful in quitting you will get your soul back and feel like a person not a zambee. I know you will make the wright decision by Thursday. I have read your post and think you are a very intelligent person Keep us posted on what your going to do with all your surplus of shit

FALCON

[blesbro]

Hey everyone,

today is my first day in many, many months and to be quite frank I feel fucking great. This isn't supposed to happen, I know that, and so I am confused. I have been taking 1000 units of vitamin D for the last month which I have found has made me feel WAY better. I believe that I probably either had a vitamin D deficiency from the addy or I have seasonal depression or a combination of both. Kiss Kiss - thanks for your advice, I bought a bottle of CALM a while ago to deal with the muscle aches and pains during the addiction and I had forgotten about them until you brought that up. I'll definitely start taking those again. I've also been taking the best multi-vitamin that I've been able to find along with fish oil. I go to the gym at least 3 times a week and have done so for the last three years of my life so I think that may have played a factor in why I feel all right today. I just went on a healthy food shopping spree and am so excited to begin taking my workouts and diet seriously again. No more half-assed workouts at the gym and no more mini-meals that make me feel like I am eating enough. I am planning on getting some L-tyrosene from the store tomorrow also.

Motivation_follows_action, I really appreciate your insight. Your view that I will be better than I was before I took adderall really gave me a surge of hope and motivation to get to that point. I told all of my close friends, most of whom don't truly understand the challenge that I will be facing, and I also just told my parents yesterday that I had an addiction as well as explained to them my plan to end it.

Falcon, I did sell off about half of my stash and the rest I gave to different buddies. I completely agree with you, fuck this pill. It took away my soul (temporarily) and at this point in my life I believe that it has nothing good to offer me anymore. I wish I would have known the long-term negative side effects before ever taking it, but then again, I couldn't have truly understood what "losing your soul" feels like from this drug without going through it. I can't even say that I regret ever taking addy because I truly believe that if i EVER took it at any point in the future, I would have had to let the addiction run it's course. I am so thankful for getting this problem solved early on in my life.

And quit once, i really really appreciate it. I think you're the person on this forums that I can relate to most in terms of how our addictions were and i literally did everything you suggested (except i got rid of my stash, I just don't want them anymore). So thanks!!!

This is only day one so I'll keep you guys posted on how things are going down the road. Once again, THANK YOU EVERYONE!!! Your support is amazing.

[quit-once]

Day two may not feel as good as day one but it seems that quitting has had a minimal impact on you so far. Good job getting rid of all your pills. When I hung onto mine, they started to tempt me about five months post-quit. When I was unloading them to my friend I was lamenting it and he asked me what would ever make me take them again. I could not think of ONE reason I would ever go back. Then he said "what if you were dying" and I took pause, and agreed that adderall might ease the pain of dealing with a slow death. But that is simply bad karma to keep a stash of pills around for that grim and unlikely reason. So I gladly unloaded all of them and never looked back.

Have you given any thought to dealing with your friends who still take adderall? My friendships were based on more than just adderall (execpt with my dealer) and I wanted to keep them after quitting. So I told all of them that I would be really pissed if they EVER offered me any, even in "good faith". Since you have told your close friends you were quitting, you have likely already addressed this issue. And wow, what courage that took to tell your parents. I read a biography of somebody who quit smoking like that: told everybody he knew he was quitting and his honor kept him from relapsing. Just wish I could rememner who it was.

Welcome aboard this cool forum, Blesbro. I have never met so many like-minded people in one place. Congratulations for beginning an adderall-free lifetime!

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

You came back! Congratulations for doing that and getting through day one. You're at the beginning of recovery. I've learned so much through this forum and site, mostly from people who are here every day. If you feel up to it, read about PAWS and the supplements - I'm a skeptic of vitamins etc but put that aside when I realized it couldn't hurt, and now I have bottles of vitamins and supplements filling up an entire shelf on my bookshelf in my study. Also I find that the act of taking a pill was for me, at least in the first few weeks, somehow replicating the habit of pill popping. I have found that keeping the rituals around drug use but turning them in to positive versions of the same.

InRecovery and Quitonce kept saying to me in the first 2 weeks... go easy on yourself...go easy on yourself... and honestly, (no offense guys), I thought they were lazy. I tried to start a new gym routine, and I felt great the first 2 days... I still don't know why... but the end of the first week was when it really hit. All I wanted to do was sleep, eat, and have sex.

So ride the waves with us, check in, ESPECIALLY when you're feeling crappy. I wish I had learned about this forum earlier; I was hospitalized for attempted suicide 3 weeks after I quit,because I had no idea what I was going through and didn't realize I was just at the lowest point of physical withdrawal. People here would have been like, duh, of course -- you're going to feel shitty; your brain hates you for taking away its fun juices (technical term ha ha).

Hang in there, what a great Christmas present you're giving yourself -- the beginning of the rest of your life back. And hopefully your friends and family won't mind if you take A LOT OF NAPS through the holidays....

[FALCON]

blesbro

Hey brother congratulations on day one your journey has jest begun it thanks 48 hours for Adderall to leave your body I don’t want to be a kill joy butt you will feel the effects soon. I hope it will be an easy transition for you .Jest keep your will power strong and do your supplements and work outs your brain will recover it takes time and patients hang in there brother we all are supporting you on quitting adderall. One more thing I know you have some security stash hidden I don’t want it to be a temptation for you so when the time is right dump the shit don’t keep it around.

Your friend FALCON

[blesbro]

Hey everyone,

today is my 10th day without adderall since quitting and I can agree that every day up to now has been better than the last. It's crazy, I have so much hope for my life now and my self-confidence has begin to burst once again. I have been LOVING all of the natural enjoyments of life such as eating, sleeping, laughing and joking, and just having fun being social and meeting new people. I realized that adderall made me not want to meet new people. I don't know if that was because once i realized I was addicted there was no point in making friends with new people because I wasn't me and knew i would have to become the old me soon enough or what but my desire to meet new people, make new friends, and start new relationships is renewed.

I feel like every day is a blessing and I have been enjoying every minute of being sober. Of course, there has been one challenge which I have been embracing. Getting work done takes much more mental willpower to get started and to finish. I was trying to change the headlights on my car one day and I'm not good with cars in the first place. I figured out I had to take off part of the bumper on one side and long story short and four hours later I got the job done. There were so many times when I had to take a huge breathe and basically just say, "FUCK!" but I just kept going because I know that I need to develop my work ethic once again. My motivation is high but my work ethic and perseverance in completing any type of task is lacking. I'm not worried though, that will come with time.

Quitonce - I have told all of my addy friends and I was very clear that I will NEVER for ANY reason take addy again. And they know I'm a man of my word. All of my friends pretty much take addy occasionally for finals, etc. and I have found through talking to them that two of my friends are in a much lower stage of addiction than I was prior to quitting. They are like how I was a year or more ago. I told both of them that I'm here if they ever feel like they need to quit and I said I suggest they quit but also I can completely understand that maybe they need to let the drug run it's course and they need to decide to quit on their own. Also, there's no doubt telling my parents and family has made this decision much easier to STAY quit.

Motivation_follows_action - I still feel great, do you think it's possible that I just won't experience that depressed feeling that you encountered? It was the best Christmas present I could have given to both myself and my family, you're right!!

Falcon - Thanks man, i appreciate the encouragement and support. I have gotten rid of my stash, do not worry. I do have a lot of connections for the drug, however, so I will keep my willpower strong!!

Thanks for replying everyone! This was way harder to write than my first post was on addy. I had to actually TAKE BREAKS to get this post done... haha but other than my decreased work ethic I feel damn good and I hope that I can be an example for people of someone who actually really enjoyed the recovery process.

[quit-once]

You have the most positive outlook on recovery that I have ever seen. Your post reminds me of my own feelings in early recovery. I was so relieved to be done with that awful addiction. This can be a really exciting itme in your life, looking forward to a normal life beyond the adderall lifestyle. I believe your recovery will relatively easy for two reasons. First, you have a great attitude and a positive outlook. Second, your adderall addiction ran its full course - and the ripe fruit is always easier to pluck from its tree. I remember you wrote you were taking a "non-negotiable 30 mg per day" before quitting. That says you were really looking forward being done with it forever. I remember thinking in my last few months of taking adderall "I hope I can survive this addiction until I can quit on my terms" I experienced just about every negative side effect in the book and I realized that my quality of life and my lifespan were both dependent on two things: quitting adderall and quitting cigarettes. Thanks for the update, Blesbro, and please continue let us know how you're doing as you progress through your recovery.

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

Not only do you have a fantastic attitude, blesbro but you write really well. Good luck in the coming days and weeks... remember to look back on that post above and remember why you gave up, and that it IS in fact all for better.

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

Hey Blesbro, how are you doing? Just checking in...

[blesbro]

What's up guys,

It has been a little more than a month and things are going great. I have had a lot more time to reflect and have come to many more conclusions regarding my recovery. I have not taken any adderall, if anyone was wondering, and I still have confidence that I won't ever consider taking one ever again. After all, I have gone through withdrawals, to some extent, followed by starting again with strong intentions of "controlling my use" a few times in my life. However, to no avail, 5mgs always turned into 10mgs, 10mgs always turned to 20mgs per day, etc. I am addicted to adderall and taking one pill here or there is simply is not an option.

There have been SO MANY benefits of quitting and only a few difficulties, which were expected. I did not even realize how socially anxious I was until after quitting adderall. I could always seem to be a "normal person" to other people but I was constantly focused on whether or not other people were looking at me, what they were thinking about me, and why everyone else seems to be socially awkward. It turns out, as you might expect, that I was just never fully focused on doing what I was doing in the presence of others but rather focused on stupid shit that only aided in keeping me on the slow road to insanity. At the gym, I wouldn't be 100% focused on getting the last rep of a set up but rather who was watching me and how to "look" like I was giving 110% effort. It was so fucking ridiculous I can't believe I allowed myself to do that for so long!

My ability to connect and relate and hold conversations with other people has increased EXPONENTIALLY. I am no longer nervous when talking to someone I don't know and my fears have led me to act and overcome rather than do nothing about it and remain fearful. After all, on the other side of every fear is freedom, right?

I've come to the realization that addy suppresses all emotions, good and bad. I realized that even bad emotions, at least for myself, do me a lot of good. Anger, rejection, failure. These emotions, along with others that I can't think of right now, have always led to huge natural motivators to improve myself. I have been obsessed with self-improvement even before taking adderall and when I first began taking adderall, I remember that I felt as though I were able to improve myself 1000% faster than without adderall. Eventually, I wasn't able to improve myself at all, and then it was no fun. So basically, it suppressed and limited the natural endorphins and dopamine I received by not allowing me to eat, have a high sex drive, and truly appreciate the natural enjoyments of life and it hindered my ability to gain motivation from the negative things happening in my life as well. A lose lose in my opinion.

Adderall gave me the ability, which I already had prior to taking it, to focus 110% on anything that I attempted to focus on. After using adderall for two years, and quitting cold turkey, I haven't been able to focus on anything with such intensity. I see the ability to focus and a muscle and the more hard work I put into trying to focus, the easier it will get. I know I have the potential to do this without adderall, it's just going to take some time and hard work to gain this ability back.

The other most obvious negative impact of quitting adderall that I have noticed is, as I posted above, my work ethic is lacking. I believe that work ethic is like a muscle and the more work that I force myself to do, the easier and easier it will get. I am truly looking forward to being able to work long hours with a high degree of focus once again. I am confident that I will be able to do this. It will just take time and effort.

Thanks for reading this guys. I feel blessed to have all of you here with me on my journey. Feel free to tell me what you agree/disagree with or what or thoughts are on this post. I'm always open to learning new things and other people's opinions.

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

I always thought on the other side of fear was strength, or love, or hope, or power. I guess it could be all of the above, PLUS freedom!

[blesbro]

Hey everyone,

just wanted to give a brief update of my life. Today is my 64th day off adderall and life continues to improve. It's truly amazing. I do not even think about adderall on a daily basis anymore; however, recovery still has a place in my life. It is still extremely difficult to be productive. I feel as though I would be able to just get a bunch of shit done after being two months sober, but it's just not as easy as I thought it would be. I continue to try and push myself to get a little bit more done here and there, do a little bit more work than I did yesterday, etc. This seems to be working and I am able to focus for longer and longer each week that passes.

I will say that I am really frustrated with my ability to get stuff done. I will not, however, take an adderall to get anything done. Even though I know that if i took a pill a day before any given test I would most likely be able to ace the test, I know that I never want to have to go through recovery again and I am well aware of the fact that nothing feels better than being successful at something after working my ass off rather than letting a little pill work my ass off for me. In short, the easy way out cannot get me to where I want to be. I would never be truly happy having to rely on a stupid little pill to get anything done. It won't help me turn into a man and it won't get me anywhere.The other areas of my life are continuing to improve as well. Just recently within the past couple weeks I have really started to realize the importance of school again. I am starting to really strongly desire to do well in school because I am thinking about my future. All of my natural motivations are coming back and the "fire in my belly" is beginning to burn brighter and more viciously every day. Every day I realize more and more how badly I want to succeed in life and accomplish my dreams. I know that there is no other way for me to feel true happiness than to achieve my goals and aspirations. It has been very interesting and REWARDING to put myself in uncomfortable situations and deal with them head on rather than escape into my own little world of comfort by taking a pill. I want everyone out there that is struggling to know that facing hard times and pain is what makes people great as well as feel great. It is a natural part of life. Not every day can be a good day anymore and I am fine with that.

I would appreciate any advice which might aid me in getting my work ethic back as quickly as possible because it really is hard to feel accomplished and happy without it. Now that my motivation to get shit done in my life are coming back, I am beginning to want to have a strong work ethic more and more and it really is difficult to have to accept my current work ethic.

I will continue to ride this train because I know that there is a better me in the future. The only solution for my shortcomings right now is time, hard work, and perseverance and I intend to stay the full course.

Thanks for reading!

[quit-once]

Hey Blesbro-

Thanks for the update. I never once doubted that you would make your quit happen and succeed at it. Good job getting through your first two months! You are about at the point I was at when I first joined this site and started posting. In my early posts I lamented the loss of energy and motivation, I remember bitching that it had been the most unproductive summer I ever had. Unfortunately, there is not much you can do to force more energy and motivation.

Here is my perspective for helping you to accept your own lack of energy and motivation:

When you first began taking recreational adderall, you joined the Addie Club. Most clubs collect their dues from members up front, in advance, but not the Addie Club. Nope, and it seems like a deal too good to be true in the beginning. In fact, you don't know there are any dues to pay until after you quit. Your dues are not paid in money, but in recovery time and frustration from the lack of ability to accomplish all you would like to do without taking a pill.

Everyone's recovery time is different. I began to gain a little more energy without solely relying on coffee and redbull around the three month mark. Recovery is an up and down process; it is not linear. I felt a sustained improvement in how I felt about 9 months into the quit. Much better by a year. Now closing in on two years, and I am still getting more of my old inner drive and zest for life back. I have just recently began to experience true passion for some of the work I have been doing. You know, the kind of passion that keeps you up till 2AM goin' strong to finish that last task so you can say "mission accomplished".

Sorry I don't have a solution for making recovery a smoother process - I am not sure there is a simple solution other than lots and lots of patience and self-acceptance and a belief in a better future - which you already have.

[blesbro]

Hey man,

Wow that was a quick response. That's awesome that you're able to be so active on this site! Anyways, for the first month of recovery, I basically relied on energy drinks. Even coffee didn't cut it for me in the beginning. For the past two weeks though, I've been able to feel awake and attentive for most of the day with a couple cups of coffee. I rarely get energy drinks anymore. I also haven't been napping or feeling the need to throughout almost every day. Anyways, I still have to strive to get my work ethic back as soon as possible because that's my nature. But I will definitely remember that metaphor when I don't do as well as I would have liked to throughout the rest of this year. I appreciate your honesty. It's reassuring to know that my feelings of frustration and lack of motivation are normal things that happen during this period of recovery. I can't wait to get back that inner drive that you're feeling. Imagining and acknowledging the fact that I naturally have that drive and it will be in my future is one of my biggest motivators to not take adderall. Thanks for your input man, it means a lot.

Blesbro

[lea]

Congratulations blesbro -- your story really hit a nerve with me. I am 7 weeks as of yesterday and still having a hard time getting motivated so I can't give you advice on this but just wanted to let you know I'm right there with ya!

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

blesbro, congrats and thans for keeping us updated with your progress.

This theme, motivation & task management, seems to be a big one around here these last few days. It got me wondering if anyone really doesn't ever struggle with this? Maybe it's called being human.

[blesbro]

What's up guys,

I'm 5 days away from my six month anniversary off adderall and I just wanted to update everyone on how I've been doing. My life right now sucks and I am extremely frustrated with my ability to get anything done off of adderall, especially school work. I didn't graduate high school this year like I was supposed to because I could not get my school work done. Getting back to my old self, in my opinion, has been way harder than actually quitting adderall. I do not wish to ever take adderall again. I haven't forgotten how fucked up I was prior to quitting and I am so grateful that I don't feel any urge to take adderall, but still life's a huge struggle and I'm having a really hard time getting my motivation and work ethic back. Because of this, I feel pretty worthless and have had some depression. I feel pretty shitty because I know all of my friends are going to college next year and I'm gonna be living at my parents house and STILL CAN'T GET MY SHIT DONE. There's still absolutely no way I'm gonna take adderall to get anything done because I was once extremely focused and motivated without adderall. I know I will get back to where I was pre-adderall buy it's just frustrating as hell trying to get there. It's summer and I am supposed to be enjoying it with my friends but it seems like it's impossible for me to really have a good time or be in a good mood because I know deep down that I should be getting my school stuff done. I don't feel like I deserve to do anything fun and so often times I just go home and do nothing instead of hanging out or partying with friends. On a positive note, I really am back to my old self in many ways other than the fact that I'm lazy as shit. I'm able to connect with people now like my old self and enjoy being around other people much more. I still work out five times a week and have had huge gains in the weight room which I'm proud of. In short, although my life seems pretty horrible right now I can't help but feel insanely grateful to have kicked adderall. By far the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life and am still trying to get through it. Anyways, thanks for reading!

Blesbro

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

Congrats on making it this far. I wonder of there is something about the 6 month mark... I've been feeling pretty crappy about myself too these last few weeks. Anyone remember the 6 month quitting period - how did you feel, QO, Ashely, in recovery, liltex?

[quit-once]

Blesbro-

Congrats for getting beyond the six month mark. It seems like each quarter of the first year of recovery is something special to celebrate because you just gradually feel better with time away from the adderall.

I want to address your concerns about not getting shit done.

See that cute little animal picture by my name to the left? It is a sloth. The sloth was my mascot during the first year and a half of my recovery. After all, slothfulness is one of the seven deadly sins. If you look carefully at my mascot, you will see a tiny box mounted to his head. That is a sloth-cam...... so even the lazy sloth may contribute to a science study.

I remember in one of your early posts you were determined not to let your adderall recovery get in your way, and it looks like it did just that and kept you from finishing high school on time. You have just gotta buckle down and put that before everything else in life right now so that you do not blame any of your future failures on your adderall recovery.

I dunno what it is about doing important things, but (for me) it seemed like the more it mattered the harder it was to get it done. I live on a ranch and for the last two summers I have not been able to find the motivation fo repair my fences of cut firewood - both of those had consequences for not getting them done. But I was a sloth, recovering from adderall addiction, and in many ways I am still slothful. I am feeling more ambitious this summer but still have not gotten the important shit done...yet.

I suggest you make a plan, create a sizable reward for yourself, and get your school shit done so you can move on with your life. Is your school stuff something you can finish on your own time frame or do you have to repeat the whole 12th grade? Congrats again for staying quit for six months after your well-planned Quit.

[blesbro]

Quitonce,

I completely agree that the more important something is, the harder it is to get done. I also agree that each quarter of the first year (up to now) has been much better than the last. Every month I feel more level headed and able to focus. I am at the point where I am very capable of getting my school stuff done, I just have to buckle down and do it. You are absolutely right that I let adderall recovery get in the way of my plan before I quit, however, I knew that this would not be easy and I guess I am not surprised by how everything has played out. In a way, I feel grateful that I have been able to quit period after reading many relapse stories. I am glad that I can wake up every morning without thinking about adderall. There was a point when the first thing I thought about when i woke up every single morning is, "where's my adderall, I need it to start my day". It's nice to be able to feel awake and focused without any drugs. It's really weird because I can work 8 hour days doing physical labor pretty easily but when it comes to anything mentally demanding, it's really difficult. I am taking online courses which I can finish at my own pace this summer, but that's what makes it hard because I have no obligations to work on it daily or even at all for that matter. Anyways, I really appreciate the response and I am going to make a plan to get my stuff done. When I do even one assignment, I always feel much better and happier, yet somehow that is hardly enough motivation to get my shit done.

Blesbro