Spektor

Thanks for the reply. I've been slowly going through the articles. I'm going to get the vitamins etc and plan accordingly. I felt pretty nauseated all day from taking so much yesterday. I've only taken 40mg Vyvanse today but I'm not feeling 'happy' just Debby's Downer and crying spells. I appreciate the website that has been provided.

I've been taking 20mg Adderall & 40mg Vyvanse for about a year. I've probably taken 160mg Vyvanse and 10mg adderall throughout the day just today. I have no more Adderall left from my prescription. I weigh about 105. (I haven't always taken that high a dose in a day, I find the more depressed I become the more I take.) I think I'm finally ready to stop taking these meds. Often at night I think-I have to stop this it's producing the exact opposite of what I need and want out of my life. I feel regret and remorse for the time I've wasted on it.Then, I wake up in the morning and there's life coming at me full force and I take the pills again. Only recently, within the past week I've noticed depression setting in. I realized that I'm not just taking the pills to knock things off the to do list, but I'm also trying to make myself happy. The catch though, is that of course- they never make me happy. They make me more irritable, anxious and increase the feelings of worthlessness. I have had panic attacks on it. I often have trouble breathing, or catching a deep breath. I want desperately to flush what I have left down the toilet but it's never the 'right' time. I worry that I'll cause even more damage doing it right now because there's so much going on in my life. I'm in the middle of a divorce, I'm raising my son, I run my business, I'm PTA pres. How in the world am I going to continue fulfilling all of these duties while quitting? To get through the shitty marriage and now divorce, I've shouldered myself with a lot so I wouldn't have to be alone with my thoughts. I just know that I feel pathetic now, I'm embarrassed at the reality of who I've become, I feel like a joke. Everyone thinks I'm so emotionally strong because I'm going through a divorce and taking care of everything without drama or chaos. I'm a wreck every night though. I'm so lonely. When I take the pills, I become completely self centered and forget what's important; I forget what life is all about. I spend money recklessly, I drive recklessly, I'm inconsiderate to those I love the most. I never thought I would get addicted to it and I hate that I have. I have always had incredible will power. I've become so emotionally weak now because of these pills. I called my therapist and told her I thought I was getting depressed so I have an appt set for Tuesday so she can evaluate me. Can I please get off the ride?