Leila

Thank you for all your replies. I'm Stage 4... although at times it feels like Stage 3 or 5. Is that possible? Even now, I'm trying to rationalize taking Adderall. I'm telling myself if I got better sleep & ate better than that'd solve a lot of my problems. I know that just sounds like the addict talking, but I really feel a million times better on days I get good sleep the night before. So the first day of tapering today went horribly. My husband put out 30mg like I asked. I took it all in the first half of the day. I normally space it out more but I felt out of control without having the bottle in my hands. Then I told him I needed 10mg more because yesterday I had about 42mg and it's not healthy to just do down 10mg a day. He refused. I got mad. Then I got SOOO angry. I hated him having control over it and not giving it to me. I went upstairs and tried to busy myself with cleaning (today is supposed to be our day to clean/set up our new house), but I kept going back to him & asking for more. Finally I said just give it back to me! He still refused and I felt SO angry. I told him he shouldn't be the one in charge cuz it's bad for our relationship. He tried to be patient but I kept pushing and finally he gave up and tossed the bottle at me. On the floor. I felt like a worthless druggie. At first I didn't even take more. Just being in possesion of them made me feel more calm. But then I took 8mg...who does that? I didn't wanna take a half 20, so I took slightly less than a half... Anyway, now he's emotionally drained and I'm so humiliated that he witnessed my addiction first hand. Only a big part of my brain is saying I'm not addicted. I just need to up my dose since I've been on it 8 years. Taking 30mg a day is normal. If my new Psychiatrist upped my dose and I got better sleep and ate better... But I know that is wrong. Because I can't just take a certain amount. It seems cold turkey is the only way to go, but I'm scared of the rebound Anxiety & Depression. Not the part that happens the first month....but the long lasting almost permanent rebound that comes after I've been off it a while. My Dr. said not to stop cold turkey because there's a strong chance of rebound Depression/Anxiety. Does anyone have links to literature on this topic? I'm terrified to go there again.... Last time I stopped cold turkey I felt horrible anxiety BUT I also quit Klonopin and Lexapro at the same time because I left my job. THEN a couple months later I got pregnant and had crippling anxiety/depression/panic attacks... So who can say if the adderall was the main cause of it all, or quitting EVERYTHING plus hormones.... I have to go. I can hear my baby downstairs and my poor husband is exhausted from me. I am so disapointed in myself. I'm so humiliated and confused. I don't know what to do anymore... I made a stupid sign for this week and put it on our mirror. It said 30mg a day and had little inspirational things on it. I took it down now obviously. I'm so pathetic.

Thank you for your reply. I must be really emotional right now cuz it made me tear up. It just feels good to "talk" to someone who knows what it feels like to be addicted to adderall. ...even typing "addicted" makes me uncomfortable but I guess that's what I am. I like your suggestion. I'm going to write out those cards. And maybe make a sign for my bathroom mirror. Thank you. And I'll gladly take a hug. (((((((hugs)))))))))))

I'm glad you like your counselor. I'm seeing a new one this week- I hope she helps me. I'm tapering down for a while. I told my Psychiatrist I need to quit and he's overseeing a decrease of 2.5 mg a week (or 5mg every two weeks). And my husband has my pill bottle and is only going to put out my dose for the day. I'm prescribed 25mgs, but take 30-45mgs a day. So this week is 30mg. If you feel like you're super hungry off addy, I found that Green Smoothies are amazing! Just use 2 bananas, some ice, a few pieces of romaine lettuce & a handful of mint. It's full of vitamins and really fills you up. But I"m trying not to even focus on eating/exercise. Cuz then I get obsessed. I'm just gonna focus on drinking more water, dealing with lower addy, and hopefully getting some naps.

Hey I just wanted to say great job quitting adderall, and I hope the eating disorder stuff is letting up a bit. I had an eating disorder from about age 15-25. I really feel like adderall kinda masks it, because I'm not really hungry so I don't have to think about it. Do you have a counselor or someone to talk to about the eating disorder stuff now that you're off adderall? That might help. I know my eating disorder thoughts are gonna come back once I stop addy. Good luck to you!

**Possible trigger** (I'm on Adderall right now & might be kinda rambling. I'm not sure of the rules, but I hope I'm allowed to post even though I'm "using". If anything, this lame sad post will remind a lot of people why they stopped) Hello everyone, I've been reading the posts here for a while. It's the first place I found where other people were having the same feelings & struggles about quitting adderall. I'm 30 yrs old, I have a toddler & a husband. I was prescribed Adderall at age 22. I went to get a script because I thought it'd help me fight off the temptation to use Coke. It did. I never touched the stuff again, but I traded in one addiction for another. My story is like a lot of yours. At first, things were fine. Then as time went on, I needed more to even feel "okay". When I was younger, I could still function. I still had energy. I looked normal; maybe a little tired every now & then. But now after having a baby (I quit cold turkey a few months before conceiving him & didn't start again till he was 6 months), this drug has really taken a toll on me. I need it just to stay awake. I don't feel much of a high- I'm so sleep deprived & drained it's just a slight boost of nervous energy. I'm prescribed 25mgs but today I took 45mgs. More than normal. I feel SO anxious & scared. My kid & husband are downstairs and I'm hiding in our room. I'm cleaning up but I feel like a horrible mom. They just want me to relax & chill out with them but I feel so panicky cuz the adderall is wearing off. I'm also prescribed Klonopin & take it every night to sleep. I wake up but don't ever feel rested. And I'm on Lexapro. I tried to taper off myself. I tried cold turkey. I've made an appointment with a counselor to get help but I don't know how much experience she has with substance abuse. My Psychiatrist is out of state ( I just moved ), and he said to taper down 5 mg every 2 weeks. I know this will ONLY work if my husband has control of my pills. I want to just stop cold turkey, but whenever I try I get horrible anxiety after a few days. I don't want to do any longterm "damage" but stopping cold turkey since I'm very prone to depression & have been suicidal and self harmed in the past. I know people here seem to think tapering down never works...but I need it to. I'm hoping with my husband, counselor & Psychiatrist backing me up that I will be adderall free in a few months. I look like a meth addict. My skin has aged so much. My pores are huge. My skin is dry, wrinkled and rough. My teeth are yellowed from constantly drinking caffeinated sodas & tea. I get acne spots that never heal. My eating habits are horrible too, and I am so exhausted from adderall highs & restless Klonopin sleep that I suck at working out. When I go out in public I feel like such a leper. I can see it on people's faces when they look at me, especially when they stand close. It's not that they're trying to be mean, but I can tell they are grossed out by how I look. It's SO hard for me to be in public and try to make friends but I force myself because my baby needs to have friends. So far I haven't made any in my new town. My baby pointed at my acne the other day and said "Mama? What?" I just told him it was a boo-boo. Now he'll point at my face and say "Ow! Ow Mama!". It makes me so sad. I just want to be healthy for him, and instead I'm ...this. I'm gonna stop writing because I'm crying now. I hope my husband will help me do this. I tried quitting months ago when I was staying with family before the move, and he was working. I sent him a few articles from here to read. He didn't read them for 5 weeks! Not until he finally understood I was taking more than prescribed. Then he promised to be in charge of my pills until I talked to a counselor about how to quit. Only he forgot the next day. And the day after I left them in my purse. And after that he forgot again. By then I'd lost my nerve and said nevermind. He said I should focus on paying attention to how much I'm taking before we start a taper down plan (I break up my 20mg IR into quarters and take them whenever. Any day I could take 20mg-45mg). I just want to have normal conversations with people, to laugh easier, to not be in my head when my baby wants me to play with him. I want to look like & be a healthy person- not this pockmarked, caffeinated, tweaked out person. I really hope my plan of stopping works. Please don't put me down for choosing to taper down instead of cold turkey. I'm scared I'll hurt myself if I go cold turkey. I really believe it will work if my husband is fully invested, my counselor can help, and my Psychiatrist knows not to give me more. I could use some encouragement if anyone has any to give. Just reading everyone's stories has given me a lot of hope. ~Leila