[Desperate to get off Addy]

Thank you everyone for responding! 

 

I already started to wean myself off (only took 50 mg yesterday, and 45 my today), & I haven't taken a 5 hr energy drink the last two days.  I felt a tingling sensation in my fingers today. There was a few moments when I felt (this may be a little graphic) like there was blood pouring from my head.  Actually, that's really graphic... sorry. 

 

I stocked up on zinc, omega 3, multi-vitamins, L-tyrosine, and magnesium.

 

Even though I'm just starting, & I don't even really have a specific plan, yet (I'm starting to write up a schedule about how I'm going to move forward), I feel skeptical.   I've had other depressive states in my life.  Some with Adderall, but even some before.  I just don't know if I can handle another one.  And to think, this one might be the worst... ugh.  I think I would rather just become brain dead.  Just being completely honest.

 

I hate this overwhelming feeling of feeling stoned & having terrible short-term memory.  When I was in my early-mid 20's,  smoked a fair share of weed.  I was never a huge stonner.  I probably smoked less than 5 times over the last 5 years; makes sense, b/c I was hooked on Addy & Clonny.  I'm sure most of you (who have smoked weed) would agree, Adderall is ten times stronger and more addictive than weed.

 

I'll just stop typing now, before I start rambling for another 10-20 pages and it's 4 hours later (and it felt like 4 minutes). 

 

Take care, everyone!

[Desperate to get off Addy]

Welcome to the forums. I think many of us can relate to your story. Certified drug dealer is right - I think the first thing you should do is find another doctor and tell them about your addiction to Adderall. Please find a different doctor. You can quit the Adderall cold turkey but you will need help weaning off the benzos. Not sure if it's better to get off the benzo or the Adderall first - I've heard arguments for both sides. Maybe it depends what you hate more, being tired or anxious. The good news is that you can get off this speedball and return to sanity and live a much better life in the future. I can answer some of the questions you posed here:

Thanks for responding, Cassie!  I agree with you, I need a different doctor.  It's funny how Adderall destroys every relationship in your life, except for the one with your certified drug dealer.  Thanks for answering my questions!

[Desperate to get off Addy]

Effexor is evil, evil, evil stuff; I went through hell when my wife was taking it and when she was taken off of it.  Horrible nasty evil poison.

 

Welcome to the forum!  As far as:

 

 

 

#1 - I would say that most of us are guilty of giving control of our tempers, emotions, and souls over to the drug and started acting like evil people.  The good thing is that if we are defined by our actions, then we are in control of the definition of who we are.

 

#2 - nope, short term memory will be crap for a while but long term memory seems to be pretty good.

 

#3 - Unbearable, maybe, but confronting your poor behaviour and those who you injured will build character and make you a better, stronger person.

 

#4 - Your cognitive ability should come back but it will take some time

 

I know it's not answers to all of your questions, just the ones where I felt that I could give you an honest response.

Thanks for responding and your answers!  And yes, I totally agree with Effexor being evil!  I'm sure it's evil enough on its own.  When you mix it with Adderall, the evilness is off the charts!

 

Thanks again!

[Desperate to get off Addy]

Kev,

Your story hits so close to home. I can relate to you on so much of this. First of all, welcome to the forums. And second of all, it makes me so sad that anyone else has to go through this adderall addiction. I've dealt with severe anxiety and depression a lot of my life and found adderall to be the answer....until it turned on me. There are parts of my life people will talk about that I really have no recollection of. I think adderall does this, but I too was using clonazepam to come down. I think this combination of speed and benzos is especially hard on our brains. I still take clonazepam, but I've been off of adderall 17 months. I truly never thought I could quit. Adderall was my best friend, my companion, and my significant other. Nothing else mattered to me in life, and I damaged a lot of relationships in the midst of it. But....

After quitting. Life has become whole again. I've repaired so much of the damage I did in my past. My family and friends have been extremely supportive and have forgiven me for the crazy, selfish, neurotic person I became. I can totally relate to when you say you'll sit there and stare for what seems like a minute, and it's actually an hour. Adderall has a way of making time fly by, and it turns into months, years. I won't sugar coat it. Quitting adderall has been the hardest, most challenging thing I've EVER done in my life but also the most rewarding. Seeing that we ARE able to turn our lives around after what seems like irreparable damage is amazing beyond words. You, my friend, can do this. I had gotten to the point in my life where I thought I couldn't love with or without adderall, but the realization that I was essentially killing myself mentally and physically became very real. Many other people will chime in here, but I wanted you to know that you are not alone. So many of us have felt similar to how you're feeling right now and have quit and have created new, happier lives for ourselves. There is hope, and you've found the right place to discover that. I'm sorry for the circumstances, but I'm so glad you've reached out to us. After reading your story, I wanted to reply immediately. My heart goes out to you. Please stay close to the forums!

Thank you so much for responding, Ashley!  And congratulations on getting off Adderall!  It's great (yet horrible) to talk to with someone who also had benzo's thrown into the mix.  And I also would use Clonazapem, as a coming down, coping method.  There were times when the depression started to kick in after euphoria left or I realized that I really did have to get a few hours of sleep, so I popped some Clonazepam.  Or as I called them, Clonny's.  Yep, my best friend, Addy, & my second best friend, Clonny.

 

There were so many statements you made that I have experienced & know exactly what you mean; Adderall not only turns minutes turning into hours, but also into weeks, months, and years.  The last 4-5 years are so blurry.  There's things that happened years ago that seemed like they may have happened days ago, and things that happened days ago that seemed like they happened years ago.  I feel like I'm in a time warp.

 

I also completely get where you're coming from when you said you couldn't love with or without Adderall.  I guess I feel like Adderall is a part of me.

 

I would definitely like to hear more of your story & how you overcame this.   I guess everyone on this page share one thing in common - Addy.  Then you find someone who you share even more in common with - the Addy-Clonny combo.  

 

Thanks again!

[Desperate to get off Addy]

Thanks for responding, Jon!  I'm very appreciative! 

 

I completely understand what you mean about OCD part.  I've had a lot of obsessive thinking over the last few years.  It was like I felt I had to be obsessed with something.  I would obsess over something for a period, usually not more than a few weeks or few months, or a month or two, then I would jump to a different obsession.  Some of the obsessions were "normal" obsessions that everyone goes through in life, but then some of them her just strange & bizarre.

 

And I am now realizing how badly my short term memory has been damaged.  When I go into a room to do something, I forget what I went in for.

 

Thanks again!  I plan on staying close to the forum.

[Desperate to get off Addy]

Kev, Welcome to the forums. It takes great courage to write our stories and I think you have done an excellent job at writing yours. I believe that all of your questions were experienced by some people on the forum. I think it's best to share our own experiences and you can do the math on the percentages.

 

 

 

Adderall numbed my mind so I didn't have to experience painful emotions. I didn't even realize this was happening until much later on in my addiction. I used daily for 12 years.

 

 

 

I became less sociable on Adderall. I was all wound up in my own little Adderall world. I lost some friends due to not being present for the person I was with. I was acting selfish, but was unaware of it.

 

 

 

I have a history of anxiety and depression. I am not bipolar. I believe that Adderall causes OCD behaviors to have occurred in me where previously I never experienced OCD behaviors.

 

 

 

I would climb the stairs to fetch something and by the time I reached the top of the stairs, I forgot what I was going up there to get. Adderall affected my short term memory. I do not think it has affected my long term memory.

 

 

 

Addderall in the mix with other medication, I believe, complicates the underlying problems. When I came off Adderall, I eventually moved away from sleeping pills and pills I used for relaxing.

 

 

 

I do not believe that damage done is permanent but I do believe that it takes a long time to heal.

 

 

 

Good luck and stay close to the forums. Read everything you can on this site. Knowledge is power. 

 

 

[Desperate to get off Addy]

I am so happy and grateful I found this site.  I’m ready to get off Adderall.  It’s gotten to the point where I don’t think I have much choice anymore.  I’ve taken it for about 4 years straight.  When I say straight, I mean I don't think there has been one day in the past four and a half I haven't been on it.

 

I could write a 200 page book of my 4 years on Adderall, but I’ll try to keep it as brief as possible (I probably won’t because of Adderall).  I could described my experience with Adderall like this:

 

Five or so years ago I went to my psych (certified drug dealer) because I had a little bit of generalized anxiety.  I was prescribed a small dose of a benzodiazepine, Clonazepam.  This was the first time I got a high off of prescription pills.  The dose of Clonazepam started to increase and I was feeling tired during the day.  It caused me to sleep more than usual (about 9 hours a night), and the energy drinks weren’t helping.  I spoke with my doctor about this concern and I was prescribed Adderall.  I wasn’t diagnosed with ADHD, I was just TIRED from increased dosages of Clonazepam.  I didn’t go to the appointment with plans of asking for Adderall, I never even ever heard of it.  Now when I look back on that date, I think of it as the day I was poisoned.

 

(I did have a history of mental illness; I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder at age 23.  I was prescribed Celexa 10 mg, once a day & Lithium 300 mg, once a day.  This was all I took for about seven years, and everything in my life was great.)

 

Back to my Adderall experience.  My Adderall cycle can be summarized by specific periods ranging from six months to a year-plus:

 

Using Adderall, then abusing Adderall, then being completely dependent on Adderall, then being completely addicted to Adderall.

 

When I began Adderall, it was the greatest thing ever; I felt manic/hypomanic, but it was better b/c I controlled the feeling with a pill; I felt euphoria, very confident & everything seemed so easy.  I was great at my job, more social, improved my workouts at the gym, was better at guitar, improved my creative writing, which is my passion, particularly writing screenplays, books, short stories, etc. and I was a more helpful person.

 

I started to become bored with everyday life.  I started to feel invincible, superior to others,  entitled, manipulative, selfish, ect.  Not everyone saw me like this, only some people.   Regardless, I felt I could get away with whatever I wanted to.  I never committed a horrendous crime or anything close to that nature, but this wasn’t me.

 

As I had my doctor increased my dosage, I had my first experience of tolerance start to creep in.  I still felt euphoria for many hours, but then started to deal with the coming down stage, and felt some depression.  The more Adderall I took, the period of time and intensity of euphoria decreased and the length of time and intensity of depression increased.

 

I spent hours researching & obsessing, trying to figure out a way to get the euphoric feeling back, permanently.  I must’ve taken hundreds of notes on what over the counter pills to take, what food to eat and what food to not eat, anything that would help with Adderall.  I don’t know exactly what day, but I remember when my main goal and purpose for life was to be high on Adderall every second of every day for the rest of my life.  That’s when I became a full blown Adderallic.  Adderall was the most important thing in my life.

 

Eventually, the depressive state of coming down off of Adderall completely overtook the euphoria of being on it.  My so called, “doctor,†decided to discontinue my SSRI, Celexa, and prescribe the SSNRI, Effexor.  I now know how horrible of a combination this is.   For a brief period, this helped with my depression, then the depression came back, longer and more intense.  I was taking Effexor XR 225 mg, daily, and Adderall IR 60 mg, daily (20 mg, 3 times a day).  I also started to abuse 5 hour energy drinks (2 a day) & was still taking Clonazepam, but was up to 3-3 ½ mg, daily.

 

My depression was so horrible.  I felt confused, disoriented, couldn’t focus, I isolated myself from everyone, developed terrible social anxiety, felt awkward around others, couldn’t eat (lost about 20-25 pounds), had low self-esteem, couldn’t sleep, when I did sleep it was rarely 4 hours, had graphic & horrifying nightmares, could no longer perform my job, lost interest in everything, and eventually ended up being psychiatrically hospitalized for suicidal ideation.  I’m not positive, but I may have started to develop some schizophrenic tendencies.  I thought there were times I heard a voice or saw someone or something that wasn’t there, but I wasn’t sure.

 

While in the psychiatric unit, I did have my Effexor discontinued and I was put back on Celexa.  This helped, but then I was put on other crap like Risperdal, Ambien, and my Clonazepam was increased.  Oh, and my Adderall dosage stayed the same.  Even after all of this, I was still in love with Adderall and did everything I could to stay on it.

 

When I was discharged from the psych unit, it wasn’t long until I was back at my psych.  I didn’t feel depression, but all the other meds made me confused, dizzy, and light-headed, so they were all discontinued, but of course, not the Adderall.  I was prescribed Adderall XR.  I never used the extended release form before.  Once again, things started to get better.  I didn’t feel depression and felt like I was starting to get things straightened out, briefly.  Then I started to feel very irritable, frustrated, and angry.  That started to fade. 

 

What do I feel like now?  Now I feel numb, I feel stoned.  I stare into space.  When I’m done staring, I think one minute went by, but it was really an hour.  I have difficulty performing simple tasks.  My memory is horrible.  When I go out, sometimes people ask me if I’m ok or ask me if I was drinking or if I feel safe to drive home.   Adderall does nothing for me.  It gives me no euphoria, no focus, yet I can’t stop taking it.  I’m also addicted to the 5 hour energy drinks and Clonazepam to help sleep (maybe 4 hours a night).  I fear I’m at the point of no return.  I fear psychosis isn’t far away if I don’t stop.

 

I still have a job, in a much lower position.  It’s a very simple job, but I still have difficulty.  In a strange way, it’s almost a good feeling to not feel or have very little to no emotions.  But I had a lot of things I wanted to do in this life.  I had a lot of hopes, dreams, goals, etc. Now, I really have nothing.  I got divorced, lost my house, lost the job I loved, lost just about all of my friends, lost the relationship I had with my parents, lost my mind, everyone sees me differently, etc.

 

I feel this site is truly a blessing.  It explains so much.  The 7 personal characteristic traits all define me.  More than anything else, I wanted to freeze time.  I would go to the library and write for hours and hours and think I was writing the greatest story in the world, when in fact, I rambled on and on, and my work was better before Adderall.  I had and still have a major project I’m working on, that I feel is so unique and would help others.  Also, the “Adderall from an outsider’s perspective†is the way a lot of people see me or have seen me.

 

I know a lot of people are going to say I have a horrible doctor, but I know there’s millions of doctor’s like this.  Also, I need support and help; nothing negative or derogatory.  I’ve hated myself and been through so much mental, emotional, and psychological pain.  I want to remain anonymous.  I’ve tried to get help from people in my life, but they aren’t experts and don’t understand.  I’m tired of being a burden to others.  I’ve tried getting off a few times, but to no avail.

 

Here are some questions I have for anyone who has experience.  Even if there’s just one question that you’ve had experience with and could help answer, it would be helpful.

 

-Was anyone a good, moral, and caring person, then Adderall turned you into a selfish, uncaring asshole (or bitch)?

 

-Does anyone else who was or still is addicted to Adderall, have a history of mental illness: depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, OCD, Schizophrenia, etc.?

 

-If you did have a history of mental illness and became addicted to Adderall, and are no longer addicted, was your mental illness still very much present and noticeable after getting off?

 

-Are you more likely to relapse and start taking Adderall again if you have a history of mental illness?

 

-Is there a chance I won’t remember things that have happened over the past four and a half years?

 

-I’m still living in “Adderall world.† I don’t think I fully grasp everything that’s happened over the 4 years I’ve been addicted.  I’m afraid when my mind is straight, I’m going to “really†think back and remember everything that happened; all the actions I’ve done that have hurt so many people: family, friends, relatives, my ex-wife, co-workers, people I've become close with during that time, etc.  I’m afraid once I have the capability to fully comprehend everything that happened, the guilt, shame, and embarrassment will be unbearable.  Did anyone have this experience?

 

-I have delayed reactions to responses, my cognitive ability isn’t what it used to be, and I have more difficulty remembering certain things.  Is this permanent, or will I be able to get these abilities back if I quit?

 

-Did anyone else abuse other prescription medications or energy drinks, like 5 hour energy?  I’m wondering because I don’t know if it would be helpful to get off of this first & if I do, maybe getting off of Adderall won’t be as bad as I think?

 

-What are some specific experiences & difficulties people have with just XR and just IR?  I’ve been on IR for the majority of my Adderall abuse.  Which is more commonly used?  More dangerous?  Harder to get off?

 

If anyone wants to contact me via email, my email address is leke780@yahoo.com

 

I’m hoping this support group will help me change my life back around.  I definitely can’t do this alone.  I feel proud of myself for writing this and posting it on this page.  I would definitely be interested in meeting up with others who have struggles with or are still struggling with Adderall abuse/addiction. 

 

Thank you very much!