Hello everyone!
I am new here, but have been off of adderall for a little over a year now (hence the title lol). I've been creeping on this site for a while now, and wanted to share my story with people who understand, and also to thank you for encouraging me to stay on the road to recovery.
My story starts just like many of yours do. I had already been active in my eating disorder (which I have suffered from for many, many years), and I was in my third year of college. My roommate mentioned taking adderrall, and I had honestly never really heard of it before. The key thing she mentioned to me was something about "shrinking my stomach," and I was automatically game to try it. When I took it, I had confidence. Something I've never had before. My crazy, obsessive dream to be perfect seemed attainable using this drug. I focused in all of my classes and color-coded all of my notes. I was able to starve myself, workout, study, clean, and organize my room on this drug. I was hooked.
About a year and a half later, my dosage skyrocketed. My boyfriend of 2 and 1/2 years was cheating on me, and I decided to turn to adderall and my eating disorder. I looked at him cheating on me as a legal case (because he also did much more to me than I care to mention here) instead of an actual experience. The adderall aided in the obsessive need to look at the technical side of his cheating. I secretly knew I had a problem, but did NOT want to admit it so that I wouldn't have to stop taking it. There was no way I could ever get along without it. I had lost all of my friends, all of my weight, all of my feelings, and all of my life. I remember walking in circles around my room for two hours trying to find my cigarettes because I forgot where I had placed them. I was tired and irritated, and I just wanted this to be over. The only problem was I didn't know what to do if I stopped. I would have to deal with things and gain weight-- something that I have wanted to kill myself over in the past. So I kept taking it.
Then something happened. I felt my heart pulling me to something better. Something that could save me, and I eventually figured out what that pull in my heart was-- Jesus. I remember reading the sinner's prayer realizing what He had really done on the cross. I gave up the fight, FINALLY, and repented and accepted Him as my Saviour. He gave me the strength to stop adderall. And I did. I also quit starving, smoking, and drinking (June 6th will be a whole year sober of all ).
I still struggle. In fact, I'm struggling today. I've gained a lot of weight too. Since the pull of my eating disorder is the key part of my adderall addiction, I fight this hours and hours every single day. Sometimes I wonder if it's even worth it. But I have come too far. I made it this far, and I have to keep going. On a positive note-- I am able to wake up every day, get some exercise, eat healthy, and focus a little better in school. I never thought I could reach this point again. I even have a passion to be a registered dietician for those who struggle with eating disorders, and am going to school for it now!
Thank you for reading!! I know this was lengthy, but I have really been needing to share this with people. I haven't really done that yet. I hope you are all doing well!
-Casey
