[Vent/Need Support - Almost 9 months]

I've been to AA and online NA meetings and my experience (it's all I can speak of) is...

AA was helpful for drinking. But no discussion really allowed pertaining to anything other than alcohol. I thought NA would be better for me, but I haven't found that to happen as of yet. I am still keeping the faith and shall not give up. I even tried an online Meth/Tweakers meeting, but it's just NOT the same. ADDERALL IS ITS OWN ANIMAL! 

Its recovery is like no other. I can totally relate to the problem of finding a therapist or doctor who truly understands. The fact is, like for anything else in life, you cannot fully grasp the severity, the feelings and emotions, the mental struggles, and everything that goes along with them UNLESS you have been through the same process yourself. I get that the steps are the same for the Anonymous groups, but in my attempts to quit Adderall, they didn't help. Giving up drinking, in my experience, was attainable even though at times it required using Antabuse (a drug that makes you quite ill if you drink on it), but at least there is SOMETHING to help get you started with alcohol abstinence. There is nothing like that for Adderall. Quitting alcohol after drinking heavily for years made me feel foggy, anxious, and confused for a while, but eventually (within the first couple of weeks/months) I began to feel more clear-headed and happier. I could function better than before. I cannot say the same about Adderall.

I hate to see others going through this, but it's nice to have people here who can truly understand this devil drug.

[Hating Myself!]

HELP!! I thought I submitted 2 replies so why is this box still here??? 

[Hating Myself!]

18 hours ago, GettingOffOfIt said:

I don't think you will be totally starting over.  Your brain is like a sponge for the Adderall or whatever your prescription is.  It gets very saturated after taking it for a while and slowly dries up over time when you stop.  You should not have the same difficulty as you did 4 months ago.  

I was clean for over a year several years ago.  It was a tough, I had been on it for many years and I quit cold turkey.  When I got back on it I swore I would do so on my own terms.  I tried a half of an old leftover 5mg pill (I never threw them out!) to see how it would affect me and it wasn't bad the first time.  I went a week without and then decided I would go lighter and take it a couple of weeks here and there.  I went on for 4+ months going on the pill for 2 weeks then off for two weeks.  Then I remember I was going 30 days on to 30 days off.  Then of course I was on it everyday, full doses for the last 7 years, and I am now at 7 months clean.  That is the evil of it.  The longer you are off of it, the easier it is to forget what got you in the position in the first place.

The trick is to prepare for the cravings.  Have an out plan.  Tell yourself you will see what you can do without it right now and take it tomorrow if it doesn't work out.  Actually, putting it off an hour or two should do the trick.  Do whatever you have to do to talk yourself into postponing it.  All cravings are the same.  They are 100% mental.  They come and if you resist they leave you pretty fast and you won't want it anymore, then you can move on about your day.  They slow down the longer you are off of it and only come around on special occasions.  They come a lot harder too, but they are just as easy to defeat.

Don't beat yourself up for screwing up.  Use the opportunity to learn from it and move forward.  That's the biggest thing.  MOVE FORWARD.  You said it yourself so it sounds like you know what to do already.  Put one foot in front of the other, focus on one day at a time, and keep a big list of what you are so very thankful for in your life.  Focus on that and your plan to resist cravings when they come.   If you are in a very weak moment, do what you can to put it off until the afternoon, or evening where you will be in a much stronger mental position to resist since the craving will be gone.    

Good luck!

 

Thank you for your encouragement and taking the time to reply. I went to the doctor again today. Please read the reply I sent to @eric where he so kindly responded to me, too. I do not fully comprehend how to work this site. quote, reply, forum, etc. I am still learning and I get easily frustrated with anything technology because it torments me. That's what is taking me so lo9ng to get my website up and running.

Thanks again and CONGRATS on 7 months. That's awesome!

[Hating Myself!]

22 hours ago, eric said:

Hey there, just wanted to reply and let you know that you're not alone with that horrible feeling of knowing you've relapsed and then coming clean on here to the community. I've definitely been there too.  I've been hooked for over 8 years now.... I'm currently Day 19 and the amount of relapses in the past is so frustrating.

I've had a few major relapses where I got past 30 days and ruined it (Longest stretch for me was 90 days clean).  It doesn't seem to get easier but in the end that doesn't matter...the only way is forward so you can't dwell on it. Either way, its gonna be what its gonna be and the best thing to do is just quit now and get the days down. I'm well aware how that's totally easier said than done but its the only course to go.

Hopefully some veteran members will get on here and answer your question better lol. But at the end of the day all you can do is move forward...BEST OF LUCK!!! 

Thank you so much, Eric! I appreciate everything you said and for motivating me. Thanks for taking the time. I wish this site was more active. I am starting my own site and will be asking for ideas and feedback from this wonderful community, Writing has been therapy for me since 1985! I have my life documented in 72 notebooks and want to share in order to help others, introduce others, and always learn from others. We need support groups, so thank you again!

And.... CONGRATULATIONS!!!! 

[Hating Myself!]

Almost 4 months off the devil pill and then I had a conference for work. I took some with me. Didn't overdue it... or did I? I know I am now. Still taking less than prescribed but ALLLLLLLLLLL the bad feelings and everything bad is back. I'm already depressed and it's just going to get worse. Just thought I should confess. Uggghhhh!

Am I totally starting over? I can't fathom the first couple of months again. If you've had a 10-day long relapse, is it just as hard getting back to life again? Any replies are much appreciated.

[One year clean, on the verge of relapse]

@risingpheonix

[One year clean, on the verge of relapse]

You are torturing yourself. I know because I've done the same for so long. Recently I found a few diet pills we got in Mexico. I took one the other day and was all too well reminded of the Adderall feeling. So I only took a half the next day. The next day I hated myself and surrendered with my hands up saying, "God, please take this from me!!!!! I can't get back into this something just as bad!!!" I thought about the cycle of psychosis and trashed the remaining pills TODAY!! I knew it would be a mental war just to keep them around, or I'd be hooked on yet another type of speed. I am finally seeing that I am, indeed, strong, thanks to God. I could've never done that on my own. I couldn't do it with Adderall, so that's when I turned myself in to my doctor saying I may need to be committed if I'm on Adderall one more day. Throw out the devil pills. Save yourself while you still can!!! Come on, you got this, girl!! @risingpheonix

 

[One year clean, on the verge of relapse]

On 7/12/2022 at 4:11 PM, risingpheonix said:

Faith, I'm so glad you made an account! I love reading other people's journeys and I am so glad for other people who share, especially now as the site is not very active. Welcome! 

And yes, this demon pill robs you of personality and turns you into something else. It can have such a powerful grip but it takes something so vital from us. So many people describe themselves as being humorless robots on it. Or recluses with weird obsessions. Bring back flawed, struggling, complex humans who can laugh and be imperfectly perfect!

 

Hey, Phoenix! I changed my screen name from Faith and Hope because my plan all along was this screen name. My Adderall brain is so jacked. And I just see that I began typing this last night, but apparently forgot about it. So stupid, but showing that my brain is healing from this effffed up drug. Depending on what insurance you have- I believe it's most of them- they offer a program called Able To. Call your ins company and ask. I was awarded a therapist and a behavioral coach each once a week, for 8 weeks, at no cost to me. I had to trade in the first therapist, but the replacement is phenom and so is the behavioral coach. Check it out. Definitely worth it.

[This time it's for real.]

THANK YOU for keeping us posted. CONGRATS!!!!! I just joined a few days ago. I'm close to 3 months off the devil pill and this website has saved me. I LOVE writing and this devil stole that, along with everything else ME, during the past few years. I was prescribed this crap for 13 years and took as directed. That makes no difference. It has F'd up my life, my personality, ME!!!

I am interested to know, and planning on sharing my own experience, how and when and WHAT you noticed when it hit you that this pill was not helping, but killing you??? For me, I was fine for the first 10 years or so. Or so I thought. But the noticeable change within myself started about 3 years ago and progressively got worse. Fast. And scary.

Thanks again and I hope to hear more of your journey that led you to quit. You and everyone else who shares is saving me and countless others!

[One year clean, on the verge of relapse]

5 hours ago, risingpheonix said:

I absolutely believe this to be true. I really think that there is a combination of physical adjustment and behavioral/environmental elements that make getting off adderall so hard. So it's not just that your physical body is recovering in isolation; it is interacting with the larger world and receiving messages from the outside and adjusting accordingly. For me, for seven years, my body learned very strongly that pain is alleviated by taking the magical pill. And when I'm in pain, that's all my body wants. It's almost like it doesn't know how to say "she's feeling like shit; time for her to have a good cry and feel better." All my body can do with pain is demand the pill, and that becomes a whole spiral. The body is incredibly adaptive and long term use of a medication that you can take on demand really adapts the body. And while my body was doing okay without the pill when times were okay, once the going got tough I just couldn't cope. Never in my life experienced depression like this. 

But it helps me to believe that pushing through this will make me stronger, and that next time things go south, I'll naturally deal with things better. I'm hoping...

But it helps me to believe that pushing through this will make me stronger, and that next time things go south, I'll naturally deal with things better. I'm hoping...

YES!!!! I LOVE that you not only recognize and feel this way, but that you put it down for the world to see. THIS, my friend, is why I finally created an account today after 2 years of attempting to quit. I'm only at 11 weeks, but that is major major major for me. I never thought I could do it and coming even just this far proves that I am indeed strong and worth the fight. We are getting our authentic selves back. Didn't you miss her??? I sure did.

And through the misery, I keep reminding myself that my poor little authentic self was kidnapped by Adderall. F that! She's coming back better than ever! So proud of you for almost a year. I feel like you got this, friend @risingpheonix!

[One year clean, on the verge of relapse]

17 hours ago, sirod9 said:

I think the puzzling, cooking, and such are wonderful activities when energy is present. I also feel like acceptance and doing absolutely nothing is good when energy is not present. I know i absolutely love a hot bath when I'm feeling overwhelmed, or underwhelmed. I will say this, I noticed that certain times throughout the last year, Post acute withdrawal was triggered by certain situations in which I would typically use lots of adderall in the past. Everything from arguments with my partner, to certain thought patterns, etc. I can see how craving and considering using addreall could trigger a bout of PAWS, because your neural pathways are expecting a hit, but nothing happens. It is proven that these things pass, and our brains and nervous systems need to rewire through these cravings. Which takes time. and that time feels excruciatingly slow when it is happening.  I hope you keep going!

@sirod9 thank you so much for this! Makes total sense!!!!! also for @risingpheonix - I apologize in advance for the crudeness, but.... this shit is a total, ABSOLUTE mind fuck!!! I am only (almost) two and a half months off of the devil pill, so I remember clearly numerous instances of waiting for my Rx to be refilled because I couldn't get out the bed. No energy. No motivation. And even too tired to sleep, if that makes sense. Oh, but MAGICALLY, as soon as I get the notification from the pharmacy that my Rx was ready for pick up, I was ALIVE! Energized! Motivated! Couldn't wait to get out the bed, in the car, to the pharmacy. Just ANTICIPATING consumption of that devil pill got me moving. This is exactly what a mind fuck truly is. It is comments like these you've both shared that help get me through each and every day. 

It is the same for me with alcohol. I could totes be NEEDING a drink. Miserable. Pissy. Annoyed. Hating the world. But AS SOON AS someone mentioned the bar is open, my mood escalated and I was pleasant to be around again. How F'd up is that?!?!?!?! Thanks again to both of you for sharing!

[Grateful New Member]

Hello and thank you to everyone on this site. I have been referencing it for almost 2 years and finally signed up with a profile today. My name is Amy, I think... Take a look at my profile for elaboration . 

Any advice regarding how to fully benefit from this site as well as how and where to help others by sharing my experience with Adderall is much appreciated. This  website has literally saved my life and I owe it to my #adderallcommunity to pay it forward as best I can.

I believe every single shared comment and story helps at least one person. No matter how different we may be, the Adderall experience is one that only those who go through it can FULLY comprehend.

THANK YOU for having me!

(I'm not sure where to most effectively post this, so I apologize for the duplicate(s). Should it be under Status?? Forum?? Topic??)