Well I am a recovering opiate addict and have been clean for 2 years I have abstained from everything mind altering, besides this last 2 months I was offered some addies from a guy at work and ended up taking them. I used to be prescribed them but never really took them.
Now I feel so screwed because I keep saying I'm going to quit tomorrow, which I've been saying everyday for the last month, with my track record and any kind of drugs I knew better I let my myself slip, and now I feel so screwed mentally I dont even like taking the addies but I keep taking them, they make me feel antisocial, like I'm dissociated with myself I stopped working out. I just feel like hell, and have already gone through a very intensive 9 month inpatient program I knew not to touch anything but I did and hear I am, screwed in my head again.
I haven't told anybody, I had to tell someone and I ended up finding this website. The horrible thing is I'm back to my old ways lying to people about doing good staying off everything, and I keep thinking about how I screwed up my recovery over this.
I went through hell and back getting myself, my sanity, my personal belongings in order over drugs. I had lost everything was living on the streets, before I got clean. Before I become an addict I had a job for 7 years at a hospital in medical billing I completed school to become an RN and was on the waiting list to start my clinicals. My company got outsourced we got laid off and I filed bankruptcy at 26, I soon became very depressed and started abusing prescription pain killers and muscle relaxers along with xanax, and around a year later I was into heroin.
I eventually got help after many attempts and relapses and did great for two years. Now I feel like I'm throwing everything away,because these adderall are really screwing up my mental state, I am already up to 120 mg a day either instant or xr, the last 5 days I been down to 40-60mg with one day of none which was yesterday but today I had the wonderful idea I would take some before work this morning, and kicked myself in the ass all day because I'm so pissed at myself.
I just want to stop, flat out and not return to any kind of mind altering substances I was so happy those 2 years, with absolutely nothing now that I took these addies I feel like a mental, emotional head case.
I don't mean to ramble and jump all over but I have been holding this in for two long months which have seemed like an eternity, if I can give anyone advice who is clean or who is trying to get clean. When you get clean whatever you do dont pick up, it is not worth anything. I know relapse happens but if you can give it everything you have to avoid it. I got to complacent with myself. Thanks for all of your time, and I enjoy reading everyone's stories.