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one-day-at-a-time

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Posts posted by one-day-at-a-time

  1. Around 7 weeks sober, really struggling with self control, is this normal?

    in General Discussion

    Posted

    An update-- today I am at 102 days. It's been a roller coaster. I am losing the weight (currently 24 lbs away from the weight I was when I stopped) and anticipate getting back to my starting weight in two months if things continue to go well. Right now I am looking for simple work and my largest struggles are brain fog (though this is improving), horrible anxiety, insomnia, being highly socially awkward to the point where I mess up a lot in conversation and say things that feel like they don't really fit at times, and low energy/fatigue. At times, I have been getting very frustrated because I want to be doing so much more than is possible right now at this stage of recovery. I want to be out of my parents house, working an adult job with my degree, out meeting people and dating and living a normal life and going out with friends and not living like this. I feel so behind everyone my own age right now and fat and dumb and socially awkward. It sucks but I knew this was coming when I stopped. I know it will be worth it in the end and I don't have another choice if I want to have a real future.

    I really regret having allowed myself to gain so much weight during the first couple months but I am trying to remember I won't be like this for much longer if I keep up my diet and exercise regimen. Cravings are strong but they pass. The weight gain does trigger some cravings especially as I come out of the fog more and more and look down at a totally different body than the one I used to inhabit. 

    I also get really worried and panic at times that I screwed up my life irreparably, especially during the later stages (last two years) of my use where I started to abuse Adderall to get shit done and be up for days at a time (in the last year of my use). A lot of what seemed sane to me on the pill, especially in the later stages, was totally insane and I burned a lot of bridges. These memories of the horror of my life on the pill and the terrible mistakes I made continue to keep me sober.

    Also, I can say with confidence that I would not be sober from this pill today or even alive probably without these forums and I am eternally grateful they exist. No one in my life really understands what I am going through. I would have given up on ever having a life off of this drug if I did not know that my current cognitive deficits and symptoms were a normal part of PAWs and recovery from this drug. 

    My writing skills are still not what they used to be on the Adderall but I hope someone benefits from me sharing my experience. While I am still very early in my recovery, I can say for sure that things are getting better. Slowly, but surely. You get to a point where you feel amazing sometimes and it all feels so worth it and so right. Right now I am not having one of those days/moments but they are powerful enough to keep me going during these dark hours and days.

    I hope this made sense and I am sorry if it did not. I have horrible brain fog writing this but wanted to put it out there. 

    • Like 4

  7. Around 7 weeks sober, really struggling with self control, is this normal?

    in General Discussion

    Posted

    Thanks! Congrats to you as well. Indeed, it is hell right now but I know if I can get through this literally nothing ever could be this bad again for the rest of my life. Sometimes I think of suicide but I am trying to stay strong and just make it through each day. I keep thinking of people who I love, including myself, who I hurt while on this drug and it brings me to tears. This drug should not exist. Not sure why anyone thought it would be a good idea to give to a 13 year old girl (aka me 10 years ago). I mourn the place I could have been right now if it had not been for this drug. Each day is so dark right now. wish me luck 

  9. Around 7 weeks sober, really struggling with self control, is this normal?

    in General Discussion

    Posted

    I was on Adderall 30 mg and or Vyvanse 60mg for 10 years and went off of it after 2 months of tapering on November 27 2023. I'm really struggling with impulse control and wondering if this is normal at 7 weeks and when this will go away? I also have horrible anhedonia right now and generally feel horrible and have no energy. My menstrual cycles have totally stopped since I started tapering, with the exception of a one day period a little over a month ago. I am about to move in with my parents and taking a health leave from graduate school. I am looking for some online support if anyone is able to be here, I feel very alone and to say that each day is a struggle is an understatement. 

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