I have been taking adderall for about four years, starting when I entered a Phd program. On the drug I did the usual: stayed up all night writing, researching, and just generally "enjoying" all the time I spent all speeded up and being scholarly. I have now completed my course work and aced my qualifying exams--something that seemed designed for those of us who take the drug--and am now working on my dissertation. I am in a unique, and I suppose lucky, situation where I am ONLY working on the disseration--no teaching or other part time jobs. Because I don't want to be on this drug forever, and because I really want to get pregnant, I have decided to ween myself off. Yesterday was my last day. Today is my first day without it and I canot stop obsessing about how to get my hands on it. I made an appointment with a psychiatrist to get some more but again, I DO NOT WANT TO TAKE IT ANYMORE.
So. What do to? Part of me wants to go out and score some on the street. And I keep thinking--I'll just take some to get through this chapter, this assignment, this one last thing...but I know there is never one last thing. It's called life and I want to relearn how to live it with a clear--and sober--mind.
That's it. I'm committed to stopping on one hand but the other hand is grasping in the dark for the pill. Cognitive dissonance, indeed.
Any advice would be really helpful.