The Legatus Posted January 23, 2013 Report Share Posted January 23, 2013 [Forgive my horrible grammar] Roughly 3-4 months ago a buddy offered me adderrall to help me study & focus in an exceedingly difficult class. I will regret the choice of accepting that pill and beginning down this road for the rest of my life. At first like you said you feel like Superman, capable of anything! The feeling it gave me was amazing and it made me burn with passion and love for everyone around me. Now I feel like an hollow shell, and the once in shape, passionate man I am has long since been replaced by an abusive disgusting piss poor excuse of an human being. I am not ok with that. I refuse to be this and will conquer this addiction will recover and become who I am supposed to be. Your probably wondering what lead you here, what opened your eyes. Tonight as I tossed and turned restlessly and all my worries and problems of today ate away at me I stopped and remembered a friend of mine whose a pastor told me next time I am faced with so many worries and problems to turn to God. So I did I closed my eyes and begun to pray and I asked him to give me guidance. Recently I have been developing an extremely fast pulse rate averaging 110-120bpm. Which I believed to be caused by adderall and I wanted to see if it was possible and it is. Which lead me eventually too look up How to quit Adderrall and this showed up and my body instantly had chills run through it as if god wanted me to know I was heading down the right path. I then read your post about how to quit and the comments made by other individuals Erin, Chris, and Mikes struck me the most. I felt like I had just realized the truth sitting in front of me adderall is ruining ruining my life. I then looked at another post and realized I am a stage 6-7 adderall user. I take 50-60mg a day. No more. No longer. Today my life begins and although what I'm saying jumps all over I feel free like a immense weight removed from my shoulders by posting this. God bless whoever made this site, you have positively impacted so many lives and inevitably opened so many eyes. Tears of joy and gratitude are flowing down my face from finding this. And now my real journey begins bear with me my brothers and sisters for truthfully we are in this together. -The Legatus 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sky Posted January 23, 2013 Report Share Posted January 23, 2013 welcome to the forum brother. you are in a good place here. we understand your trials and tribulations, we've been in similar states, we can help you. quitting adderall is an excellent decision. I sound like a pastor or something. welcome to the forum. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather67 Posted January 23, 2013 Report Share Posted January 23, 2013 The pastor sky.....hahaha. lets try to keep our speaking in tongues and ummm yeah,the snakes on the d.l.....don't wanna scare the new recruits!!! LOL. IM KIDDIN.....Welcome dude...really. you've expressed the overwhelming sense of wheeeew..thank God, other people exactly like me!!!!! That I think we've all felt upon discovery of this site....its not the easiest road but it is the best one by far. Most things just handed to you or obtained for free don't tend to mean much...I prefer the ones that I have to work a little for. I have s little over a month and I've had adderall closer to me than I'd like a couple times now during this leg of the journey ( people,places and things)... but thus far I've still prevailed in keeping the rational part of my brain in charge....because I'm an addict of adderall,I WILL NEVER TAKE AS PRESCRIBED OR EXCERCISE MODERATION OR USE RESPONSIBLY. I will never be cured when it comes to that....one pill will always lead to the same hell it always has. Next week or 10 Years from now...I've accepted that. Its my responsability to excercise all that I need to, to protect what I've obtained now...it can all fall apart anytime I choose for it to. So glad you finally feel some relief by finding us.....so glad you're here. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
quit-once Posted January 23, 2013 Report Share Posted January 23, 2013 The Legatus: Welcome to the quitting adderall forum. Everybody has a different story of how they used adderall, how long they used it, how much they took, the damage it did to their lives and the toll it took on their bodies and minds. Our reasons for quitting are all different and we all have different motivation for doing so. What we all do share in common are these three things: We all realized the need to quit adderall We all found our way to this website We have made quitting and staying quit the number one priority in our lives I know I am stating the obvious here, but just a couple of housekeeping questions for you, Legatus: Do you have any remaining pills left and if so get rid of them now if you are serious about quitting. Do you have a doctor of dealer who has supplied you with pills and if so sever those ties ASAP. Gook luck and your journey begins today. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Legatus Posted January 23, 2013 Author Report Share Posted January 23, 2013 I do have pills left. I will admit to you that i probably will not throw them. I get a strong sense of pride and feel like I build my self control when I knowing I have that option to fall back to whatever is troubling me yet look it in the eyes and say no. For me to beat something that is controlling me that is how I take control over it by not letting it control me. However, the moment I feel like I can't control myself I will flush every single last one of those pills. Thank you all for your support and encouraging words they were not said in vain. It feels amazing knowing that I do have support and people knowing exactly how I feel. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Krax Posted January 23, 2013 Report Share Posted January 23, 2013 A that moment it will probably be too late 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Legatus Posted January 23, 2013 Author Report Share Posted January 23, 2013 I'm sorry I respect your opinion and agree that by that time it may be to late. But as an individual I cannot be happy with myself unless I take the hard road to get through something. I've got too believe in myself that I can control this otherwise I will fall back too it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Legatus Posted January 23, 2013 Author Report Share Posted January 23, 2013 Today is going to be my 2nd day in a row off adderall. I chose not to go to my classes today in favor of letting myself rest and re cooperate. I've also realized this is really gonna be hard. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Krax Posted January 23, 2013 Report Share Posted January 23, 2013 Legatus obviously it is different for every person and I know there are others on this forum who apparently have stopped using for extended periods of time while still possessing. I can only speak for myself when I say that especially during the first couple weeks there is no way I would have been able to refrain from using had I had physical access to the drug. I wish you the best, and I hope you prove me wrong. Good luck. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ashley6 Posted January 23, 2013 Report Share Posted January 23, 2013 Congratulations on quitting and welcome to the site. One thing I do have to say is addiction isn't about control or power. I respect that you don't feel you're actually accomplishing anything if you don't flush the pills, but one thing I know is my addict brain doesn't have the rationale, self-control, or common sense that my sober brain has. I wouldn't keep the pills on hand, but some people on this site have done that. Just my two cents. Good luck and God bless. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather67 Posted January 23, 2013 Report Share Posted January 23, 2013 It is indeed going to be very hard. Probably the hardest thing ever for me....its internal struggle. My pain will be self chosen when it comes to adderall...there is no must take it scenario....I do not need it to live...just the opposite...to live,I need to be without it. It takes a tremendous amount of uncomfortablity to get to what's meant to be the real you...its often not the person you were before the drug....isn't that the person who would ultimately seek the adderall oblivion???? I don't wanna be her. Ones approach to the quit is personal...but there are stats in any given society...like we are here. ,,,and they are indeed against you with holding your poison. I do not judge at all,just as others on here do not either. Shooting strait from the hip you will get, support,experience,strength,and hope...and human stumbles and slubs and flaws too...we all got em,like a well loved sweater(awwww) but you have to have a hand in your own destiny ..as you are aware by seeking help in adjusting to life without adderall....but gray area can be your abyss ...when the time is right you can indeed prevail. But you need to shift into high gear son. It'll come. Promise. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
quit-once Posted January 23, 2013 Report Share Posted January 23, 2013 Everybody has their own way of quitting. That's why we are all here instead of in some structured rehab program. If "here" doesn't work then a more structured approach must be considered if one really does want to quit completely. I completely understand wanting to hold on to those pills. I held on to mine for about five months, but I made them completely unavailable and inaccessable without a lot of work to get to them. Others keep their pill bottle where they see it all the time every day. Whatever works for you is what matters the most. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Motivation_Follows_Action Posted January 23, 2013 Report Share Posted January 23, 2013 [Forgive my horrible grammar] the once in shape, passionate man I am has long since been replaced by an abusive disgusting piss poor excuse of an human being. I am not ok with that. You're not a poor excuse of a human being -- that's the depression and addiction talking to you. It took me a long time to be able to have the strength to look myself in the mirror with any sense of pride after quitting. I'm glad you are feeling strong about your resolve. Some of us here wrote down all the things we hated about adderall as part of our "breaking up" process with our addiction. I have mine in this forum, some have them in books. Maybe that would be a useful thing for you to do. I get it about not throwing away your pills. I didn't throw all mine away for the first few weeks, I somehow felt "stronger" knowing that although I was tempted, I was NOT going to let the temptation get the better of me. It worked for me, and I did eventually flush them - although I can tell you now if I had them sitting next to me 3 months on I probably would have gobbled them all up once I started to forget the horrible things adderall had done to me. Welcome to the forum. We know how you feel. You're in the icky part of the exhaustion, just ride the waves and come here and rant as often as you like. You'll get a warm reception as long as you continue to be strong with yourself! HANG IN THERE.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather67 Posted January 23, 2013 Report Share Posted January 23, 2013 ABSOLUTELY NOT A PISS POOR EXCUSE OF A HUMAN BEING. For behind a mistake, a fuck up or an addiction is a person with a story to tell. Reasons and common threads in ones own LIFE to explain the errors,people that care about you and love you, elementary school pictures of maybe a life less complicated. A history,smiles and tears , good times and bad. It makes us each who we are...shows us where we've been,time we've done and what we've survived. I've come a long way in accepting all of mine, even the most horrific and degrading. They are my reflections. The ones that hold adderall in them...and there are a shit ton of those...show me where I don't want to go anymore,they are traumatic,but instrumental in the recovery process at times...days are long often,and painfully boring at times...but I make it to another day again and again ...free of the death grip of adderall seeking. For it consumed me ...every minute...every day...there was no room for anything else. The simplicity of even boredom is something I'm slowly getting used to....it takes time adderall addicts don't know shit about even-keel...it's far end of the spectrum chaos. Life is better today...it comes with ebbs and tides like everything else in life I suppose ...the beginning is tough...go easy on mentally beating the fuck outta yourself! You get what you put in. Stay strong. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Greg Posted January 23, 2013 Report Share Posted January 23, 2013 Legatus, edit - if you want to be successful here, flush your pills (and cut off your supplier) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ashley6 Posted January 23, 2013 Report Share Posted January 23, 2013 Neversaynever, Well said. That reminds me of a quote I have on my phone as a reminder "it's ok to be happy with a calm life." It's easy to confuse the calm and boredom when quitting adderall. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Legatus Posted January 23, 2013 Author Report Share Posted January 23, 2013 Thank you everyone for the immense outpouring if support. I never expected anything like the warm welcome I am receiving. I know that it is my own stubborn pride that is causing me to keep the pills so that at the end of the month I can cast them into the toilet in victory knowing the first set of shackles on me are broken. Even though there is a long road ahead. Thank you for encouraging me to believe I am not a piss poor person. I plan to take a picture of myself today, and then once a week every week on my road to overcome my addiction. Just for my personal use so if I ever think of going back I can look at it and think is that what I want to become. To be honest this is the only place I can share my true feelings. I am going to school to be a firefighter/EMT and being strong is definitely what is expected from my profession. Now don't get me wrong we aren't all assholes but definitely won't hear alot of emotional talk. It's kinda like that saying in expendables 2. When the girl asks Sylvester Stallone why the team doesn't talk about death. He replies "Death is a dark place for us so we don't talk about it, but when we go dark we go pitch black." On adderall my anger can best be described as I become the hulk as in I emotionally lose control. I never have or will physically harm someone but I feel like I do more emotional harm to the people i care about then I ever could physical. Which leads me to telling you all another real big reason I'm using to me quit adderall. There is a very real chance my girlfriend is pregnant and if I were to lose her because of adderall and lose my child It would be cataclysmic for me. That is by far my biggest fear, something that scares me more then death itself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Legatus Posted January 23, 2013 Author Report Share Posted January 23, 2013 Sorry I just have so much to say and release it feels good. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather67 Posted January 23, 2013 Report Share Posted January 23, 2013 Sorry I just have so much to say and release it feels good. Do not apologize dude!!!! What you're doing is fuckin phenomenonal. I had a hard time getin a sentence together when I came off the shit not long ago..let alone the effort to type it all in via phone. So hi 5. Babies are indeed a precious commodity as are healthy relationships they will both thrive absent the noose of adderall around your neck. That'll choke the life out of it all...use all you can get in that arsenal to keep going. You'll surprise yourself daily. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Legatus Posted January 24, 2013 Author Report Share Posted January 24, 2013 Today is not a good day. My head feels like its in a juice squeezer and the knob keeps getting turned tighter. I also have lost my want to do anything. Just seems like to much effort I rather just pass out and sleep. I also feel bad because im unable to help my girlfriend with her issues right now because I feel so fried. Like my heads in a blender. Chocolate milk seems to be my only respite. That and sleep. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Motivation_Follows_Action Posted January 24, 2013 Report Share Posted January 24, 2013 Today is not a good day. My head feels like its in a juice squeezer and the knob keeps getting turned tighter. I also have lost my want to do anything. Just seems like to much effort I rather just pass out and sleep. I also feel bad because im unable to help my girlfriend with her issues right now because I feel so fried. Like my heads in a blender. Chocolate milk seems to be my only respite. That and sleep. That's ok. I know it sounds trite, but it's good you're feeling this way, because you are on the path to recovery. If sleeping is an option, then sleep. It's the only way your brain is going to begin to repair itself. You've been pretty cruel to it for a long time, jamming your frontal cortex full of dopamine, draining your adrenal system. If you were bleeding on the outside you'd stop and rest. Consider it the same kind of injury, but on the inside. You're hurting, you need time to heal. And it's nice you want to help your girlfriend... you probably remember like the rest of us that there may have been a time when empathy evaded you. But you will be helping her more if you get better. And I'm sure if you have been open with her about your struggles she will understand. Rest up. Stay strong. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather67 Posted January 24, 2013 Report Share Posted January 24, 2013 That's all part of the beginning ....some days are extreme. You can't help anyone else till u can help yourself...I was in the hardcore part of my quit (like day 4-5 )on Xmas. Eve and Xmas day...with a 3 year old. Everyone one was getting their holiday on...and Jesus Christ I could barely put one foot in front of the other and smile at the festivities...let alone all that hustle and bustle cool last minute shit I used to love. I got my son this bad ass construction site for Xmas....took me 4 freakin days to even grasp glancing at the endless instructions....I pushed myself...uncomfortable vs comfortable and got that shit done tho. I figure better to put a toy on hold s that his mother can kick adderall instead of his lifetime on hold because his mothers still chasing it. Those days felt soooo long but the time pace is picking up ...it does. You're on your way to being present in life...bear with the process dude. We all know. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ashley6 Posted January 24, 2013 Report Share Posted January 24, 2013 That's a pretty good analogy of how it feels when quitting. You MUST take care of yourself, sleep as much as you can, and do whatever it takes to get through the day without a pill. Don't feel guilty about what you can't do throughout the day for right now. You're recovering, just as you would if you had a physical illness. In all reality, do you really think you were truly "present" to help your girlfriend when using? Getting off adderall will increase your empathy and general awareness of people around you tenfold. Fight through it. It gets better! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Legatus Posted January 24, 2013 Author Report Share Posted January 24, 2013 I've experienced this kind of feeling before I used to go through a tin 1/2 of chew a day for 2 1/2 years. I managed to quit cold turkey so I know I can make it through this. Yesterday me and my girlfriend got in an argument and she told me that she. Actually had thought of committing suicide because of her constant inability to please me and make me happy. We both then broke down & cried together and I held her in my arms. And it actually felt like I was human and holding someone I love instead of an object. I broke down and told her everything about how I feel emotionally and physically and showed her this. Sometimes I feel like when i was on adderrall there is raw strands of emotion coming out of my head labeled anger, happiness sadness love hate loneliness and at any moment one could be touched and set off an explosive chain reaction. I waslike a ticking time bomb waiting to go off. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Motivation_Follows_Action Posted January 24, 2013 Report Share Posted January 24, 2013 I think I mentioned this in another post, but I had a little bit of a similar experience to you, Legatus. I came home from a trip once to find my husband really distraught, upset, destitute. He said he felt I was a stranger to him, that this life with me was not one he'd signed up for. Adderall literally stripped away the ability for me to care about the person I love most in the world. You've made the right decision to chose love over adderall. In my experience, you can't have both at once. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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