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About Bryan2010

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  1. Ok soooo it's been a while I pop on every once and a great while when I need to remind myself of why I quit! I can literally feel like death after a binge pretty much a zoned out zombie or worse and that me never wants to thouch adderall again that me wants to feel better and be back to normal that me flushes the remaining pills down the toilet. The problem is the sober me fogets all about it the sober me says oh it's fine you can just take one the sober me turns me back into the person I despise. This has been an endless cycle since I was introduced to adderall about 4 years ago when I started nursing school it wasn't nearly as bad in the beginning but life happened and I turned to adderall. I am currently coming off of a short binge but I can honestly say I think I may be able to quit for good. Yesterday I officially passed my RN boards. Adderall made me this super genius in the begging it was wonderful adderall also caused me to fail my boards 3 times. When I first posted on this site I really did want to quit but I knew in the back of my mind that I was staring the hardest semesters yet I knew my mind wasn't going to let me do it alone. I hate myself for the person I am on adderall and coming off of it but I can't dwell on the past I'm putting it behind me and never looking back. I know this is going to be near impossible at times but now that I'm completely done with my RN and the stress that goes along with that I know I'm ready. And coincidentally my doctor retired at this end of this year so this girl has no way of getting any even if I did want to. I'm really going to try and visit the site everyday maybe even post (im always so jealous of the people who post how sober they are) I want to be one of you I want my old life back my down to earth energetic caring personality I'm officially saying goodbye to the zoned out mindless zombie that doesn't care about anything but poping a few more pills to feel like even more shit. Well sorry I rambled on and I'm sure the typos are outrageous because I'm rambling pretty fast. STAY CLEAN IN TWO THOUSAND SEVENTEEN!
  2. Well I'm sad to say that not much has changed. I haven't been on here since I wrote this and I feel so ashamed reading it again. I'm going to give it another shot I flushed everything I had please prey for me I've never felt so hopeless.
  3. Help the CRASH someone

    I'm attempting to quit again today like I have many times. Does anyone have any tips on how to help the miserable crash? My anxiety gets terrible, I cant function or even think strait. Any ideas on how to get over all that miserable post adderall daze would be greatly appriciated!
  4. Wow you sound exactly like me! I'm having the exact same problem I have one semeser left of nursing school I feel like it will be impossible to do without adderall. I literally am sitting in my messy house having a breakdown (yes i flushed my pills) but thats only bc I know I still have a script I can fill and as soon as I start to get over this little breakdown of hell I will have some other test or reason to pop a bunch more and start the endless cycle all over again its exausting
  5. Hello EvErYoNe! My name is Katie, I'm 26 years old and officially addicted to adderall. I've been up for about a day and a half strait popping adderall left and right starting to get delerious and staring off like a brain dead zombie. How did I get here? I don't have an addictive personality. I don't do drugs or even like the drugs I had tried. How did this happen? My old self would really like to know! I have already "quit" about, well every week this year, but it seems that as soon as I just start to get out of the brain dead zombie tranze i'd say like day 3 or 4 when I feel like i'm thinking "clearly" that little urge gets triggered and suddenly I'm back to sqare 1. Therefore, this time I'm trying something different. I'm telling my story in hopes that some of you can relate, no one can possibly understand this battle if they haven't fought it themselves. Soooo here goes... Honestly even from what I remeber early on in school Ive always had problems staying on task never excelled never cracked a book for that matter. In 2008 I started college hardly every went to class ended up dropping out and becoming pregnant at 19 years old. As soon as I laid eyes on my son I knew I wanted to give him the world. I even surprised myself I was an amazing mom with no help from my sons father. He was a spoiled rich kid who who could do no wrong in anyones eyes. He eventually started selling weed, like alot of weed and hanging with the wrong crowd. I knew I was going to be the only parent in my sons life... not that he didnt love his son but like I always said he was an amazing dad yet a terrible parent and to this day that hasnt changed. I decided to go back to school to be a nurse. Something i have always wanted to do just never thought I could. It was a rude awakening Anatomy and Physiology was my first nursing class I cried after the first test that is when Jeff (my sons father) gave me my first adderall. I remember it like it was yesterday I was sitting at the library trying to study bones it was miserable so I took the 30mg XR as soon as I took it I remember thinking ugh even this won't help me. Then all the sudden I was struck with overwelming power after reading the chapters and retaning all the information so easily and enjoying every minute of it I remember thinking,, I cant believe im only going to school to be a nurse I mean I can obviouly be a doctor or you know president of the united states. Im pretty sure I read my entire Anatomy book that day. At this point I obviously needed to get a script which was way to easy but still at this point and even a year after this day taking them on and off when I had a test I never craved them I lilterally took them only when I needed to I literally thought I was in control.. I couldn't have been more wrong. But when I was still thinking I was in control I remeber looking at a friend of jeffs who was an adderall junkie who couldnt function without 200mg a day constantly taking all the extra I had left over of my 10mg once a day script bc I would literally only take like 2 or 3 10mg a month and thinking wow how do you let yourself get to that point I spefically remember one day talking to him and he kept stopping mid sentence and complety losing his train of thought he looked at me and said "this is what adderall is going to do to you" I laughed and said nope i only take it every once and a while i'll be fine, He instantly said "ya thats how we all start" and here I am today the exact person I said I would never be. So after about a year of casually taking them I am accpeted into the Nursing program and lets just say is was all down hill from there it went from only needing them for tests to needing them for homework then for lecture it happend so fast I went from 2 or 3 a month to a week. The benifits of adderall started to disapear while my need for it only enhanced. It was a horrible cycle adderall high for 2 days strait zombie for 3 then back to the benge. This is how I have been living for almost two years. Over 2-3 days I'll pop adderall all day and night dont eat dont sleep and on day 3 I feel like I was run over by a truck and always on day 3 I "quit" and I always mean it well at least I think I do my brain has other plans it feels like. I have even tried giving it to other people to hold it so I only take it when I really need it.. well turns out thats all the time and ill always find a way to get it. It doesnt help that jeff went to prison for drug dealing I raise my son on my own work ang go to nursing school. Adderall is the easy way to manage my busy life and being someone who was alwaying strong and independant it terrifies me that I now depend on adderall. The longest I have quit was a month when I lost my insurance (this was like 2 months ago) but I ended up paying to see the doc out of pocked I needed my miracle drug. Well everyone its day 3 for me and Im quitting again. My life since I started adderall is a blur I honestly dont remeber my old self. Since adderall I am constantly getting black out drunk with my friends saying and doing things i never would have. Im not the same amazing mom I once was and with my son needing me now more than ever I have to be strong. It's the scariest feeling in the world. Adderall doesnt help me despite my brain telling me it does. I retain nothing I stare like a zoned out zombie usually focused on something completly useless. It really took ahile for me to admit I was addicted but I truely need help I obviously cant do this alone. The main thing that gives me the most anxiety about quitting all together is knowing I still have a semester left before complete my RN program. How am I going to do this? I have always depended on it and worry that I wont do as well without it despite me knowing that it literally does nothing but hurt me. I really am a smart person I was never all that book smart Ive always had trouble retaining information or even concentrating to read but I am very hands on I can catch on to anything by doing it once. Iv always been a very hard worker and very well liked by employers well I mean before adderall. I know I can do this on my own I was such a stong person back then. I need to find that person again and I can't do that on my own. I'm in a good place in my life right now dating a wonderful guy who loves me and my son I graduate nursing school in may my life is finally falling into place except I feel I could lose it all if I dont give up adderall for good not for a month or a year but for the rest of my life!!!! Sorry for all the rambeling and im sure a million spelling errors but I just took mt last 20mg adderall 2 hours ago I still have two scripts in my purse so I guess the next step is to get rid of those... Why is that so hard? It should be easy! Well here goes nothing... Any tips or advice is greatly appriciated.. it actually felt good getting some of that out!