Rob

Has there ever been a thread where people post daily? Like "day ___ and today sucks because ______________" or "day ___ and I'm feeling pretty good" etc.? Just kind of a way for everyone to check in and encourage each other, things like that?

Yes, the PDMP. That's what I was thinking of. Didn't know it was state-based & not federal. Ya I doctor-shopped a few years back, and it was a nightmare. Then I got caught. Horrible haha.

Already told 2 of the closest people to me, and they're all for it. My plan for refill day is to have already told my doc not to prescribe me any more. He's hard to get a hold of maybe I should just leave a voicemail stating it. And I've been into meditation for a couple of years now, and now I have a definite purpose so I know what to meditate on. The biggest step was admitting to myself (finally) that Adderall is what's holding me back in life. I've known it for a long time, I've just never looked the fact in the eye before now.

Besides just "cutting off" my doc, is it possible to completely blacklist myself from Adderall in the federal database? I don't trust myself (I'm on day #2).

Hey Jon, You're so right about the awesomeness being a lie. Years ago, I nicknamed Adderall "the complacency drug".... had no idea at the time how right I was. I've been able to be "interested in" or "passionate about" anything, so I've missed out on what I was truly meant for. Still have no idea tbh. Also, it makes things that suck seem like they don't suck.. In other words, not only have I missed out on my true calling, but my problems/inefficiencies/etc. that I should have gotten a handle on years ago (I'm 44!) have crept up and bitten me in the ass. And then some. It really "helped" me ignore the issues in my life that I should have been dealing with, and now here I am. I can't tell you how many hours in the last 10 years I've wasted on meaningless pursuits or "hobbies" rather than what was important. Things that Adderall told me I loved but have no natural, genuine interest in. At this point, I'm not even sure what I DO have natural interest in. Better figure it out quick since I have 2 kids to take care of and bills that are very, very overdue. Really wishing life had a "start over" button right about now.

Thanks Jon. I don't know about a "much better" version of myself, probably the one I remember before adderall (which is why I loved it so much in the first place - I didn't have to be held back by that version. I was finally effective and dynamic etc etc etc or so I thought)...

Ran out of adderall early..... again. This has been the case literally every month for who knows how long (years probably). I'm quite familiar with the "1st week" of withdrawals, since I've gone through it once every 30 days. Why over and over? I don't know. I don't know much right now, all I want to do is sleep. The one thing that's different this time, is I've decided I want nothing more to do with the shit. Whether or not I'll actually follow through remains to be seen. It's weird, I don't like who I am (unmotivated, distant, low-energy, etc.) when I'm not on it, but my life is falling apart because of it. Has my life really come to the point where I have to just settle for the lesser of two evils? So much for becoming the man I've always wanted to be. One thing I'm certain of is that NOT being on adderall has now become the "least-worst" scenario, and now my life has turned into "how can I make it suck the least" instead of "how can I have the life I've always wanted"....