eric

Whats crazy is during that 67 day clean period I went to many events and ceremonies that I didn't drink at and I was perfectly content and probably happier and more in the moment then in times past... However, I was in the wedding party with alot of my former party friends and I told myself "okay only one tramadol and thats it"...that led me to drinking more than a few beers which led me to saying "f it" and I took A's to get that boost. I told myself "okay only for this weekend and back to the grind monday". That didn't happen either. Makes me sad because I can't get that same quit feeling like I did back in January even tho I know that life can be drastically better...So FRUSTRATING!!!

I'm so sorry Delaney....I'm right there with you about feeling defeated. I haven't posted in 2 years and to be honest the last 2 years have been some of the craziest of my addiction and life..I did quit for over 2 months from all substances (amphetamine, alcohol, tramadol) back in January but then a wedding the first weekend of April threw my whole world into a tailspin again. Whats funny is I was gonna post on something back when I hit day 60 about already feeling like a completely different soul (I worked on my health and fasted and felt seriously like a different person, for the better) but I didn't because I was scared I would look like an idiot by relapsing for the thousandth time. Sure enough I did....so for the last 5+ weeks i've been going hard and its been the worst 5 weeks of my life. It's time to kick this shit for good.

@LuLamb Your post about the walkway reminded me of myself at times around my old place...and it being a RENTAL made me actually laugh out loud. This drug is ridiculous... I feel like I've read a few posts on here about people doing crazy renovations or whatever to rentals. I also know from experience ...lol

@dolssa Way to go!! Love reading your posts, even if your venting. lol. Good luck!

@Brit Welcome to the forum and that is quite a story!! Keep up the good work on staying off the meds!!! I believe it was super smart to take advantage of this quarantine...you got the immediate withdrawals over with while fighting the virus. A few years ago I had type A flu and kept on popping pills like an idiot. Still haven't fully learned my lesson since then but these past 5-6 weeks have been a blur and I'm ready to get past this struggle I'm still facing. Good luck!!! Keep posting!!

@DelaneyJuliette Congratulations on day 9 and being honest with yourself. I'm glad to see you post and be in good spirits. About a week ago on Amazon Prime I watched a PBS Nova Documentary on Addiction(2018) and one of the people on it said "People recover from addiction. No one is unreclaimable. The only thing you can't recover from is death". Idk why but that has stuck with me alot... I'm not dead so I can recover from this ya know. Anyways it was worth a watch, especially in recovery. It's mainly focused on the opioid epidemic but they talk about dopamine levels in the brain and how drugs in general affect it. And essentially "dopamine is motivation" and when your on drugs you stop producing it and obviously when your not on your drug you feel nothing. Until your abstinent awhile...ya know basic stuff most of us know on here, but it was super interesting to watch. Made me feel better about having zero motivation at the moment to do anything. Realizing that chemically my brain has been through the wringer.

@DelaneyJuliette Just checking in and hoping things are still going good. I'm almost thru Day 19. Feeling pretty fatigued today and upset about that, until I remembered I stayed up late watching Netflix and then woke up at 4:30 am and was unable to fall back asleep.... I need to remember that most people would be dragging after only a few hours of sleep the night before lol. It's funny how 4 hours of sleep seemed plenty when on adderall. Overall, I'm doing good and feel even better after typing out this simple post. Good Luck!

@dolssa Well atleast you flushed it....I wish I would've flushed the one i had on day 90 last October...I'd be past the 6 month mark.. :-(. I don't know if this helps much but my relapse began about 2 weeks before day 90. I got my hands on a prescription of pain meds that I use to abuse and it altered my mind enough to convince me to take adderall. So on day 90 I popped a little 5 mg of adderall and 30 minutes later it kicked in and worked well, almost the way it did years ago. However, after a day or two of taking little amounts I stepped up the dosage and everything went to crap again (got back to 100mg/day real quick)....and I couldn't replicate that first 30 minutes feeling again. What I tried to take away from that experience is the fact that my brain must've been repairing itself because I haven't had that feeling after taking 5mg in the last 5 years.... I guess it made me realize that my dopamine levels were trying to come back to some sense of normalcy. I obviously and totally regret taking that one little quarter but tried to take away something positive from it. The positive thing being that my brain/our brains do actually heal, and i've held onto that crappy regret feeling of relapsing after 90 days and I don't want that ever again. -Today marks day 15

@Adderall OG Wow, that was amazing to read and congratulations on your recovery. Thank you so much for posting that!!! I'm on day 15 (and happy about it) and so glad that I just read your story. For the last half decade all I did was live life from pill to pill and refill to refill without looking far ahead and believing that I have no future after this med. I know from the stories on here that one day it will be good but its refreshing to see another new person's story and to hear them thrive later on down the road in recovery, especially after you used it for such a long time. Good luck on everything and thank you for posting that very encouraging story!!!

@m34 Congratulations on the 1 year mark! I'm very happy for you and this post really helped me alot tonite!

Congrats on getting thru day 3! I bet you're pretty tired but you CAN beat your addiction to this drug even though everyone around you uses it. It will obviously make it incredibly more difficult but unless they're holding you down to take it then you can talk yourself out of it. I'm only day 13 but my best friend is coming up on 4.5 years clean and had to deal with me and everyone else around him taking it. Even when he would be drinking at parties he still knew that he couldn't take it when offered because of the hell it would cause him. Simply put you CAN do this and the sooner you do it the better. I wish I had some awesome line or something to give you but I don't at the moment. lol. I just wanted to let you know that you're definitely not alone in this struggle!!! Good luck and just know that this could be your last Day 3 ever if you want it bad enough!!!

@Tom23Jones Thats awesome, sounds like Dave Ramsey steps? I was paying off all my non-mortgage debt and on track to being debt free but during that phase I got my first Vyvanse script and unfortunately all the financial steps went out the window. Hopefully I can get back to it and become financially stable again.

Welcome to the forum and congratulations on 45 days! Caffeine has increased my cravings in the past and I found myself chasing that "high" by drinking excessive amounts of Red Bull. I quit for 90 days last year and when someone would recommend a Red Bull I knew not to do it because I couldn't have just 1 lol. I guess since caffeine is a stimulant it would trigger that part of my brain that adderall would. Unfortunately after chugging 3-4 Red Bulls in a short period to chase that high I started to feel worse (super shaky, anxious, and overall just crappy) than I would after taking Adderall and in my head I would just say "I might as well be on Adderall, its healthier for me!"...you know the addiction talking. My friend who's been clean over 4 years used to drink ALOT of coffee when he first quit, to the point where I actually thought he was on Vyvanse or adderall. After a few months he had to drastically reduce his caffeine intake to maybe 1 cup of coffee in the mornings and he went for a few months with no caffeine since it stimulated him so much. He started to consider it a drug of its own (like it was as bad as Adderall lol) cause it altered his attitude so much. But he normally stays around 1 cup in the mornings and thats it. Personally I drink a sweet tea with breakfast, lunch, and dinner, which I don't feel like it affects me but when I didn't have one in the morning I noticed the lack of caffeine lol. Everyone is different, I'm currently day 9 at the moment and staying away from the energy drinks because of the way they affect me.

Well, made it thru day 6. Just a long day but thankfully not to stressful, didn’t think about adderall too much either. Just checking in and wishing everyone a good day tomorrow! Good luck to all!

Almost done with the workday, just rounding out day 5. I feel super anxious in the mornings too... especially in my job where things can be just fine one second and then all of the sudden all hell is breaking loose (IT job). I wish I delivered mail or something where its kind of the same routine everyday (a close family member is a mailman so I know all about the negatives too) lol. Oh well, for the current time I try to take it one hour at a time during the work day, and in the evenings I normally try to watch at least one Intervention episode and cruise around on this site after dinner and getting my son to bed. GOOD LUCK! Keep Posting!!!

@DelaneyJuliette I just want to let you know you’re not alone. I went on a full 8 day bender but finishing up my 4th day clean with you. What’s crazy is the past 2 days at work have been insane but I pulled thru. I also have another very close friend that is on day 9 today so that’s awesome as well. Hope your day was good!

@DrewK15 Thanks for the response and encouraging words. It did feel tough getting back on here and talking about my mistake but I'm glad I did because it helped me to revisit what went wrong. I'm so glad I didn't break yesterday when I had that refill in my hand as well. It's insane how intense the internal struggle can be within your mind. So at this moment I truly feel back on track as much as I can and a little bit more aware about avoiding future substances. Thanks again!

Well that was one crazy ride and I feel like I'm waking up from a coma. I barely remember Thanksgiving and Christmas. So I was super active on here for the first 60+ days of my recovery back in August and September but then I stopped coming here and within a few weeks I relapsed on day 90 (Late October), and went full throttle into my addiction in mid November. I wanted to post about what lead me back to the dark side to warn others and to get it off my chest. I'd like to get back to being a positive light again. Quick backstory for new people reading this, I'm a married male in my early 30's with a young son and IT job, I first took adderall in 2012 and took it once every 1-2 months for about 2 years. Then in 2014 I got a script for vyvanse and IR and after 8 months I realized I had an addiction and since 2015 I've battled with quitting. It's been a long road of abusing it and weird health issues here and there. I also struggled with a Tramadol addiction off and on since 2017. On July 30, 2019 I said enough was enough and thought my addiction was part of my past but it turns out it wasn't. So I was doing great and had no thought of going back onto adderall up until I had an eye injury a little after 70 days clean. FYI my eye is fine and vision is back to normal but due to pain levels and OTC meds not helping at that time (pain lasted 4 days) I decided to take one of my family members Tramadol they weren't needing to see if it would help. Unfortunately it didn't help but I continued to take the tramadol anyways because of the way it made me feel. At first I didn't think anything of it because there were only 30-40 of them and my addictive brain told me that I might as well continue to take them all since there's a finite amount and I won't be able to get anymore, so enjoy it. However, over the course of 2 weeks my brain got right back to thinking intensely about adderall and the effects it had on altering my mind. I was unfortunately offered a 20mg IR and took it from them but didn't take it right then. I hung onto it and battled with my mind until I took just a little 5mg piece and mixed into a drink the next day (Day 90). When it hit 30 minutes later all I wanted was more so I took the rest of the pill and unfortunately I didn't have regret or anger, it worked like it did back when I first took it. I hated that it worked so well because I knew it was tricking me and all I could think about was getting more. I then ran out of Tramadol like the next day but then the Adderall was all I wanted. A week later I was at a new doctors office getting a script and bam, I was off to the races again. Within 2 days of taking it though all the negatives were back. The way I felt when I had taken it the week before was gone, but I couldn't stop. From mid November thru December I basically took it everyday, normally around 60-100 mg a day. I was also buying them from people I knew had some and burned through a chunk of my Christmas bonus to keep it going. I had such better plans for that money.... Whats good is I decided I needed to stop before this continued to escalate. So New Years Day was day one and I must say I still had no intentions of quitting, I had a refill come up yesterday and I planned on taking it but once I picked them up I called my friend who is 4+ years clean and he helped to remind me why I quit in the first place and took my mind back to how great i was feeling before the relapse...I wasn't perfect by any means but that sense of despair and overall death was gone during that clean time. So I got rid of the medicine and had this overwhelming sense of joy about being back on track. I went and completed my extensive service repair I had scheduled that afternoon meds free and it was such a morale boost. Today I'm here posting about it to yall so I can get back on track and put this all behind me again. Long Story short, if you know your an addict you need to abstain from alcohol or substances that you know alter your mind because they always said you will find your drug of choice at the bottom of the bottle, glass or plastic. I didn't want to believe that me taking Tramadol would lead me back to adderall but it did. Lesson learned. Day 7 - Back in the fight

@NurseAddy sorry to hear about the relapse. Take this time to think about your train of thought right before it happened and how to stop it in the future. Just remember where you end up after a day or two... which is this site and most likely experiencing regret. Last week I had intense cravings and learned enough from my relapses in the past to put a mental stop measure in place to prevent the cravings from turning into a relapse. Just play out how things will go after you pop that first one and remember the pain your going thru now. I’ve been busy the last few weeks experiencing life as a sober person and not constantly thinking about pills and it’s freaking amazing. I still experience guilt and regret about not quitting sooner and still have some sluggish days but overall it’s like I’ve been reborn and it seriously is amazing. You CAN get past this addiction!!! -End of day 69 :-)

You can PASS this test... I'm on day 65 today and I've been happy with life lately as well...then yesterday a thought from my addict side popped up in my head that maybe adderall isn't as bad as I've made it out to be. It was a very intense craving that temporarily scrambled my thought process. Whats crazy is since quitting I've actually been around people that are on adderall and was able to decline one that was offered to me at birthday party a few weeks ago, not to brag but with the mindset I've been in it was relatively easy to say no. Yesterday when the craving hit it was so intense that I actually looked into my coworkers bottle and saw them in there and thought of how awesome I could feel if I just took one but then I quickly thought to myself the reason why I quit in the first place. I thought " I can't take just one and be happy, one leads to two and so on..", this is just one of those cravings that everyone on the forum said would happen and no one is stopping me from taking one except me. I've thrown away sobriety more times than I can count in the past and the regret is way greater than that fleeting moment of "awesomeness" I may or may not even experience. So I put the bottle back in their drawer and walked away. The feeling I got from winning that battle with my addict side actually pulled me out of my lull I was experiencing all morning. I called my friend that now has over 4 years of clean time and he said those intense cravings happened quite often in the first 6 months. When he quit he was still with his now ex-gf for 9 months that took adderall. He told me he would go through the exact same thing I did, have the cravings, look at her bottle, then talk about all the negatives, and feel great after walking away from them. Even after 4 years his brother will offer them to him at family parties but he doesn't think for a second about taking them and declines. I know this because I would be there taking them with his brother lol. SOOOOO......these cravings are just something that we have to go through and deal with. The main thing is not giving in to the cravings and undoing all the clean time we've worked hard to get. I've seen it personally and read it plenty on here that in time things will get much much better! Good Luck!!!

@GirlScottie Congrats on cutting off the supply. You can and will get your life back if you want it bad enough. I'm still in shock that I'm clean and have only craved the drug on a few occasions since I took that final pill on the evening of July 29. I quit multiple times in the past with a crazy amount of enthusiasm but would fall off the wagon within a few weeks. This time I got honest with myself and decided enough was enough and had to internalize how horrible I was feeling and it will ALWAYS be like that if I ever took one again. The first few weeks I tried to do the bare minimum at work and home. I'd get home in the evenings and force myself to do chores and read my sons books but also laid in bed and watched a lot of Netflix, Hulu, and YouTube. I watched A LOT of Intervention on Hulu, I could never watch that show in the past cause it made me feel like shit but I honestly think it was a major help in recovering. I was always rooting for the person at the end of the episode and it made me see how those people could get better so I can do it too. On YouTube theres a guy called CGKid and he has a lot of videos talking about drug use and interviewed people that are in recovery. Some of the people he interviewed were recovering from Adderall, and I also feel like the people recovering from meth had stories that could hit close to home for some of us that binged on adderall. When laying around I wouldn't be negative about the crappy way I was feeling, I would almost embrace it and simply tell myself, "well your just recovering from the damage you've done to your body for the last 5 years, this is just a step to getting my back life that everyone that hasn't gotten clean has to go through. Now its my turn". Basically you have to make the first 6 weeks all about recovery, maybe watch some Intervention, find stories on YouTube, visit and participate on this site often. Just focus on getting yourself better during that time! You will more than likely gain weight, feel lethargic, have memory loss, and feel nothing at times while other times you may feel complete rage, anger, regret, but you will also feel real happiness and an appreciation for life. But YOU have to be ready to do it for yourself and be honest that just taking one pill isn't in the cards anymore. My life has improved so much since quitting, I'm actually feeling some decent energy and my memory loss is no where near what it was a month ago. I've still got a long ways to go in recovery but quitting is nowhere near as scary as the thought of continuing to take that damn drug is. You CAN do this!!! -Currently Day 58 and happy to look forward while not forgetting the past...

@Collin Welcome to the forum, given enough time you will feel those human connections again and get back your funny goofy behavior(my wife says I'm almost to goofy lol). You made a good choice to quit and you'll have to pay a small price to get it back but it will be worth it. Just remember why you quit it in the first place, and you said it yourself that the honeymoon phase is over and the positive effects are gone. Just hang in there and post about anything you got going on....it helps me alot to check in and post. Good Luck! -Currently day 51

@NurseAddy CONGRATS ON 1 WEEK DOWN TODAY!!! Hope your having a good day. For a stressful Monday, I'm performing better than I have in years (even when I was on meds). So again just hang in there and realize that stimulants may help a lot in the short term but they screw you over from real happiness in the long run. Good luck and congrats!! - Currently Day 49 :-)

@NurseAddy I weirdly remember Day 6 because I felt the same way that day. My day 6 fell on a Sunday too and I felt super depressed and anxious....honestly I felt like complete crap. You're in the thick of it right now, just hang in there. The last 2 weeks for me have been going quite well but the first 30 days were solely about doing nothing except getting thru work and putting time between myself and my last adderall. I know that wasn't much advice but just a reminder that things will get better... -Day 48 and optimistic about life again

@Aurora29 Shit happens and so do relapses. Just do what you gotta do to get this part of your life behind you so you can move forward to bigger and better things. I've been pretty busy this week and thankfully feeling good overall. I cut out sugars and reduced my food intake and it's been an awesome change. I feel really great at the moment. Just hold onto how your feeling right now going forward to help prevent you relapsing in the future. We're always here for you. -End of Day 46 and finally feeling real happiness.