Marissa

I'm still taking it (and hating every minute of it). I feel completely dependent on it to function in school. I've been on it for about 9 years consistently, taking it as "medication" for adhd, but by the end of high school I started to recognize this "Adderall self", this person that was robotic, anti-social, anxious, and unhappy. I tried to stop taking it in my first year of college and couldn't; I couldn't figure out how to function in school without it, I don't think I wanted to because I just felt so dumb. I equated "being a student" with "being on Adderall", and as I've become more aware of this dependency I've also become more unsure of myself. I'm in my last semester now, can't wait to say goodbye to school and adderall for good. I'm still really nervous though, I don't know what's ahead.

I've thought about the ways Adderall has effected me a lot, and one of the things I keep returning to is my skewed sense of self. I was so young when I started that I often wonder where I would be, or who I would be, had I never started taking it. All I can remember is how much I liked to draw and how that feeling disappeared gradually over time. When I look back on my life I always wonder, was that really me or was that Adderall? I've arrived at a point where a truly don't know what I consider to be my "self". As much as I enjoy the person I am without it, there's still a vague feeling that I've been inexplicably altered, like I'm deficient in some way. Has anyone else felt like this?

My name is Marissa and I'm currently a student in the process of writing my senior thesis. I am focusing on the personal stories of individuals who identify as dependent (or previously dependent) on stimulant medication such as Adderall. I believe these stories have the power to reveal the deeper meanings and implications of being “medicatedâ€, especially when the medication is powerful enough to alter so many aspects of a person's life. The motivation behind this project is the noticeable lack of literature that acknowledges the lived experiences of psycho-stimulant users themselves. I want to hear about your experiences by asking open-ended questions through these forums. I'm looking for participants over the age of 18 that are willing to contribute to my research by responding to the question in this post. Any identifying information you share with me, including your user name, will not be included in my final draft, which I will send to you once completed upon request. To confirm that you consent to participate, please explicitly indicate that you agree to participate in your response by stating “I agree to participate in the research project entitled 'Understanding the Medicated Self'â€. Any information shared without explicit consent will not be used in my research. You are also free to withdraw consent at any time by contacting me through my website account and I will remove any information you have shared from my research. I wish to learn from your experiences because I believe they are significant. I also want to be as open and honest with you as possible. Feel free to ask me questions, or contact me through my website account, which I will update soon with more information about myself and my project. For now, it has my email address. All that said, (sorry for the long post), for those of you interested, what is your story?