bl.honey

Thanks so much for all the responses. I told my Mom yesterday and sent her a link to this website. She was a drug counselor for years, she never counseled anyone for adderall but she wants too help me, which is why I told ger to read on here how to better assist me. I've never had counseling for my eating disorder. I'm a single Mom with no insurance, and there's sadly close to no resources where I live. I know that's going to be one of my biggest struggles, i've never been able to conquer it successfully except while I was pregnant. I just want to be a great Mommy again. I try so hard to sit down with my son, he comes up.and wraps his arms around my legs and says, 'mommy! Play with me!' Or 'mommy! Cuddle with me!' And I want so badly too... But when I do I can't even enjoy it all I think about is those unfinished dishes.. Or those crumbs all over my floor from his lunch.. I drive myself crazy. Also, I think my spending has a lot to do with my obsession with everything. I spend a lot on adderall itself, but I also convince myself I need all kinds of crazy things, organizational things, cleaning products, even clothes 'i have to buy this dress, I know im broke, but this is going to make me look thinner, it's going to boost my modeling career' I know how silly that is even while im thinking it, but I always give in.. I'm tired of being a slave, I want to be in control of my life and decisions, not adderall..

I just found this website today and for the first time since I started taking adderall, felt like I wasn't crazy and completely alone. I just wanted to post and try to get help with ending my hell. I've tried to quit before, but have never been successful, I've known something was wrong, but I didn't know how to stop myself. I took adderall for the first time a little over a year and a half ago. At the time I thought it was the PERFECT time to find it. It was like my angel. I have a 3 1/2 year old son, and before I had him I had a serious eating disorder. I gained a lot of weight from my pregnancy and I just couldn't seem to lose it fast enough. It didn't matter how many people told me I looked 'so much better and healthier', I felt disgusting. I was 137 pounds at 5'9, but I use to be 104 pounds. I know to most people that sounds ridiculous, but it's just how I've always felt. A friend brought me in my bathroom and offered me a line of adderall she said she'd just been prescribed and it was AMAZING, she never wanted to eat and she had loads of energy. I was immediately sold. I took adderall everyday after that. I realized I knew SO many people with prescriptions. How did I never know about this before? I would take about 15mg a day. I started dating a new guy, he was great, I found out he was prescribed adderall as well. He would sell me pills occasionally but not often. About 3 months into our relationship we moved in together, it wasn't planned, just a terrible sequence of events, we both needed a place and we couldn't afford one alone. This was the worst mistake I ever made. This is when I found out, he was prescribed A LOT of adderall, way more than I'd ever seen. His doctor gave him 2 months worth at one time. 60 30mg xr and 60 15mg xr. He didn't like to take them because they made him feel like a zombie. I asked him if he'd sell me 20 of them, he'd never sold me more than 2 or 3 at a time he said no. I begged him, told him i wouldn't have to buy from multiple people, it would be safer, it just made since. He said ok. My son would tell me I was a superhero, and that's exactly how I felt. My house was immaculate, I started making to do lists. People were commenting on my weight loss, even negative comments about my weight loss made me feel great, I knew it was working. I was booking modeling jobs faster than i ever had. Eventually I had a list book with sections, to do list, to buy list, bills & due dates, work schedule, dates and approx. amounts of pay checks. I'd been taking about 45mg a day. He began to try to wean me off when i overdosed at work. it didn't lost long. We broke up, he moved out, and I was right back up, buying from random people again. I'm currently taking 60 or more a day. I take 30mg orally in the morning, go back to bed, wake up when the adderall kicks in, then it's kind of hard to keep track, which is why i've now overdosed twice, i snort about 1/4-1/2 about 2 hours into my day, snort the same about 3 hours later, a little more later...a little more after that.. it really just depends on my day . It's usually about 4 times a day at least that I snort it. I have nightmares about not having adderall when I'm low, I can't think about anything else. I have black outs, i stand up and i feel dizzy and everything just goes black, My heart hurts, I think I'm dying half the time. I have awful, painful sores in my nose, constant nose bleeds, i've been breaking out terribly, i have awful mood swings, i spend a ridiculous amount. I've spent my utility money, my phone bill money..And that's just the beginning... I want to quit so terribly, I don't do things i use to do, I cried for days when I realized there's been days I've been so concentrating on getting something done, i've forgotten to feed my son until he's come to tell me he's hungry. I'm embarrassed and feel like everyone is going to judge me, I'm to terrified to tell anyone how bad it really is. I cried when I found this site.. I guess that's all, any advice would help. I know it's time for me to stop. I'm tired of feeling like a shell of what I use to be.