dyingalive

I'm not doing so good my nerves are shot and it's now affecting every aspect of my life, the coma sleeping irritability I want so bad to tell someone the extent of my addiction but cannot. every month for a week I put myself thru hell knowing it's making me a worse person, tonight I had the night off and my kids are at their dad's, and normally I'd rush off to my boyfriend's have a cozy movie night and feel the blessings I have, instead I'm sitting here after getting home at 8am from night shift, I've slept less than three hours, my stomach in knots my head clogged and I've canceled my night because I'm so full of anxiety and lack of sleep. my thoughts are sleep away everything tonight and pick my boys up ready to be a great parent, and never touch those orange fucking pills again. I worked so hard to quit drinking and change my life for this pill to ruin it, please pray for me

As usual I am almost out of 90 pills in 4 days of 20 mg this is by far the worst I've ever but felt I can't collect my thoughts I haven't slept I'm so choking on thick slam my teeth are drying her they were once so beautiful my skin is dried out and my toes are turning a darker color my eyelashes are falling out and I can barely even talk why do I do this to myself It's hard to make eye contact with people cuz I know they would know I sat on the floor today in a psychosis like state not moving because I haven't slept since 2 days ago and I've been working in the hospital as a nurse for the last 4 days this has to go before something bad happens as I'm sitting on the floor not sure what I'm doing completely disassociated I just start to pee myself , I looked down and urine is just leaking because I never put clothes on after getting out of the bath that I laid until it was cold for 2 hours I'm 34 years old I'm pretty I'm smart I know this but I also know something that's going to happen if I don't stop

Tell me not to pick up my prescription tomorrow even though I'm eagerly waiting for it to be refilled

How are my moms out there

Day 1 over, fatigue hasn't reached me yet but the tears have been flooding all day, had stressful news today which didn't help but maybe I'm being tested. I relapsed on this prescription after 10months but have been clean from alcohol almost 3 years and haven't touched opiates in probably 8-9years. This doesn't throw away all of my growth but it does show thst I need to have a stronger foundation. Prayers plz

Day one,

Well I'll be back starting tomorrow made it almost 8 months. It's crazy to me how it fucks with my confidence, self esteem, my everything. I lose all strength and wallow in shame. Ppl don't understand wat it does to some ppl, it rips all my hard work out from under me and crushes my mind with negative thoughts and suspicious feelings, things that aren't me. My eyes dried out, mouth clenched, chest heavy, dint want to eat or drink, socially isolated, obsessing over things thatd usually never bother me. I can do this

Relapsed a week ago, now i remember why i stopped, the lick jaw dry mouth ears full, dried film in back of my throat, inability to socialize and be me who i love. I type type search do do do and yet hav done nothing. In 1 week ive turned my own mind into a mess. Fuk this shyt.. But whst i know is even though im going to feel horrible i know now that i dont like this anymore and ill be ok