killthelights36

I thought almost no one had this breed of addiction besides me, for a long time. I've been free for almost 2 years. When that guy in Virginia Beach died and it was in the news for awhile, I cried. Because even though I never knew him, I felt like I'd lost a relative. I also said, holy crap...there are OTHERS... And now I've found this site while messing around on Google.... I guess I could start off by saying, I'm 23 years old, female, and a recovering adderallic (and a drunk too. I used to drink like a fish on Adderall). I may be young, but I rode this thing to the bottom floor, for sure. I get chills thinking about how it was back then. I used and abused Adderall, Vyvanse, Dexedrine, Benzedrine...god. It was hell. I ODed three times. The last one, I was pronounced DOA after about 15 pills and a crapload of Four Loco. I would sometimes wake up hallucinating, or I'd start tripping from a lack of sleep. I EVEN THOUGHT NICKELBACK SOUNDED PRETTY GOOD!!! (the horror!!!) My first, or maybe second week clean, I remember being so proud of myself for making my bed without Adderall. It was a big deal, because I literally conditioned myself to think I was incapable of anything without it. During the first year, I dumped my sig. other (after coming out of the fog I realized we literally had nothing in common and our relationship was basically a product of being high), had emotions I didn't like, struggled with residual paranoia... IT GOT BETTER. In time, I got a new job, went back to college, got better grades on my own accord than when I was using pills, got a hamster, got my own place...and got to a point where I was capable of laughing when shit was funny and not feeling bad all the time. I feel good, even. It sure beats the suicidal, tweaked out train wreck I was before. All I had to do was ride out the hard times with some help from people who cared about me when I saw myself as I waste of oxygen. I realized no amount of chemicals can get rid of problems in life. And that there was nothing that terrible about me that needed to be medicated 24/7. I write this because if anyone is struggling right now...God, I remember how hard it was. But staying chained to adderall only gets more fucked up with age. Please, find a way to take it out of your life. It's hard at first but if you keep holding on, you'll find out how much better it can be on the other side.