itsjustm3

I found this site and it saved my sanity. So many long-term relationships and marriages damaged, maybe even ruined. I'm looking at what it may do to my marriage after 27 years. I am grieving the loss of time that this drug has stolen and the loss of my best friend. Like others, we were going to be that old couple spending our retirement and last days together. Now, I'm not sure what the future holds or if I can stay married and waste more time in the hospice of our marriage. I saw the same themes of: started slowly. I thought it was me, I questioned my sanity, and then I started keeping a journal in 2019 after the millionth screaming match and insane behavior (anger, denial, silent treatment, name calling, failed therapy sessions, complete 180 in personality compared to decades of sweetness and love). It is INSIDIOUS because others only see a person working diligently, the overly talkative or enthusiastic person. They don't see the mornings of walking on eggshells, or hear the insults or screaming. They don't deal with lies over and over. They don't deal with the deafening silence or the loneliness. I have started Al-Anon meetings and therapy for myself. I have read the articles and the threads here and found so much comfort in knowing I am not alone. I have felt so desperate and alone that at times it seemed only suicide or divorce were my options. Riding the roller coaster of addiction requires tools and support. Some may decide to stay on the ride or jump off and re-gain time. Currently, I review how addicts manipulate: https://family-intervention.com/blog/surprising-ways-addicts-manipulate-others/ My feelings are now: grief, loneliness, anger and a flattening of the concept of love. Trying to repurpose this feeling to love for myself. Setting boundaries can be difficult with this drug. I've tried having the same conversation so many ways and it always ends with no change. You can't control it, you didn't cause it and you can't cure it! Thank you for this site, thank you to anyone who cares to reply.