paige8

I'll try and make my story short and sweet because the point is I just want help, answers, reinforcement, or for someone to tell me I am going to be OK. I started taking adderall when I was 17, I'm now 26. It all started how it has for many of you that I have read; a friend introduced me. It was my fault for asking, "you've lost so much weight how did you do it?" the question that would alter my life forever. She told me she was taking adderall, what she told the doc to get it, and I was popping them in no time thinking it was the best decision I had ever made. I quickly realized it was going to help me loose weight because I was never hungry but then when I saw how else I benefited from it (school, work, EVERYTHING) I was hooked. My dosage got higher and higher along with my tolerance, I was on top of the world. Fast forward years later when I started using my script up in a week and couldn't get anymore for 30 days and I would freak. If I knew I was about to run out, I'd get done what I KNEW had to be done so I could be lazy and worthless while I didn't have it, but I dreaded the day I was going to take my last one before getting it filled again. The days I didn't have it, I'd just lay around thinking of all the things I would be doing if I had it. I managed to graduate college, keep a job, etc. but then things just changed for the worse. I don't remember the exact day adderall started to change me in a negative way, but now it seems like it has been forever. I had to ask my doctor to lower my dosage (which I never thought I would do, didn't want to do) but it's like my body couldn't handle the large amounts like it use to, I use to be able to take 5 30mg time release a day if I wanted and be in a fabulous mood getting things done left and right but then out of nowhere I started to feel really bad when I took it; jittery, nervous, anxious, sweaty, paranoid-- nothing like how it use to make me feel. You'd think these emotions would make you want to stop taking whatever caused them but no, because even though I experienced these negative feelings, I still knew it was keeping me somewhat alert and ready to tackle the day (just not how it use to). Fast forward a couple more years, those feelings never went away but I never quit taking it. I told myself that the only way I would/could ever quit is if I became pregnant- wrong. I'm embarassed and completely ashamed to admit that I did get married, become pregnant, and took it throughout my whole pregnancy. My doctor never knew, nor did my husband, but everytime I had an appt everything was flawless and perfect with my baby so I convinced myself I was doing him no harm, but at the end of the day, when the adderall wore off and I was in bed holding my baby belly I balled my eyes out and prayed to God that my selfishness wasn't hurting him in anyway. Then I would wake up, and do it all over again. My baby boy is a month old and perfectly healthy but in the deep dark spot of my head that adderall controls, I fear something may be wrong down the road, and I will never, EVER forgive myself if that's the case. My story was not so short like I intended but in order for me to get some real advice, help, I felt all the details were necessary. I have no one to talk to. My husband is my best friend, knows I take adderall but I'm forever ashamed for him to know the real problem I deal with. I still take adderall everyday and I'm just a stay at home mom, without it I can't clean, get the laundry done, or keep the house in order. It still makes me feel nervous, paranoid, but I can't stop and don't know why, it makes no sense. I need to know I'm going to be ok without it, I want to be ok without it, I'm so scared it consumes my thoughts every minute of everyday. What am I going to do?