brent1213

Well this is my first post on this amazing site, however I have been reading the stories on here for over a year and a half. I've been wanting adderall out of my life for over a year, and finally I've come to the realization; I am unable to quit on my own. Adderall has been my crutch for over 3 years now, and I've let my abuse of the drug slowly tear apart the seams of my life. I am scared shitless my addiction has come too far, and that overcoming this vortex in my life will cause everything to come crashing down. I have consistently held a script for Adderall IR 15mg, twice a day, for 2+ years now. My addiction began with a friend giving me one of his pills, the first time back in 2o11. I was hooked as soon as I took it, and felt the "on top of the world" feeling. Up until I got my own script for Addy, I was buying it from anyone that would sell to me. It took 6 months to convince my doctor I had adhd, but I eventually got the script for adderall I so desperately THOUGHT I needed. From the very start, my scripts never lasted me more than 2 weeks. I had lost all my hook-ups for buying addy, so inbetween my monthly scripts, my life would fall apart. Despite the terrible withdrawals I experienced, I remained convinced adderall was there only to improve my life. To this day, I'm still in shock over how I've been able to have such a blind eye toward the horrible effects this drug has, not only on my life, but the lives of who I love the most. I still dont understand why I so easily forget the pain this drug causes me, especially every month when I pick up my refill from the doctors office. I remain fooled by the memory of a shortlived euphoria I once felt by this drug. The last 2 years I've juggle relationships toxic to my health, adderall being the biggest one of all. My partner of 2 years met me while I was on adderall, and could recognize the sick toll on my life it has. From the beginning it was made very clear; I had to choose him, or the adderall. I fell in love with him and made it a whole 3 months off adderall, until it became apparent his expectations were based off who I was on adderall, and eventually I succumb to the pressure of my insecurities. I went back on adderall behind his back, & to this day, I have refused to tell him I've been on adderall this whole time. Beyond the unhealthy expectations present in our relationship, we have both become increasingly addicted to painkillers. It was when I had stopped addy' for the short 3 months, we both began taking vicodin and percocet recreationally. It wasnt before long, the pain pills became a necessity to us, especially for myself when the addy' ran dry - the pain pills would ease the pain until my next script was filled. In the beginning, I never took my addy' at the same time as painkillers. Pain pills were never fun for me when I was on an addy' binge. However, the last 3 months I started taking painkillers all the time, even with my adderall. The painkillers make me feel normal, and I've become dependant on them to get me through each day. My adderall scripts have less and less of the high I used to feel, and its obvious I've become tolerant of my dosage. After secretly resuming adderall, I learned not to eat through all my pills in less than a week - Ive had to hide my addiction for so long, that I adapted myself to hide the signs of when I binge on addy. Each new binge results in more disappointment, as the 'high' I'm chasing never feels as strong as the last binge, and my sorrows only worsen. Since adderall came into my life, Ive thrown away everything once important to me; only to chase the "addy-high". I gave up my career, I threw away my opportunity for an education, I ruined my credit to the point of bankruptcy, lost all independence financially, put a huge strain on my father and sister financially and nearly ruined their credit, let go of all friendships important to me, distanced myself from family I love, and worst of all, I've given up on myself. Adderall and addiction have taken over who I am, and erased the memory of who I used to be. I dont know what to do. I can't tell anyone close to me. I can't bring myself to tell my doctor about the abuse of my script. I can't let my life fall apart - the people I love are depending on me to keep going in my job and paying for my debts; if I were to lose my job again, or leave to get rehabilitated, it would ruin my dad and sister financially, or even worse it could make them realize what I've done because of this drug, and nothing would be the same. I need help, every step I take to recover has severe consequences, and it's all too much to try and weigh the options without hurting someone I love. Any advice is welcome. Hopefully some of you can understand what I am talking about. I apologize if any of my story does not make sense; I am currently on a bender, and the anxiety caused by it is driving me crazy. Im scared for my loved ones, I don't know what to do without hurting them.