[The story of me]

Hey PD5!! I'm here and I am so glad you came on here to tell us your story , even just the parts that seemed relevant during the time you took to type things out... 

I am 29 and right now as nauseous as I've felt (feeling this way every day for years for atleast an hour or so a day) but today it's been BAD. Like I can't swallow well bad. Like my head is as heavy as I've ever felt it and my actual brain feels dizzy... and I just took .5 mg of alprazolam to calm down.  I'm so glad to have found your post. 
 

I have been taking adderall for what feels and I think might be 12 ish years.... I take 70-120+ mg a day and have been for so long.  I count how many pills I have untill my next fill every day, sometimes a few times a day.  I also am prescribed up to 1.5mg or alprazolam a day (I used to not even think of it or take a tiny little piece, but I have gotten into the habit of taking .5mg during day and maybe another at night.  If I'm really feeling scared about how worried and sad I feel, I'll take the whole pill with a glass of wine and maybe a bowl of weed ready.  
 

All of this is so silent and so underpinning. Nobody knows what doing and how im abusing drugs to get through my life right now: my boyfriend and maybe my best friend... but also the people on this site ... @DelaneyJulietteespecially has brought so much value to my life, reminding me that my perspective can shift and I can feel good about myself.  
 

I know what you mean about not feeling a genuine laugh or smile. I have been saying this for so long, I don't remember what it feels like to have a big belly laugh. I don't have the discipline to not try to feel something better every five seconds. I feel like my soul is going to die eventually, even though I still want SO much out of life... I'm not okay.  Good for you for taking this time and getting off of it, even if for short spurts.  

[Old posts]

7 hours ago, sirod9 said:

GeorgiaRigby - I'm on 9 months, and while I know I will experience more PAWS in the future, I feel like I've hit a new level of healing. IT GETS BETTER. this month has been noticeably better. My energy level, happiness level, all of it. I can't say I am out of the woods, but each period of restoration gives me strength to go through the periods of recovery (PAWS). Keep that in mind when you are at your worst. It is just a slow passing cloud and your body is healing. It feels awful and is not optimal, but it will pass!

I tell myself this all the time the past week or so, that it will pass!  @DelaneyJulietteHas said this same thing to me many times.  I almost remind myself as I am feeling these waves of sadness and weirdness that it must just be my mind and brain healing and repairing itself.  Thank Goodness for you guys.  Soul family.  There is nothing like this drug and the way it has taken over life as I've known it.

[Adderall 12 step zoom mtg? (Not NA)]

16 hours ago, DelaneyJuliette said:

I'm starting a group chat - if anyone feels comfortable enough, please feel free to message me and send me your number and I will add you!  (I'll give you my name and number as well.)  We can beat this thing and we are NOT ALONE!

Yes, I want to be in!! 

[Old posts]

I'm here you guys. I've made a few different accounts also- equally devastating to read back some of that stuff. I feel it also but I'm here.. I'm going to keep showing up on this site every day. All it takes is a handful of us. We can do that. But I definitely need the love if I'm going to make it through.  I have never help me order in my entire life. The underlying sadness just trying to taper  feels like it might kill me. Sending love.

[7 Weeks Pregnant & Confused]

On 7/3/2021 at 9:01 PM, GeorgiaRigby said:

Hi everybody! I really wanted to start out by saying that the work the administrators do for this site and within these forums is just phenomenal; I'm truly inspired and in complete admiration of all of you on here sharing your stories and helping each other get through this.  I don't really know where else I would turn.  I come onto this site often...

 

I've been feeling overwhelmed for years, especially the last two. I wake myself up sobbing and fall asleep that way too. I've been taking Adderall or Vyvanse since I was 17, and I'm 28 now.  I've been at a pretty high dose this entire time, really. 60-75 MG (some days, much more)  I've somehow managed to find five separate doctors throughout the different periods in my life, (high-school, start of college in Tucson, Arizona, 2 separate doctors I found in Los Angeles (one after I moved to another, further out location), and then again back here in Minnesota. It does seem like I've been abusing this entire time. Mostly around 70 mg daily, in addition to an alprazolam prescription that I take as well (.5-1.5 mg) . That's been long-term as well. 

 
I found out a couple of weeks days ago that I'm pregnant. I got off my birth control a couple of months ago, and we were not trying at all. I've been on and off so many forums looking up whether or not you can even take during pregnancy.  Of course, the assumption would be that continuing the medication would be harmful to baby.  On top of that, I don't know what I need to do here. I don’t know how I can go through with this, I feel disgusting as a person for thinking this way… I am terrified and afraid every day. I don't know how to exist in the world that I have created for myself- a pretty small one.  

With regard to the pregnancy, I can't stand myself for having to think this way, but I have scheduled and rescheduled several appointments to terminate.  I have one for Thursday of this coming week. I don't know what I should do.  I want to be a mom terribly, but not like this.  I'm so afraid of the journey ahead: I don't even have stable work and it overwhelms me tremendously to think of the number of ways to make an income and the number of days I've gone without one.  

 
I am so afraid of everything, and my anxiety is killing me. I am in bed now, knowing that I have this soul inside of my body and I'm not sure what to do. I haven't been taking my medications and I don't know how I will sleep.  My heart feels gone from my body.  I've come on here so often, and really just can't believe the people who are not only sharing their stories by helping other people get through this. Taking away the Adderall, marijuana, the constant stimulation of television and films, books laying about; I don't know how to even be a person.  
 
 
Things tend to overwhelm me, which is why I'm starting to cry again. I'm second-guessing why am even writing this. I sound and feel so helpless. My motivation is so minimal that as much as I come up with in my head that I should be learning, doing, seeing, visiting - I stay stuck.  
 
I don’t really expect much can be replied to here!  I know I have said a lot without asking much at all.  I just feel so alone in my mind and heart.  I don’t know how to survive this.  Sending love and will return again and again!  

 

Thanks, Erin.

Yeah, I fucking can't believe it but I would have had a newborn by now.  I need to come back on here to write later tonight.  

[Hey Everyone! I'm now adderall for several months...]

5 hours ago, spiritualseeker123 said:

Hello Mike!  If I may ask, how many mg were you taking?  How many months did it take for you to feel basically back to "normal'?

I'm so glad you found this post!!! Thank you for bringing light back to this!!

[Zoom Meetup]

Yep me too!!

[I don't know how to title this...]

How is this second day going??? I loved what you said and reminded us of, "that was then and this is now" because that actually kind of makes it more interesting., Also, what would it mean for us if this Drug actually didn't have that much of an effect on us and it was all in our head... What if it was a placebo?  What if we have no idea the PAWS will be all that strong?  What if nothing happens?  What it right. This. Moment. We could just BE

[DAY 1 (again, but I'm pumped.)]

I am too. I decided to watch this movie and the girls are "not even 29 but 28" and one is a receptionist and she's just feeling like she can't sit on the floor in airports anymore or wear jumpers and it totally messed me up this morning. I can't believe how I've always felt about myself and facing this last year in my twenties is really fucking with me... I take the little orange pill when I want to stop feeling like a worthless, friendless person.  And bam, I come on here and act absurd and randomly write things like this.  Where do you go when you want to go back?

[DAY 1 (again, but I'm pumped.)]

Yes we can!!!! I didn't take my pills today, either! It's one day for me also.  You are worth it!!!!!!

[so nauseous :(]

This mean

On 2/4/2022 at 12:59 PM, DelaneyJuliette said:

I am so so so glad u posted this here!!!  I have felt exactly like u before and I just want u to know that u can find your way back to yourself!  Sending so much love.  (I've told u this before, but keep doing that podcast - You are an eloquent writer and I very much look forward to reading your quit lit memoir in a few years.  You can have someone edit and synthesize the stuff later!)  Right now, try to focus just on what's next.  What's the next best thing u can do to make a plan that is realistic?

You have encouraged me like no other.  I am so thankful for you!!! This really pushes me to do this damn thing.  I can't be all that terrible because like you said, theres not a whole lot of quit lit out there!!! You could do this too. I love reading your words.

[so nauseous :(]

On 2/17/2022 at 10:58 PM, eyelashaddict said:

Omg, I can relate so hard to everything you're saying. I'm obsessed with my appearance but have no idea if I actually care. I literally booked an appt for tear trough fillers for April while I was tweaking and now I guess I gotta go thru with it. I just feel like I have to look a certain way for anyone to give af about me. You're not alone. <3 We have souls beneath all this.

 

*I just want to add that even through withdrawal you're not useless at all. Reading this post has helped me as I'm sure it has many others. 

I literally am too.. I am so thankful for your post on here, I NEEDED to hear your kind words.  I couldn't relate more to what you're saying... I am constantly trying to think of all the tweaks and surgeries I could get that would give me just some sort of comfort and a final put together.  It's always sort of this underbelly of everything I try to do in life.  It's unbearable.  I feel the same that I need to look a certain way for people to care, notice, accept, love. Yeppp.... And inside my mind and heart I'm just messy and all over the place.  And I feel like I'm not relating to other people (atleast I'm just hard enough on myself to constantly wonder that...) Thank you for saying that what I wrote helped you.. I am going to stay much closer to these and work on truly writing things out and not being a million thoughts in every direction but too lazy to sit down and write. Thank you so much for encouraging me.  

[so nauseous :(]

I am at my desk at a new job that is a good opportunity for me. I’ve been working on real estate, but that will take time to build up and honestly my bravery in doing that was surprising.  I know I can make that a venture that I find purpose and success through, but I didn’t want to not diversify myself with other opportunities and develop my skillset further. I am not an expert on any one thing, my talents haven’t necessarily been nurtured because of my own undoings. 

 

  I knew as soon as I took this job that I would need to figure out a plan. This week, I've been taking upwards of 90mg ^ a day... For. no. reaI. reason.   have been absolutely abusing my medication for years. [ 60 + mg a day + (.5-1.5 mg alprazolam)...  I spend 250 dollars a month to get more because I run out.  I take a half while I’m at a stop sign getting ready to meet someone for coffee, I’ll take one to wake up in the morning and be a person, I’ll split another to take in the bathroom or the restaurant when I’m out to eat with my boyfriend and feeling mopey and empty inside.  When will I be a person again?  I was waking myself up crying for a long time over the past few years, for weeks or periods of time. I’ve had two abortions because I am so confused in my mind and this is the last year of my twenties. I have had trouble with myself and my mental health since I was young.  I have seen therapists and doctors over and across my life, and medications have been a constant for me-almost 12 years of pretty heavy shit. I spend too much time on my appearance and worrying about that to compensate for the chaos inside my heart.  I constantly worry about my hair, buying new makeup/researching makeup/skincare, botox, thinking about plastic surgery’s I’d like to get, whether or not I’m fuckable… Yeah, it’s not cute and I’ve probably lost you as I sound like a complete narcissistic bitch of a person. I promise that I’m not, deep in my soul I am someone with a lot of love to give and a lust for life….

  I am feeling so physically sick right now I could cry.  I am frightened by the way that I am abusing my own body.  I swallow a little doll there and a little doll here to feel good enough to walk into a room or to wake up from an alprazolam induced slumber (no REM sleep). My best friends are these pills... And they don't like me very much at all...

 I vocalize these things constantly to myself, but I am not sure how, after all these years, I will get through the comedown which supposedly can take 1-3 years… Recovery is of course nonlinear, but the thought of a month or two of being physically, mentally, and emotionally useless terrifies me.  I don’t have much confidence in myself because of the artificial dopamine I ingest to feel worthy.  What will I do?  I hear others laughing with each other all around… I can’t physically laugh.  I try to practice faking it so that people don’t think I am a total bitch for not “enjoying the jokes or the conversations”.  It’s almost like I’m too out of breath or too nauseous to laugh…. Or that my brain is just not working anymore… That’s another thing.. Stuttering and word finding.  I catch myself frequently forgetting words or what I was trying to say.  An entire point I am making will dissipate into thin air as I’m attempting to make it.

On top of the physical withdrawals of being off of these drugs, what about the Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome (PAWS).  I’m not ready to feel fully suicidal and like life isn’t worth it randomly over the course of years after quitting the substances.  I have bouts of this regardless of being on or off meds.  like I'm going to through up.  The road ahead is so daunting , I might as well take another dosage to feel better for an hour. 

I read all of your posts and admire you all so much.  I am truly ranting my way through this post today but I needed to get some of this out and into the ethers....

I made a "podcast" that could detail some of my experiences... LOL.  I know no one will listen and that's okay.  I need to listen to my own voice remind me of all the things.... Too much goes on in my mind to retrieve and make sense of much...

anchor.fm/erin-quinn

Love to you all

 

[Just Finished Day 14]

On 1/28/2022 at 2:03 PM, Hopefulily said:

Thank you for posting your story! I have read it and will continue to re-read it as I think this is the way I am going to step down as well.

Same!! I feel the same way.  So inspiring!!

[Extreme fatigue]

Sirod, you are doing okay!!! I know you are feeling so much, gosh it really did come through in your writing and I can imagine that feeling after having quit this shit for such an impressive period of time...Good for you... It's okay to feel this exhausted!! I can't speak on it being 5 months as I have barely gone more than 11 days and recently only singular days.  I have felt this way even taking the medication recently.   So fucking tired and just heavy heavy heavy.   

I know what you mean about wondering how people are going to feel when you are doing worse or having a hard time.  I can't stand the feeling of having to worry about not "showing up" bubbly and happy or energised.  I don't want anyone to feel like I'm not happy to see them, glad to be there, enjoying myself.  Why is this??? Nobody is really thinking these things!!! People love you as you and however you feel and show up on any given day or within any experience.  We contain multitudes and our expression is layered but our own. This is to be something we celebrate in ourselves but also in others... You are wonderful and can feel however you need and still be loved and celebrated.  

Hope that helps? I am needing to hear something so similar myself!! 

[Morning dread and anxiety]

10 hours ago, DelaneyJuliette said:

Ughhhh i am SO anxious for no reason right now (I have anxiety but quitting adderall increases it for awhile) so I often wake up with morning anxiety and a pit of dread in my stomach.  Just sharing bc... sharing makes me feel less alone.

Hey Delaney! Oh my gosh we should exchange numbers or I will just check this every morning. I relate so much.  I feel like I haven’t been able to really get on here because I’ve been taking my medicine.  I wake up crying I have no idea what I’m doing with my life and feel I just want to get ahead before I quit so I can actually have momentum with my career or knowing I can be somewhat confident or something more than crying and tearful constantly.  I am going to come back tonight on my computer and talk with you!!! I am sending love . 

[Blocking Porn Sites]

On 12/25/2021 at 7:31 AM, DelaneyJuliette said:

This!!!   This is why I have to, no matter what, continue to maintain my life adderall free.  (I am on day 5 -- would be day 15 but one night I took one pill bc my withdrawals were so bad I literally couldn't pack my family of 6 up for our trip so I caved.  But proud of myself for gettingright back immediately on track.)  As someone who has struggled with this addiction off and on for almost 20 years, I can say that this quote sums it up for me.  Unfortunately (lol or fortunately, depending on your perspective) "there is no way back from the binging." At one point in time during the 20 years I had 5 years off the stuff (proof that I can live my life just fine without it) but then probably around 8 years ago I convinced myself I could use it responsibly and so I got myself a script again.  And I used it responsibly.  Until I didn't.  And ever since then it has been an ever present war waging in the background of my life.  About 3 years ago I got serious about trying to quit again.  At several points I had up to 6 months (and life wasn't falling apart - it was getting better!) But then... as @SleepyStupid said, all it took was one night or day of "fuck it" for everything to go off course again.  So for those of u who have seen me back on the forums (and for those of u I have just met - @GeorgiaRigby I can't figure out how to tag Hopefulily) what I can say is that even though I am a baby in days right now, I am a wary soldier of this seemingly never ending war, and what I can tell u is that energetically, this time is different and real.  I know I am not out of the woods by a long shot, but I am committed.   I surrender.  I am ready to get back to having 5 years without the stuff where it is just no longer on the menu and my brain is not any longer trying desperately to figure out how to get it back on the menu or find a new restaurant.    Hope that all makes sense.  I seriously love u guys and this forum has quite literally changed my life and continues to do so in so many ways.  I have such deep gratitude for you all. 

Ugh, I have no energy tonight but everything you say is helping me.  I am going to try this.  I am devastated that I got back on this.  I am devastated the decisions I have made for staying on adderall.  I am coming on a little later once I have some energy tonight and I'm cozy in bed.... Thank you for everything!!!!

[Day 3 and advice for major guilt setting in?]

On 12/22/2021 at 12:53 AM, Hopefulily said:

@GeorgiaRigbygo easy on yourself! This is quite the process and it’s hard bc a little slip can ruin the day count. I kind of like how Dax shepherd still allows himself 16 years of sobriety even when he messed it up for a bit. 
To me, you seem like you have a spark inside of you! A beautiful soul from what I can tell! The fact that you shared that inspiring, grounded book but more than that. Your friendliness, vulnerability. You need to allow yourself to be human- we all have days where our brain is mush. You are in the arena as the famous teddy Roosevelt quote says. Cheesy but brene brown quotes it in her book and she’s fantastic in my opinion. Have you looked in to her? That book you posted and the author looks so wonderful! I put that in my cart to look into. Although I have so many quarter read books on my nightstand! Question- have you ever had your thyroid checked? That can lead to the feeling of mush. I dragggged before realizing I had to see my doctor and he said he doubted it was my thyroid but turned out dr Google actually led me in the right direction for once lol. Just a thought! 
take care of yourself and seriously don’t be too hard on yourself. Tomorrow is a new day. It’s a crazy time of year too. This is hard as hell. And a crazy time in the pandemic and now the holidays to be doing it. I’m not giving us excuses. I’m on day 3 and drank wayyy too much coffee today and am dreading tomorrow without my “medication”/speed. I was scrounging around today desperately trying to find some so I would totally have taken it if I had found it. I don’t want to go to rehab and it’s strange bc it’s a prescription but I know i have to do this. I feel very much like a drug seeker and addict though. So I’m right there with us in full fledged honesty. Maybe we could set a goal where like every month we try to have less days than more days and then once we achieve that we keep going down and down and work through it like that? A whole year or I guess a lifetime is daunting! It’s what I want but then my mind starts to play tricks like is it actually more helpful to have to get shit done? Now I’m rambling per usual. 
another quick thought- make a list of your whys and things you love? I have always considered myself adhd/the hyperactive kind and I feel like that kind doesn’t get nervous bc we lack some sort of self realization or something so it’s easy for us to do when we are wired to be oblivious to what others think for the most part. I totally understand that too though. I’m a stay at home mom and not much else. Lousy cook and house cleaner, wish I could muster more energy for my husband but I’m hoping maybe I’m just still languishing as that  we York times article talked about. From the pandemic. 
keep being you- some days are wins and count the wins! Others aren’t so you don’t have to count those right?! For what it’s worth I love reading your posts and chatting with you! 

Your words mean so much to me.  I have been feeling really sad.  I am re reading all of this and want to respond to it once I have a little energy later.  You are simply the best.  Coming Back on here soon... sending love

 

[Day 3 and advice for major guilt setting in?]

5 hours ago, Hopefulily said:

Hi all,

this site is a Godsend. Truly. Thank you to every single person who has posted here. 
Today is only day 3 after a very long weandown and I am struggling big time. I can hardly move and my head feels like it weighs 100 lbs. I am lying here while my daughters nap. I am having trouble moving to take care of my family. Everything adderall helped me do- clean the house, cook dinner, be a vigilant mom. My sister died when I was younger so I thought adderall helped me focus so intensely on my daughters safety to make sure nothing happens to them on my watch so I don’t live with the guilt my mom has to from losing her child. I can’t focus on them for that long without it. That scares me along with feeling like I can’t take care of my family bc of this awful withdrawal.  However, I’m having so much self pity for having a drug issue that I and I alone started. My husband says to not feel bad bc it was originally intended for the right reasons it just got out of control. However so many people are struggling with real things. Im watching YouTube video on a rabbit hole of video watching (something I would never have done on adderall) and the girl in the video is working her butt off to try and overcome having a brain tumor. Within 4 months she has worked so hard she can box again. Im feeling guilty for the feelings of well here I am feeling bad for myself when so many people have so many struggles that they haven’t chosen. Just having a lot of guilt. Any help or advice? I have read old posts and do agree with the sentiments that us adderallics tend to be super hard on ourselves. Any advice or books or articles or old posts would be greatly appreciated <3 my brain is MUSH. It’s embarrassing. 

Oh I feel your pain....I am so sorry about your sister... And you are doing your best and your family must know this.  I know what you mean also about feeling weird about how much others struggle with everyday things not by choice, I even get jealous of just how many people are out doing anything and everything, making videos or writing e-books or starting small companies and I can barely figure anything out whatsoever, even with medication... I feel my brain is total mush right now, too.... And I took my medications today and for no reason and now I feel miserable about myself and my future. I have always loved the Book "Romancing The Ordinary" by Sarah Ban Breathnach.  Gosh I am sorry to be so lame tonight and thoughtless.  I want to feel goofy and thriving someday.  However those two can go together?  xxx

[Day 10. But... something happened and I could use some support.]

On 12/20/2021 at 4:52 PM, Hopefulily said:

Yes - you do!!! Sending you love and support vibes! You can do this! My motto for today has been “embrace the suck.”

That is such an interesting point about the inner child work…a therapist told me that one time. So sorry to hear you are crying but sometimes I think letting it out then makes room for the positive to start coming in. 
I might start regularly watching Yellowstone too! A nice distraction to enjoy! 
 
 

I took my medication today, I'm so bummed.  I have a migraine and I don't feel anything today..  I want to try again tomorrow.  Sending love right back and support vibes!!!!!! 

[Day 10. But... something happened and I could use some support.]

2 hours ago, Hopefulily said:

@DelaneyJulietteCONGRATS on 10 days!!! Very very impressive. And seriously from one mom to another I can’t tell you enough how impressed I am with you and your dedication!! Sometimes as moms we feel like we have the weight on our shoulders. Sometimes I get angry and frustrated with the expectation women and moms are just supposed to be in charge of everything. It’s ridiculous but I have worked with a great therapist reminding me that basically all we can do is our best. She encourages me to ask my husband for help, plain and simple like stated above. If I tell him I am feeling overwhelmed then we can divvy up the massive amounts of chores that are required to keep a household running. My husband and I have been seeing a marriage counselors regularly for 7 years and are just now having some breakthroughs on this. I highly recommend that btw! It’s cheaper than a divorce and has helped us fall back in love with each other over and over again which tbh sometimes shocks me lol. When we assume the positive of each other it helps. I will say for me and my personal experience my adderall mood swings, ups downs and all arounds probably contributed to why we had to do so much counseling. I am now fully realizing that sadly. But sometimes laughing about it helps too. I actually sat down on the couch with my husband last night (I probably haven’t done that in years thanks so my obsession with adderall and “being productive”) and he was watching a show Yellowstone. I started watching it too and in a dinner scene there is a couple. The woman, Beth, is throwing a fit, smoking a cigarette and pouring a drink. I have on and off watched the show and she admits to one point being on adderall so she can drink more and not seem like it. Anyway back to her fit- Beth is emotional and her partner says “why don’t you just ask for what you want?” So she does and then gets it. It makes her happy and her partner gives her a kiss and laughs saying something like “I love you. You make life harder everyday” and they both laugh. This made my husband and me laugh bc I KNOW I do this with my during or post adderall times (which is a lot). So for me I’m realizing that I might have been harder to deal with and would always used to blame my husband. Turns out he just doesn’t read my mind but is happy to help when I ask calmly and then say thank you. It’s a tactic I’m embarrassed to say I had to learn in marriage counseling. But it helps and has improved our relationship! Now with me giving up adderall I’m hoping this will continue. I love reading on here that peoples relationships get better and they laugh and enjoy things with their spouse. I enjoyed it last night on the couch and am excited for all of the fun, silly and laughs to come bc I’m not strung out trying to get everything perfect aka adderall perfect. This is part of my story and I’m not saying it’s yours but I feel like adderall has done more to my relationship and the more I come clean with my husband the closer we have become. I’m honestly amazed at the support he is giving me- letting me sleep in as I come off this drug all of the way finally (on day 2 here after weaning down from 120 or more some days in January). I would have never thought he would be open to that but I opened up to him and he has been doing more than he ever has with cleaning and the kids! Also I have hormone issues too and take synthroid. I’m realizing that affects me more than I realized too- was taking too much of that bc adderall interferes with it and that was causing me hormone rage. I have to go my kids have probably painted all over the walls by now lol and not being on adderall I’ve just been laughing and shrugging it off. Who am I and how am I becoming a laid back mom?!!! Still exhausted though and haven’t even put their shoes on to get in the backyard. Going to try and do that now. Reading this site is amazing but sometimes I put in my earbuds and need to hear the quitting adderall message or see it. These videos are helpful:

 

Oh my goodness, I have been watching Yellowstone, also!! What a great show... I also sort of giggled at the adderall reference. I also relate so much to Beth's crying in the bathroom after seeing her dad and nephew together.. There is so much inner-child work I think our specific group needs to put in.  I feel so afraid and so small sometimes.  I am also amazed at the support my boyfriend has been giving me also.  I was laughing for real (out loud laughs) because I have been hyper fixated on the fact that others around me have these loud, belly laughs about everything and anything and I was even attempting to learn to "fake laugh" just to make sure others around me know that I am enjoying myself.... I couldn't even get fake laughs out on this medication.  I took 11 days off and then for a couple of days went back on and over the weekend and up until today I haven't taken any.  Sometimes I convince myself that things will also be more enjoyable or that I will love life again and feel the magic if I can just take a little bit.... But I even was able to laugh today without taking them and even though I've been by myself all day (my boyfriend and I had covid together and quarantined for 3 weeks) I did alright... Although I cried myself asleep and awake again knowing how much I would miss him being here and the feelings of being alone with all of this terrify me!  Then I remembered to come on here and talk with all of you and get my mind in a place that can feel there is love around me and people that are also experiencing this also.  

[Day 10. But... something happened and I could use some support.]

On 12/19/2021 at 11:26 AM, sirod9 said:

You are doing great! you aren't responsible for how he feels about it, feeling responsible for how everyone feels about everything is what caused me to return to adderall so many times. let it go, if you can. If he wants to discuss, discuss it, but try to be easy on yourself. this addiction is SO HARD. I am nearing month 5, and I'm in a depression. it is easy to think this is how I will always feel, but I know that it will get better, and it is helpful hearing from folks who are on month 1 because it helps me remember that it gets better. little by little. some weeks I feel like I backslide, but things improve. 

Keep up the good work, ask your husband for support. plain and simple. just say, hey, I need some help here. I hope he is strong enough to put his own stuff aside and just help. 

10 Days!!! that is huge! I took this medication for 6 years, often well over 100 miligrams. Sometimes over 200 milligrams. Just trying to be easy on myself. Let's all be easy on ourselves! 

You are right, let's be easy on ourselves!!! We take these little orange pills to be brave or to feel more ready or capable or beautiful- it's us at the end of the day that really makes things happen, not the pill!! Our soul and essence shines through any medicated version of ourselves and we have to always attach ourselves to that soul/spirit and give him/her a hug...

[Day 10. But... something happened and I could use some support.]

On 12/19/2021 at 6:28 AM, DelaneyJuliette said:

Hi there!  I love this group.  Today is day 10.  I am doing this this time, and I know that is just words, but it's different this time.  I just know it in my soul.  I've done all the right planning, it's been years (like 10) of this stupid trying to get off this shit dance and I am seriously done.  I took off work all last week and took care of myself.  I felt horrible.  I spent the time alternating between sobbing and sleeping.  But I am finally starting to feel a little okay.  Here's the issue.  Today I have to pack b/c I'm traveling with my (very hard to get along with) husband and 4 kids) leaving late tonight.  Packing has always been a trigger but I know I can do this.  I have to remember, it's not adderall perfect packed I'm going for, it's "get the fuck in the van and make it to NC" packed I'm going for."  But here's the real issue: 

Last night looking for boggle paper, my husband found my journal that said first line, "day 4 off adderall, Nov 29th" (which isn't even accurate but who cares.)  He's not the snooping type, so he literally didn't read more (i don't get how he does that but he does) but he thought i quit adderall like a year ago. In my week off he asked me like 20 times if I'd gone back on it and this was withdrawal and i lied and lied b/c he is not the kind that would be compassionate about that and in my mental state i just couldn't handle more guilt.  He believed me, and thought it was a hormone thing that was getting fixed, and i felt like i was receiving the kind of support i needed from him (not support at all, just not overt disdain.)  But now, after reading that, naturally, he is angry and hurt and mistrustful and he takes it out on me in very passive aggressive ways.  I am 100% aware that I am COMPLETELY in the wrong here, i am just so raw.  When something like this happens I feel like a small child in trouble.  That is probably one of the most triggering feelings or me.  I just am reaching out for support that I am not alone in this crazy journey.  I can do this and I will do this.  

My mind tells me that its not fair that he is acting like he is, cold, cut off, trying to punish me (with words), not recognizing that i am actually packing all 6 of us ALONE.  (okay victim mode there, sorry.)  But the truth is that it doesn't matter if its fair or not.  The truth is that that is how he reacts to feeling hurt and angry and blindsided and i can't change that.  He can feel how he feels.  He can do what he does.  What i need to remember is that i am strong and his reaction is predictable.  What i need to remember is that i will not let his emotions cause me to do something that will negatively affect my life.  I am just so sad right now.  I hate this.  When i feel like this i just want to make it all better.   I want to get everything back to good.  I want to overcompensate.  But the truth is, that will do nothing.  Nothing will help.  What will help, is me staying sober and going on about my life sober.  And maybe an apology and an amends, but it may be too soon for that.  I am scared the whole trip is ruined.  I am scared all the things I have to talk to him about in the car that I've been making lists of (shit like housework, and orthodontist stuff b/c we literally never have time to talk) will now all be ruined.  But the truth is, who cares.  That shit will work itself out.  I do not need to make everything better b/c i CAN'T.  I don't need to feel like a little kid b/c i'm NOT.  I feel like i've just created a power differential that makes him the "right one" and he is very narcissistic so he will act on that.  But the truth is, so what?  There is literally nothing for me to do, but stay sober and keep going.  I am done sleeping all day now, so I am going to pack (unperfectly) and just be ready to go in the morning.  My "illusion" of the "perfect trip" may be gone but it was just an illusion anyway to make me happy b/c there could never be a perfect trip.  So it is what it is.  I need to accept what is and stay strong in myself.  I can do this.  Thanks guys for listening.  I will stay sober. 

Hi Delaney!  I hope you are being kinder and easier on yourself!! You are just fine, whatever it takes to be in the right place for YOU is alright, you aren't hurting anybody by declaring that your last day was such and such... It really is not important, what's important is that you have been on your healing journey and putting the work in to better yourself and how you feel.  This is hard work and much more than most people, (recovering people or not!) are doing in their day to day... I know that feeling of being a "little kid". and like you're "in trouble", but however you feel is OK!   and I think your husband is going to understand and I hope that he has shifted his perspective on this. That feeling of being raw, I feel that so much in the mornings and going to bed.  The alternating between sobbing and sleeping, yep!!! I wake myself up and fall asleep crying and I just have to remind myself that this is my healing journey!! I  know I'm not all that helpful right now and my brain is having trouble with word finding... I am just so sorry you are going through this time but know that you are loved by your family and others on here!!  We can get through all of it.   

[Tomorrow, 12/10/21 is Day 1]

Also, I don't mean to say that it was no big deal.  I know it's better that I keep this going.  I know that.  xxx

[Tomorrow, 12/10/21 is Day 1]

5 hours ago, DelaneyJuliette said:

Today is day 8 and I have a little energy!  It's the first day I haven't broken down sobbing fopelessly and helplessly for what feels like no good reason.  I feel... like a baby calf starting to get my footing.  That was the WEIRDEST metaphor (or similie?) LoL but it's true.  It's like a small sense of solidness is descending upon me and I can tell I'm going to be okay.  I can also tell I am not out of the woods yet.  If I had the next 3 days to rest and watch movies and take walks that would be wonderful,  but instead I am packing to go visit my parents with my 4 kids so I am trying to go very easy on myself.  But I know I can do this.  I never ever ever ever ever want to feel like that again.

Wowww!! I can feel the hope in your writing!  I caved in yesterday and today. I love that your a mama of 4!!! Go you!!! I was on day 11 I think, but I decided that it would make it worse and harder to just "never" do this or take these again because it would become something that would be much bigger than I want it to?  I'm not sure my logic, but yeah I feel such a strong headache and a sense of weirdness today for sure.  I wish I had so much time to heal and laugh again.  I can't even form sentences.  Sending love and hope you have a great time visiting them and that you go EASY ON YOUR BEAUTIFUL SELF!!