Hi Everyone,
First off, I found this site about 8 months ago and have read through numerous stories. I commend each of you for sharing, being open and honest, and having the courage to get off this drug (whether successful or not) you are trying.
I decided to finally create an account to ask for help/your honest opinions. I feel like I'm going crazy lately. Been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 2 years now and it's been a constant up and down rocky ride. Long story short (at least I hope it's short) I had a feeling my bf was on something when we met. It took about 3-4 months until he admitted he's diagnosed with adhd and has been on Adderall after deciding to go back to law school. He's now 36 and when we met had been practicing law for 3 years. He's been on Adderall for about 6 years. I didn't know about the drug but asked how much he took and it started with '1-2' pills. 20mg each instant release. I had a feeling he wasn't being honest and did something bad by going behind his back and counting the pills (I know not good). A lot more were missing but he said he has pills at his office, in his suit pockets, etc and that's probably why the number is off. This past December he finally admitted to me he's prescribed 3 pills daily so 60 mg. at this point, I'd read so much online and it was crazy how much I read mirrored what I experienced with him...irritability, short temper, when he's mad at me and reacts he says terrible things, exhaustion, inability to wake up, works late hours since he can't wake up, vape smoking all the time, drinks with the pill, obsessed with his car, I feel like we rarely spend quality time and he gets mad saying he's busy with work and has other things in his life, we only have sex 1-2 times a week all the other times he's too tired or his stomach hurts, etc...anyway, I shared with him my concern of his long term use and doseage, and even printed out a bunch of articles and peoples stories to read, but he barely glances at them and when he did briefly look it over, said none of it really applied to him. This year, we started couples counseling and I brought up the Adderall (in my opinion this is what's ruining our relationship) but the therapist seemed to think his doseage didn't exceed the maximum amount. I also found out there are days he takes more than 3 pills when work is tough but he claims never more than 4. The agreement was he had to tell me when he took more than 3 pills (the therapist suggested this). The first week it was 3 days and I made a comment that I thought he said it wasn't often he took more than his prescribed amount, which made him mad and of course, now he doesn't share with me how many he's taking. I know he takes them to hang with his friends, to play golf, to do anything.
I guess I'm on here wanting an honest opinion. I feel like I've turned crazy and he's made me feel like I'm controlling and nagging by always questioning him (what time he went to work, what time he woke up, etc). I can't help myself since I love him but I feel like I don't always trust him even though I want to. I'm 35 and want a family and to take care of kids you need balance and need to know how to manage your time. I question him because I so badly want him to make an effort to get up and get to work so he can leave at a reasonable hour and spend time with me. But more often than not, it's me wanting more time and him saying he needs a partner who is understanding he is busy at work, etc. he's blown up at me and told me to get the fuck out of his house. Then he'll call the next day to apologize and I go right back (yes I'm working on my codependent issues). I feel like he spends more time obsessing about his car and cleaning and refilling his vape pen than he does with me. There are times though when he is really kind and loving and holds me and gives what I need. I hold onto these times as this is why I love him. He isn't close to his family, only on holidays they see each other, and his buddy's don't know the extent of his pill useage. I'm the only one who sees him regularly and experience the mood swings and lack of motivation to do much.
Do you guys think this is Adderall abuse? Or perhaps he's just like this and I blame it on Adderall...he thinks I over analyze and make everything about his pills. He says he would want to be around me more if I stopped being so controlling. I know I'm controlling but also feel like I'm being manipulated and mind fucked. I'm so confused...please help with any opinion if you've experienced this in a romantic relationship.
So much for making a long story short. Thanks for reading and best of luck to everyone out there.
- yogi Chris
