[Tips to quit]

Recognition what it's doing to the people around me was a major catalyst in my decision to quit. I could no longer ignore the fact that I was isolating myself from the world. I could no longer ignore the damage I was causing to the people closest to me. It's hard to base quitting off your subjective experience because you're taking the one thing that alleviates your symptoms (even though it's what caused those symptoms in the first place!). However, getting feedback from the people you consider closest to you may prove to be enlightening.. 

....That and sexual dysfunction... yeah that'll do it for sure.

However, I just re-read your post and you're asking for lifestyle changes you could implement. Hmm. Well you certainly listed the things you should do, but do you have a plan on how to implement those things? Do you have a workout plan ready to go? Do you know how you are going to modify your diet? I guess in addition to the above-mentioned things, I would look at what to subtract from your life as well. Figure out your priorities in life and work to cut out the rest. You're not going to have that blast of motivation that Adderall so readily provided anymore, so make sure your life is simplified enough so you can manage the withdrawal phases. 

[How's Everybody doing Physically?]

21 hours ago, Frank B said:

Unless your competing in the Olympics I wouldn't skip a cheat meal once a week life's too short just my take. Sounds like your in good shape maybe bump up the cardio a little more but if your going for the muscle mass look it may take some of that away. Im a medium build when I stopped addy I got up to 200 now around 185 avg like to reach 175 and maintain. Ive been really laying off the carbs if I do eat some besides my cheat meal ( or day) try to do it before a work out. Overall Im in the best shape since I was in my early 20's I wish that carried over to energy levels but Im still the laziest Ive been in my life its frustrating I go to a gym run couple miles hit weights eat healthy and feel tired most of the time!?! I guess adderall must really fuck something up in us and only time itself can truly heal each month gets a little better just at a snails pace. One day I just want to stop thinking about adderall altogether think when that happens you know your healed a few people on here have reached that point but its well after a year of quitting. I have no craving to take the pill but I use it as a excuse for my laziness and so tired of that mindset.

Lol. I am able to relate to what you said 100% in regard to doing all these strenuous activities in the gym and it not translating to energy throughout the day. Makes me wonder if we truly lack energy or we're just aware what operating at 500% normal human energy levels feels like and we compare ourselves to that state. 

[How's Everybody doing Physically?]

1 hour ago, Frank B said:

Good progress I'll try to do in comparison when I get time. Have you considered not worrying about calories and focus on cutting out carbs much as possible? I feel personally it's way more beneficial to loosing weight. Also do you mix in cardio into your workouts or just do weights? Just thinking those two things might get you where you want to be. 

Yeah I've done all different variants of low carb. My diet is mainly composed of meat and sauteed veggies, with berries at night. I recently added in rice to my diet because I felt myself dragging at my longer workouts once I added in cardio. I do about 1-1.5 hours of cardio a week. 

[Work = My new unfavorite thing]

8 hours ago, HairsprayQueen said:

Yes!  I have those exact same thoughts.  Anytime a task requires much thought and/or effort I crave it and doubt that I'll ever be able to do it. I see people who are very productive and efficient and I'm convinced they must be on it...it's like I've completely lost faith in human willpower. 

I must admit I do the same damned thing, hah. I was watching this health "guru" guy who was talking about how his diet/lifestyle unlocked his mind and gave him this boost of energy, vitality, and overall increase in cognition. I couldn't help but notice how his talking style was just spewing whatever came to his mind, his mouth was dry the entire time (he was sucking down water throughout the video), and how absorbed he was with what he was talking about.. I narrowed my eyes and thought "Yeah.. you're definitely on Adderall. Diet and lifestyle my ass". Hell, at one of the hospitals I worked at a few years back, one of the most successful surgeons openly admitted to me that he took Adderall for performance enhancement purposes. However, it didn't come as much of a surprise to me. He either came into the room and began talking to anyone and everyone who could hear him and everything in his life was amazing OR he'd come into the room and start screaming at nurses or other staff for not having a pen ready for him to sign the chart. He once fired his entire support staff in the middle of surgery which turned out to be a complete shitshow. So maybe many successful people are on Adderall. Chances are good to excellent. It does come at a great cost though and we know the effects don't last. In addition, as is the case for analyzing successful people, you have to consider how many unsuccessful people take Adderall and how it impacted them. I'm willing to bet the vast majority of Adderall users end up becoming addicted to video games or some other hobby rather than using it was fuel for their ambitions. 

[How's Everybody doing Physically?]

On this board there's a lot of discussion about the mental effects associated with quitting Adderall, and rightfully so. However, I want to know how everyone is doing physically which includes, but is not limited to, changes in: body fat, muscle mass, energy levels, energy consistency, sleep quantity, sleep quality, and exercise tolerance. At 10 months in, here's a rundown of what I'm experiencing with a rating next to it ranging from 1/10 to 10/10 (1 meaning terribly unsatisfied, 5 meaning moderately satisfied, 10 meaning absolutely satisfied). 

• Body Fat 4/10: To put it succinctly, this remains a problem. I have ~10-12 pounds of body fat that I cannot seem to shake off. I sometimes wonder if Adderall had a deleterious effect to my basal metabolic rate or something, because I seem to consume less than my TDEE (Total Daily Energy Expenditure) yet am not noticing much fat loss. I know this because I've tracked all calories I've consumed for the past 3 months, yet I haven't loss much weight and am not showing very much definition despite working out 6 days per week and cooking all my meals (aside from my cheat meal, which I'm thinking of eliminating.. sadly). To be fair, I do believe I lost SOME body fat from the 25 pounds I gained after quitting Adderall. 
• Muscle Mass 9/10: I'm very satisfied with this aspect of my life. I finally have been able to put on an appreciable amount of muscle mass. When on Adderall, I experienced a global "plateauing" effect to all my lifts, meaning I wasn't getting any stronger on anything. I felt like lifting weights would just cause muscle damage without the repair, and would result in a soreness that didn't result in any gains. Now I'm crushing my weight lifting goals (partially shameless brag incoming), I've been able to bench press 365 pounds and deadlift 495! That's way stronger than I've ever been in my life. Then again, I don't have very much definition due to the body fat, so it's difficult to tell I lift that much by just looking at me (I know this, because during Christmas break, all my girlfriend's relatives asked me if I still worked out -_-).
• Energy Levels 6/10: This has improved over the past few months and varies from day to day. I'm able to perform tasks and duties without resembling an aimless corpse. I do possess the necessary energy to exercise, make dinner, ..uhh we'll call it spend "active time" with my GF, and do my share of chores throughout my day. At some points throughout my day, I feel very close to 100% (something I haven't felt in years). However, that brings us to my next point..
• Energy Consistency 4/10: So not as good here. The reason why I divided my overall energy into "energy levels" and "energy consistency" was because I notice (sometimes drastic) fluctuations in my energy levels throughout the day and from day to day. Now, I do understand that fluctuations in energy levels occurs in otherwise "normal and healthy" people (people who haven't abused stimulants throughout the day), but these fluctuations in my energy levels still come off as extreme at times. I tend to crash at around 3-4 in the afternoon and wake back up at around 7-8pm. When I crash, I feel like my social capabilities take a nosedive, which is a problem because I still see patients for another few hours after my afternoon crash and they wanna talk. I'm sure I come off as aloof at this time, but if that's the price I have to pay to be able to function without popping pills, then c'est la vie. 
• Sleep Quantity 8/10: This has undergone a pretty drastic improvement from only a few months ago. I can now sleep anywhere from 5-9 hours. When I first quit Adderall (and for months that followed), I would sleep for 4 hours, wake up, roll around till my alarm went off. Falling asleep at a reasonable hour.. now that's a different story, but that has been a problem that has existed before Adderall, so I can't wholly blame Adderall for that. 
• Sleep Quality 6/10: Like energy, I decided to split sleep into two categories in order to be more specific. Though I'm able to sleep for longer periods of time, my quality of sleep isn't the greatest. Again, my sleeping habits before Adderall weren't great. However, I'm comparing to my ability to sleep prior to Adderall use rather than how I sleep compared to other people. I do have a tendency to wake up every 3-4 hours to roll over for a bit, but I can fall back asleep now. I'm doing everything I can to fix my sleep habits (all the usual shit you read about online), and I do feel my sleep is gradually improving, but definitely not where I want to be yet. 
• Exercise Tolerance 8/10: Another one of these aspects of my life where I'm very satisfied. I am able to workout for ~1-1.5 hours a day at ~5-6 days per week, which is exactly what I want to be doing. I didn't give myself a 10/10 in this category because my workouts aren't great if I go during a time when my energy levels are crashing. Now, I don't exactly "feel" like working out, but I'm not sure I ever have. I mean, very few people I know who go to the gym daily "feel" like working out everyday. But it's one of those habit things, and it gets more automatic and more routine the more you just go. 

Anyway, look forward to hearing how everyone else is doing. 

 

EDIT: For the record, you shouldn't feel compelled to type out something this elaborate, a simple rating out of 10 or a one-word response would suffice.

[Hearing Things]

Looked it up and apparently anxiety can cause auditory hallucinations in some people. I believe I had that one night when I took a massive dose of Adderall prepping for an exam. I heard someone knock at the door, got up, no one. Heard it again, got up, no one. At the time I figured someone was just messing around with me. This was at 3 am. 

[7 Month Struggles]

On 12/20/2016 at 10:24 AM, Tom23Jones said:

I've reached the 7 month mark of life without this terrible drug. This recovery process is definitely not a linear process. I think it would be a lot easier if it was a linear process....if you knew with each and every day you are going to be getting better and better that would keep you motivated but thats not it how goes at all. You get better slowly and think you are building some momentum then you'll have a major low point out of nowhere.

I actually think physically not taking Adderall is the easiest part of recovery. I honestly feel in my heart that there is nothing that would ever make me put that garbage back into my body again. But I'll remain vigilant in my recovery and keep reading these forums and attending N/A meetings.

But I did want to vent about some of the hardest parts of recovery which I'm currently experiencing. But don't take this is discouragement because I've read plenty of peoples experiences on here who go through the same struggles I'm about to note and they slowly pulled through and thats what gives me hope.

I hate the anxiety attacks..they come over me with no real trigger. I've gotten slightly better at controlled breathing and talking myself through it but not always. Sometimes I go into full panic mode and just think I can't catch my breath and/or think I'm going to go crazy or die. For anyone with anxiety you know how terrifying this is. I hate that feeling and it usually kinda fucks with me a few days after the panic attack, I don't know if anyone can relate to that?

The next thing that I struggle with is occasional depersonalization. It comes and goes but I'm curious if anyone else has experienced this?? If you arent familiar with the term, the definition is; reality or detachment within the self, regarding one's mind or body, or being a detached observer of oneself. Subjects feel they have changed and that the world has become vague, dreamlike, less real, or lacking in significance. It can be a disturbing experience.

The next thing I struggle with which is kind of related to anxiety is I have a fear that consumes my mind way too much. That fear is that I fucked up my heart. I know its kind of an irrational fear because my chest never hurts or feels different but I just have this overwhelming fear that I messed up my heart beyond repair. Sometimes my mind will feel a little foggy and instantly I start thinking its because my heart is pumping efficiently enough. I know its possible my adderall abuse screwed up my heart and thats why to eliminate this fear I'm going to make a docs appointment and just find out for sure. I'll either have the peace of mind knowing that my heart is fine or I'll be able to address any issues.

My last struggle that I want to vent about is just finding that motivational muscle again. I know that I just have to build discipline and just do the things that need to be done but its not that easy. The only way I can describe it is that sometimes my motivational muscle is completely paralyzed. I don't know how many times I've told myself I'm going to wake up early and hit the gym and begin a powerful morning routine but I'm not strong enough to follow through. Hell I end up not even waking up early enough to get to work on time at 9am and I only work minutes from my house. Sometimes my wife will be doing all the house chores, dishes, laundry, cleaning the bathrooms etc. and I'll set there the entire time paralyzed with lack of motivation and I choose not to help her. Even though the whole time my wife is doing these tasks, I know the right thing to do is to just get up and help but I can't make myself pull the trigger and do the right thing.

Anyways, I'm sorry to have such a negative themed post but I feel like it helps me when I at least talk about the things I'm going through and someone might read this and relate it to their recovery. I'm also hopeful someone has some advice to get through any of the problems I mentioned or a timeline of when it gets better.

First of all, congratulations on being clean for 7 months! You belong in the extreme minority that has been able to free yourself of Adderall's insidious stranglehold over your mind. However, I can tell you didn't make this post for a small celebration, so let's get to the issues at hand. 

So yes, the 7 month mark. As Rodney Dangerfield best put it "OHH It's a rough one, ya know!". This is one of those milestones that truly challenges your commitment unfortunately, because everything somehow gets worse. I stated this in a previous post, but my theory behind the 7-9 month slump is our brain transitions from being under-stimulated (removal of a stimulant) to being over-stimulated (as a sorta "over-corrective"). I remember being slammed by anxiety and had great difficulty to initiate doing anything at around the 7 month mark. I had the anhedonia (the inability to experience pleasure from inherently pleasurable things) at around the 3 month mark, so that's been an ongoing thing.  

I'm at the 10 month mark, so I'm going to be speaking from a standpoint that's only slightly further along than you currently are. In other words, I'm not totally out of the hot water just yet. The reason why I believe the 7-9 month mark initiates being "over-stimulated" is because I find myself much more sensitive to stimuli. It's like my threshold for arousal (stress arousal, not sexual arousal) has been lowered tremendously. I never used to describe myself as a reactive person, but ever since the 7 month mark I find myself being thrown into a panic state from seemingly benign situations and environments. I used to be a decent public speaker and never had a huge fear of speaking in front of a crowd. However the last time I had to speak in front of an audience (of like 4-5 co-workers), I felt my hands were ice cold and trembling, my heart was pounding, my thoughts were racing and I almost cancelled the whole thing. So yes, I too have experienced the increased anxiety at the 7 month point. Within the past 3-4 weeks, I've had more control over my anxiety. Again, it ebbs and flows by the day, and some days are certainly better or worse than others. But when I'm feeling good, I'm feeling great, and those days are slowly becoming more frequent. And as far as the heart thing goes, I found that funny that you've experienced that too. I installed a heart rate monitor on my phone and began checking it obsessively, thinking my heart rhythm and rate was altered by my years of Adderall usage. It began to annoy my girlfriend, who thought I became single-mindedly obsessed trying to diagnose what's wrong with me. I have yet to find evidence that my body is permanently altered by the Adderall use, but that still doesn't extinguish the possibility in my mind (even though I know it's very unlikely). 

Now motivation. I know in previous posts I've harped on the whole "motivation follows action" concept, and I do truly believe that is absolutely the case. However I'd also like to state I'm not where I believe I should be in terms of my natural motivation levels, I'd give myself maybe 40-60% there, depending on the day. It just astounds me to see people able to get up, drink coffee, and accomplish all sorts of chores and tasks on their days off. I emphasize finding one thing (for me, it's weight lifting, but it could be anything, from walking around somewhere or biking or meditating.. just find something) and doing it on a fixed schedule the majority of the days a week. Make it as easy as you can on yourself and make it known to your significant other that you need to do this in order to facilitate your recovery. Hold yourself accountable. Allow yourself to fail every now in then, but don't take your failures lightly either. For the first 3 weeks, stick to it religiously. I started to lift weights, but quickly found that I needed a structured program in order to get anywhere (ordered this off amazon https://www.amazon.com/Year-One-Challenge-Men-Stronger/dp/1938895231/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1482346443&sr=8-1&keywords=bigger+leaner+stronger+year+1+challenge). I found that morning workouts do not work for me, at least not this early on in recovery, so I go in the evening time. It also had the pleasant side effect of helping me start get into shape again (though I'm still carrying about 20 pounds of unwanted weight.. something to work towards). Anyways, there has been some carryover into my day-to-day obligations. I found that doing things on a fixed schedule is necessary for me to get anything accomplished. I found that if I deviate away from my routine, then it will not get done. I expect this to get better with time, but for now I stick to a more regimented way of doing things. I hope your spouse is understanding on what you're going through. My GF understands for the most part, but does attempt to throw it in my face every once in a while, but I don't hold it to her since it does look bad when I'm watching TV and she's cleaning the house (though I cook, shop, and clean the kitchen every night, so I'm pulling my share of the workload). 

 

 

 

 

 

[Fed up spouse]

55 minutes ago, Had enough said:

He said he has already browsed this site, which means he knows he needs to quit, but also said it's a collection of the worst possible stories.

This line right here is very telling that he doesn't feel ready to quit. I've found that when people are wanting to quit, they search for reasons/personal stories why they should quit to justify their decision. I've also found that when people are not wanting to quit, they search for reasons/personal stories why they shouldn't quit to justify their decision. This is a form of confirmation bias. It is encouraging to see that he's searching for a psychiatrist to help him quit, but equally troubling to see he's searching for a psychiatrist to supply him pills for "occasional use", for which, like you said, is bullshit. He's at least contemplating quitting, but isn't ready to fully commit. I would say the best chance you have is to sit him down and truly and honestly explain to him how you miss who he was prior to all this drug use, and love that person dearly, and how you do not love the person he's becoming. Now, let me preface this by saying I'm not a psychologist or relationship counselor and this is not professional advice, so it may backfire on you. However, I know for me, I didn't know my girlfriend began to resent me BECAUSE of my Adderall abuse. I always thought she wouldn't love me anymore if I became lethargic upon quitting Adderall, but my relationship began to flourish once I finally quit (or at least a couple months afterwards). 

Have him post on the boards explaining his story. If he has a demanding career and is currently dependent on stimulants to "get by", then I completely understand his apprehension to quit. I quit Adderall right in the middle of graduate school. Though it was (and, at times, still is) the toughest thing I've ever done, I feel this decision saved my life. 

[What made you finally quit? What was your breaking point?]

I always had an intuition that what I was doing to my body wasn't good for me in the long run. I mean, I could feel the blood "whooshing" through my carotid when the meds would kick in. However, what ultimately made me stop was realizing the damage I was doing to my close relationships. My girlfriend revealed to me that she couldn't stand being around me when the meds were wearing off (or even when I was peaking, as I was edgy and argumentative). One event in particular made me stop all at once, it's embarrassing to think how I reacted to it in retrospect. I got a call one night at about 7pm that my father was hit by a truck when he was crossing the street (he ended up being okay, but I didn't know that at the time). I listened to what my mother said, I asked "Is he alive?" she paused and said "Yes but.. well.. do you want to.. you know.. come down here?" (the hospital was 30 mins away) and I responded with "Nah, he sounds like he's doing okay" and I said I gotta go and hung up, and went right back to playing my computer game. My girlfriend asked what happened and was stunned when I told her.. stunned that I just didn't give a shit.. and I got pissed and just ignored her because I was doing well that particular game I was playing. That's when I realized this drug turned me into an emotionally apathetic motive driven monster who didn't give a shit about anyone or anything that didn't pique my interest at the time.

[Request for encouragement for those in the 6-12 month slump (or longer!)]

 

Hello – I’m wondering if any posters out there have experience with hitting a slump or trouble 6- 12 months in. Ive never posted on these boards before, in fact, I’ve never posted on a message board in my life before but I think it would be helpful for people to hear about how there are sometimes ups and downs in the process and other peoples experience in the healing process. I have read the helpful timeline here: http://forum.quittingadderall.com/topic/3247-4-years-clean-a-recovery-timeline/?hl=%2Brecovery+%2Btimeline but appreciate any and all encouragement : ) I think other users would benefit from this information as well. How many of you had trouble still 9 months off? When did things “really†start to turn around? Is it reasonable to expect to not feel more confident until a year out? THANK YOU ALL! Blessings to you all

 

I can speak to this. I'm currently 10 months out and I'm still having trouble. My theory is we enter a stage of hypersensitivity at around 7-9 months where our brains go from being under-stimulated (i.e. removing stimulants) to over-stimulated, sort of like an over-corrective. I've noticed all my sensations seem to have increased reactivity to stimuli. I get ramped up really easily now. Loud, chaotic environments send me into a tailspin which results me turning into a wallflower. To be honest, I've given up just "waiting" for a turn around. I don't see that happening on its own. I find I have to work at it and carve my own path. I have to form healthy habits and stick to them. Do I fail at these habits? Sometime sure, but I hold myself to them. I don't downplay when I skip a workout or fail to turn in an assignment on time. I guess what I'm saying is what you're experiencing, from my perspective and the perspective of many others, is completely normal. Normal does not mean you should passively wait to feel better though. Form a routine (workout, meditate, walk around the park listening to audiobooks, biking, doesn't matter..) and stick to it for a while. I recently implemented meditating 10 mins a day using the Headspace app on android. Does it help? I'm sure it does, but just the act of doing it increases my discipline which, I believe, will facilitate recovery. We're in this together, and I'm glad to see someone else is at around the same timeframe I'm at. Best wishes to you and your recovery.

[300mg per day = DONE WITH AND LIVING!!!]

To clarify a previous post - when I said that I had no "obligations/responsibilities to fulfill", I meant "real" obligations to friend/family.  I had real obligations/responsibilities to fulfill in terms of job responsibilities .. Just no girlfriend/wife/kids/etc.

 

Anyway - I'm done with the nasal inhalers.... because I filled a scrip of Addy today.  Took 45 mg, went into zombie mode, been doing vodka shots for the comedown.

 

To my original post, I'm proof that it can be easy to kick the drug without many side effects - save for the one of laziness...

Forgive me if I'm not understanding your post.. but it sounds like you relapsed, so your last sentence "...I'm proof that it can be easy to kick the drug without many side effects - save for the one of laziness.." makes absolutely no sense. It is not easy to discontinue this drug, and implying that you can easily kick the habit with no adverse side effects is disingenuous, especially since you just refilled your script. Are you happy with your decision of going back on Adderall? I understand the temptation and I don't blame you for relapsing, because I still feel urges to hop back on the Addy-train, particularly when I'm about to do something that I don't believe I'm fully capable of doing. From the sounds of it, taking Adderall is not sustainable for you, period. Taking a stimulant in the morning to bring you up and chasing it with alcohol at night to bring you back down is absolutely going to send you into a tailspin. Maybe not today or this week, but soon. It's inevitable. Stop this shit and get back on track Phil Eaton, I truly, honestly, deep down feel you can do this life thing without stuffing yourself full of Adderall and alcohol.

 

Again, if I misunderstood your post, I apologize.

[I'm so hopeless]

Like all of you, adderall has ruined me. I've been addicted over a year now, I'm going to be 20 in a couple months. Without it I'm nothing. I can't get out of bed. I can't talk to anybody or do anything without it. Which unfortunately I deal with often, as my prescription is lower than I take to function on days I really need it. Days I'm not doing anything are days I just physically can't move, I can't just decide to leave my apartment if I need to save my adderall for work. One of them has to go. So many nights I stay up the entire time. I stay up usually because its a day I woke up too late and took adderall late, and the addy cracks me out and makes me insane until I fall asleep. Which when I get to the crazy part of the decline, my mind is racing 100000 miles an hour that it doesn’t matter if the adderall supposedly wore off 8 hours ago I havent slept yet or eaten anything still and I have to wake up tomorrow at a decent time. Ill stay up all night, wake up too late, repeat. When there’s too many days in a row where I can’t sleep in is when I really really lose it. Underslept and undernourished. Like tonight, it’s 2 AM now and my eyes are crossing from being so tired. I've worked three intensive back to back shifts for the first time in months. My body and stomach aches from no food or sleep for a few days, if I stand up even a little too fast I start to black out. Me writing all this was the effect of one of these episodes, too much of it all back to back to back. 1 hour of sleep, and no food. I’m seeing those little speckles of light when my body is draining and I am currently losing it, like I do more and more often. I know tomorrow when I’m refreshed and sober I probably won’t even really remember tonight, then just take adderall and start over. Hopefully I'll eat. My body is dying. Today I spent torturing my beloved boyfriend yet again. He would never leave me and I know this. Adderall has caused me to take advantage of this, it has caused me to become an addict and abuser (I am a child of abuse, but I truly don't believe I ever had it in me before adderall). It's not physical, but its just as horrible. Adderall cost me countless relationships, I stopped having any work ethic and dropped out of school. I was working barely any hours in the summer when I found out I was pregnant, about two months. Adderall and my lifestyle because of it cost me that baby. It was unplanned and I don't want a baby now, but nothing compares to this feeling. I killed my baby over time, starved it and deprived it and poisoned it until it died. Who knows what damage was actually done. Adderall killed my baby, it killed the love of my life's baby. And I'm killing the love of my life because of it. Abortion isn’t murder, what I did is. Everyday now is just another pointless day. I rarely find joy. If I do, it's quickly reminded how/why it shouldn't be there, and returns back to wherever it came from. Sometimes I think about killing myself, but I doubt I’d ever do it. I love all the people I hurt constantly too much. I care too much. Knowing how much it would hurt them is enough to never do it I think. Those things don’t give me any hope in mortal life though. I’m just riding the waves until finally everybody left that I’ve ever known gives up on me and I can just give up. I can't afford to not take it. It's not possible for me to go to work and pay all my bills without it. I just got a new job after not moving for well over a month after my miscarriage and just relying on others. I can't fuck it up yet. I feel like I might finally be making friends again after months of isolation and depression. I like how working distracts me from my thoughts, which is what I've been solely alone with for quite a few months. Living alone with my boyfriend for the first time, he was working 60 hours a week after dropping out of an amazing university for me to support us. That's another story, but I am a manipulative selfish person now. All I did was sit and rip my brain to shreds those couple months. Over my addiction and what it cost me. What its made me do. But right now I can’t function without it. There is no such thing as me anymore on a day I don’t take it. I could potentially talk about really anything else, but never my adderall. If I talk to a therapist about my biggest problem, the root of all wrong with me currently, she’ll take the adderall away from me. I am forever a prisoner of it. And it will eventually cost me the rest of my relationships, love, and life. It would take my ability to function away, literally take my life and whatever is left of me. I never want to have to go to rehab, I can't afford it and I can't have that stigma, I feel so private about this. I need to keep working and functioning and find a way to quit before I'm worse. That seems impossible. I made a big step today, I found this forum and I wrote a 8 page document about everything. It felt good to write it down. Good enough to tell my boyfriend about how severe this is, and it's nice to know that he will be here to support if I ever do this. I don't deserve him, and knowing this prevents me from proving I do. I push him away, always threaten our relationship to hurt him, say disgusting things to see his suffering. He'd never do anything like this to me. I truly just want him to get fed up with me and leave me. Just like all my friends did, just like I wanted. The day I was prescribed adderall was the day I lost who i truly was, I can’t believe this exists and is legal. I’d die before I ever prescribed a kid this. Who knows about anything I felt before, maybe I was even sane before this. I wouldn’t know, my mind is too skewed to distinguish what’s even real anymore. Other drugs feel good, I love drugs. All kinds. But adderall is all I actually need. If there’s ever a day I’m released from this trap- I will not get up, I will not speak, I will not succeed, I will slowly die within my mind until I die without it. but it’s fucking killing me

 

BTW- I always had bad ADD and refused medications. I couldnt really function without it anyways, it was pretty obvious to anyone I had this. But now I'm crazy, miserable, and can't function.

 

The good thing (the only good thing) about hitting rock bottom is you can't go any lower, and you then know what you're doing clearly isn't working for you. It sounds like you're there, so it's time for you to turn this fuckin' ship around and begin the healing process. 

 

Yes, it is time for you to quit taking Adderall. Starting today, if you haven't done so already. Stop taking Adderall. It's helpful that LILTEX compiled a list for you to see, because it's clear that it's favorable for you to stop taking it as opposed to maintaining on the course you're on. All the reasons you've listed for taking Adderall are just rationalizations for continuing its use, because you have no idea what you're capable of without it. Yeah, I had all the reservations you have listed for quitting Adderall, and they all ended up being completely blown out of proportion or just downright not true. I used those rationalizations for a long damned time before I quit. Your brain on Adderall has this insidious ability to rationalize its own use. It will convince you that you're nothing without it, that you never were anything till you used it. All bullshit. Yes quitting will be tough, but it cannot be any tougher than losing your unborn child, or losing your closest relationships, or making you want to kill yourself. One thing I've found is Adderall hinders your ability for growth in all aspects of your life. Adderall gives you that false sense/feeling of accomplishment, even if you haven't done anything. Dopamine (the neurotransmitter that Adderall impacts) gives you that "feel good" sensation after you accomplish something. If you take something that gives you that feeling independent of accomplishing something, then you'll never grow as a person. Call your Adderall use for what it is: You like the feeling it elicits.. that euphoric high. That feeling is what keeps us addicted. If you continue down this path, you'll find yourself isolated and alone from everything/everyone you once had and knew. Do not continue down the path you're on. Make the change now. Stop. Taking. Adderall.

 

The good news is your prognosis is looking good. 1 year of use? Yeah, you'll be fine if you stop now. I took it for 5 years at ever-increasing dosages and I've dug myself out. I'm 8 months out and am learning so much about myself. I'm growing as a person and the relationships I thought I've severed in the past due to my Adderall use are mending. My girlfriend and I are closer than ever. I'm finally beginning to flourish again. Am I 100% better? Not yet. But I'm on the rise. Quitting Adderall was the single best thing I've done for myself in years, perhaps my entire life. 

 

What worries me is this sentence "Other drugs feel good, I love drugs". This makes me believe that you're not serious about quitting, and will lower your chances of getting off Adderall. Yeah, drugs "feel good", but is that feeling really worth all this bad shit that's happening to you? I'm not here to lecture you on drug use, but if you're really serious about improving all this bad shit in your life, then you need to mature a bit and realize what you do in the short term to "feel good" has consequences down the road. 

 

Last thing is your boyfriend. Now, many guys that I've talked to have an extraordinary sense of resilience in relationships, and will stay with a toxic partner well past the time when they should've left. They do this because they have the belief that this isn't the person they initially got in a relationship with and if they ride out all the abuse for long enough, then the person they once knew will be back. If he's staying with you despite you abusing him, then he's waiting for that old you to come back, the Adderall-free you. Here's the kicker: There is a time limit to his tolerance of your shitty behavior towards him and in the end, you will win and he will leave. Neither of you want this. So stop torturing this guy and let him help you through this rough transition of quitting Adderall. If he stayed with you while you were actively abusing him on Adderall, he will gladly stay with you through the Adderall withdrawal process. 

[Hello]

Frank, I am absolutely experiencing a difficult time making decisions. I'm driving my clinical instructor and co-workers nuts lately with frequently changing my mind or generally not committing to an action or answer. It's weakening my position in their mind and my subordinates aren't trusting my judgment lately. I've been reading a few books lately trying to find a solution, but no strategy has yielded any significant results. My girlfriend has also noticed I'm experiencing trouble making decisions , which has affected our relationship because she's never been good at making decisions and liked how decisive I used to be. Truly frustrating.

[The Unrealistic Race to Normalcy]

The race to normalcy, that is the process of returning to our baseline after quitting Adderall, is often mistaken to be shorter and have more of a grand finish than should be expected in reality. 

 

From my understanding based on subjective reports of people on this board who've quit Adderall for an extended period of time, 2 years appears to be the point where normalcy is established. This is consistent with people who've suffered traumatic brain injuries, their recovery time to approximately normal is several years, though they typically experience the most dramatic recovery in the first year. In a way, we've given ourselves chemical brain injuries, so recovery to baseline (normal) should be expected in a matter of years. 

 

That brings up the point I wanted to make though.. this unrealistic view of "normal". Many of us (myself included from time to time) have this romanticized view of what normal is. We ask ourselves "when will I feel like going to the gym?" or "how long will it take for me to want to study?". I believe these questions stem from our history of relying on pills to supply a euphoric rush and the resulting motivation to want to do these things. But in reality, otherwise normal people encounter these problems on a daily basis. Best case scenario after quitting Adderall is we return to our baseline. Once we're at our baseline, the ball is in our court with regard to how we plan on self-motivating ourselves at that point. Motivation is cultivated through a combination of discipline and action, in other words, establishing good/healthy habits. Again, this is something that otherwise normal people struggle with on a daily basis. The difference is we (past Adderallics) have grown accustomed to relying on what we take impacting and increasing our motivation levels rather than what we should do to increase our motivation. This is both good and bad news. The good news is we are granted a second chance on turning the ship around and improving ourselves through our own actions. The bad news is that euphoric, maniacal rush that Adderall provided is gone, whether we get back on Adderall or not. Your original experience with Adderall is gone. You will never relive your beginning experiences with Adderall ever again. 

 

So the question you should ask yourself is What should I do to help restore or even improve my motivation levels?.... NOT When should I expect to feel motivated again?

[Work = My new unfavorite thing]

Probably a lot of pro golfers use adderall.  I know a ton of the professional poker players use it.  Its kind of an ideal poker drug because it allows you to stay awake and focused for so many hours.  

 

But you are hearing about it in more and more sports.  Both the NFL and MLB have suspended players.  According to Richard Sherman of the Seahawks everybody in the NFL is doing it.

 

And most recently, Simone Biles of the United States gymnastics team.

 

This brings up an interesting topic... I always get kind of jealous of successful adderall users.  It upsets me that I didn't maximize the benefits to do anything great while I was using.  I also have this screwed up way of thinking that 90% of successful people use adderall, which leaves me feeling like I'll never be highly successful without the drug.  But I know I've got to shake that way of thinking because its only going to cause me failure or worse yet a relapse.

 

You should be jealous of me, I was a very successful Adderall user. Well, hold on a minute.. you should be jealous of your former self while you're at it. From the sounds of it (based on your admission post in the stories section), you were quite successful while you were on Adderall. In fact, you should feel jealous of just about everyone on this forum, because they too were successful Adderall users... 

 

Why do you think I highlighted the was/were's in the above set of statements? Because everyone who first uses Adderall receives an initial boost in performance in their respective endeavors. We're here on this forum because those benefits come to a screeching halt once any/all drug user's worst enemy comes into play, and that enemy is tolerance. Professional athletes (or professionals in any area) are faced with pressures everyday to excel ahead of the competition. And if something were to come along that would guarantee a boost in performance that could better position yourself to excel ahead of the competition and is LEGALLY prescribed by a physician, then of course they would take it. Professional athletes aren't too concerned about tolerance and the damaging effects on their bodies because they're concerned with being better NOW. What about 5 years from now? Well I would bet all the money I would earn for the next 5 years that they too will be slammed with the devastating side effects we're all familiar with by now from their Adderall usage. But 5 years from now could very well represent the end of their professional athletic career, so they aren't too concerned about the long haul when there is so much at stake right now.

 

EDIT: Doh! I just read the " It upsets me that I didn't maximize the benefits to do anything great while I was using.  " 

My attention to detail isn't great lately without the Adderall. I'm also upset I didn't maximize the benefits to do anything great while I was using. Ehh, C'est la vie :-P

[i might go back on this shit]

I'm back on the shit. I will never get better without it. I was always u motivated before adderall

 

What exactly is the alternative though? Hopping back on Adderall is not a viable long-term option and you know this. Even if you do manage to take a "safe" and "reasonable" dose consistently, you will still have to deal with every drug user's worst enemy: tolerance. Any happiness you do manage to extract from taking Adderall again will gradually slip away and misery will take it's place. 

[No Desire To Work]

Couple questions: 

 

1. How old are you?

 

2. How long were you off Adderall?

 

After reading this, you remind me of.. well.. me. I, too, used to wonder what's the point of slaving away at work only to live for the weekend where we look forward to drinking ourselves to pleasant numbness only to return to work 48 hours later. Rinse and repeat.

 

But after entering the workforce and working at a job for 50+ hours a week I've come to realize that the concept of striving for "happiness" from life is flawed and can paradoxically lead to more suffering. Trying to be "happy" with such a dutiful life is like trying not to imagine a white bear if asked "Try not to depict an image of a white bear in your head". I've since then stopped striving for "happiness" and instead aim for something that the English language doesn't have a word for.. tranquility, flourishing, and/or fulfillment are three words that come close though. 

 

Then comes to how I do it. Do I have to force myself up in the morning? Sometimes, sure. It's like working out for me. There are many times I do NOT feel like going to workout but I go anyways, why? Because I'm committed to it. I do force myself to go, or at least at the beginning I did. But I've since then made it a habit to just go, whether I want to or not. I know it offers both mental and physical benefits, but that doesn't exactly motivate me to go when I do not want to go. So instead of trying to think my way through it (which will usually lead to me not going because of x or y reasons), I just go. And the going gets easier as time passes. As far as fear goes, I believe we do many things in life out of fear. Fear is a powerful motivator, and using fear as a motivator isn't a bad thing sometimes. I have a fear of returning back to my high school weight (very obese) and my high school mindset (not giving a fuck about anything), and I use that fear to get my ass in gear when I find myself slipping. 

 

Look man, you seem depressed. When I get depressed, I adopt the same tone you used in the post you made above, the "What's the point of anything, why the fuck should I give a fuck about anything, and why don't I like anything anymore?" view. The solution, I've found, is to start making small changes in your life and sticking to them. I advocate exercise because it works for me, but it could be anything (reading, walking outside, listening to interesting podcasts etc.). The trick is you have to stick to it, no matter what. Be ruthless with yourself when sticking to this change. Make it a habit. It'll show your brain that what you choose to do can directly impact your wellbeing instead of exclusively relying on pills for happiness. Feel free to message me with any questions you may have. I empathize with your situation, I really do. 

[i might go back on this shit]

Given that you made this post telling us you're wanting to take Adderall again rather than just taking Adderall and ditching this website, I'd assume you're looking for our insight and opinion on you going back on Adderall, so I'll give you my opinion..

 

No, you shouldn't go back on Adderall. 

 

First off, your name is Fuck Adderall. YOU made that name at the end or towards the end of your last Adderall use. Your past history of Adderall use is the best predictor of your future Adderall use, and it doesn't look good if you cursed the name of the drug that you plan on going back on. 

 

Second, I remember you made a post a long time ago saying something along the lines of "I think I found what I have going on with me" and you mentioned you thought you had Cushing's Disease. Now, assuming you don't have an adrenal or pituitary tumor, then it is safe to assume Adderall is what brought on your symptoms of Cushing's Disease, whether you had it or not. Are you really wanting to go back on a substance that brought on such miserable symptoms? You will absolutely acquire those symptoms of Cushing's again if you back on Adderall. 

 

Third, we all decided at one point to try to use Adderall in a safe and controlled manner, and we've all discovered that on a long enough timeline, you will develop a tolerance to the dose you're taking. 20 IR will give you an initial boost (though it will not feel as good as the first time you took it), and that's probably the feeling you're wanting right now. Though if you're going to be fair and balanced about this, also remember the feeling of when you crash. Absolutely miserable. You will crash and your studying will be done unless you take another pill, and so the cycle of addiction continues. 

 

I get it. Without Adderall, I've been dropping the ball on a few things in my life. I, too, have terrible ADD symptoms that do at times hinder my ability to deliver my best work. But now I'm learning to adapt from my mistakes and truly learn how to overcome them rather than take something that gives me that artificial feeling of accomplishment. 

 

You can accomplish what you want in life without Adderall. Do not go back to it. That is what I think.

[Had to Know, Now I know]

To Frank: no, I'm pretty even keeled. But I have noticed your passive aggression, I've noticed that the whole time I've been coming on this site during the last year.  you may want to look into that.

 

Frank is probably the most straight forward person on this board right now. He will speak his mind and I respect that. That's what I like about this message board - it's no bullshit. We're harshly committed to each other's success, and that means sometimes saying some things that need to be said and may not settle well with the person reading it, at least initially, but that kind of honesty is what we need to stay truly committed to bettering ourselves and ousting bad habits. 

 

What you seem to be doing is something called "shame dumping". Shame dumping is what someone does when they do something they perceive as wrong and instead of owning it, they lash out at others around them by saying how "bad" they are too. Frank wasn't trying to shame you or make fun of you, he was sharing his perspective based on what you typed. Your message seems to bounce all across the spectrum of happiness to depression. Besides, Adderall is an attractive option to people with bipolar disorder since it tends to push the person into a permanent manic state. I'm not saying you're bipolar, nor am I blindly siding with everything Frank says. But Frank isn't responsible for causing you to take Adderall.. he's not the enemy here, so don't attack him for sharing his perspective, especially when he concluded his statement with "I hope you find some peace". I too hope you find some peace, you seem to be in a very dark place right now. However, the night is darkest just before the dawn, so take what happened to you as a learning opportunity and never go back to those pills. Refer back to this message if you ever feel compelled to take Adderall again. 

[When did you feel ready to get your weight under control?]

By the way you're phrasing everything in your post, it seems like you're operating under the assumption "IF I wait long enough and recover, THEN I will feel motivated to really hit the gym and eat well enough to accomplish my weight loss goal". Now, this may be arrogant coming from me, seeing as how I'm not as far along in the recovery process. But, at least in the fitness realm, I truly believe that motivation follows action, not the other way around. Motivation to workout has to be cultivated, and to do that, it might be in your best interest to find a workout program and stick to it for a while. It sounds like you're ready right now. Be firm on yourself with going to the gym, at least until you establish it as a habit. However, don't beat yourself up if the workout you did wasn't a "good workout". At least you went, which is more than the vast majority of people around the world could say. What dooms our best efforts to workout is the thought process "I'm too damned tired to workout". No, you're not. You believe you're too tired because you believe (if you're like me) if you go to the gym exhausted, then you won't get a good workout, and what's the point. You may go to the gym feeling crappy and tired and you may very well leave crappy and tired (though this is rare). So be it, at least you worked out. 

[Monthly Check-in / one year update]

Duffman,

 

Boy, can I relate to some of the problems you are facing. Back when I was using, the only real reason I kept on using it for 3-4 years was because of fear. I was fearful of being mediocre. I didn't think I was capable of doing anything without the pill. The thing is, I was completely set on going to medical school, which would mean that I intended on using adderall as a crutch for another 5-7 years. Then I thought to myself, if I didn't think I was capable of completing medical school without the crutch of adderall, was it really worth it? I mean even if I did graduate from medical school, would I truly ever finish taking it? It's not as if once you're done with the program life becomes easy. Doctors work long hours, so that would mean that if I wasn't confident in my natural abilities, I would be doomed to a life of adderall. 

 

That has led me to where I am now. After quitting, I realized medical school wasn't for me. It all came down to whether I wanted to live to work, or work to live. I decided that the latter of the two resonated better with me, and that I would need to seek out a career choice that was truly what I wanted. In all honesty, I never TRULY wanted to become a doctor - that was only the Renascido that was hypercritical and had a superiority complex. I'm now on my way to occupational therapy school, which I think is a far better fit for me. 

 

Anyways, this isn't an attempt at giving you advice, as I really don't have any idea what you're going through or what you're capable of. I just really hope you get it taken care of. I may not know you as a person, but from what I've seen from your posts on this forum, the sober duffman is a highly cerebral and analytical person. I believe you are capable of accomplishing whatever program you're going through without the dex. Please do yourself a favor and get rid of it. Even if you were ever removed from the program, the program could never take who you are as a person away from you - only the amphs can do that. Good luck, brotha.

Wow. You REALLY can relate to my situation, because it almost mirrors your situation.

 

First of all, I'd like to say congrats on OT school. I work alongside OT's all day determining the best plan of care for my patients and for discharge expectations (home vs. rehab vs. skilled nursing etc.). I have much love for OT's and what you guys do. (I'm in physical therapy school, as you've probably read in previous posts). 

 

I appreciate the 'analytical/cerebral' compliment. I just don't feel as intelligent off Dexedrine/Dextroamphetamine, though in the back of my mind I know that stimulant meds give you the heightened perception that you're a lot smarter than you really are. I'm working on regaining my self-confidence/self-worth off these meds, and it isn't easy. I'm used to popping a pill and waiting for that confidence to reveal itself 15-30 mins later. It doesn't help that I stopped taking anti-depressants and benzos a few months before quitting stimulants. Learning to source my own confidence and have trust in my natural abilities is an ongoing battle.

 

I got into medical school before I got into PT school. I was very fortunate to have a frank discussion with the head of internal medicine at the hospital I was working at prior to starting med school. He helped me realize that I was chasing a mentality (being in charge, satiating my ego, money) rather than choosing what I really wanted to do. After working as a PT, I know I chose the correct path. Doctors are in the business of keeping patients alive by any means (prescribing TONS of medications and doing invasive procedures) while PTs/OTs are in the business of enhancing patient's quality of life. We therapists are not inferior to physicians, rather our roles are just different. 

 

I appreciate your response Renascido. Keep me updated on your progress. 

[Curious Question - Diet and Exercise]

What does your daily diet consist of?

• Breakfast is generally high protein/fat. For example, this morning I had steak, eggs, and a sliced up avocado. Generally speaking, I have some form of meat + eggs + avocado with coffee + almond milk. 
  
• Lunch is either meat + veggies or a high protein salad. 
  
• Dinner is usually meat (whatever is on sale) with veggies and/or rice. 
  
• Drink about a gallon of water a day (thinking about reducing my water intake, as I have to use the restroom every couple hours it seems.)
  
• I sip on coffee all morning.
  
• I have one cheat meal per week where I go all out. I might have to rein this in a bit sadly, as I'm not satisfied with my current weight. 
  

Do you get regular phisical activity that is significant?  What kind?

• I do 5 heavy weight lifting days a week (high weight, low reps), though I'm going to change this up to mid weight, higher reps soon in hope of shredding down a bit. Ever since I quit Dexedrine/Adderall I seem to put on muscle AND fat much easier, so I'm doing whatever I can to slow the fat gain while maintaining muscle growth.
  
• Cardio I do 0-4 times per week, depending on how many hours I work. I TRY to accumulate an hour of cardio a week, but this is simply not feasible if I'm working more than 50 hours a week.
  
• That all being said, I would do whatever workout plan you see yourself doing consistently. Consistency is 90% of fitness success. A workout program that you can stick to for 3 months is FAR superior than a more intense workout program that you stick to for 3 weeks.
  

Do you take supplements?  What kind?

• I take 2000IU vitamin D3 and fish oil daily. Aside from those two, I take other supplements as needed, exclusively from the Legion product line (not a paid sponsor for Legion). Legion supplements don't have a "proprietary blend", so I know exactly what/how much is in each pill. 
  

[My comeback story (in progress)]

I find it absolutely incredible that I can relate so much to people's experiences with respect to quitting stimulant medications. I'm a few days shy of my 7 month mark, and the phrase "the night is darkest just before the dawn" hopefully holds true in my case. You're at a pivotal moment in your recovery. I won't lie to you, beginning at the 3rd month, you will start to really be tested on your devotion to recovering. I'm no expert on recovery from this substance, nor am I sufficiently "healed" myself. However, I want to lend you some things that have gotten me this far. They may or may not help you, but I at least wanted to share what has worked for me. 

 

Here are some tips I've discovered along my journey that may benefit you:

 

• Exercise. ANY form of exercise will benefit you. I'm not going to lecture you on the physical benefits of exercise, because I suspect you already know moving around more or moving heavy objects will cause your body to adapt to the physical stress thus making you stronger/fitter. However, what's important here is what you're establishing in your brain in response to exercise. You're rewiring your brain to recognize WHAT YOU DO can have a profound impact on how you feel instead of exclusively WHAT YOU TAKE having an impact on how you feel. I'm prone to depressive spells (as can be intuited by a few of my posts on this forum) and the only relief I get is from exercise, cardio more-so than weight lifting, but both contribute. It's not a cure for these depressive spells, but I feel like it gives me some control over how these depressive spells affect me. 
• Learning to say No to people's requests. Back when I was high on Adderall, I felt like I had the energy and productivity capacity to take on anything and everything. When people would request something from me, I would reflexively say "When do you need it done by?". Sometimes I would arrogantly take on other people's problems without them asking me, because I felt like I was more capable of handling their problems than they were. Now that I am in recovery, I'm discovering that I am vulnerable to burn-out and I do have a finite capacity to get things done, so I'm having to tell people that I simply cannot do this or that they want me to do, or least I will do it later. This is especially true for people who are used to you being the go-to-guy or woman at work. 
• Meditation. This isn't easy to do, especially after quitting adderall. However, it helps me become less identified with my thoughts. It's not guaranteed to work right away. Sometimes, it irritates me because it shows how easily distracted my mind has become. But that is precisely the point. 

Overall, congratulations on your progress thus far!! Whatever you're doing is working, so keep at it and visit the site often. I, too, would've relapsed by now if it wasn't for this site. 

[Monthly Check-in / one year update]

This, overall, has not been a stellar month for me. I was given a midterm performance review from my clinical instructor and the overall consensus is I'm performing slightly below expectations. This was a crushing blow to my ego and has cast a whole lot of doubt into the prospect of my recovery. In fact, I was on Adderall/Vyvanse/Dexedrine for so long (~6 years?) that I don't even remember what my normal was.. I mean, is this it? I was an underachiever prior to college and I feel like I'm morphing back into that unmotivated slug I used to be. I'll admit, I have 2 pill bottles full of dexedrine in the back of my cabinet, serving as a last resort if I'm about to be kicked out of my program due to the effects of withdrawal. It beckons to me.. to draw an analogy (for you Lord of the Rings fans out there), I feel like Gollum after he surrendered the ring to Frodo, happy at first that he was liberated from the ring, only to be drawn back to its power again once he realizes who he is without it. 

 

I feel like I'm losing my mind.. no not in the "going crazy" sense, but like my mind is closing off from the world again. When Renascido said he misses feeling uninhibited again, it absolutely resonated with me. I feel like Adderall/Vyvanse/Dexedrine served as a key to unlock my mind. Back when I first was taking these damned stimulant drugs, I would pop my pill, wait for it.. wait for it.. BAM! An explosion of energy would surge through my veins! I felt so alive! I wanted to take on anything and everything. Nothing was out of my grasp. No one was too intimidating. I was free! At last!!!

 

Notice how I highlighted the word 'first' in the above paragraph.. that is the operative word.. when I FIRST took the drugs, I felt all those wonderful sensations. However, and this is one of the biggest reasons why I haven't hopped back on the stimulant train, that feeling is gone.. forever. It's gone. Last time I relapsed (earlier this year), I wrote a note to myself that I've kept on my laptop for me to see when temptation would inevitably arise. It reads "That feeling? Yeah.. it's gone. There's nothing but sadness and isolation that comes from these pills. Do. Not. Take. These. Pills. Ever. Again."

 

So where does that leave me now? Well, I seem to fluctuate all the time, but primarily I'm anxious and unsure about most everything. I can't seem to make decisions which is a big problem for my work life. People rely on my expertise and I can't seem to deliver. I'm an actor now.. constantly having to act like all is well. Not a very good actor though, because I can just feel people detecting my insecurity if I hang around them long enough. The best I can seem to do is act aloof, which has its own problems that comes along with it. I feel like my comedic timing and quick wit has dulled drastically. Every time I try to say something clever or profound, I usually stumble over my words which results in me getting a courtesy laugh at best. I can't sleep. Two nights ago I took Ambien, something I thought I swore off along with stimulant medications, but I needed to sleep. Bad. My eyes had dark circles underneath them and both my eyes were bloodshot. 

 

This will seem silly, but I seem to have a mild superhero complex. I have big ideas I wanted to share with the world and big aspirations for myself in the future. On stimulants, all those ideas and aspirations seemed to be attainable. Now? I fear I will be resigned to normalcy for the rest of my life. I had this notion that if I quit the pills, then all would be good in my life. This was a ridiculous notion because, well, removing these pills doesn't address the underlying issues I have. 

 

As you can probably infer based on the tone of this post, I'm depressed today. If you're new to recovery, please don't take what I'm saying as a reason to hop back on the pills. I would've hopped back on the pills if I thought they were worth it. 

 

EDIT: Forgot to include what I meant to say from the beginning. Congrats on one year Renascido! Your will to avoid Adderall despite going through such drastic career changes demonstrates great fortitude. 

[Everyone doing ok?]

I noticed today is my 6 month anniversary of quitting Adderall so I figured I would pop on here. I'll be honest, this clinical rotation is pushing me to my limit. Terrible is a bit dramatic and not wholly accurate.. If I were to sum it up thus far in one word, I would say it's 'uncomfortable'. At times, it's probably the most uncomfortable I've ever been. I'm bouncing between fatigue and anxiety, and finding that sweet spot (tolerable spot?) with coffee is not easy and not guaranteed to happen. I'm working on the Neurological ICU and Acute floor at a trauma level 1 hospital, so many of my patients are really debilitated. My workload feels insurmountable at times. Sometimes I feel more like the patients I work with than the other physical therapist I work under. I'm just not feeling comfortable in my own skin and I'm sure the lack of sleep due to the ever-worsening insomnia I'm experiencing lately isn't helping my cause.

 

THAT BEING SAID.. I am extremely stoked that I'm being able to do what I'm doing now without Adderall. I don't have to dread the Adderall crash at the end of the day anymore. I am proving to myself that I can handle professional life without popping manic-inducing pills every couple hours. I am free and I never intend on going back. Also, today wasn't a bad day.. dare I say it was a pretty good day. I'm hoping these days become more frequent. Sure I'm not experiencing that rush feeling that Adderall so readily provided, but at a few points throughout my day I felt like I was thriving again. I missed that feeling so much.

 

Oh, and Danquit, you're not alone with what you're feeling. http://forum.quittingadderall.com/topic/3490-i-feel-nothing-and-its-a-terrible-feeling/This is a post I wrote when I was around your quitting time frame.