OH man, i'm almost embarrassed to be back at this site. I came here when i quit adderall... almost 2 years ago. And it was very easy. I quit with the determination to not gain weight, and lo and behold, i actually lost a TON of weight due to my dedication to exercise. But then the depression kicked in... and my heavy drinking and getting in trouble with the law. so finally, last june i decided to get back on adderall to kick start my life into the right direction i needed. It helped... alot. And i have been looking and feeling better than ever before... and that is my dilemma. I feel cold, numb, and not alive and unable to really care to make genuine relationships with people, because i am so selfish and so focused on myself. Today i took 2 20 mg xr's just to get me through an intensely busy day... but bottom line, the negative effects are starting to catch up with me again. I can't go through life on this up and down spiral of... crashing and sleeping for days to replenish my body, then waking up one day and taking them again and on a strenuous quest to find whatever it is i am trying to find in this life... only to be running in circles. I know it's only hurting me for the long term, but the problem is, i feel like when i stop, i look ugly... and sloppy and not as put together as i am when i am on it. But again, i would hate to go through my life on this constant up and down. not to mention the effects it has on my estrogen levels. I stopped for about a week last month and my breasts hurt SO bad... i knew it was all the estrogen coming through that my body has been blocking. If that makes sense? ANd that is when i realized just HOW bad this is on my body... so my question is... what do you do when, you know something is so bad for you in the long run, but so good for you in the short of it? I am so torn with this battle... idk what to do. I dont even know if this will make sense? But i do know, i would love to have the light in my eyes back.. and be able to live a meaningful life with a love and kids, which i doubt would happen if i continue to take it.. considering i distance myself from EVERYONE while on it. My main problem is, i am depressed. i know that. i am bipolar as well. And for me, the adderall helps me get out of bed... but maybe i need to find something else more suitable for depression? If anyone can relate, i would really appreciate the support... not even a therapist can fully understand this as they surely have never been in my situation.