colourordie

thank you for your words. So far it's been a week. I have been taking half my dose. Today is the last day that I am on 20mg. However, I forgot my pills at home-I slept at my boyfriends house. No pill today. Maybe that will do me good considering for the next week it's going to be only 10 mg. I do feel like crap.... down...and tired, but I know I can do this. It's always the worst for the first 5 hrs after I wake up, after that, it's not as bad. I just want this to be over...... It's haaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrddddddddd

I am 22. I have ADD. I started taking adderall about two years ago. it worked wonders for me in the first five months. I completed all my assignments (and enjoyed them) got into the best shape of my life, and made so much money working overtime. After those initial first five months, my situation started deteriorating. What was motivation turned into lack there of and hyperfocusing (OCD like) on the internet and wasting vast amounts of time. I was so in the 'now'. I became very impulsive and got msyelf $7000 in debt. My clinical depression had also gotten to the worst point it had ever been. I got to the point of lying to my paretns to they'd get off my case about deadlines and what Im doing with school, about my debt. I pretended that i was going to school(which i wasnt because i couldnt afford it).not only that, but since "i'mgoing to college", i have a health plan, so adderall should only cost me about 25 dollars a month. LIE- it costs me 200 without a plan (Canada) All these things made me perpetuate my anxiety, stress and depression. I felt like an irresponsible child. a dependant little twit who coudlnt do anything right. If anything, i feel like aderall had worsened my ADD SO SO SO SO MUCH. I had never been this bad. I can't do anything unless i like it. I get bored at the drop of a dime. I can't even clean my room....its too boring, and there is so much cluttering my mind (anxiety, and pressing tasks...that dont get completed) that i say it has no priority. my parents look at melike what the hell is happening. I didnt realise it was the adderall until my father had pointed it out. He noted that ever since i had been on it, i had regressed. I also have to take it everyday, even on weekends if i want to get anything done...(anything means...not a lot....i literally barely do anything) i work once a week , I 'go to college"...just thinking about this makes me feel like the failure that i let adderall make me. Ritalin was much better...i had motivation on it...and i didnt feel like i needed to take it everday. i litereally feel like adderall is the worst thing that has ever happened to me (or that i let happen to me..or ccontinued to for solong anyway).... i loved it at frst...but now...my life is a disaster. the worst thing is that i cannot tell people about it. i have secrets and lies i have to keep becasue thje axiety stopped me somehow from telling the shemefull truth ("i didnt get around to it...becasue im pretty much an immature child...HI!") (omg...who have i become?) so that i look normal. maybe it works for some people, i dont feel it has any positive effect on me. i take 40 mg a day.... I made a plan today to taper off. I only took 20 mg today, and I plan on only taking that much for the next seven days... I feel ok i guess, but i have a headache. 7 days from now I'm going to tkae 10 mg for seven days....after that, ill take 5mg for seven days. After that, it's donezo. I will not swallow another pill. all together this is a three week plan. I am going to go back on ritalin, as I never felt it was not habit forming. I'm also going to try and get the skills I used to use in managing my ADD, which for the past year and ahalf have pretty much gone out the window...its going to be hard, but this depression caused by adderall (in many many contexts and capacities) is my motivation. I cannot be depressed anymore. Im depressed becasue my life is in havoc....my life is that way becasue of the devistating results i have let adderall have on it. NO MORE! wish me luck! plus, i feel a lot goofier and funnier without it- my bf says im wayyyyyyyyyy funnier and funner off it