Gorilla

Congratulations! Very proud of such an important milestone in your life. Thank you for sharing it.

I am sharing my story in the hopes that it will bring more emotional peace to others that are struggling. In moments of loneliness, this forum helped bring me a much-needed emotional comfort that I am not alone. Michael, thank you for putting this together. You rock. The first time I took Adderall was in March 2020, at the height of the COVID pandemic without available vaccines. My relationship with my previous business partners was already deteriorating, and I was completely alone once shelter in place was established -- while having a much heavier load of work than before. I had anxiety, not ADD. A simple treatment with a high-quality psychiatrist would have resolved my actual problem. Most likely, 0.25 MG of Xanax for a very brief period would have put me in the correct place. I know that since I was prescribed Xanax to deal with PAWS. It does help, although, with the mercy of God, I am taking significantly less than what has been recommended to me so that I don't switch from Amphetamines to Benzos. In today's world, with so much pressure to perform, earn, win and succeed, I was searching for something that could help me win and conquer the professional challenges I was facing at that time, combined with the isolation that COVID brought to our lives. Before taking Adderall, I used to write daily (I still have a newsletter with ~2500 subscribers), execute my daily job, play the guitar, practice yoga, and lift weights. I ran two half-marathons and had a well-rounded group of friends and social activities. I was a member of a great little church, and my life was wonderful. I was getting better every year or so. Adderall felt amazing in the early days. At least it fooled me into thinking that way. In reality, the output results were worse than my mind operating under normal mental faculties. Still, I have only realized that after I got myself clean and started reflecting on my decisions over the past 2.5 years. When you take Adderall, you are the only one that thinks you are Superhuman. The reality is that you are not; you get worse at decision-making and impulse control. I have never tried cocaine, but the ones that told me the effects are similar. During the past 2.5 years, I used it almost daily, with 8-12 small breaks until a craving would step in. Before completely quitting, I threw my prescription in the toilet three times. I slept with over 20 women and had a relationship that almost wrecked my personal life and sucked all the hard-earned money I made during the earlier days of my life. Shortly after we broke up, she was pregnant with another man. I dodged a massive bullet. I take responsibility for allowing the wrong people into my life. The day I met them, I was high on Adderall since I also started using it to go to social events to make them "more productive." I then found myself a new girlfriend. She is a wonderful human. She was extremely supportive of me once I decided to quit Adderall. She doesn't even drink coffee and barely drinks alcohol. I was the one that ended the relationship since it felt that it was too much for me to handle and that I needed time to focus on myself fully as the effects from PAWS were pretty bad, and we were living a lifestyle that I could no longer afford. I am working on rebuilding my life from scratch, and I will succeed. God is on my side. My ego and Adderall almost destroyed everything I had worked so hard for. I am an immigrant that moved to the US without any connections and money; I worked my way into the echelon I live in today. Most people that invested with me will make money, but it destroyed me, and it almost destroyed my life and financial well-being. During days 40-55 of the withdrawal, I came very close to committing suicide. I was clearly showing signs of depression, and my parents recommended I visit a general practitioner. Do not go to a regular doctor for help. See a psychiatrist that will help you get off Adderall. Be explicit about having a plan that will take you off amphetamines. Trust the professional. The issue with the general practitioner I saw is that he prescribed me an SSRI (Sertraline) -- which is similar to Prozac. I have no idea how these drugs were approved in the first place, but SSRIs make you worse before they positively affect you. Since I was in deep PAWSs, this only made everything worse. I recommend you see a quality psychiatrist when you want to clean yourself. If you can't afford one, you should consider Narcotics Annonymous, as they are free. Go to a meeting. Have the courage. Nobody will judge you, and God will be with you. Find a sponsor and dose off until you are completely free. I regret quitting cold turkey. That said, after all my pain, it made me a more humble human. I had to go through that to build myself on the other side. Lastly, please find a way to completely cut ties with whoever was prescribing the pills in the first place. Hopefully, you weren't getting them illegally. Fortunately, I had my parents around me most of the time, and once I shared that with them, we went to see a psychiatrist that helped me when I broke out with a maniac episode. The real issue is that it augments everything in your life. The good and the bad parts of who you are. Sacrifice and effort are the only true ways to go. As we all know, getting a prescription doesn't take much since everyone feels distracted in the age of social media. The test to understand if you have ADD/ADHD is easy to fake. That, combined with services like DoneADHD or Cerebral, literally help you find access to these drugs with a Zoom call and a few clicks. I take full responsibility for my actions as an adult and know that this was self-inflicted. If anyone in your life starts using these drugs, have a real conversation with them. I realized I had a problem when I started taking Adderall to clean my house and to do regular weekend chores such as laundry, groceries, and cleaning. Please pay attention to the habits that form while you are on the drug, as they will be harder once you are not feeling the same high. Once a friend knew I was taking them, he came to my apartment and forced me to flush down all the pills. I did that and, a few days later, got myself another prescription. I never took higher doses than recommended and would renew my prescriptions to stash more of the medication in the case of supply chain shortages, which I believe were coming. The weirdest thing for me was that 3-4 days after not taking them, I would close my eyes and immediately have suicidal thoughts. I did not feel the most recent pain I had with heat and cold waves, stomach nausea, depression, and overall anhedonia. I am writing this post less than a week after suffering a psychotic incident due to severe PAWS. Pardon the lack of clarity and logic in my writing. DO NOT QUIT COLD TURKEY. GET PROFESSIONAL HELP. Today I am getting excellent treatment from a psychiatrist, and there are several medications that one can take in the correct dosages while also leveling off the usage of Adderall. My suffering over the past eight weeks has been the worst—the worst period of my life by a very long shot. I was prescribed Xanax at 0.25mg, but I only take them if I start getting weird itches and hot and cold sweats. Additionally, I am taking an extremely low dosage of Olanzapine (1.25MG). This is a medication for schizophrenia and bipolar type 1, but since it has a dopaminergic action, the doctor tried it to help my treatment. The lowest dosage is (2.5MG), and I have been prescribed 1MG of Rohypnol, which I believe is forbidden by the FDA as it was constantly used by bad actors roofing people over. The good news is that I will never commit suicide. That thought is not even close to my mind at this point. I will return to being a good and productive member of society. Dealing with anhedonia the right way is the real challenge, as I am almost completely removed from any PAWS issues. Tonight I will reduce the Rohypnol by 50% and Olanzapine by ~25%. I monitor my sleep and have more than 3x my REM sleep, which has been truly wonderful. I continue to inform my doctor of all these choices and believe that I will be completely free from prescription drugs in less than 2-3 weeks (maybe sooner). I am back to exercising regularly, meditating, and living life. During this process, I had very little alcohol, as I have never been much of a drinker. Unless I were on Adderall, I would consume a lot of drinks and not realize the liver damage I was causing myself. Inserting Adderall into my life was the worse decision I have ever made. I have already forgiven myself for it, but I regret the first time I took it. Cheers to 75 days without it. God bless you, and if you ever want to get in touch and need help or support, I am here for you. Much love.