Pretender14

Thank you for the encouragement. I believe the countless hours of reading post on this site have helped me to be more self aware of my thoughts. I’ve been thinking a lot today about how I could get my prescription without anyone knowing but I know that’s just a thought from a brain in withdrawl. I’ve been pretty lazy the last few days and slept alot but I anticipated it. Day 4 clean so far, I hope I can make this permanent.

I have been on reading on this site for a few months now and finally decide to create a profile last month. Ive reading so many people telling there stories an it seeming like we were all living the same life I was able to admit to my self that I was an addict and had to quit even though I’ve always new I was in the back of my mind. I am 25 years old and have been using adderall for the past 5 years but didn’t start using it daily until 2020. I’ve been abusing it since 2020 as well. I think I have probably done no telling what kind of damage to my heart as I will sometimes take upwards of 200mg in a day. And almost always exceed 120mg. I am prescribed 30mg IR. I constantly have high blood pressure and there have been days it has gotten so high I worry I will have a heart attack or stroke and am so addicted I will still take more even though I know it’s possible. I recently got engaged in December of 2021 to my high school sweetheart. She is a great and loving person who I have put through hell the last year because I’m addiction becoming worse. She had know clue I was addicted but knew something wasn’t right. I finally admitted to her I was an addict 2 days ago and when I started telling her everything it just all came out. I feel like I have become a different person who I don’t even know I have not had hardly any emotions I feel like in a long time. I am disgusted sometimes when I look at myself in the mirror while in a binge but will still turn around an take more even though I don’t believe I want to. I can’t accomplish any task without adderall and my life revolves around when I will take it and how much at a time for the past 2 years. I usually take my 60 count prescription within 10 days and then have days of doing nothing but hurting an sleeping until I am able to get more from my friends. I honestly don’t know why my fiancé hasn’t left me yet but I’m thankful she hasn’t an will be here while I start this journey of being clean and sober. I am currently 2 days sober. I’m pretty sure my brain is damaged I have trouble with speech a lot an messing up words, I have a permanent shake in my hands, I get mixed up trying to say what I mean sometimes and a list of other things caused by this horrible drug. If it wasn’t for finding this site I do not believe I would have been able to tell her and would have let the lies in my head continue to justify my usage. I also have trouble with memories and things I did while abusing adderall. I’m sorry for the choppy sentences an most likely poor grammar as my brain is not the best right now. I just want to thank everybody on this site for being able to tell your story because it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done to tell someone mine. I showed her this site an she encouraged me to not just read stories anymore but to share mine. I’m excited to get my life back and actually be able to feel real emotions and feelings again. Again thank you all for the support I see you give to everyone on here an outpouring of encouragement, especially from the people who have been quit for years but continue to come in here an help people. You are the real hero’s and I believe if it weren’t for this site I wouldn’t have been able to make the choice to take my life back.