Haven't Been Healthy At all

[Searchingsoul9]

So i guess today is day 7 adderall free. But the past like 2 weeks i have been smoking weed, binging, purging, sleeping. Repeat. So i feel like a fat, lazy shit head.

I am willing to take ANY advice. Because this is how i was prior to adderall, just not as bad with the bulimia. I was smoking weed daily, being lazy and having no motivation.

I have decided that i NEED to quit smoking weed if i ever want to be 'happy'

I have always had terrible anxiety, but on the adderall i had no anxiety whatsoever besides some cracked out type of paranoia at the end of the day. But now i am anxious about everything again.

I missed my second week of classes being sick with the flu and i go back tomorrow.

I have no reason to be anxious, but i am SO anxious. I feel sick to my stomach.

I just want to be healthy and feel like i am capable of getting through life sober.

I feel like a giant failure. I know exercise will help, but i can't seem to get the nerve to get off my ass and do something.

[FALCON]

Hay baby girl day 7 without adderall is good but its jest the binging of your recovery .Your anxiety is probably caused by the absents of adderall in you system it is a common side effect for withdrawal .Next you have anxiety because you don’t know if you can continue your education with out adderall . Please don’t relapse you will be wasting 7 days of recovery time .Don’t blame your probables on weed yes maybe you are smoking to much weed and you probably need to cut down on the weed it is a good drug to control anxiety at night so you can sleep well use it like a municipal drug to calm your ass down don’t yous the weed to get high with . I all so think you still need some professional help with your ED issues and your soulsal issues . This web site is a great place for support and for self help we can only confert you in your pain Baby like I said to you before please try to find the right kind of therapist for your condition I am very concerned about your physical health your body will start to deteriorate from the ED you must get it under control. You where all gun ho a few weeks ago and I was happy for you it seems like your crashing now mentally and physically please seek out some professional doctors and a therapist you so desperately need you are a young girl and with the right kind of help you will get a handle on your problem I want to give you a big hug and tell you you will be OK .

FALCON

[lea]

Oh sweetie I'm so sorry you are feeling so bad... Quitting adderall is a gigantic achievement! I'm thinking it's normal for ED symptoms to get worse in the first week after quitting, and maybe the second as well. Try to focus on one thing @ a time, baby steps, like today if you overeat you will return to healthy eating immediately and not wait untill the next day... Or just for this one binge you will not purge. So much easier said than done because I know that bullimia is an addiction. I just don't want it to take you back to stinkin' adderall thinkin' (I wonder if not acting on ED symptoms can also become addictive...)

I do believe that these symptoms will subside so try and notice when they do e.g. Holy shit I just got thru my last food without bingeing - or better yet without purging! Hang in there -- it will get better.

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

Anxiety is a horrible, pervasive and debilitating thing if you have it on a continual basis. Dealing with it is so exhausting, especially if you're in recovery from adderall addiction too and probably a bit depressed. Try to see if you can do yourself a favor by not complicating things in your life though; seems like your disordered eating and weed consumption are making it worse.... bit of a downward spiral, if you like.

You's stuck with the quitting adderall for a while now and that should be a great relief, now you can focus on getting better. I hope you can be gentle with yourself....

[Searchingsoul9]

Oh sweetie I'm so sorry you are feeling so bad... Quitting adderall is a gigantic achievement! I'm thinking it's normal for ED symptoms to get worse in the first week after quitting, and maybe the second as well. Try to focus on one thing @ a time, baby steps, like today if you overeat you will return to healthy eating immediately and not wait untill the next day... Or just for this one binge you will not purge. So much easier said than done because I know that bullimia is an addiction. I just don't want it to take you back to stinkin' adderall thinkin' (I wonder if not acting on ED symptoms can also become addictive...)

I do believe that these symptoms will subside so try and notice when they do e.g. Holy shit I just got thru my last food without bingeing - or better yet without purging! Hang in there -- it will get better.

Thank you so much<3 Today has been okay food-wise. Just ate soup, chicken, and some fruit. Haven't smoked weed. So feeling 'okay; but certainly nothing more than okay

xoxo

[Searchingsoul9]

Anxiety is a horrible, pervasive and debilitating thing if you have it on a continual basis. Dealing with it is so exhausting, especially if you're in recovery from adderall addiction too and probably a bit depressed. Try to see if you can do yourself a favor by not complicating things in your life though; seems like your disordered eating and weed consumption are making it worse.... bit of a downward spiral, if you like.

You's stuck with the quitting adderall for a while now and that should be a great relief, now you can focus on getting better. I hope you can be gentle with yourself....

I am trying to focus just on quitting adderall, but it's like a shitshow of emotions. All i can think about is my weight/anxiety. It's so lame. There have yet to be any ups in my recovery process, just downs. I didn't even get the same mini rush from exercising that i did a month ago. It's weird. But i am trying to stay positive/hopeful

[lea]

Today has been okay food-wise. Just ate soup, chicken, and some fruit. Haven't smoked weed. So feeling 'okay; but certainly nothing more than okay

But think about how good you will feel when you wake up tomorrow morning!

[ldmcniel]

I had lost 80 lbs BEFORE starting Adderall. The 2 years I was on it, did not lose any weight. I am not sure If it was the sugar cravings that I would have during my crash or just the fact that I made my metabolism go haywire from the abnormal amount of dopamine I was making my brain create. It also made exercise hard since I felt like I would have a heart attack. I am not sure what point I am trying to make ( lost my train of thought in the middle of typing this) you can do this tho!! We all can! We just need to keep helping each other! ( Does that make any sense?)

[olivia115]

I am trying to focus just on quitting adderall, but it's like a shitshow of emotions. All i can think about is my weight/anxiety. It's so lame. There have yet to be any ups in my recovery process, just downs.

First off, there is one up. You took the steps to be healthy. You cant become healthy overnight so youre in the right spot moving forward. Youve taken the first steps, thats a plus for sure! They are sometimes the hardest to take, so think of it as a good thing those are behind you and you wont have to feel this low again. Second, I can relate on the weight issue. It does cause a lot of anxiety for me as well. It's really hard re-learning how to eat normally after using adderall. Its also really hard to physically eat all the right things everyday, but we can do it. we're all gonna have to work harder for those naturally fit bodies we want, but won't it feel so good to get to that day knowing we did it on our own? i get impatient for that day, but i have to remind myself that its not going to happen overnight like i wish it would!

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

I had lost 80 lbs BEFORE starting Adderall. The 2 years I was on it, did not lose any weight. I am not sure If it was the sugar cravings that I would have during my crash or just the fact that I made my metabolism go haywire from the abnormal amount of dopamine I was making my brain create. It also made exercise hard since I felt like I would have a heart attack. I am not sure what point I am trying to make ( lost my train of thought in the middle of typing this) you can do this tho!! We all can! We just need to keep helping each other! ( Does that make any sense?)

Hi, a few thoughts:

Losing 80lbs is an amazing accomplishment. I hope you're not expecting that you will be doing anything quite as tough as that while you are recovering from adderall. Like Mike says on this site, focusing on just NOT TAKING ADDERALL is quite an accomplishment itself.

I lost any semblance of any exercise regimen on adderall, for the reasons you mention. Just wasn't interested in it, didn't feel like I needed to do it so long as the scales were agreeing with my insane sense of what was a "healthy" weight (actually significantly underweight but whatever). And my heart would race too, and I had no strength, and get awful headaches working out. So I gave up.

My first few weeks in recovery I didn't do much else but eat and sleep. And try to figure out what day of the week it was. And try to forgive myself for having ruined my own life (I was so horribly depressed, I never want to relive days like that). I remember the first week I ordered burgers and fries and donuts all the time, and then napped, and then ate some more and napped. I don't even know that I was hungry, but eating was the only thing that made me feel better.

Now that I think back on it, my eating really was the ONLY thing that helped me during my most depressed times (and cuddles on the couch, and naps). Yes, food was a comfort. But that's ok. It was a season. Only now am I starting to get any kind of consistent motivation towards eating right and exercising. Albeit with MUCH lower standards than I have ranted about before on this site. I'm doing the couch to 5K running program and goal is just not to binge. Forget the scales.

I wish I could have just absorbed everyone's advice a little better during my first couple of months. Everyone said, it'll get better, but I wanted it to be perfect right away. I wish I could have taken a cross-section of my brain and seen how little of it was working properly during the early recovery weeks so I could have been a bit more forgiving.

My whole point is, please just forgive yourself for your thoughts, feelings and actions these next few weeks. You are so depressed right now, and I'm sure nothing makes sense. But it will, in time, you just need to heal.

That's what we're here for...

[Searchingsoul9]

First off, there is one up. You took the steps to be healthy. You cant become healthy overnight so youre in the right spot moving forward. Youve taken the first steps, thats a plus for sure! They are sometimes the hardest to take, so think of it as a good thing those are behind you and you wont have to feel this low again. Second, I can relate on the weight issue. It does cause a lot of anxiety for me as well. It's really hard re-learning how to eat normally after using adderall. Its also really hard to physically eat all the right things everyday, but we can do it. we're all gonna have to work harder for those naturally fit bodies we want, but won't it feel so good to get to that day knowing we did it on our own? i get impatient for that day, but i have to remind myself that its not going to happen overnight like i wish it would!

Yes, very good point! Like most Americans, i look for the quick fix when it comes to weight loss! Always have. But the times i actually worked out daily, and ate normal amounts of healthy food...i felt and looked my best. Even when i was on adderall and eating like 500 cals a day, i was skinny, but not toned at all.

Thanks for the motivational lift, xo

[Searchingsoul9]

Hi, a few thoughts:

Losing 80lbs is an amazing accomplishment. I hope you're not expecting that you will be doing anything quite as tough as that while you are recovering from adderall. Like Mike says on this site, focusing on just NOT TAKING ADDERALL is quite an accomplishment itself.

I lost any semblance of any exercise regimen on adderall, for the reasons you mention. Just wasn't interested in it, didn't feel like I needed to do it so long as the scales were agreeing with my insane sense of what was a "healthy" weight (actually significantly underweight but whatever). And my heart would race too, and I had no strength, and get awful headaches working out. So I gave up.

My first few weeks in recovery I didn't do much else but eat and sleep. And try to figure out what day of the week it was. And try to forgive myself for having ruined my own life (I was so horribly depressed, I never want to relive days like that). I remember the first week I ordered burgers and fries and donuts all the time, and then napped, and then ate some more and napped. I don't even know that I was hungry, but eating was the only thing that made me feel better.

Now that I think back on it, my eating really was the ONLY thing that helped me during my most depressed times (and cuddles on the couch, and naps). Yes, food was a comfort. But that's ok. It was a season. Only now am I starting to get any kind of consistent motivation towards eating right and exercising. Albeit with MUCH lower standards than I have ranted about before on this site. I'm doing the couch to 5K running program and goal is just not to binge. Forget the scales.

I wish I could have just absorbed everyone's advice a little better during my first couple of months. Everyone said, it'll get better, but I wanted it to be perfect right away. I wish I could have taken a cross-section of my brain and seen how little of it was working properly during the early recovery weeks so I could have been a bit more forgiving.

My whole point is, please just forgive yourself for your thoughts, feelings and actions these next few weeks. You are so depressed right now, and I'm sure nothing makes sense. But it will, in time, you just need to heal.

That's what we're here for...

Thank you thank you thank you!

Today has been a pretty good day. I find that i get VERY depressed and want to return to the adderall when i am home with nothing to do, eating, sleeping. Today i was up at 5am, out at 6, in class until 4pm, then about until almost 7 pm and i feel pretty good. Going on the treadmill now.

xox

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

Even when i was on adderall and eating like 500 cals a day, i was skinny, but not toned at all.

I think you'd find a lot of people who would agree that this was their experience too. Add to that the pallid complexion, bloodshot weepy eyes, weird grinding jaw and shoulders in permanent disfigurement due to stress, oh what an ugly picture an adderall addict actually makes. We think we look sexy and sultry - we probably look anorexic and permanently miserable.

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

Thank you thank you thank you!

Today has been a pretty good day. I find that i get VERY depressed and want to return to the adderall when i am home with nothing to do, eating, sleeping. Today i was up at 5am, out at 6, in class until 4pm, then about until almost 7 pm and i feel pretty good. Going on the treadmill now.

xox

That's great! And really motivational to me as well. And good on you for going to the gym!

[Searchingsoul9]

I think you'd find a lot of people who would agree that this was their experience too. Add to that the pallid complexion, bloodshot weepy eyes, weird grinding jaw and shoulders in permanent disfigurement due to stress, oh what an ugly picture an adderall addict actually makes. We think we look sexy and sultry - we probably look anorexic and permanently miserable.

SERIOUSLY. Wait! Is that why i had this permanent slouch?! Like i am talking caveman-like posture (okay not that bad) But i have never had good posture, i've always had a mild slouch, but a lot of people would be like 'Jesus, stand up straight! You're all hunched over' I didn't even realize it. It was 100X worse when i sat down. And the jaw grinding started to fade eventually, but i clenched my jaw super tight and stayed with that facial expression all day everyday.

[Searchingsoul9]

That's great! And really motivational to me as well. And good on you for going to the gym!

The forces are working against me tonight!!!!!!!!! My goddamn treadmill is broken. And it's freezing and pitch black outside, sooo no go on the cardio :-/

[lea]

I lost any semblance of any exercise regimen on adderall, for the reasons you mention. Just wasn't interested in it, didn't feel like I needed to do it so long as the scales were agreeing with my insane sense of what was a "healthy" weight (actually significantly underweight but whatever). And my heart would race too, and I had no strength, and get awful headaches working out. So I gave up.

This was my experience too -- ritalin-thin, weak and unhealthy. I was more tone when I was heavier! It's now been a month (OMG as I write this I realize I took my last pills right around this time - 8pm - 4 weeks ago) I've gained 5 lbs which quite frankly, I'm surprised I didn't gain more. I must admit I'm getting really fed up with binge eating. Today I made myself lightheaded by eating too much sugar too early in the day... maybe that's the universe's way of saying 'put a muzzle on it.'

[Searchingsoul9]

This was my experience too -- ritalin-thin, weak and unhealthy. I was more tone when I was heavier! It's now been a month (OMG as I write this I realize I took my last pills right around this time - 8pm - 4 weeks ago) I've gained 5 lbs which quite frankly, I'm surprised I didn't gain more. I must admit I'm getting really fed up with binge eating. Today I made myself lightheaded by eating too much sugar too early in the day... maybe that's the universe's way of saying 'put a muzzle on it.'

Your metabolism must be pretty darn good if you have been binge eating and only gained 5lbs in a month!!!!!!!!!! Id gain 5 lbs in 2 weeks from binge eating!

CONGRATS on one month, that's fantastic!

[lea]

Thanks - I don't know what it is with my metabolism but trust me, I can't afford to gain anymore. I try to exercise which at this point is just walking around the city... but that's a hell of a lot more than I ever did on amphetamines. Your eating and weight will normalize. Give yourself a month and see where you're at.

[Searchingsoul9]

Thanks - I don't know what it is with my metabolism but trust me, I can't afford to gain anymore. I try to exercise which at this point is just walking around the city... but that's a hell of a lot more than I ever did on amphetamines. Your eating and weight will normalize. Give yourself a month and see where you're at.

Since stopping the weed (been 2 days) i have't binged or had any desire to. I've just eaten breakfast, lunch, and dinner with moderate exercise, and i feel great. Well, not GREAT, but good. haha

[sky]

good job!!

you know there's a ton of exercise videos and stuff on youtube. you can always exercise to stuff like that until the treadmill get's working again. no need to let that stop you from getting your heart rate up.

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

Lea congrats on one month without adderall!

[Searchingsoul9]

good job!!

you know there's a ton of exercise videos and stuff on youtube. you can always exercise to stuff like that until the treadmill get's working again. no need to let that stop you from getting your heart rate up.

Good point I have been doing this one ab workout on youtube and it's great, already see my stomach getting toned, it's crazy

[Leila]

Hey I just wanted to say great job quitting adderall, and I hope the eating disorder stuff is letting up a bit. I had an eating disorder from about age 15-25. I really feel like adderall kinda masks it, because I'm not really hungry so I don't have to think about it.

Do you have a counselor or someone to talk to about the eating disorder stuff now that you're off adderall? That might help. I know my eating disorder thoughts are gonna come back once I stop addy.

Good luck to you!

[Searchingsoul9]

Hey I just wanted to say great job quitting adderall, and I hope the eating disorder stuff is letting up a bit. I had an eating disorder from about age 15-25. I really feel like adderall kinda masks it, because I'm not really hungry so I don't have to think about it.

Do you have a counselor or someone to talk to about the eating disorder stuff now that you're off adderall? That might help. I know my eating disorder thoughts are gonna come back once I stop addy.

Good luck to you!

Yes, EXACT reason i got on adderall.

And it was a temporary band aid to my ED issues. But now that i am 11 days clean, no more masking my issues.

I just started seeing a new couselor. She is wonderful, but i have only had one session, so i have no new coping skills yet.

When do you plan to stop?