sagekat81

I'm not gonna start by how I got started on this evil pill...I think all of us users know when, why and how we got to the breaking point where I am at now... I am doing this alone, single Mom of 3 kids..living with my mother at the moment and she has no idea..no idea why I called off work today because I was vomiting, shaking and sweating in the bathroom all night. But I have to play this "cool" with everyone, pretend I'm so fucking normal...trying to be there for my kids but goddammit im so isolated from them as well. I cannot talk to my children, let alone my mother, my coworkers, my sister, shit even my best friend doesn't know what I am doing. U know what I am doing...I feel more at ease expressing my craziness to a bunch of other adderall/vyvanse/dextro..whatever your drug of choice was... addicts out there. I am a horrible parent. I was prescribed adderall for off label depression. I have been taking pills on and off since I was 10 yrs old for cutting myself at a young age. I liked inflicting pain on myself at the time...guess the doctors thought I was "abnormal" or something!My son had adhd..he started vyvanse. I took one with him that day and I was like "yefuckinghaww" and I never gave him the full amount he was supposed to take because, well, I did. I was eating my sons medication like it was candy or something. It made me great mommy, vyvanse during day, adderall in the evening...short breaks once in a while...to the point where I looked into my green eyes last week and I scared the shit out of myself. Who is that? I stopped taking stims 4 days ago..I cannot stop eating..maybe thats why I was vomiting so much during the night!! I can't stop crying on and off...I can't talk to my kids today. I slept and slept (which was nice cuz sleep hasn't been a priority in a long time to me) I am going back to my doctors tomorrow. She wants me to start wellbutrin?? I am diagonosed with geez..bipolar first, then depression, then adhd with anxiety disorder or something,, and the newest is borderline personality somethin?? I don't really care what my "diagnosis" is no one knows me but me, I just know I need fucking help..it's so hard doing this ALONE and pretending that everything is okay when it's not okay..this is not okay.. help.