Jonesin,BIG Time!!!

[Heather67]

Sooooo,I never expected that I'd be all cured in a little over a month...and its never gonna be a cure anyway...its about effort. Its another Friday...ho-hummmmm,the last few days have been total do nothing days...nothing I'm the house,round the house,etc. Got a cold still,and doing shit outta the house,its like 5 degrees out,blahhh! But today I am dying for that whole.."ITS ON MOTHER FUCKER,ITS THE WEEKEND, LETS DO THIS...CRANK TUNES AND YEAH.....GET HIGH!!!" THERE,I SAID IT!!! I desperately and longing for an extreme sensation..the kind not induced by anything human. I will lay out some triggers tho....when my husband went to prison...heroin obviously left us financially devastated,and took both vehicles. I am grateful my 3 year old and I had my moms to move into....to get to a job,you need a car....and to buy a car,you need to make money at a job....see the chicken and egg scenario emerging? ?? I'd walk to a job even in 5 degree cold...but I'd have to walk my son to a daycare provider first,then to a job. Chances of all those things being in a close radius are like none....trying to ride it out till tax time to get some hoop Dee. But then the state will have to unsuspend my licsense...(due to having to pay child support to my ex husband....that's funny,cuz if I had a job it'd be paid douches ) so it's all a catch 22 that can be handled in time....but my kid and I are together 24/7!!!!!!! And have been since July ....love him,but its extreme for us both. I have no identity but...MOMMY!!!!! by the time 5 gets here everyday...I think I'm gonna snap!!! But I get up to do it all over again. I have no access to addies thank God!!!!! Even of I got a script...it's a piece of paper that a pharmacy won't touch with my name on it....good thing I didn't keep any of the orange wonders....I may be all over that shit today. This "drive" is killing me...couldn't handle it covertly but what "on up and up" solution is there???? Well...guess that's the general gist of it...addict brain all up in my shit today!!!,

[ashley6]

Can you get to a meeting today? It sounds like you need it. When you got clean last time, how did you stay the course? Use those tools. Hang in there, woman.

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

Thanks for posting. Hang in there. I know it seems impossible, the description of the catch 22 (no job means no car, no car means no work, no work means no money to buy a car) is pretty accurate.

You do have access to a computer and internet though right? Is there anything you can do maybe to work online from home? Sure there are lots of scams out there but maybe doing online surveys and consumer research or something could help?

http://usatoday30.usatoday.com/tech/columnist/kimkomando/2010-03-12-work-from-home_N.htm

I'm not much of a help I know, but anything that will take you away from the cycle of negative thinking and drawing you back towards addiction.

[Heather67]

MFA....you are a tremendous help!!! I never thought of that honestly ..and you gimme a link...who's the shit girl!!!!! Ashley. ...I am gonna get to one tonite...I know it shifts the most fucked up thoughts to a bit more positive. Just strait stir crazy and bored off my ass!!!!! I feel like I'm just kinda riding the tide right now....can't do much. Ya know. And big procrastinating on the what I could find to do front,yeah,eat that frog. ...I know! Its life on life's terms...hows about a new contract life????!!!! Lol!!! The fuck up in me says "you can only get that rush partying with drugs...hell not e even the drug you favor ...just something" I know that side of me well enough to usually not let it take over. Its like "stop talking shit in my head already you crazy bitch!!!!!" I could make and inhale a batch of cookies to my head"!! LOL! I also don't love when I text a friend or two that im feeling like this....and I have yet to get a reply!!! I know. People have lives!!!! Grrrrr!!! Ill just keep posting and reading and getting by an hour at a time if need be. Thank God getting red flagged on days like these,the concrete sure as hell has not set yet.

[Greg]

Heather u are really just doing an incredible job coming off 400mgs a day. Keep it up!!!

[lea]

I have no identity but...MOMMY!!!!! by the time 5 gets here everyday...I think I'm gonna snap!!! But I get up to do it all over again ...addict brain all up in my shit today!!!,

You have a wonderful identity on here and you've a tremendous help to me!

I'm thinking that staying clean is like being a mom - there are so many challenges and frustrations that are with you 24/7 and there are also amazing rewards. It's easy for us addicts to get bogged down with the negatives because we used to have the illusion of instant gratification - which only makes things worse. I think going to a meeting will help because it will get you out of your head -- if you know what I mean. And I like the idea of working from home - it's awesome thinking out of the box. So again I say -- you go girl! You rock and you're worth it!

[BeHereNow]

Heather that sounds soo rough and I'm sorry to hear you're going through all that! An hour at a time sounds about right..... I can't imagine what coming off 400 mgs/day is like but you are doing a great thing. I don't know if iit's any help to you today...but like you told me yesterday, are there any small pleasures that might help right now? You said you want to make and eat a batch of cookies....... LOL why not just go for it?! Whatever you need to do, besides adderall of course, to get through today. Watch a movie? Go for a little walk? Sometimes, when I'm going stir crazy or having a PAWs day or just need to change my head space, I like to go for a little walk around the neighborhood. Just to leave the house for a few; even if it's cold out, bundle up. I usually feel better afterwards, a slight change. It's easy to go stir crazy sitting around the house without adderall......when adderall used to make it so enjoyable. I know I'm just telling you things you already know, but sometimes, when I'm caught in a head space like that, I need to be reminded of what I already know if I want to work myself out of it. Hope you feel better, you'll get through this. Stay strong!

[ashley6]

Heather,

Today is must be in the air, because I'm having a bad day too. I'm thinking to myself, you have 9 1/2 fucking months....pull yourself together. I had lunch with a good friend who I had remind me what a mess I was on adderall. I asked him to bring up particular situations, so I know my life is better now. He started rattling them off, and I'm like wtf, this life is so much better. I'm not trying to change the subject to me, just know you're not alone.

[Heather67]

OMG .. .I love you guys!!! I did make the oatmeal cherry bars ....deeeelicious!!!! I put another depressing post upa few minutes ago about this case of the "wahhhh-wahhhhhs'.. LOL. I know I gotta push myself when I don't want to....oppose the addict thinking...if it says yes, you know to do no...if it says yes....then do no!!! It builds stamina for the struggle. As do days like today....a lot worse could be happening in life, something like an illness or worse,a disaster and I have to know how to get through everyone of em without a stimulant or any drug. Period. This is kinda like boot camp....training for the big one,if God forbid it should present itself. And all those reminders from all of my cool friends on here, just solidify the basics. I'm feeling a little tiny bit more motivated just having read your posts,things don't seem so lonely right now ...I feel some relief knowing my experiences have done for you what yours for for me....it took the vast majority of my life to feel comfortable with my own voice,my opinions, my outlook on my own life ...I'm so genuinely happy to found a place where that voice.can be heard and sometimes even make a difference in someone else's day. Love you guys!!!