I am back a year later after quitting for a month. I am so scared to quit because I feel liked I can't handle my responsibilities without it. What an insidious trap this shit is! Damn it. I feel so damn dependent on it when it is literally killing me. I have had three heart surgeries that are directly due to four years of adderall. I have four kids, a stressful career and a wife who on a bad day I am not sure I want to stay married to. However, she does not know I have an adderall problem and just thinks I have turned into asshole over the last four years. Sometimes with my heart issues I do think I am trying to kill myself. I seem unable to handle life without some sort of pill. The thought of going back to AA just depresses me. I can't see a way out of this addiction at the current time... I feel like I would come apart at the seams even though for all practical purposes I am coming apart at the seams. Jesus I feel just hopeless.
