amandal1130

I totally hear you. I started at 17, I'm 28 now, and I can 100% relate to feeling suicidal, empty, and just totally screwed into nothingness. The worst part about it for me is career. Adderall made me feel like I was getting somewhere, financially, career wise, etc., but now it feels like it was all just fantasy. I'm halfway through law school and taking a semester off because I screwed up my grades so badly during adderall withdrawal. I'm staying with my parents in Florida and working at my Dad's law office. Every day I'm plagued with this terrible anxiety/depression about wtf my life is about and where it's all leading. I have no idea if I have any ability to handle law whatsoever off adderall. The only things that seem to help are 1) remembering that I could have continued on like this even longer, and dug myself into a deeper hole, 2) recognizing that I'm catching up on a ton of repressed depression/anxiety/hopelessness that adderall was covering up, and that, every time I just allow myself to feel it, I'm chipping away at the darkness, 3) going through this site, 4) going for a run first thing in the am. I have to promise myself that I will walk as much of the run as I want to. But getting outside and moving before your mind has a chance to beat you up for feeling so useless and dead actually does wonders for wellbeing throughout the day, and 5) majorly lowering my expectations. If I can get through this without making my life WORSE, i.e. by gaining a ton of weight, losing money, losing relationships, becoming an alcoholic (because that is so freakin tempting right now) etc., then I will have beaten something I could have died with. I also believe in reincarnation, so from a spiritual perspective I always remember, I could off myself, or keep taking adderall, or trade adderall addiction for another addiction, but that would just be delaying the inevitable. I find a lot of solace in the spiritual text A Course in Miracles. I do it every morning even when I absolutely hate it because the days I don't do it just suck terribly. And the Course in Miracles talks so much about the inevitability of change. It also talks about how whatever you're going through is the absolute perfect lesson for you at the moment. So I just try to think, I don't understand why I chose this path, and this lesson, at this time, but I can't possibly figure any of that out. I just have to surrender to it. Because there literally is no other option. Idk if that makes sense. This is probably really depressing advice. But point is you're not alone.

Well I hate to admit that I might be able to relate to your wife... I started adderall at 17, met my ex fiancee at 21. He was never a big adderall supporter but didn't start getting vocal about it until we moved in together, about four years into our relationship. Then we got engaged, I started law school, and we moved to the suburbs. I was 26. We were both artistic souls trying to get a foundation beneath us. All the creativity was zapped from our relationship when we got engaged--the whole thing became about saving money, kids, the wedding, etc.. I don't blame anyone but for me it was just too much. I went from 25-30mg per day to around 50, 60 tops. And I'm small. Halfway through the first year my doctor prescribed prozac to treat the panic attacks I'd started having. I believe the prozac made me at least slightly manic and when i started trying to wean off the adderall in my second year I had a full on hypomanic episode. At that point I didn't care about my relationship at all. In my eyes he was just completely unsympathetic to the pressure that led me into what felt like an impossible situation and he had to go. I will say that in hindsight his pressure was a huge reason for my decision to get off the meds. However, it was the (very understandable on his part) lack of sympathy that led me to withdraw. I came around when I spoke to a few enlightened friends who gave it to me straight while at the same time making me feel completely understood. I have no idea if this reflects your situation at all. But I can say in hindsight that for my fiancee to have looked honestly at all that was on my plate, to look past what appeared to be psychotic behavior and acknowledge (and seriously help alleviate) the level of pressure I was under would have been a miracle. For BOTH of us. My ever increasing adderall dosage led me to take on most of the household responsibilities in addition to law school work. My fiancee increasingly invalidated what I did with my time and my life. I felt like he didn't see me, he saw "drug addict." And he had a major family history of drug addiction that I felt he was bringing in. My advice, if ANY of this resonates, is to pull all of your spiritual resources to the table and do your best to see things from her point of view. I do agree with all of the posters here. This is no joke and you must protect yourself and your children. However, when dealing with your wife, remembering a) WHY is she in this situation and WHY am I in the situation will go a long way in remembering the humanity that led you to each other.

Without adderall... I can go on my computer, walk into a store, watch an infomercial, etc....without spending money I don't have. I can have a conversation without discussing all of the many (empty) plans I have to validate my existence via money/business. I can have a conversation, period, without worrying that I'm either too much/not enough and calculating the dosage of adderall and/or xanax I should take to remedy the situation. I can wake up in the morning and feel the fact that I have zero motivation for the day without seeking a chemical solution. I can realistically assess the role of alcohol in my life. I can honor my emotions and intuition regarding the various aspects of my existence without believing the proper dosage of the perfect drug will set me straight. I can interact with loved ones, or fail to, without feeling in the back of my mind like they are a distraction. I can eat less perfectly and exercise less and remember that at least I'm not poisoning myself with chemicals every day. I can recognize that the love of my family and friends is genuine and unconditional because I'm no longer super Amanda and they seem to love me anyway. I can at least entertain the thought of living for non productive reasons. I can get in a car or on a plane without obsessively worrying about death. I can read a book for fun. I can find it boring. I can stop reading. I can start doing something else and get bored. I can be bored. I can imagine having kids without the anxious dread of quitting adderall. ....this was a very good exercise.

I've been smoking a bit. I quit nearly 11 years of 30-60mgs of adderall cold turkey three months ago. About three weeks ago I caved and started taking 20mgs daily because the withdrawal was so debilitating. I'm down to 5-15mg per day and it still pretty much sucks. Just not as bad as cold turkey. I feel the dopamine rush of smoking in a way I didn't necessarily feel it when I smoked on adderall. Smoking helps me feel a bit more at peace with the larger picture. Ie this is going to take time, every minute counts, it's better to be sitting here staring at a tree than out making a mess, at least I'm not obsessively purchasing throw pillows, yada yada. I try not to smoke during the day just because I feel at this point getting through the day without binging on adderall has to be its own accomplishment for me, personally. Smoking is my, ok, you did it, now what?... philosophical reward of sorts. Part of an overall depressing dynamic, but this is where I'm at. Just really, really trying to accept the moment and embrace the little rewards for making it through. I agree wholeheartedly however, with the posters who have talked about the sugar/wheat issues. I find any sugar/wheat I consume post adderall at least seems to turn directly into fat. Fat exacerbates the massive fatigue and self hatred. So like many I'm doing the best I can to scrape together a healthy eating regimen despite the fact that I care about next to nothing. Cooking is actually quite soothing despite how depressing it is. Depressing because who cares? But soothing because if I'm not cooking I'm going to eat like crap WHILE doing absolutely nothing productive which then equals feeling like way more crap. So that's my compromise. Self, you can smoke a little weed. You can drink a little wine. You must continue on your adderall withdrawal journey. And you cannot eat wheat or sugar until you care seriously about something beyond getting through the day.