Pandasparkles

Hey guys, I'm wondering how many people on this forum are familliar with personality typing, namely the Myers--Briggs Type Indicator system and Socionics. I'll include some informative links with overviews of both systems at the end of this post. So, I'm wondering... if anyone knows what I'm talking about... what personality type(s) do you guys think are drawn to and become addicted to adderall? I'm an ENFP or IEE, a type that's notoriously out of tune with future consequences (I can take as much adderall as I want because the future doesn't exist!), as well as deficient in skills for managing all those things adderall makes so easy to get through - daily routines, follow through, planning, etc. So... anyone? Thoughts? What's your type? Resources: http://www.truity.com/view/types http://www.wikisocion.org/en/index.php?title=Wikisocion_home

Cat; Thanks, I found your post really motivating. Do you ever wonder if your boyfriend knew, or knew something was going on, and just kinda had the confidence in you to let you figure it out?

Thanks everyone who dropped in to say hi to me... I really appreciate everyone's stories and advice. Brandy, are you still trying to quit? I was sober for a month not too long ago and the first week was utter brutality. =( It would have been exponentially better I think if I had been able to have zero responsibilities just for that month, but real life came a-knocking like it usually does and I just caved. What did it for you? So... today; haven't quit yet. I took a couple days taking only my prescribed dose (with which my abuse-created tolerance is basically just enough to allow me to be marginally functional) and one day completely sober, which felt like a victory to me. But, the fact that that's a 'victory' to me at this point in my life just makes me feel like complete shit. I know that the only way to REALLY kick it and have a chance of actually sticking with it is to get rid of everything. I'll run out eventually anyway. I just. Can't. Do it. I'm terrified of what will happen... During the days I was on low doses/sober I managed to completely piss off my housemate by skipping all my chores and leaving all my dishes etc all over the house for two days. I know that shouldn't seem like a big deal but in my head that little stuff just spirals into ever bigger catastophe. If I can't keep my housecleaning shit together, I'll annoy my housemate... and eventually she won't want to live with me anymore... so I won't have anywhere to live... then I'll have to deal with uncertain living conditions and try to pass college classes while in withdrawals... and fail out of school... and have to move back home and fail my entire life, etc. It's the scary anxiety pit of doom! You can't see the bottom so you're not quite sure how far you'll fall, and that makes jumping in much, much worse. On the other hand, the boyfriend seemed relatively unphased by my continuous sleeping and, I imagine, the expression of utter abjection and hopelessness I must have been sporting. I don't have to guts to tell him what's going on but I kinda wonder sometimes if he figured it out on his own and is just avoiding transgressing my boundaries and trying to let me sort it out and get around to talking to him when I'm ready. He's rather clever, he tends to notice details, and we're together basically every day so, I don't know... possible. On the plus side; made some damn good waffles while off the addy AND hungover. As silly as it sounds, I didn't think I had it in me. I guess if you just do one thing after the other, no matter how you're feeling or how tedious it seems or how much you only want to go back to bed, and just maintain the sequence until you're done... you win. Those waffles tasted like willpower, and it was delicious. Oh, something else cool. On my sober day I cried in front of my boyfriend. I know that being terrified of emotional vulnerability is probably one of the reasons I got addicted to this shit in the first place, but being openly emotional enough to cry on someone's shoulder felt damn good. I forgot about that. And nothing exploded or became awkward. I hope everyone is having a lovely day.

Thanks Cassie, that's really helpful advice. I'd like to just leave a couple of questions here in case someone has good answers. I'm sorry for rambling so much... I'm just really worked up about this today and spewing emotionally -____- 1) What about managing my ADHD even after withdrawal symptoms stop? I originally sought medication because I was headed off to college after many, many years of being in alternative education programs or out of school altogether, which was a result of behavior problems I had since I was a young child that eventually I guess got unmanageable. My parents gave me the option to medicate when I was ten and I said no, and I sort of feel like I missed a lot of oppurtunities as a result (and my parents had their hands pretty full). What can I use to help myself when this thing that worked well against my more annoying ADHD symptoms has become an object of abuse for me? I feel sort of hopeless about the future if I have to revert to my pre-medicated self. Lots of things about sober me are great but in general, I recall it being a frustrating life. Everything, even things that seem so little and basic, felt like a complete miserable slog all the time except for vegetating or the random, manic inspiration fueled projects that I usually wouldn't finish. My life was just full of all this half finished stuff, and my head was full of ideas that I just tried to ignore after a while because I couldn't depend on myself to follow through with anything, even things I liked doing. I wish I had always just taken my meds as directed and not given in to curiosity, then maybe they would have helped me and I would be fine right now... I mean, don't get me wrong, I want to quit, but... what next? I want to get a master's degree in counseling psychology and practice psychotherapy but honestly, I don't think I can get through upper division college courses sober, let alone graduate level courses. Hell, sober I can't do the dishes without being reminded five times. 2) Tips for managing quitting with my boyfriend? I haven't been seeing him for long but we really click and I kind of feel like this is the real deal, something worth holding on to... I mean I know if he can't deal with this aspect of me, I need to let it go, but... mer! Can I just not tell him? I'd like to be honest with him but I'm terrified of having everything change at the same time (we break up/I quit pills/whatever fallout from both) I honestly have no idea how he'd react if I gave him information about it, or how to broach that topic, or for that matter, how to deal if he's not on board because like one of the articles about relationships on this site said, it's kind of looking like he's one of the only things I'll have in my life in the 'personal happiness/life is worth living' slot for a while without my magic don't-give-a-fuck pills. For the record, he knows I have a prescription, but not how heavily I abuse it. I know if I quit, my reward is getting to be completely honest with him and guilt free, and spending more time on him, too. And I think he will like the sober me, once I get over whatever withdrawals I have.

Yeah, I've tried to quit cold turkey and by titrating off. Cold turkey was problematic because I just couldn't keep up with external expectations of me and I didn't know how to deal with that... I'm a student and I have a hard time in school (and honestly life in general) to begin with. When I went off it it was like everyone was ALWAYS made at me and pressuring to do more, more, more and all I wanted to do was sleep and laugh and eat yummy things and sleep more. I wasn't so much terribly depressed as comfortable and unmotivated, which is not a good way to be as a college student. I failed two classes as a result of being off for a while last semester. I also tried titrating off but that didn't work either because despite not having to really deal with withdrawals, I honestly think the stuff makes me reckless and stupid. Quitting cold turkey it's like... 'oh yeah, that's why I want to quit this!' But titrating off means I'm still on it and I tend to make less careful descisions on it, like... redosing. =\ I just feel so stuck. I wish I could find the willpower to tirate off without failing at it. So I'm not sure what kind of plan to try next.

Okay, recklessly broad generalization there. I apoligize. But that's what it feels like. Everyone here has their own stories, different reasons they started using, different reasons for wanting to quit, etc. But everyone here is here because they're coping with the same struggle I am, the struggle I've been desperately trying to deny for the past year because I feel like if I admit it even just to myself I could lose everything and everyone I care about... I guess in my generally sheltered and naiive mind, that's just kind of the option for people who get addicted to things. That is the archetype 'addict'. Addicts don't get happy endings, they get... more addicted, and then I don't know. Not anything good. Lonliness. Hopelessness. Probably tenfold whatever they were running from in the first place and more. Pop pills, go directly to jail, do not pass go, do not collect 200$. Do not achieve genuine happiness. That's how it works, right? So I haven't talked to anyone about my issue, not even the therapist I was seeing. I've tried quitting on my own maybe three times (under the self-imposed guide of 'oh, I'm just taking a long tolerance break because I'm not REALLY an addict!), which is a bunch of bullshit. Try sleeping sixteen hours a day when your parents have grown acoustemed to you requiring only six hours of sleep and a light meal to handily and cheerfully conquer any list of tasks place before you. Like, when did their daughter get so lazy? And why can't she just snap out of it? If they were on board and helping me things might be easier but out of everyone I know, I'm most terrified of talking about it with my parents, which is saying something. But you guys exist, and some of you are really struggling right now, but you're still trying. You have hope and willpower . Some of you made it and you're doing amazing stuff with your lives. That's awesome. Like... I'm honestly really inspired. I guess I can't really have believed that I was the only one with this problem, but when you're afraid your life is going to shit and you feel like you can't talk to anyone you imagine the worst, until some perspective and objectivity comes along and smacks you upside the head. I thought I was trapped and alone and the situation was impossible but just knowing there are people out there grappling with the addy monster and winning makes me realize that I can do it too, and that I'm not a terrible person or a failure for having to try in the first place. I'm still not sure what my plan for the future is, aside from getting back into therapy. I just know my use pattern right now is unsustainable and probably hurting me in ways I don't even see yet. But this site has awesome resources and a lot of reassurance that quitting, and life after cessation, IS possible, which is more than I had going for me a few hours ago. I'm sorry for ranting. Like I said, I really don't feel like I can talk to anyone in my life... I just wanted to let some things out. If you made it this far, I also wanted to say thank you for reading, and for posting your own thoughts and story, if you have. I'm just a random internet stranger to you but I really needed to see this website today, and it means a lot to me.