Tolchock

This is all new to me, posting in a forum, quitting Adderall, taking a stand. I am a forty something professional who has forgotten what it is like to be me. I was diagnosed with ADD (that is my parents came home from the dr. one day with a bottle of ritalin) in Jr. High. I have either had an Rx or have self medicated for the majority of the years since. Five years ago, I thought it would be a good idea to discuss my "ADD" with a doctor...not because I necessarily thought I indeed had ADD, but because I wanted to try adderall and I knew that my history would make it easy to obtain an Rx. I somehow I convinced a part of myself that this was legitimate; after all my Dr. prescribed it to me and my insurance paid for it. I wanted the performance enhancements that I knew adderall could provide. I wanted to advance my career and obtain goals that I felt were a stretch and I thought a bit of pharmaceutical help would provide a catalyst..."I will eventually stop getting the Rx once things are rolling smoothly and I am well on my way to success..." or so I thought. I have attained many of the goals that I thought I needed the help of adderall achieve. But many aspects of my life have suffered as a result. I desperately want to be rid of the "crutch" that adderall has become, but the thought of not having it is terrifying. I have been off for 6 days now and feel horrible. I have to perform at work but even the thought of taking on my required tasks seems herculean. I feel weak, unmotivated, stupid. I have held my prescription over the shredder but have not been able to drop it in. My will power to not fill this is waining and it frightens me. I want off, but feel so trapped.