eric

@Lawyer wow you posted nearly a minute after me about 20 minutes ago!!!, wish I would've gotten onto the site sooner to reassure you that your doing the right thing by quitting. The good times are over when it comes to taking it. It sucks to hear it and realize it but from what I read in your post it sounds like the honeymoon has been over and the drug is only gonna make you feel worse and worse as you continue taking it. I've taken it for almost 5.5 years and I finally realized that you will only get better if you listen to all those that have come before us and just quit taking it, time is the only thing that will be able to fully heal us at this point. I'm sorry to hear that your feeling some regrets from getting rid of them and it happens...I've had so many relapses that I became sure I would be on them forever and I'm still at risk of potentially going back on them because I'm human and make mistakes. That's why I'm doing things different and working my recovery to the point where I've come to terms that I will never be able to take another one again because in the past when I take "one" it would lead to more and more and things would only get worse.... Just know that you will unlikely be able to take these forever and getting clean will be one of the best accomplishments of your life. I'm really hoping this is helping cause I'm trying brother!!! Just get thru the rest of the day and chill this weekend if possible!!!

Congrats on the decision to quit!! We're not getting any younger (I'm 31) and I would always try to find the "perfect" time to quit but with the way my job is and the responsibilities there never seemed to be a "perfect" time to quit so I kept using. Sometimes you just gotta go for it and I'm glad you had the courage and strength to flush the meds and get on with your recovery sooner than later. Thankfully you already know what to expect the first few weeks since you appear to go thru it 12 times a year lol. So just take it one day at a time and hang onto the positives from all the people on here that have years of clean time and promise that it does get better eventually...I've seen it personally with my best friend who is coming up on 4 years clean and he told me all the time that its worth it to quit. Now I've finally decided to listen to those that HAVE been there and done that and I couldn't be more excited to begin the long process of putting all this crap behind me. I'm on day 25 right now, I worked a pretty rough morning at a humid and hot tower site repairing issues that I "always" needed meds to fix...now I'm just forcing my butt to do it and its not that bad at all and I get it done in a reasonable amount of time without any crazy extra tweaky overthoughts. lol Well just keep coming back on here to vent or let us know how your doing. I've been coming to this site for years and never fully participated when I would "quit" and I would just avoid it entirely and say "I got this on my own". This time I'm obviously doing things way different and its helping me alot to come here and participate in the posts. I'm actually putting work into my recovery by reflecting on the past and learning from it so I can help my future. Good luck on one of the best decisions you've made in your life!!!

@Lawyer I know the feeling of losing touch with life (kids, family, yourself, higher power) while on these meds and it sucks. I’m currently on my 24th day clean and it’s been exciting, almost like a renewed lease on life. I am unfortunately paying for my 5+ years of usage thru fatigue, short term memory loss, lack of interest in things, and reduced work productivity. On the flip side tho, in the last 24 days I haven’t felt like a zombie, felt my blood pressure shooting thru the roof, felt an overall sense of death, or any other problems the drugs caused me (which was a lot). I laugh and joke like crazy now and my son and I are like two peas in a pod and it’s awesome (wife and I are great too even tho I’ve been a lotta lazy lol). So I’m gonna say quitting has been the best thing in my life so far, even at 24 days in. I pray you can find a way to quit so you can enjoy the things that really matter in life! :-) Your work situation reminds me of myself in different ways, I currently work in the IT field at a small company and I’m heavily relied upon to perform a wide range of duties to keep the company moving forward. I would always find a way to justify my addiction and when I wasn’t on them I felt so great, but the work would pile up so I’d go back on them to catch up and the cycle continued. If it weren’t for the meds I would’ve never stayed around this long at the company cause I dislike the IT field, I know I’m only this deep in it because of how much the adderall/vyvanse made me think loved it. Now, I heavily rely on the high income to support my family. I must say tho that I’m hanging in there and doing the bare minimum and the world keeps on turning like everyone said it would. Just to feel out the situation more, what dosage are you taking and what’s the longest time you’ve been off the meds since you got prescribed them?

First off congrats on 40 days clean and congrats on becoming a father!!! It's a great experience and is truly life changing. I'm 31 years old too with a wife and a 1st grader now, and I'm the only person at my company that does the job I do and I'm HEAVILY depended on which can be good and bad at times in recovery. I started taking adderall and vyvanse at 25 and within a few months was abusing them. I've also abused tramadol for the last 2.5 years on top of the adderall so that made things a little tougher cutting BOTH of them out. I'm sorry to hear the struggle your going thru. I feel like I've seen other members on here over the years that shared the 10+ years of (non-abusing)use like you and may be more qualified to answer your actual questions than me, I'm only on day 22 of recovery myself so it would probably mean more coming from a senior member .lol. I really hope that some are able to chime in to answer those questions for ya. From my own experience, once you get to that point where the pills negative effects outweigh the positive then its pretty much not a viable option anymore. It only seems to get worse from then on out when taking them. I wasted so many precious moments with my son by not fully being there as a dad he needed cause my blood pressure was crazy high and I was like a weird zombie. I also learned that parenting only gets more difficult the older they get so obviously just stay the course with recovery from adderall and bite the bullet now. Know that you got someone cheering for you on this site as well!! Good luck!!

@idkanymore well I’m finishing up my day 20. Just checking in and I hope your weekend was good. This week should be a big one for ya in recovery! There is always support here when you need it. Best of luck!

Glad to hear you got thru the day without taking meds and it sounds like that’s a great friend to have supporting you going forward. You’ve done it once before and you can do it even better this time cause you learned something from it. I was actually in a treatment center (for alcohol) for 30 days back in 2012 and heard so many stories from all types of users. What I learned is people make mistakes, some more than others, and you can’t focus on the guilt or shame of a relapse. It’s just part of recovery sometimes. All you can do is learn from it and focus on moving forward cause the guilt will just make it worse and you can’t change what’s been done. Just focus on getting thru one hour at a time at work tomorrow and you will feel so rewarded when you get done. You got this!!! And my day was not perfect, I was pretty fatigued, but I’m just paying my dues for over 5 years of abuse. Better than being a slave to the drug tho. Good luck!!!

@Geometric11 Hope things are going okay for you today...I know exactly what your going thru cause I've done it so many times. Feel free to vent, just know I'm rooting for ya and sending good vibes your way!!! I'm day 20 today which has seemed impossible for the past couple years. I'm just taking it one day at a time and enjoying my Sunday as a clean person and its not perfect but its better than being tweaked out anyday!!! Hang in there!!

DISCLAIMER: Some of this post is me venting which helps me deal with my struggles as well, hope it isn't too long and helped you in some sort of way. I abused adderall and vyvanse for over 5 years and as you saw in my other post I'm currently on my 19th day clean. I've "quit" numerous times over the years and most of the time I would get 2-3 weeks in and cave. The longest I went without taking anything was 30 days back in November of 2016. I remember feeling so amazing that November and ready for a change but I somehow had that urge come over to take one from a friend right before we were going to Vegas. We were actually at the airport and the urge hit me so suddenly that its hard to explain how intense the feeling was, the addiction literally hijacked my brain in a matter of seconds and threw everything positive out the door . It's insane to think how I was completely fine and excited about the trip and without it being offered or anything the thought raced into my head "this would be even more exciting if I were on addie, this isn't natural to be this happy" and its like I blacked out or something cause I asked if they had any and if I could have one. Without a second thought I popped it and came too, it was a horrible feeling after I swallowed it followed by an amazing feeling 30 minutes later and asking myself "why did i quit in the first place? this stuff is great"....fast forward a few hours and I had so much remorse/guilt and felt like a failure. Barely enjoyed the vacation and was a zombie and continued to take them when there and after I got back from the trip. Today is the longest I've been off meds since that quit in November of 2016. I've tried numerous times to quit since then but never had the same desire to quit like I do now because I felt so deflated from how easily I gave in to my addiction. As you can tell I still remember that day at the airport and how amazing I felt before the urge came on and how ruined I felt after taking it. I have finally held onto those memories and use them as a learning experience to counter my addictive thoughts when they start. Sooooo... everyone goes thru recovery differently. My buddy has been clean for almost 4 years and made recovery seem so easy yet I couldn't find the strength to quit. It was kind of disheartening for me to see him breeze right thru the weeks, months, and years even though he abused pills worse than I did before he quit. I almost became convinced that I would be on them till they killed me. Thankfully on the night of July 29 I convinced myself again that I can do this and that my life has only gotten worse from being on meds. In the past I would stop taking them and not work my recovery and by that I mean not come to this site, not reflect on why I quit, not count my days, not do anything to help build up a foundation for a post adderall life. This time I'm doing things differently and have my own lessons to reflect back upon that caused me to relapse when i get that craving. In conclusion, recovery is not the same for everyone and is an ongoing process. People have different situations, emotions, and rock bottoms and these all play a major part in getting clean. Some of us are able to quit once and some have to go thru more hell than others. ONE thing we ALL have in common is that we cannot use this terrible drug again cause it only leads to pain and misery.

I'm halfway thru Day 19 and doing good. I'll probably start my own post in the next 11 days instead of taking over @idkanymore's lol. Today is Saturday and like much of the south it is freaking hot outside and I'm staying inside. I work outside during the week and its been rough with temperatures being so high, its amazing how the stimulants would allow me to work in the heat without thinking about it as long as I stayed hydrated (I experienced rhabdomyolysis my first year of taking meds and I know I only got it because of them allowing me to over work myself). So its been tough this week getting thru work but I must say that the abundance of sunshine this early in recovery may be helping with potential depression feelings that come from stimulant withdrawal. In the past I would try to quit in the winter time to make work easier but I felt worse emotionally which may have been due in part to the winter weather/shorter days. So far this week my cravings have not been there at all, its been quite a unique experience to not constantly think about pills. Any work issues that come up I just get thru them as best as possible along with dealing with the kiddo going back to school. I have however felt very fatigued the past 3 days but thankfully I know why I'm feeling this way (withdrawal and heat) and I know that one day things will get better as long as I stay the course. I've also been watching a lot of the Intervention show on Hulu, I never wanted to before cause it would make me feel bad about my problems or convince myself that I'm not as bad as those people so I got my problem under control. I watch it now and it gives me a sense of hope, especially when I see how much they transform after treatment (3-4 months after their intervention) and hoping that I see them still sober at the end of the episode. I cheer for them so much that I'm now cheering myself on and it feels amazing to have this drive to better myself finally. I know this mightve been scatterbrained but I hope I got my feelings across. Overall, I feel so much better mentally and psychically. I've given myself a second chance at life and I get to experience it now with a renewed sense of the world. To anybody out there currently struggling, it may be scary to quit but its totally worth it!!!

Well I’m at the end of day 13 and thankfully still going strong, I’ve had a few urges and it appears that I may have actually learned something from all those failed attempts to quit in the past cause I quickly recognize the craving and extinguish it before it leads to anything bad. Basically after a minute I end up with the conclusion that taking something is not the answer and I won’t get better if I do. Time is the only thing that will heal me at this point and I’m finally understanding that! @idkanymore How are you doing? Since your a week ahead of me i look forward to seeing your posts! Lol.

I’m in early recovery, day 9 today, and your post brings me hope and reassurance that life can be and is better off this terrible drug. Congratulations on the 15 months and thank you for hopping on and checking in on here, you helped me just now and probably many others. Thanks!!!

@Speeder906 that was an awesome post to read! Very encouraging for those in the early stages of recovery. Hope everything has continued going strong for you and in that case you would be past the 1 year mark. Hope all is well!

Congrats on the month clean! I was slightly confused by part of your post when you said “score more speed”, are you getting back on your script or was that a typo?

@idkanymore congrats on 2 weeks clean! I'm currently day 7 so you got 8 days on me and I look forward to seeing your positive post! I've gone 3-4 weeks clean multiple times in the past and its amazing how powerful this drug can be on our brains cause I would feel so positive and then slip up and have to go down a crappy path again. Just realize that "IT WONT BE DIFFERENT THIS TIME!" if you ever think of taking one. That would be my problem, I would feel so physically better after a few weeks that I only remembered the honeymoon phase of when I first took the drug and then would go back to it and instantly be back to hating my life....similar to some of my former toxic relationships with exes. You break up with people for a reason but after a few weeks you only seem to remember the good times or good things and go back. Thats been my problem with this drug..its crazy.

@mcmc Hope your recovery is still going well, I'm currently on day 7 and hanging in there even tho its Monday and these customers never seem to run out of issues lol. So hope things are going well!!! Let us know! :-)

Hi @idkanymore, congrats on making the decision to quit. Glad to hear your getting better and from what everyone says things will only get better as time goes on. How long were you on medications for?

Best advice is to quit now because its only gonna get worse, to the point where you won't even be able to function at work while on it. I've been on this drug for almost 3 years now and realized I needed to quit it back in January of '15, yet I always find some reason to keep taking it. I have quit for 2-3 weeks at a time over the past 2 years and the longest was a whole 30 days. I feel so amazing once I get past day 5 and I always say I'm done...but then I take it again. I know what your going through with the small business owned by family/friends. It seems like it can make it more difficult because in small businesses more roles and responsibilities can be placed on people and positions and family/friends can be quick to ask questions about mood changes/productivity issues. I'm 28 with a wife and young son, flush the damn things now because you will feel a huge sense of relief and deal with the consequences...so what you won't be as productive for a week or two! It will get better!!! Just read the stories on this website, they are all trying to help you!!! In the end it all comes down to YOU wanting to be done with this crap....best of luck.