My Story, Continued-- Reflections after 30 Days

[BeHereNow]

Dear Adderall,

I thought it was tomorrow, but it’s today. It’s officially been 30 days.

I didn’t know at the time that that day would be our final day together; I hadn’t planned to quit at this time. I knew I didn’t want you around forever; my plan was to continue with you for one more year. I thought I needed you to get through this very big year.

But….surprise! The universe removed you from my life. Good riddance, a$$hole!

It's not me, it's you!

Three and a half years ago, you sneaked back into my life after I had been quit and strong for 6 years. You sneaked back into my life right when I was starting graduate school. You offered to help me work harder, better, longer. Lies, all these are lies. Since the stakes and work load are so high, and I want nothing more than to be successful, I was probably an easy target. I thought I needed you in order to be successful.

You know, I am living out MY LIFE DREAM and I refuse to let you continue ruining that for me. In a recommendation letter that helped get me here, one of my mentors said that my work is central to my celebration of life. He was right. That’s why I’m here. My work is central to my identity and my celebration of life and my attempt to make it better. What a privilege. But it’s not much of a dream come true when you’re too numb to experience it.

Adderall, you robbed all the joy and love and fun and celebration of life from my work. You robbed my writing of all genuineness and feeling, all human emotion. Towards the end, I was so desensitized, so hollow, I was no longer chasing my work. I was just chasing you.

Chasing, chasing. Hollowing myself out into an empty shell of my true self. November and December were the darkest months of my life. I was in stage 7a/b of amphetamine addiction, the 7^th circle of hell. I was taking 60-80 mg/day. Probably even more than that on days when I lost count. I was living on water, soy lattes, and beer, because my esophagus stopped working. I was sedentary, I gained weight, I was deeply isolated, I felt hollow all the time. I was constantly stressed out, under pressure, trying to accomplish everything. I had no self confidence. I was a drugged up zombie. My girlfriend was in the process of leaving me (and looking back, who could blame her?) I cried myself to sleep every night. I was so severely depressed, I actually started hoping that the Mayan prophecy would come true on December 21.

I thought I was taking you to help me be successful. But what the hell kind of success is that life? It’s the opposite of success, and it’s no way to live. By robbing my soul from me, my work, and the world, you made me LESS successful. Far less successful. By socially isolating me and stifling my soul, keeping you around was ruining my career and my life, and the scary thing is that I didn’t even know it. For some twisted reason I still believed in you. You would always beckon, whispering these sweet lies I wanted to believe. You told me that as long as I took a bunch of addies I would be able to write, would be able to finish it up.

Adderall, you are a filthy liar.

You said you would help me be more successful. But you made me less successful.

You said you would help me be more confident, but you just made me doubt myself, my ideas and my work, constantly. Nothing was ever good enough. You made me less confident.

You said you would help me be more inspired, but you made me less inspired. You dulled me. You scared all my muses away, you confused me, you severed me from everything.

You offered to wake me up, but instead you put me into a zombie-like trance. I may be lazier right now, and I may be sleeping less, but I am far more AWAKE and ALIVE now than I ever was under your spell.

You offered to make me limitless, but then you threw me into a cage.

And the sickest part is that I made myself at home in the cage. The door was open but I chose to stay.

Recently, I found a list I made last September, of qualities I wanted to improve. The vision of who I wanted to be. I didn’t live up to anything on that list. Not one. Not even things like handing in my work on time.

But I also didn’t make the connection. Adderall, I didn’t realize until now that you were the one blocking me from becoming who I am and can be.

You were blocking my writing and my speaking. You were blocking my connection to the source of my work, my connections to other people and the world. And what was I capable of saying from that dehumanized space? Practically nothing, which is why I had such bad writer’s block.

I want to write and say human things, genuine things, meaningful things.

I used to wonder why I had stopped writing poetry, when I used to write poems almost every day, without even trying. In the past month, random lines of poetry have come to me. My muses are not afraid to be around me anymore.

Of course quitting is really tough. Some PAWS days, some good days. Lots of slacking off….LOTS. I really hope I don’t get into too much trouble during this time. I’m terrified of messing up, especially at the high stakes tables. Lately I’m getting by doing just the bare minimum. But a good friend told me that it is impossible for me to fail. And when I look around me, on the foundations I’ve already built and on the people in my life, I think she is right. Quitting adderall is not a pathway to failure, but to greater, deeper, meaningful success. And the ability to ENJOY success—to SEE success AS success, rather than viewing it as a failure (the glass was always half empty on adderall.)

I feel like I’ve been reborn. New year, new semester, new decade of life (I just turned 30.) New cycle of evolutionary growth.

I feel more energetic each week. I’m no longer holding myself to unattainable standards. I feel the full range of human emotions. Love, sadness, joy. Laughing, I’m finally laughing again. Seeing beauty, hearing, smelling, tasting, touching.

Adderall, you took me to such a dark place, I think I may have hit rock bottom back there, which means that even the worst PAWS day is far better than a single day with you.

My success depends on how my whole being flourishes, and I can’t flourish if my brain is in a cage. I know that once my brain recovers a little more, and with a bunch of practice, I’ll re-learn how to work just as hard, only differently, with my whole self UNCAGED! From the genuine love and inspiration that drive me in this world. How could the quality not go uphill?

[BeHereNow]

Next time I have a PAWS day, or if I am ever offered adderall or tempted to relapse, I am re-reading this.

[BeHereNow]

Wow! I'm so happy I wrote this, I knew I would need it! Sitting in the library with willpower eroding in a massive landslide of I DON'T WANNA and DAMN why didn't I conserve more of those pills (oh that's right, because I was incapable of it), drinking hella coffee and thinking thoughts like, "coffee? what is this, the third grade?" LOL It's just a really long grey day and I haven't gotten ANY work done. My will to succeed has just been revived a little.....just a little.

But seriously people, all the journaling and posting and lists are NOT for nothing!! Write it all down! It comes and goes!

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

You're so right, and so real. Keep it comin' sista. Better out than in, as they say.

[Cat]

Occasional is right. Writing it down is so important!

What you wrote here is so, so true. Totally resonates with my experience.

"I thought I was taking you to help me be successful. But what the hell kind of success is that life? It’s the opposite of success, and it’s no way to live. By robbing my soul from me, my work, and the world, you made me LESS successful. Far less successful. By socially isolating me and stifling my soul, keeping you around was ruining my career and my life, and the scary thing is that I didn’t even know it. For some twisted reason I still believed in you. You would always beckon, whispering these sweet lies I wanted to believe. You told me that as long as I took a bunch of addies I would be able to write, would be able to finish it up."

[Jon]

Wow! How powerful! You have told your story well Occasional01.Thank you fro giving me hope at my 30 day mark. I am so pleased that you are still around here on QuittingAdderall. In the 2 months I have been viewing the site, I have seen that there are only a select few who really make it. My plan is to be one of the success stories. I need to write a goodbye letter to Adderall too.Thank you again for your presense, support and inspiration.

[BeHereNow]

Congrats on 30 days Jon!!!  And many thanks for your kind words!!  Writing this goodbye letter was really important to me, and I kept re-visiting it to remember why I was going through this quitting hell.  I'd recommend it.  It was pretty powerful experience to write it all out and tell adderall to fuck off!  Ha!  

 

I can tell that you WILL be a success story.  It's true that a lot of people relapse and disappear from here.  Staying on this site and posting often is a huge part of why I'm still quit today, almost 7 months strong.   Keep it up, it's totally worth it.