[Quit addy but still drinking 2 much? Why am I so hyper and restless?]

I’m such a fn spaz.  Was on Ritalin and addy for yearrrsss.  Detox on my own was a nightmare and quite frankly, would not wish it upon my worst enemy.  I’ve been addy free for about 3 years, maybe more.  However, I do tend to gravitate towards alcohol here and there, like I go in spurts. I will binge drink for a month or two or three and then not drink for half a year.  I feel like I’m just hyper and fidgety so the alcohol helps me mellow the hell out.  Not sure what’s wrong with me. 

Keep in mind I was prescribed addy bc I lied about my ‘symptoms’ and was actively seeking it.  I may very well have add but for f*cks sake I need to calm down.  I was like this when I was little too-it’s just that my mind always has to be going and stimulated.  I hate weed and the smell of it but sometimes I feel like if I took a puff or had a candy I’d chill TF out.  I’m not anxious, don’t worry, don’t have anxiety, I just need to be ‘entertained’ and have my mind constantly stimulated.  I can never focus on one thing.  Wanna watch a tv show? Cool. I’ll watch but after a couple mins I’ll be on my phone playing candy crush or googling some crap. Can anyone relate to this? I’m so over this. Why can’t I just be calm and normal?? Wtf?

[One year anniversary of no adderall passed me by and I forgot all about it]

Yup, sept 22nd last year I took my last pill. I just realized yesterday it's been over a year.  I can't believe I'm on 'the other side' now.  For those who don't know, I tapered from 30mgs that I was taking for about 9 years. It was awful. I gained a lot of weight.  Was tired, miserable, depressed, you name it.

after 7/8 months off of it I decided to get the fk off my a$$ and stop feeling sorry for myself.  I was starting to feel suicidal.. at that point I made the commitment to join bootcamp and start eating healthy.  I looked into the mirror and didn't recognize the body that was attached to my head, almost 180lbs I was mortified.  3 months into bootcamp and I'm down to 155.  I still have a ways to reach my 'normal' weight of about 130, but the weight is coming off and the inches are coming off faster.  I'm building muscle and I don't feel exhausted anymore. I have honestly never felt happier or healthier. 

I hope anyone out there that's maybe at least around the six month quit time would maybe consider joining some type of a gym or crossfit. Get out there and push yourself. Honestly, the hardest part was walking through the doors the first day. I almost left the parking lot.. I'm glad I didn't. For anyone who doesn't have money for something like this, a lot of places offer free classes and Groupon ap has tons of classes for places for you to try.

it's easy to sit here and feel like crap and feel sorry for yourself, I know bc I did it for a long time. Give yourself time to 'heal' and detox.. but after a few months, mine was 7/8 months, get up, go out, and MOVE. Don't think about it. Just do it.

i PROMISE you, you will feel better. I honestly haven't thought of adderall for months.. I just don't care about it anymore.. there's hope out there guys, you just have to WANT it. Xo

 

[I finally made the decision to stop being fat and depressed and stop feeling sorry for myself]

How long have you been off addy for?

[Where is everyone from?]

Why is everything so expensive in Canada

[I finally made the decision to stop being fat and depressed and stop feeling sorry for myself]

Thanks guys. It definitely took a long time to get here. Honestly, the biggest motivator was seeing myself in the mirror or in a picture.  I don't recognize the person I become. For once since quitting adderall, I actually feel somewhat in control again. For once in ten years, I'm starting to feel 'normal'.  Also, I never use to drink coffee as I hated it (still do lol) but I drink two cups in the morning and it helps tremendously w my appetite and my energy levels. 

Quitting adderall was the hardest thing I ever had to do and literally the worst time in my life.  it's just time to force myself to move on to the next step...I can't keep living in this awful misery.. I just can't. 

[I finally made the decision to stop being fat and depressed and stop feeling sorry for myself]

A month ago I saw an ad pop up on my FB timeline for a bootcamp near my house.  It was only for woman, which is something I normally wouldn't of done.  I signed up for a free class. I went and got there early, sat in my car and thought about it.  I almost drove off.  How am I gonna work out 40lbs fatter than what my normal weight is?

thank god I didn't drive off and stayed. Granted, I probably could only do half of it it but not only did I stay but I signed up for two months.  It's only three times a week and at first, let me tell you, I couldn't walk the first three days lol. But now my legs are finally use to the pain and I go and do cardio at my complex gym on my days off from bootcamp.

since I quit addy in sept, I can tell you this- for the first time since then I'm starting to feel 'normal'. I still have my ups and downs and I'm tired but you guys-- getting off my ass and just making the first move has been amazing.  I feel better physically and mentally. I've been eating healthy as well and although it's only been a few weeks I can feel my jeans already feeling looser.  it motivates me to do more. 

and now, I actually look forward and enjoy bootcamp. it's so nice to be able to excercise without my damn heart beating out of my chest.  This sounds so lame but I feel like I'm beating adderall every time I'm working out and getting my anger out.  I feel accomplished kinda like I won the 'battle'. 

The hardest part in all of this? Was taking the first step and actually going to a class. No joke,  anyways, I know no one is gonna run to a bootcamp after reading this or anything lol but I just wanted to share.. never thought I would be writing something like this, that's for sure. 

In my early stages of recovery I would always read posts on here w people saying it will get better, it gets easier.  I would just roll my eyes and think yeah right no it's not. I would wish I could fast forward to be where they are.  I think I just learned that things aren't going to happen on their own.  You have to really fight for this.  it sure as hell isnt going to be easy, but I hope to god it's worth it.  

 

[Where is everyone from?]

On 7/9/2017 at 10:36 PM, Subtracterall said:

Houston, TX.  It's a polluted, materialistic, debt trap and someday I'm getting out of here.  

Feel like almost everywhere is materialistic, especially living in CA.  Makes me not like people even more lol

[Where is everyone from?]

Hey Lilly.  we are probably close to one another.  I just tried to message you but it won't let me write in the body of the message just the subject. Smh

how old r u? Are you just out here in the area for sober living or is this where you're from? I just moved out here recently.  And how the hell did you take 300mg without dying? Seriously? 

[Where is everyone from?]

Just wondering where everyone lives

Im in San Diego... wish I wasn't though

[I am afraid.]

On 6/19/2017 at 9:39 PM, Mer said:

I came across this website this week and it has truly been life-changing.  I have been so alone, watching something alter my mind and body and not being able to discuss my anxieties with anyone for fear of scaring them.

I started taking Adderall in August.  I'd taken it and loved it (loved it) before then, but I only took it from time to time.  I've had depression since I was eleven and was prescribed Adderall once before (not for depression, but I'd been prescribed anti-depressants also) when I was thirteen or fourteen, but I didn't trust pills and wouldn't take them.  I've been going through hell with my depression for the past few years and it got to a point where I knew it was beyond my control.  It took me a long time to decide I would try medication, just to get me off the ground and give me the motivation to help myself get better.  About ten months ago, I met with a psychiatrist and after the first appointment, I was diagnosed with ADHD and handed a prescription for Adderall 20mg XR.  I felt...a lot of things.  I had gone in expecting an anti-depressant and came out with what felt like a key to heaven.  I felt guilty and elated.  I felt validated.

I had identified a goal: fix myself.  And my Adderall-induced brain went to work.  I became obsessed with consciousness and psychology.  I was having constant epiphanies about life and the world and myself--and though my mind was in a limbo of euphoria and sadness, I really did discover so many things about myself and what I believe.  My journey with Adderall was a spiritual one.  I consumed podcasts and TedTalks like potato chips.  My interest in the world was superfocused and I was picking it apart like a puzzle.

But while my internal world was populating, my external world was falling apart.  I was in a relationship that was definitely emotionally abusive with a guy who is very critical and controlling, and my depression and the Adderall just kept me spinning around and around, looking for this "better self" that I was trying to achieve.  I couldn't sleep and I didn't eat.  I lost a ton of weight.  My skin looked like shit.  I had rings underneath my eyes that I couldn't hide with any amount of make up.  Prior to Adderall, though I needed time alone to rejuvenate and recalibrate, I had always had lots of great friends and was social.  I have alienated myself from most of my friends, offending them or acting crazy with my monstrous and wounded ego (and a boyfriend whom they all hated).  Adderall exaggerated other addictions, which I think is inevitably good because it made me recognize them for what they were.  I was using external substitutes as ways to control myself because I felt out of control from the inside.

I changed my prescription months ago to 10mg IR.  I am still not myself.  Not that I expected to be my full self.  I don't remember what that feels like anymore.

I am so fucking scared of returning to where I was before I began medication.  I am scared of being sedentary, and returning to hopelessness.  Adderall gave me the drive and focus that I have always desired and hated myself for lacking.  But now I am an empty shell, I don't trust myself to be myself, and I'm terrified of what I am doing to my mind and body.  My heart is constantly racing.  I often cannot take a full breath.  My veins look fucking terrifying and I can feel that my teeth and gums are just a little bit...different.  I can't communicate clearly, interrupting myself midsentence and speaking it parables.  I can't converse without philosophizing.  With a lowered dosage, my brain gets tired and I am often fighting with it for consciousness as it longs to drift off into a fantasy world of tangents.  I don't know what of my mind is mine and what is a drug anymore.  I want to regain myself, but I also don't want to lose myself.  I am so afraid that I will no longer be intelligent without medication, that the static will creep back into my mind and all of my thoughts will be erased.

I am moving back home in a month.  I wrote a letter to my mom, inspired by this website.

I just...learning is so important to me.  I don't want to lose my ability to do so.  I don't want to lose my luster for life.  But I am exhausted and hurt and lost.

I had goosebumps reading your post. Welcome to 'our' place.  I have to tell you, being off adderall since last sept after being on in for almost 10 years, this website and the people here have really helped me and kept me going. People here have hope and remind me things will get better, so just remember that.

i feel like I should be careful what I say because you obviously have a deep issue with depression and I've never experienced that (until just quitting adderall). Maybe it's me, but whynot talk to your dr about what you're feeling? Better yet, show him/her this post. MOST drs want to help and MOST have your best interest at heart. I am by no means a doctor but from just reading your post it seems that you need to find the right antidepressant and get off the adderall.  Drs are so quick to throw this stuff at their patients. I almost wanna say this stuff ruined the last ten years of my life but that seems so dramatic....  

That's good you wrote your mom a letter, I hope she can help you. you have a voice, use it.  you have to want to help yourself.  took me a long time to learn that, and not in the best way.

good luck and welcome to the board  xo

[Do you drink off Adderall?]

Being on adderall fueled my alcohol intake, sometimes to a seriously unhealthy level.  I have a drink now and then but boy, not like I did on adderall.  I probably shoulda been committed a time or two from the way I acted mixing those two. No joke.

youre better off without the booze.  Ugh

[Almost 9 months off adderall and still fat, lazy and depressed AF]

I'm at a loss you guys.  I literally feel lost and alone.  No energy, no desire to do anything. I just don't care anymore. if I didn't have a family that loved me so much, I'd probably just off myself at this point.

probably doesn't help I'm living in a state where I don't wanna live and with a husband I'm no longer in love with.

i literally just want to runaway. I wanna goto sleep for like a year and then maybe when I wake up I'll feel better :*( 

 

[Does adderall mess up your metabolism? Anyone know of a good diet pill to help?]

Omg you sound JUST like me. I refuse to buy any fat clothes and 30lbs here too!

im so beyond aggravated and frustrated and annoyed!! Ugh!!!!!! SMH

[Don't Know How Much Longer I Can Go Without This Stuff]

Glad you are feeling better! Exercising and eating healthy makes a huge difference. I understand why people roll their eyes when you say it but until you try it... then you're like sh!t, they were right!!  Haha

happy to hear you're doing well!!  

[Don't Know How Much Longer I Can Go Without This Stuff]

I know it's hard. I took my last adderall sept 21st not that I'm counting or anything lol I did taper after I failed cold turkey once. Tapering was hard but for me it was better than cold turkey because I didn't have that annoying fog brain thing.

youre still pretty early.. it takes time. I actually have a bottle of leftover pills that I can't seem to throw away but I can't make myself take one even on the days I so desperately want to. It sucks.

the thing that really keeps me from taking one is thinking about how far I've come even if it's not huge. I think about going backwards and starting all over and all that pain and misery reliving it.. it would be like I suffered through all that for nothing. Why go backwards? 

Keep looking and moving forward. I know it's hard, believe me. Sometimes I have good days sometimes I have bad.. starting to wonder if I'm bipolar Lol I notice though when I actuallly force myself out of the house and get outside, I'm in a better mood and don't feel so lazy and down. 

How long were u on for? How much?

[Hope you guys going through recovery can undertake this]

Idk if it will post me let this page, but for god dang this speaks to me. 

[Does adderall mess up your metabolism? Anyone know of a good diet pill to help?]

8 minutes ago, bluemoon said:

Hi Jen. I'm in the same boat. I gained about 40 lbs after quitting and haven't been able to lose more than around 10 lbs of that. I just can't stick to a diet and exercise plan for the life of me. I try and usually give up after about two weeks. I'm a failure in pretty much all areas of my life right now. I just feel like I have such a long way to go. Ugh. How much have you gained since quitting?

 

Ive gained 30. this blows 

[Eight Months!]

On 1/17/2017 at 10:32 AM, sadderall said:

congrats on your eight months mark! Exercising helps sooooo much. And eating healthy too. I've found that superfoods such as chia seeds and flax seeds help a lot with energy and clearing that mental fog. 

Omg your username lol   Kinda accurate though. Smh :/ 

[Holy Shit! 9 Months!]

Congrats to you! Good job!

[Does adderall mess up your metabolism? Anyone know of a good diet pill to help?]

Haven't tried that junk. Will check it out. And yes, I am older fml. 

Dont laugh at this but how the hell did lindsay Lohan stay skinny after rehab and quitting adderall?? Makes me wonder if she really quit. Smh

i seem to notice that when a lot of people leave rehab and quit a drug they get fat. Starting to wonder if it's due to metabolism or just eating a lot more or both. 

[Does adderall mess up your metabolism? Anyone know of a good diet pill to help?]

Ok I'm in the same exact boat. It's so damn frustrating. I've even done detoxes for a week where I would normally lose 8 lbs and I'm lucky if I lose half. I don't freaking get it. :/

[Does adderall mess up your metabolism? Anyone know of a good diet pill to help?]

Tired of this extra weight. has anyone tried anything that helps suppress their appetite and get the weight off?

im f*n annoyed and aggravated over here

Has anyone been to a nutritionist since quitting?

[7 weeks in, feeling sluggish still but looking younger?]

Yup, I've noticed the same thing. Been off since end of September. No more bags and my face looks fuller, although I think it's just bc I gained 20lbs lol but a lot of people really say I look so much better and healthier. congrats on your 7 weeks. it does get better even though at times you think it never will.  

[Intervention Show]

On 12/20/2016 at 5:02 PM, Frank B said:

Still get jealous of all those people in the intervention show that get flown out to some nice rehab facility to get all the help they need. Wish I would have had the funds or good insurance to do that when I first stopped. Funny thing is they agree to do a documentary on drug use but act totally shocked when they do the intervention. Have these people not seen basic cable? lol

I agree with you 200%!  Going through that taper was awful and I would of preferred to goto rehab, I actually even called some, but it was too expensive even with the insurance I had.  Where's Dr. Drew when you need him :/

[How's Everybody doing Physically?]

On 1/3/2017 at 0:53 PM, duffman said:

On this board there's a lot of discussion about the mental effects associated with quitting Adderall, and rightfully so. However, I want to know how everyone is doing physically which includes, but is not limited to, changes in: body fat, muscle mass, energy levels, energy consistency, sleep quantity, sleep quality, and exercise tolerance. At 10 months in, here's a rundown of what I'm experiencing with a rating next to it ranging from 1/10 to 10/10 (1 meaning terribly unsatisfied, 5 meaning moderately satisfied, 10 meaning absolutely satisfied). 

• Body Fat 4/10: To put it succinctly, this remains a problem. I have ~10-12 pounds of body fat that I cannot seem to shake off. I sometimes wonder if Adderall had a deleterious effect to my basal metabolic rate or something, because I seem to consume less than my TDEE (Total Daily Energy Expenditure) yet am not noticing much fat loss. I know this because I've tracked all calories I've consumed for the past 3 months, yet I haven't loss much weight and am not showing very much definition despite working out 6 days per week and cooking all my meals (aside from my cheat meal, which I'm thinking of eliminating.. sadly). To be fair, I do believe I lost SOME body fat from the 25 pounds I gained after quitting Adderall. 
• Muscle Mass 9/10: I'm very satisfied with this aspect of my life. I finally have been able to put on an appreciable amount of muscle mass. When on Adderall, I experienced a global "plateauing" effect to all my lifts, meaning I wasn't getting any stronger on anything. I felt like lifting weights would just cause muscle damage without the repair, and would result in a soreness that didn't result in any gains. Now I'm crushing my weight lifting goals (partially shameless brag incoming), I've been able to bench press 365 pounds and deadlift 495! That's way stronger than I've ever been in my life. Then again, I don't have very much definition due to the body fat, so it's difficult to tell I lift that much by just looking at me (I know this, because during Christmas break, all my girlfriend's relatives asked me if I still worked out -_-).
• Energy Levels 6/10: This has improved over the past few months and varies from day to day. I'm able to perform tasks and duties without resembling an aimless corpse. I do possess the necessary energy to exercise, make dinner, ..uhh we'll call it spend "active time" with my GF, and do my share of chores throughout my day. At some points throughout my day, I feel very close to 100% (something I haven't felt in years). However, that brings us to my next point..
• Energy Consistency 4/10: So not as good here. The reason why I divided my overall energy into "energy levels" and "energy consistency" was because I notice (sometimes drastic) fluctuations in my energy levels throughout the day and from day to day. Now, I do understand that fluctuations in energy levels occurs in otherwise "normal and healthy" people (people who haven't abused stimulants throughout the day), but these fluctuations in my energy levels still come off as extreme at times. I tend to crash at around 3-4 in the afternoon and wake back up at around 7-8pm. When I crash, I feel like my social capabilities take a nosedive, which is a problem because I still see patients for another few hours after my afternoon crash and they wanna talk. I'm sure I come off as aloof at this time, but if that's the price I have to pay to be able to function without popping pills, then c'est la vie. 
• Sleep Quantity 8/10: This has undergone a pretty drastic improvement from only a few months ago. I can now sleep anywhere from 5-9 hours. When I first quit Adderall (and for months that followed), I would sleep for 4 hours, wake up, roll around till my alarm went off. Falling asleep at a reasonable hour.. now that's a different story, but that has been a problem that has existed before Adderall, so I can't wholly blame Adderall for that. 
• Sleep Quality 6/10: Like energy, I decided to split sleep into two categories in order to be more specific. Though I'm able to sleep for longer periods of time, my quality of sleep isn't the greatest. Again, my sleeping habits before Adderall weren't great. However, I'm comparing to my ability to sleep prior to Adderall use rather than how I sleep compared to other people. I do have a tendency to wake up every 3-4 hours to roll over for a bit, but I can fall back asleep now. I'm doing everything I can to fix my sleep habits (all the usual shit you read about online), and I do feel my sleep is gradually improving, but definitely not where I want to be yet. 
• Exercise Tolerance 8/10: Another one of these aspects of my life where I'm very satisfied. I am able to workout for ~1-1.5 hours a day at ~5-6 days per week, which is exactly what I want to be doing. I didn't give myself a 10/10 in this category because my workouts aren't great if I go during a time when my energy levels are crashing. Now, I don't exactly "feel" like working out, but I'm not sure I ever have. I mean, very few people I know who go to the gym daily "feel" like working out everyday. But it's one of those habit things, and it gets more automatic and more routine the more you just go. 

Anyway, look forward to hearing how everyone else is doing. 

 

EDIT: For the record, you shouldn't feel compelled to type out something this elaborate, a simple rating out of 10 or a one-word response would suffice.

You ever think you're gaining more weight or that the more weight you have is actual muscle and not fat? I'm sure you know muscle weighs more than fat.  

Physically after 3.5 months of no adderall I'm ok. Lazy. gained too much weight which is why i mainly didn't wanna quit ha. Fml. started eating healthy again and working out this week and I do feel better.

feel like it's a long road ahead but at least I'm heading in the right direction smh