Roseale

Ashley, I quit on January 1st. So it has been 20 days. It was easier last week than this week and I'm unsure why. My boyfriend is supportive but I haven't told him, and he takes adderall too, so I'm secretly pissed at him for that. We have been dating for almost a year now and I'm not sure if I want to tell him because I'm afraid I'm too week to keep this sobriety up. I'm afraid of disapoining myself especially someone else. I tried to get a hold of my dealer today but for some reason he hasn't called back. I swear there are two people inside me and it is EXAUSTING! Ashley, you are right I need to get help and tomorrow morning I'm going to find out where I can get counseling. I'm not stronger than the addiction and the thoughts are true lies but I can not see it. Until now...that I read your post. Thank you so much. I made it one more day. I have one more question though- Should I tell my boyfriend about my addiction?

Ashley and Zerokewl, Thank you for your resposes, I feel incredibly relived to know that someone else has gone through the same pain. I am back on here today because I'm experiencing severe depression because of uncontrollable cicrcumstances. My boyfriend hasn't called me for days. Whenever this happens I get anxious, depressed and insecure, almost like I have no control over my life. Should I tell him that I need him now more than ever? I wish I could just escape the pain but I can't. I'm so used to avoiding these feelings and for the first time in years the pain feels so raw. Just the thought of getting the pills makes me feel better, but going there is dangerous. Thoughts soon lead to actions. Is there any advise for dealing with my boyfriends ignorance? Thanks.

I just want to get to the point. Here we go. I first started adderall when I was 15. I underestimated its effects and I can't quite remember why my friend had given it to me. I popped a 25mg time released pill at 6PM, not knowing I would be up until the next day. I was a chatterbox and I could not stop organizing my student planner; I was beyond excited to start my sophomore semester. I became inspired, motivated, and life became clear. I began taking this drug until I was 18 on and off, buying it through a friend to get good grades. I also loved taking it at concerts. My best friend and I loved the drug and bonded when we used it. I am connected to it emotionally at the deepest of all levels. The drug feels like my best friend. I stopped taking it when I left for college for 6 months. I was so depressed. I stole the drug from my best friend occasionally because she lived with me. I fought the urge for a while but still I could not manage to quit. I have attempted quitting about 10+ times by now. I have thrown the drugs out my car window and flushed pills down the toilet. I am nearly 23 now and I have habitually taken the drug for years, buying it illegally, taking it the bathroom stalls between classes-etc. I have stolen this drug from many people. It's so hard to talk about because after a while I convince myself that it's all OK and I bury my guilt. Why do I take adderall? I am depressed. I just love getting shit done and being noticed for it. I love love love feeling like I'm accomplishing important things in life. I feel like it helps me "grow." I also like to go to concerts and I get so excited at parties/events, or even when hanging out with friends; when I get feeling this way, I crave the drug. The drug makes me bigger and better. It basically feels like one big orgasm. Why do I want to quit? I am to the point where I can not enjoy watching a movie. I also feel a deep sense of loneliness and I cry a lot. I want to be myself again. Another reason why I want to quit is because I make terrible selfless decisions when I'm on the drug. I decide that it's OK to work every second of my life away for others. I decide that it's OK to date a drug-addict who sleeps on my couch and doesn't pay rent. I have low self-esteem and self-worth. I feel guilty all the time and I feel incredibly lonely. Why am I afraid to quit? I am going for a Master Degree right now and I fear that I will crave the drug when I am depressed and unmotivated. I'm afraid to quit because I have tried so many times and have failed. My best friend takes it; in fact 90% of the people close (including my dad) to me take it at least occasionally, and talk about it like it's no biggie. This depresses me and helps me justify using the drug. I could go on about how much adderall is intertwined with my life and its meaning. For the past 8 years I have been battling with this addiction alone. I don't ever want to take it again. It's just hard to restructure your life because it's hard to remember life before adderall.